ForevaXena's FanFic . . .

The Need Of A Friend

by WLMcCord (Bill the Semi Bard)

Copyright, 06-27-2001

Xena: Warrior Princess, Gabrielle, Argo and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series Xena: Warrior Princess, together with the names, titles and back story are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.

NOTE: All works remain the © copyright of the original author. These may not be republished without the author's consent.

DISCLAIMER: This story is alt-Xena. I believe Xena and Gabrielle are the sweetest of lovers and have been almost since they met, so I write them that way. If you really hate this idea or are under 18, go find some Gen-Fanfic to read, there are plenty of really good ones out there. The rest of you settle in and (hopefully) enjoy.

SPOILERS: There are many for the Season 1 episode Mortal Beloved, and the Finale of Season 6, A Friend in Need.

AUTHORS NOTE: I had to write this story after I saw A Friend in Need, parts 1 and 2. Like most authors of Xena fan-fic, I love these characters and hurt when they do. Like I was with season 4's Ides of March, I have been so affected by these Final eps that I needed to put my sadness and loss out in writing and get some closure. If you saw the Finale and was affected by it, this story may help you like it did me. I hope so.
Send comments burnt or lightly under-done to: Belobris@aol.com

"I love you, Xena." Gabrielle's voice was a sob. "How am I supposed to go on without you?" She stared into the setting sun without daring to look at the woman she had loved and followed so long.

Xena's voice trembled with emotion. "I'll always be with you, Gabrielle..."

The bard swallowed and tears seeped down her cheeks as she felt her soulmate kiss her hair, and then lay her head against hers. They sat there for long moments just watching the sun sinking below the mountains, and pain was all that either of them felt.

Please don't do this; don't go, the bard thought hopelessly. There's still time. I can still pour your ashes into the pool and bring you back. Please let me save you. Please. But she said nothing, feeling the gathering sob that seemed to fill her whole body. If this was what her lover wanted, she would stand by it to the end, but she hated and loathed the choice the Warrior Princess was making. Forty thousand lost souls for one. One lost and damaged soul, desperate for it's own peace.

And what of my soul, Xena, she thought desolately. What will I do when you're gone? How can I go on … without you? Say something, my love. Please. You always know what to say, what to do. This is the last moment. Say something to me, anything.

She felt Xena's arm around her, and felt the soft trembling in her friend and lover's body, but the warrior said nothing. Gabrielle could hear and feel the tears trickling down her lovers face, and heard her swallow, but the warrior spoke not a word. Then, as the sun dipped below the mountains she heard/felt Xena close her eyes and sigh out one last breath ... and ... leave.

Eyes full of tears, the bard stared into the last of the light for a long moment before turning her head sideways to see where her best friend in the world had been, and where now there was ... nothing. Xena was gone like smoke in the wind.

"Xena..." she whispered. She turned her head away from where her soulmate had been and closed her pain-blinded eyes.

Gabrielle's head went down. Sorrow poured over her and seeped into her cracked soul like hot wax from a spilled candle maker. But there was no heat. No, inside of her chest on either side of her ribcage just below her breasts, she felt the cold of sorrow and loss gathering. Her chin resting on her breast, she stared sightlessly into the gathering darkness of twilight and felt herself float as if she were an unanchored ship. Lifelessly, she clutched the small black urn holding Xena's ashes to her with numb fingers. Tears filled her eyes and she could see nothing but the dull and blurred colors left on the horizon from the sunken sun.

Her thoughts went round and round. Xena, oh, Xena. I love … loved you. I loved you so much that I gave you anything and everything you ever asked or even that you didn't ask. I gave you my love, my compassion, my admiration. I gave you my virginity and my blood innocence. I gave you my life and died with you on the cross. I even ... I even gave you my daughter, by pretending to be her for your bait.

And what did you give me? You gave me the loss of my sweet girlish innocence of life, the loss of the belief that love conquers all and that heroes never die. It was some lousy trade, but that was all right. I accepted it all. Even when you tried to kill me and almost succeeded, I accepted it and moved on. All I ever asked was to be beside you always, to the end of my life following and helping and loving you! And what do you go and do for me?

Suddenly her mind was full of white hot fury and Gabrielle leaped blindly to her feet and screamed, "You go and DIE, damn you! You leave me behind and go and DIE! I want to scream at you and CURSE you and POUND YOU for what you did!" She raised her head to the cold stars and howled her anger. "Damn you, oh, damn YOU! DAMN YOUUUUUUUU!" She screamed so loudly that she felt something pop in her throat as the words echoed and bounced around the barren landscape of Mount Fujusakia. She paid no attention and her next words were a tortured shriek of venom. "I HATE YOU! You said we'd always be together in life and even in death! You lied! I would have died gladly, JOYOUSLY at your side, but you sent me away and I was so stupid again, that I didn't figure out what you were doing until it was too late. You went running after Akemi's lousy ghost and died on purpose when you didn't have to! You might as well have killed yourself just like she did and you expect me to UNDERSTAND and ACCEPT IT, you godsbedamned stuck-up BITCH!!!"

Her breath came in great gasps between each word. "YOU ... LEFT ... MEEEE!"

The echoes screamed back at her, "Bitch, you left me ... left me ... left me..."

She shook her head at the sounds and looked at the black urn that contained all the earthly substance that was left of her friend and lover. "Well, I guess you didn't leave me entirely, after all, did you?" She snarled between clenched teeth, her face white. "I've still got your ASHES, Xena!" Her face contorted as she screamed through raw vocal cords, "But, I don't want your stinking ASHES, I WANT YOU! I LOVED YOU!"

Nearly blind with fury and hurt, Gabrielle raised the urn over her head in both hands, poised to hurl it into the canyon before her. Before she could, her echoed words came bouncing back at her, "Want you ... loved you ... loved you..." The words seemed to buffet her with meaning, and she staggered as if struck and fell to her knees with her head down, wildly sobbing and beating at the ground as she wailed her anguish.

Finally, her anger spent for the moment, her fists scratched and aching, she saw the funeral urn lying nearby where it had rolled when she dropped it. Crawling to it, she pulled it to her and held it in her lap looking at it though scratchy reddened eyes. "Xena, oh, Xena..." she whispered hoarsely. "You knew I could never refuse you anything, so you stopped me from bringing you back and now its too late. You would lay down your life for others, even for me, but you wouldn't let me die with you." She had thought she had no tears left in her, but more flooded boiling hot down her cheeks and she rocked back and forth clutching the funeral urn to her stomach and keening softly.

Her insides churned and she thought she would be sick, but felt too spent to throw up. She lay on her side and curled herself into a ball of pain around the urn as the coolness of night in the mountains began to descend upon her. Her thoughts spun madly. She's gone. She'll never be back. I've lost her forever.

Then, as she lay there, trembling and clutching the urn, she became aware of something. It was a feeling like deja vu; like this had all happened before. This didn't seem right to her somehow, for this had never happened before. Never before had she lost Xena for good. Her dazed mind focused on the feelings and she pulled slightly out of her stupor as she began to worry at the problem like a dog with a bone. Certainly during her relationship with Xena she had felt loss before, but it had never felt so ... familiar ... had it?

She lay on the ground and tried to marshal her thoughts. Why not? Anything would be better than continuing to feel this pain and loss. Dear gods, this is horrible, but it all seems so familiar. When have I had these hideous feelings of loss before? On the cross? In India? When have I felt like this before? Think, 'Brielle, think. You claim to have a well-developed, logical brain. You like puzzles. Work it out. She tried to turn her mind to the task, but suddenly shivered as the cold of the bare stone she was lying on began to penetrate.

She seemed to hear Xena's firm voice in her head. "Get up, Gabrielle. Make a fire. Ya wanna die from exposure on this rock?"

Gabrielle smiled sourly, her thoughts bleak. Ahhh, why bother? Just lie here. If I die I die. Then I'll be with Xena quicker. Yeah, that's the answer. Just go ahead and die. Who'd miss me anyway? I'm just the irritating little blond sidekick. Almost everyone I have ever known and loved is dead. Xena, Cyrene, Ephiny, Argo, mom and dad, Eli, Joxer, Amarice, maybe even Lila by now. She's my younger sister, but she got so old while Xena and I slept in the cave. When I last saw her she was as old as mom had been. Then we traveled to Arabia, the far north, sailed here. It all took years. She could be in the Elysian Fields by now. Poor Lila. Unless her daughter went back to her after Gurkhan, all of our family is gone for her; even me. Oh, Hades, just let it all go. Everybody dies; what's the big deal? If Xena can go and die because she feels sorry for forty-thousand-odd ghost strangers, why can't I just die for me?

Unbidden, the answering thought shone in her mind, clear as day: Because Xena wouldn't like it.

"All right, all right. I'm going." Gabrielle found herself staggering to her feet and moving about in the near darkness, carrying the urn and mechanically gathering loose sticks and pine boughs and putting them together for a campfire. She got one started after several tries with numb fingers and her flint and steel. After coxing the embers into a fire, she went to the fountain-pool and sipped some water, and the icy liquid made her shiver, but seemed to revive a feeling of purpose in her.

Cutting down some soft green pine boughs with her katana, she pulled and piled them near, but not too near the fire, for a nest to burrow into later if she slept. She had no food or other supplies, for they had been on her horse, which now lay dead in the canyon below with an arrow in its neck. "Doesn't matter," she thought. "I'm not hungry anyhow. Just need ... a place to rest ... till morning."

Xena's laugh echoed in her head. "You, the original bottomless pit of Greece, not hungry? Who are you and what have you done with Gabrielle?"

Gabrielle found herself smiling through tear-blurred eyes. "Yeah," she whispered. "Yer right. I AM hungry, but there's nothing to eat right now, so to Tartarus with it." With a sigh, she sat down near the crackling fire and scrubbed her face with her aching hands.

She looked at the small black urn glistening in the firelight and spoke out loud to herself. "This all seems so familiar, like it happened to me before, but how can it be? You've died plenty of times, Xena, a regular plethora of times, but you always came back. This time it isn't like that." Her lip trembled and she clenched her jaw. "This time you aren't coming back. So why does this ... this suffering feel so familiar, dammit?"

The bard pulled at her lip. "The first time I thought you had died for the greater good, I had accepted it. I was sad, but ready to move on. Then you came back and I followed you again. Gods, I was awed and happy; thought you were unstoppable." She ran a hand through her short blond hair. "Then, you brought ME back when I died and was in the Elysian Fields. You yelled at me and pounded on my chest, and it somehow shocked me into coming back. Gods, my chest ached for days after that, worse than my wounds I think, but I worshiped you more than ever. I thought then, that you could do ANYTHING."

"Then when you died in Nicklio's hut after being smashed into that tree, I realized you were mortal after all and I KNEW you were gone for good that time, and Ephiny helped me to go on with my life. I was going to be an Amazon queen and rule the tribe, but again you came back and then I knew then that you could never die, not really, and that we would go on and on."

Gabrielle touched the black urn and stroked its cool side. "Then in India, we learned that we WOULD go on together, not only in this life, but through many lives to come and we would always be together as soulmates. We would always find and help one another, life after life. That sounded wonderful, but kind of unreal, so I didn't think about it much. I knew that in this life, we would always be together until death took us both. You promised it and proved it to me again and again over the years. Even when we were both crucified and died, and you gave up your goodness to free Callisto from Hell, we still came back together. We were frozen in an ice cave for twenty-five years, as good as dead, but there we were afterward again, better than ever. We stood against the gods of Olympus and protected Eve and came out on top. We went against Grendel and Odin and the Valkyries and won, even though you lost your memory and I slept for a year in the ring of fire." The bard sniffled and smiled wanly. "Yeah, Xena. Life and death and love and hate; we've been through the mill all right, but no matter what happened we always came back together, but now it's over..."

Gabrielle stared at the lowering flames of the campfire, and consigned a few more sticks into crackling oblivion. "So what am I missing here, Xena?" Her voice cracked and she coughed a bit, her throat raw from screaming. "You have ALWAYS come back from death till now. So why do I have this feeling of remembrance about this for Zeus' sake? You've never died for good before," her voice broke and she gulped, "...w-without me."

Xena's eyes seemed to stare back at her from the dancing red tendrils of fire and her voice came into the bard's thoughts. "Like it or not, sweetheart, that's what you signed on for with me."

With those words, Gabrielle began to feel memories stir and nibble at the edges of her mind. A very different place, but familiar all the same. Like now, she was alone with her thoughts and they were full of misery and loss. Then, the memories came flooding back and she finally knew why the situation felt familiar. She HAD felt this loss before. "By the gods," she thought with wonder, "I was so young; so young and stupid that first year with you, Xena. I can remember it all now ... damn, it was hot that summer..."

The sand was hot. The lake was cool. The air was warm. The mountains on the other side of the lake were blue in the distance and the sky was perfectly clear. Tiny insects crawled on the sand, and dragonflies swooped over the water surface like silver winged needles through the humid lakeside air. Gabrielle's blue trimmed orange top and skirt clung to her like a second skin the heat, but she ignored it just like she ignored all the beauty and life going on around her. She felt as if her heart was breaking and inside her mind only blackness dwelt. Her thoughts spun madly and bludgeoned her with their message. She's gone. She'll never be back. I've lost her forever.

"Oh, Xena, Xena..." Gabrielle whispered numbly as the tears flooded down her cheeks. "You said you loved me. But you went to him."

Somewhere inside of her, bright rational thoughts tried to beat their way to the surface. Xena loves YOU, you little fool. She didn't go to him for love, but out of her sense of loyalty and duty and what's right, to save thousands of good souls. She went for all the reasons you love and admire her, and she'll come back to you once this is over.

Over the rational thoughts however, one word seemed to crash down and cover the bright thoughts with gloom. And the one word was ... Marcus. Marcus! MARCUS!!!

Through her tears the bard looked unseeing into the vault of blue overhead and cursed. "Damn you, Marcus. Why didn't you stay DEAD, you lousy ghost!? Why did you have to come back and to tempt her into danger? Into death itself! Into Tartarus, for Zeus' sake!"

Gabrielle closed her eyes and covered her face with her hands as a final nasty little thought came gibbering along after the rest. "To tempt her ... away from ME..."

Now Xena was gone into the lake with no bottom and Gabrielle sat there waiting for her return, but the redheaded bard didn't think Xena was going to return this time. "You blew it, you stupid little girl! You had your chance to talk her out of it and you BLEW IT! Not only last night, but this morning as well. Some wonderful bard you are." Miserably she thought back to the night before at their camp in the woods.

The campfire crackled merrily, insects chirped in the underbrush and overhead through the trees the moon was full. Somewhere nearby, Argo was peacefully cropping grass. In the camp however, there was no peace. Gabrielle sat on her knees in front of Xena and there was a tension between them that seemed to hang in the air.

The small redhead was almost begging. "Xena, please. You can't do this..."

The warrior didn't look at her, but calmly went on about removing the metal pieces from her leathers, stripping them down to just the tough brown undergarment.

Gabrielle put a hand on the warrior's arm. "Xena. PLEASE!" Her voice was a sob. "We need to talk about this!" The warrior looked at the small hand on her arm, then sighed and raised her blue eyes to the tear-filled green ones.

"All right, Gabrielle. What do you have to say?"

The petite woman blurted, "What do I have to SAY? Dammit, what CAN I say but how crazy this idea is!!" Xena regarded her silently and the bard dug the heels of her hands into her eyes, clearing them of tears, and took a ragged breath to calm herself. The small woman reached forward to touch the warrior's raven hair, and spoke. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "Let me try this again."

Xena smiled slightly and nodded. "That's my girl," she said tenderly. "Now tell me."

Gabrielle took Xena's large calloused hand and held it to her heart. The warrior felt the softness of the bard's skin and the warmth emanating from the small woman, and swallowed.

"Let's take this from the top," Gabrielle's words were calm and soft. "You saw a ghost..."

"I saw Marcus."

The bard nodded. "All right, you saw Marcus; a dead man from your past, a ghost. He wants you to come to Tartarus to save the innocent people of the Elysian Fields because something has gone wrong and the damned are free and running things."

"Yes."

"He tells you to come to this big lake and jump in and swim to the bottom. The lake is rumored to be bottomless, by the way." Gabrielle shook her head in disbelief. "In this way, Marcus says, you can reach Tartarus. Am I right so far?"

"Uh, huh." Xena looked at her. "So what's to talk about?" She said deadpan.

Gabrielle stared at her partner for a moment, then grinned in spite of herself, and rolled her eyes. "'What's to talk about?' the woman says. Holy Zeus. What ISN'T there to talk about?"

"Well?" Xena raised an eyebrow.

The bard sighed and her face was glum again. She began ticking off points on her fingers. "All right, here's for starters … IF you get there, how are you going to get back? Provided you find him, how are just you and Marcus going to take on ALL of the evil in Tartarus if Hades himself, a god, can't do it? You can't fight all of the damned, there are too many, just with the guys you've sent there since I met you! Another thought, you are mortal, you can get killed; Marcus can't!"

She stopped for breath; the warrior said nothing, just regarded her, waiting.

"There's one more thing, Xena..." Gabrielle's voice was low. "Some say the dead are lonely and are jealous of the living..." the bard swallowed and lowered her eyes. "H-How much can you ... trust Marcus? M-Maybe he wants ... company."

After a moment, the Warrior Princess nodded. "There is that, I suppose ... and with anyone else I might worry about it," she hesitated, then went on firmly, "but not with Marcus. He wouldn't do that to me."

"All right," the bard chewed her lip. "Forget that part, if you trust him, you trust him. But if you get k-killed taking on all of the evil dead of Tartarus, what about all the good you won't be around to do here for the living who need you? Those p-people are already d-dead!" Her voice broke at the end.

Xena spoke, and her voice was strained. "Gabrielle, I've done so much evil in my life up to now. If there is any chance at all to do good for anyone, living OR dead, I HAVE to take it. I HAVE to atone. Don't you see that?" She looked deeply into the bard's eyes. "I loved Marcus once. He was before you and I became lovers, but I did love him ... a-and it was my fault he died the way he did..."

The bard's cheeks were wet. "Sweetheart, Marcus wasn't your fault..."

"Yes, he was," Xena's voice trembled with anger. "I was too slow to stop Mezentius from firing that arrow into him at the last. I should have ... COULD have cut him down with my chakram before he even loosed, but I was so happy that Marcus was going to do the right thing that I was preoccupied, and it ... I ... got him killed." The warrior swallowed and her voice was soft. "Gabrielle, I OWE this to him ... and to so many others."

"Oh, Xena, you know that even Marcus himself wouldn't say that!" The bard cried passionately. "He made his sacrifice gladly and it saved the princess and prevented the bloody war that Mezentius had planned!"

Xena's face was expressionless. "Yes, but even if I didn't owe him... I owe it to all the other innocent ones in Tartarus who need my help as well."

Gabrielle shook her head numbly, knowing she'd lost. "I need you..." she whispered, hopelessly playing her last card.

The Warrior Princess looked down and her voice was choked. "I need you too ... but this isn't about what you or I need, or rather it is..." Her head came up and she spoke with conviction. "I need to do whatever I can to make amends for so much of my life before this..."

Gabrielle stared at her, tears running unnoticed down her cheeks. "Even if it kills you..."

The warrior's face hardened. "Even if it does, because if I don't do whatever I can to atone all the time, EVERY TIME, I couldn't live with myself." She looked bleakly at the bard. "And in that case, I might as well be dead."

"Xena..." the petite redhead's voice was shrill. "You COULDN'T have been that evil! NO ONE could have!"

"Gabrielle," Xena's voice was toneless. "I hope you never, EVER, find out some of the things I have done, but if you ever do, you'll understand why I must do this. This and every other thing I can ever do as long as I live and even beyond death itself."

Speechless, the bard stared at her friend with her mouth hanging open.

Xena attempted a smile. "Better close that, honey, remember that bats like big, dark caves."

The bard didn't smile and the warrior went on flatly, "In any case, my life doesn't matter any more than a pile of horse-apples, if my dying can accomplish one more good thing, or save someone in trouble..."

Tears running down her cheeks, Gabrielle whimpered, "But Xena, I love you. How am I supposed to go through life this way?"

The warrior looked grim. "Like it or not sweetheart, that's what you signed on for with me."

The bard covered her face with her hands and her shoulders shook as she sobbed silently. Xena crawled over and put her arms around the bard, who buried her face in the larger woman's shoulder and continued to cry. The raven-haired woman said nothing, but held her and stared glumly into the campfire. Finally the petite woman's sobs quieted, and she wiped her eyes and blew her nose, then looked at her soulmate once more with something resembling calm. The warrior spoke in a gentle voice. "You okay?"

"N-No," the red haired woman said with a quaver. "But I know yer g-gonna do this, so I-I'm gonna be as s-supportive as I know how." And, she thought grimly, you think you've won, but I'll try again tomorrow to talk you outta this.

"Thank you, my dear one," Xena kissed her lover gently during which Gabrielle closed her eyes. Finally the warrior broke the kiss. "We'd better try to get some sleep ... it's liable to be a long day tomorrow."

"W-Would you just hold me?" Gabrielle choked, her eyes glistening. "When I sleep that way, I feel completely safe and loved in your arms."

The Warrior Princess smiled as she pulled the bard down to lie beside her. "Of course, my love. Just know this. I will do my very best to come back to you in one piece. Always. But if my death is what's required to complete my mission..."

The bard silenced her by placing a finger on her lover's lips. "Then you will accept it ... and I will do my level best to accept it as well. Anything I must go through is worth the time with you, Xena, even if it's only one more minute."

A tear slid down Xena's cheek. "Always know that I love you, Gabrielle, now and forever."

The bard laid her head on the muscled shoulder with her arm around her lover's trim waist. "And I will always love you, Xena, to my very last breath." She kissed the hollow of her warrior's neck and hugged her tightly. "Good night."

"Good night, sweetheart," whispered the warrior as she settled in for sleep.

"I love you, Xena..." Gabrielle muttered in her sleep.

There was a scream like a lost soul overhead, and the bard awoke stiffly in a bent-over sitting position. Peering upward into a vault of azure blue, she saw an eagle soaring above her. As she watched, it gave vent to a cry once more and dived off into the canyon in search of breakfast. Her hands were clenched tightly around something round and cold and black in her lap. It was Xena's funeral urn. The campfire was dead, and the first rays of feeble sun were coming over the mountains behind her, stretching fingers of blue shadow on the ground. The bard flexed her hands and shook them to relieve the cramps. Attempting to rise, she nearly fell over as she found that her behind and legs were asleep from sitting on the hard rock all night. Placing the urn gently on the ground, she groaned as she massaged her legs, trying with little success to get the numbness out of them.

Gabrielle finally settled for some leg stretches and pushups on the ground that brought out the pins and needles as the blood got flowing to her skin surfaces once again. Gods, she thought, I must be getting old. I never felt like this in the old days. Old days? When were those? Four years ago? Five? She grimaced. Thirty years ago if you added in the twenty-five year sleep in the ice cave, but who's counting. I had a rough day yesterday, dammit. Leave me alone.

Gabrielle stumbled over to the spirit pool, and sipped some of the cold water. It didn't quite quiet the rumbling in her empty belly, but it helped a little. Washing her face helped a bit too. In fact … she stripped off her clothing and took a quick spritz bath using the icy water from the pool. When she went shivering to dress, she looked ruefully at the burned ruins of her clothing. Where Yudoshi's fireball had struck her in the back, they were practically in rags. Finally by wrapping some of them around her breasts and tying the pieces behind her back, she made a makeshift halter. Good enough until I get back to where I left my other outfit, she thought. The rags of cloth wound around her breasts reminded her unpleasantly of what she had worn to her crucifixion so many years ago, and she grimaced with distaste. However, she was finally ready to go and took one last look around this spot where she had lately felt so much pain and lost so much that was dear to her.

She was carrying the urn with Xena's ashes in one hand, and the chakram in the other. She gazed at the horizon where the sun had set on the last day she had seen her friend. "Xena," she whispered. "It's a beautiful spot and I'll always remember it as the last place you and I were ever together."

A sudden thought struck her and she stopped dead. "Damn ... was ... am I jealous of Akemi like I was jealous of Marcus because he knew her first? Now, after all these years of KNOWING that Xena loved me?" She shook her head sadly. "Oh, gods, I guess I still have a lot to learn." She sat down the urn and chakram, and straightened up.

Clapping her hands three times in the way Xena had told her that Akemi had attracted the attention of her grandfather's spirit, Gabrielle lowered her head and spoke softly to the air. "Akemi! I'm sorry for my angry and foolish thoughts of you, and I apologize. I know you loved Xena even as I did, and I hope you are at peace." She looked up into the endless sky and a tear ran down her cheek. "Without the charm of the sacred dragon you etched upon my back, I would be dead now and I thank you. I will wear this tattoo until the day I die, and always honor you for it. If the dead can hear our thoughts, I pray you hear mine and forgive me, old friend of my oldest friend." She lowered her head.

After a few moments, she raised her face again and looked around. Now the spirit well with the ornate lock standing in the open position where Yudoshi had left it caught her eye and she frowned. That water should always be free for all to drink, she thought, not locked away. She looked down at the chakram and urn, then smiled. She grasped the weapon and suddenly hurled it at the mountainside. The shining disk of metal left her hand with a singing sound and went ricocheting from surface to surface and finally struck the lock on the spirit well, smashing and ruining it for good. She deftly caught the spinning disk as it returned, and looked at it for a moment with awe before hanging it on her belt hook. The fact she could successfully use it still came as a surprise.

Now a new thought struck her, and clapping her hands three times again, the bard spoke again to the air and there was a touch of pride in her voice. "Xena, my bold, sweet, love! I owe you so much. Thanks to you I can ride, use a sword, do flips without breaking an ankle, use the pinch, and now even use the chakram without maiming myself. You've taught me all of your many skills, including your loyalty, your duty and your dedication. But one of your finest gifts was to teach me to listen and really to hear the world as you did." She closed her eyes and felt the world come in around her as she heard the water tinkling in the spirit pool, the scurry of a small creature nearby, the whoosh of air through the feathers of an eagle's wing, the sound of a pinecone hitting a soft patch of ground. She heard it all, and knew each sound for what it was. She opened her green eyes and they shone with tenderness.

"You taught me how to follow my heart, and do what's right to help people, no matter the pain or cost to me, because if a person doesn't do that, then they might as well have never lived." She swallowed and tears filled her eyes. "But most of all, you gave me your love ... and taught me how to return it and I thank you, oh, I thank you."

Now the tears were running down her face, but Gabrielle ignored them. "It's been a long time coming, but I am at last become a warrior for good, just like you. Just like I wanted at the beginning back on that first day I ever saw you in Poteidaia." Her face became stern through the tears. "It's not fun. It's not glorious, but it is needful, because evil is everywhere and must be stopped and sometimes when push comes to shove, you've just gotta shove back. Your love and caring and skill have made me who I am and I want to say thank you, Xena," she said smiling as the tears ran down her cheeks. "I love you, my friend; always. And I promise, that someday we'll see one another again. Goodbye ... my beloved." She closed her eyes and lowered her head for a moment, then straightened up wiping her eyes.

Before she could move, a voice spoke behind her. "So ... does this mean yer all through yellin' at me now?"

Gabrielle staggered, and spun around. She swayed as she saw the leather clad figure standing before her. The world seemed to roar around her and her mouth hung open with shock.

"Better close that," smiled the warrior, "Lotsa bats in these mountains."

Blindly the bard staggered forward and clung to the raven-haired woman, holding on and sobbing into her muscled chest, while Xena hugged her back tightly, kissed her hair and whispered gentle words.

Finally the bard looked up with glowing eyes and her voice trembled with love. "By the gods, Xena! You're alive? B-But how? What happened? Where have you been? Oh, please, PLEASE tell me that I'm not dreaming or crazy?"

Xena held her away and looked seriously at her soulmate. "No, my dear one. You're wrong on all three counts. You're not crazy or dreaming, and … I'm not alive."

"Y-You're a ghost?" Gabrielle squeezed her. "B-But you can't be. Ghosts can't touch the living ... you feel solid to me." She squeezed the warrior again, this time hard.

"Oof! Easy there," the big woman grunted with a grin. "I don't fully understand it myself, all I can guess is that it was a kind of gift from Akemi and the other spiritsouls, for freeing them." She shrugged. "Normally, I'm like most ghosts; not quite there. I can see and hear everything but I can't be seen. 'Faded' I call it. But I've found that if I concentrate hard, I can make you see and hear me." She smiled almost shyly. "I think it's 'cause I love you so much."

Gabrielle blushed with pleasure, then touched Xena's face gently. "What about the way you are now? You feel perfectly normal to me."

The warrior nodded. "I've found that if I concentrate really REALLY hard, I can be, um, solid for a minute or two without really working at it before I kinda, well, fade back out and can't touch anything." She frowned. "If I don't concentrate at all, I get completely 'faded' away, but I can still hear and see you even though you won't know I'm there."

Gabrielle found her eyes filling with tears and her heart filling with joy. "Oh, Xena. Oh, my beloved," she sobbed. "I don't care HOW you're here, as long as you are." She stood on tiptoe and their lips met and her hot tears ran down her face and neck. They clung to each other for long moments, then suddenly the bard pulled away. Her face was stark.

Xena was concerned. "Gabrielle? What is it?"

"Were ... were you h-here last n-night?"

"Well, yeah," said the dark woman uncomfortably. "I was 'faded' away then..."

"By the gods, Xena," the bard choked. "I said horrible ... hateful things about you. How can you ever forgive me?" She hung her head in shame.

The warrior cupped her chin and turned her friend's face up to her. The blue eyes were serious. "My love, there is nothing to forgive. Anger at the death of a friend or loved one is normal. You were HURTING, in pain of the worst sort ... because of me. Of course you were angry; absolutely furious I would think."

"But the things I said..."

Xena looked sad. "Gabrielle. You had to get them out, I knew that. To GET past the pain, you gotta GO through the pain. You had to realize that I am dead and come to terms with it on your own and forgive me for dying on you." She looked down and her voice was soft. "I'm sorry, maybe I was wrong, but I felt that I had to let you go through it on your own."

There was silence for a moment, then Gabrielle nodded. "S'all right, but couldn't you have warned me or something?" The bard pretended to grumble. "I've got a sore throat and my hands hurt this morning 'cause'a all that screaming and pounding last night."

A corner of Xena's mouth went up. "Hey, didn't I say that I would always be at your side? What more of a hint did you want?"

Gabrielle shook her head and smiled wryly. "Always cryptic, aren't you? If I told you once I musta told you a hundred times, 'Yer plenty mysterious enough without working at it!'"

"I always was a pain in the butt that way, wasn't I?" Xena was rueful. "So many years of scheming, plotting and planning, of never lettin' my left hand know what the right was doing kinda beat it into me I guess. Oh, sweetheart. I promise I'll try to do better by you from now on."

Gabrielle waved it away. "Never mind, if you stopped being mysterious, I wouldn't know it was you." The lovers laughed and hugged each other again and the petite blond laid her head on Xena's shoulder. Suddenly the bard's arms went through the warrior as if she wasn't there and she staggered through the big woman and on out behind her like she had been so much smoke.

Gabrielle turned around to see her lover standing there looking disgruntled. "Wh-What happened?" She squeaked, looking frightened.

Xena made a face. "Guess my ... uh, 'solidness' just wore off. Told ya it didn't last too long if I wasn't concentrating."

Gabrielle was relieved. "Oh, I was worried there for a minute." Then concern filled her face. "Y-You can do it again, can't you? That wasn't the one and only time, was it?"

"No, no, but like I said, I have to REALLY concentrate to remain solid for long." She grinned. "You distracted me. Sorry."

The blond was relieved. "Don't be. As long as we can snuggle occasionally, I won't complain." She looked seriously at her friend. "So ... was this worth it? Are you at peace now, finally?"

Xena sighed. "Dear one, I paid the ultimate price for my sins of the past. I did as much good as I could while still alive and died doing good. Now, at your side, I'll continue to do whatever I can to atone." She looked judicious. "But ya know what? I do seem to feel a strange sort of … of, well, peace, I guess you'd call it. Something I've never felt before while I was alive." Her face lit up. "Yeah, I do feel better. It worked!"

Gabrielle looked at her. "So you had this all planned out in advance, then? Your death, your coming back like this? Everything?" The bard felt almost disappointed. "You always have a plan. I guess I should'a figured that out."

"By no means," Xena said uncomfortably. "I wasn't quite sure how this would work out after the sun went down, in fact I was a bit scared to tell the truth. Thought I might vanish completely or something." As Gabrielle stared at her, she continued soberly. "Oh, I was ready to go, come what may, but I wasn't sure what the underworld setup would be with Yudoshi out of the way."

"So you took an awful chance, as usual," the bard said quietly.

"Gabrielle," Xena swallowed and her face was sad. "I needed peace. When Ghostkiller told me what I had done to forty thousand innocent people at Higuchi, it all came in on me again." She closed her eyes briefly. When she opened them they were shining with tears. "No matter what I did, my past always seemed to come back to haunt me. But now that I've given my life to save that city again and to free all those spiritsouls, my heart feels ... light." Her face was joyous. "It's like I've been washed clean of evil for the first time. And my dear one, I owe it all to you. To your courage and compassion and your strength to be by my side through everything and finally, to let me go."

The bard's eyes were moist. "I haven't let you go, Xena. You'll always be in my heart."

"And you'll be in mine, Gabrielle." The warrior whispered and they looked at one another with love. Then the big woman cocked her head and spoke. "You know ya oughta get going, my love. Ya got a long way to go to get down off this mountain."

Gabrielle said straight-faced. "I thought you got down off a duck?"

The warrior's eyes widened and she stared for a moment, then laughed out loud. "You always surprise me, my love," she chuckled. "You know I think that's what I admire the most about you? Here I thought you were all sad and unhappy, and you come out with something like that."

The small blond's face was serious. "I am sad and unhappy, Xena. But since you are back beside me, I may be able to get over it a bit now..."

The raven-haired woman blinked back a tear. "Oh, my dear one. I never wanted you to be hurt, but I had to do this ... for me."

"I know, my love." Gabrielle said gently. "Because if you don't do whatever you can to atone all the time, EVERY TIME, you couldn't live with yourself. It's taken me a long time to learn it, but that's one of the things I signed up for when I began to travel with you ... and Xena?" She smiled with tenderness. "I want you to know, that it's ALL been worth it."

"Oh, Gabrielle..." Xena whispered and her voice trembled. The two soulmates just looked at one another for long moments, and said nothing, but their faces full were of their love.

"So ... where will you be if I don't see you?" The bard finally asked softly. "How can I reach you if I want to talk or ask your advice?"

Xena looked into her eyes. "Gabrielle, I'll always be here. All you have to do is speak to me and I'll come to you." Her lips quirked. "But I'd use a little care when and where you do it, because normally yer the only one who can see or hear me unless I solidify fully." She grinned. "If you seem to be talking to yourself in the marketplace all the time, people might start calling you, 'The Mad Battling Bard of Poteidaia.'"

Gabrielle raised an eyebrow, then grinned too and her nose crinkled. "Hmmm. That might work out pretty well, actually. Probably sell a lotta scrolls."

Xena's grin got wider. "And if not, I could always solidify and toss the jug-heads around a little till they bought one." She was fading fast now and Gabrielle could see though her to the mountainside behind. "Till later, my dear one."

"Till later," the bard repeated softly. "I love you, Xena."

Like a whisper on the breeze, Xena's voice seemed to surround her. "I love you, Gabrielle." Smiling, she faded away completely and the bard was by herself again.

After a moment Gabrielle shook herself and started down the mountainside towards the long road to the unknown future. But now she knew that she was not alone on this trek. She felt the love and care of her soulmate surrounding her like a warm blanket, and knew that she would never again be alone or lonely for as long as she lived ... or even after she died.

For she loved and was loved ... and even death could not them part.

The End

Back to FanFic Index