ForevaXena's FanFic . . .
As The Camera Turns
by Claire
Withercross
Very Important
Disclaimer:
This story makes references to real people. Their actions in this story bear no
relation to the actual individuals, and this story is not intended to malign
them in any way, shape or form. Please don't sue me. No, I mean it, please
don’t sue me.
Other
Important Disclaimer:
Some of the characters in this story are copyright MCA/Universal/RenPic.
Warnings:
Some beta readers laughed while reading this. So, please don’t sue me.
Bard's Boring
Bits: Lots of people need to be thanked for their help and encouragement in
producing this story, but I'm only going to mention two. Incognotter; for,
showing. me: how! to, Punctuate? properly£ (have a fish; or three); and Harpy
for finding the missing scene. Oh, one more person should get a mention, Carolyn
a.k.a. Taleweaver for a comment on the beta version of “As The Stomach
Turns” way back on April 26, that sparked the idea for this work, it’s taken
a while, but I finally got here.
Honestly, I
respect the hard work you do and don’t mean to offend you, so, please don’t
sue me.
Historians
Note: People are not interested in your theories on how we lived in the
past, they have too much to worry about living in the present. I don’t care if
you sue me. I was talking to the historians there, not the wonderful, fine,
talented, non suing type actors who have a great sense of humor and are not
easily offended by me, I mean, someone, not me, honest, taking the mickey out of
them.
Note:
This is a series of out-takes from "As The Stomach Turns", read that
first to understand this. Then read all my other stuff. There now follows a
couple of quotes to show how clever I am. If you wish to skip them, then be my
guest.
“If
a person were to try stripping the disguises from the actors while they play a
scene upon the stage, showing to the audience their real looks and the faces
they were born with, would not such a one spoil the whole play? And would not
the spectators think he deserved to be driven out of the theatre with brickbats,
as a drunken disturber?...Now what else is the whole life of mortals but a sort
of comedy, in which the various actors, disguised by various costumes and masks,
walk on and play each one his part, until the manager waves them off the stage?
Moreover, this manager frequently bids the same actor go back in a different
costume, so that he who has but lately played the king in scarlet now acts the
flunkey in patched clothes.”
Erasmus, The Praise Of Folly.
A
drunk old man is held aloft by a leather clad Warrior Princess. He speaks.
"In
the land of the green sky, next the road to home by…no, that's wrong, isn't
it?"
"Uh-huh!"
she nods.
"Cut!"
****
Ted
Raimi, dressed as Joxer, stumbles into shot on location. "Hi. I'm Ted Raimi.
I play Joxer in Xena: Warrior Princess, but you probably knew that. You probably
also know that Joxer is a bumbling idiot. Well, let me let you in on a little
secret." He beckons with his finger and looks around to make sure he isn't
being overheard. The camera zooms in. "He's not the only one," he
whispers. "A recent episode, 'As The Stomach Turns', produced more than its
fair share of bloopers. Check this
out."
****
"And...
Action!"
A
good looking man with a beard leans over a cliff. "Oooh, I've got to see
this," he says with a smile.
"Ares,"
replies our heroine off camera.
"Just
hanging around?"
"….Uh…yeah,
but that's my line."
"<beep>,"
the god of war hangs his head.
"This
is what you get for hiring a god called Kevin."
****
Cut
back to Ted.
"And
he thinks he's better than me," he laughs. "And what about that guy at
the start?"
****
The
drunk old man mutters to himself. "Okay I got it."
"Action!"
"In
the land of the green sky, next the <beep>!"
"Cut!"
****
"We'll
be back for more of him later," promises Ted, practicing removing his sword
from the scabbard. "Forgetting lines is not the only problem; Xena is a
costume drama and sometimes the costumes have a mind of their own. For
example," he whips out his sword cleanly again. "I'm supposed to get
the sword stuck. Anyway, check these."
****
"Gabrielle,"
Xena says softly, a smile curling her lip. She places an arm around the
shoulders of her sidekick. "You know-" She's interrupted by a 'twang'
and her breast plate falls to the floor.
Renee
O'Connor smiles at the crew. "Who wants to re-attach it? I'll start the
bidding at fifty dollars."
++++
Xena
is seen hunting in some undergrowth.
"What
exactly are we looking for?" Gabrielle's voice comes from off camera.
"My
<beeep> chakram. It's fallen off somewhere."
++++
Our
two heroines are pushing their way through a crowd. All of a sudden Lucy stops
and taps the shoulder of the man next to her. "What's the time?"
He
raises his arm to look at his wrist. Lucy grabs it and shows his watch to the
camera.
"It's
a Rolex," she says. "We're paying these extras too much."
++++
Voice
over from Ted: "The rumour that film of this next bit from the reverse
angle recently sold for $50,000 at a convention is totally unfounded. I didn't
get a cent over $30,000."
"Action!"
The
camera is looking up at a blonde-haired bard being dangled over a cliff.
"Can
you see it?" asks the warrior doing the dangling.
"No."
"Cut!"
"What?"
"Lucy,
why have you got your eyes closed. It's Renee that's supposed to do that."
"She's
also supposed to have put some underwear on!"
A
flushed looking Ms O'Connor is speechless.
****
Cut
to Ted drooling over a monitor showing the clip.
"Ah,"
he straightens up and fixes a smile to his face when he realises he's being
watched. "Remember our drunk in the bar? Let's see how he's getting
on."
When
he thinks we've gone he turns back to the monitor and rewinds the tape.
****
"In
the land of the green moon, by the woods of the...<beeep>"
****
Voice
over: "Acting sometimes requires an actor to perform feats above and beyond
those normally encountered in real life. More often than not those scenes go
without a hitch; it's trying to do the simple things that causes problems."
****
"Xena?"
The
warrior casts a sidelong glance at her sidekick. "What?"
"Shut
up and throw the dice."
Xena
growls at the back of her throat, shakes the cup and let the dice fall onto the
table.
One
of the dice bounces onto the floor.
"<beep>"
"Try
again," calls the director.
"Where
from?" asks Lucy, accepting the errant die from a stage hand.
"Do
it from the growl."
"Right."
Lucy
takes a moment to compose herself. She growls, shakes the cup and throws the
dice onto the table.
Both
dice skip off the table.
"Aaaarghh,"
cries Lucy. "Ffffffff-"
"Fiddlesticks?"
supplies Renee, hopefully.
++++
"Where
did you get that?" asks Xena, she rushes over to Gabrielle and snatches the
scroll from the bard's hand.
The
scroll tears in two.
"That's
torn it," says Renee.
Lucy
laughs and throws her half of the scroll at her co-star.
++++
The
camera pans down from a tree into a campfire scene, Xena and Gabrielle are
sitting near the fire.
"This
scene didn't make it into the final version. I wonder why," says Ted in
voice over as the camera moves closer to Xena, who is sharpening her sword.
"Xena?
Do you believe in true love?" asks Gabrielle.
"Is
there any other kind? <beep>, that was sharp."
Lucy
sucks on her finger. "I 'ought it wa' 'uppo'ed to 'e 'lunt." she
complains around her digit.
"Are
you okay to carry on?" asks the director without any concern in his voice.
Lucy
nods.
"Keep
rolling," calls the director.
Lucy
continues, with caution, to sharpen the sword.
There's
silence on set.
"Is
it my line?" asks Renee.
"Yes."
More
silence.
"Would
anyone care to give me hint?"
"Start
from the top," the director orders.
"Xena?
Do youoooh!" Renee turns to the director. "Has she got to sharpen that
sword? It goes right through me."
"Yes!"
"Xena?
Do you believe in true love?"
"Is
there any other kind?"
"I
still can't remember what I'm supposed to say now."
"Cut!"
++++
"Action!"
"Xena?
Do you believe in true love?"
Xena
looks up from polishing her breastplate. "Is there any other kind?"
"There
are all sorts-"
A
bulb blows casting half the set into total darkness.
++++
"Action!"
"Xena?
Do you believe in true love?"
Xena
looks up from polishing her breastplate. "Is there any other kind?"
"There
are all sorts of love."
"Hmm,"
Xena hums in agreement. "What do you consider to be true love?"
"Oh,"
the bard stares up at the stars with a wistful look. "The prince and
princess, coming together against the wishes-Aaaggh!"
The
campfire suddenly flares up. A nearby blanket smoulders for a second before
bursting into flame. As a stage hand tries to beat it out, a spark sets some
foliage ablaze. Within ten seconds a third of the set is on fire; the rest falls
down as the actors scurry away and film crew rush in setting off fire
extinguishers.
****
Voice
over: "One of the many things Xena and its sister show, Hercules, are
notorious for, is the recycling of actors. Sometimes this presents a problem for
our leading lady."
****
"Gabrielle!"
Xena rushes up to Gabrielle at the market stall. She pulls her sword and holds
it to the throat of a surprised looking merchant. "Sorry, Campbell,"
she says and lowers the sword. "It was last week you were trying to kill
me, wasn't it?"
****
Ted
is relaxing in a chair sipping a drink and munching on a sandwich.
"Hi," he says around a mouthful of crumbs. "Caught me snatching a
quick bite to eat. Actors are very busy on set and eating is sometimes done at a
rush. This can play havoc with filming done after lunch."
****
A
very sick looking Gabrielle is sitting at a desk, quill in hand.
The
director's voice cuts across the set. "Action!"
Nothing
happens.
"Renee,
action."
Renee
pulls a face and taps her chest. "A bit of indigestion. Can we take
five."
The
director sighs. "I guess so, and you can wipe that ketchup off your face as
well."
++++
Gabrielle,
Aphrodite and Ares are on the ledge. The goddess turns to the bard.
"You-"
She starts laughing.
"I
can't believe it, the goddess of lurve just farted," says Kevin.
"I
can't believe it's not butter," says Alexandra, and turns and grins
straight into camera. "I wonder if they'll pay me for that when the blooper
reel gets shown?"
"She's
also available for weddings, birthdays, bar-mitzvahs, funerals…," says
Renee.
"That's
me. Always available."
"That's
because you're a whore, Alex," shouts Lucy from off camera.
"Uh-huh.
Just like you, sweetie."
"Except
I earn more."
"Only
because your farts smell sweeter," chips in Kevin, waving a hand in front
of his face.
"How
would you know?" asks Renee.
"It's
how they pay me. You think I do this crap for money?"
****
"Enough
of that," says Ted. He's in make-up having a lurid bruise painted over his
eye. "Let's see if our drunk has got it right yet."
He
reaches up to touch his eye. "Ow! That's so realistic."
****
"Right!
Now say it when the camera's rolling. And... Action!"
"In
the land of the moon….sorry, I've got it now."
"Keep
rolling!"
"In
the land of the moon... <beeeeeeep>. <beeep>."
****
"Not
yet, it would appear," Ted winces at the bad language. He's checking his
make-up in a hand held mirror. "The beeper's working overtime on the next
bit. And she looks so sweet, too. Just like me."
He
blows a kiss at his reflection.
****
"Action!"
The
camera starts on a close up of Renee's face and slowly pulls back. Her eyes
flick from side to side. "Go on!" she says to someone off screen.
"It's
your line, Ren," Lucy calls back.
"<beep>.
So it is."
Lucy's
head pokes into the shot and stares open-mouthed into the camera. She raises her
hand to her mouth in mock shock.
"All
right! Action."
Lucy
pulls out of shot and the camera re-focuses on Renee.
"Action!"
Renee
starts to laugh. "Sorry," she clears throat and tries to make her face
straight. "Ok, I'm ready."
"Just
don't say <beep> again," Lucy calls from off camera.
"Shut
up you, <beep>"
"Where
did my sweet innocent Gabby learn a word like that?"
"You
talk in your sleep."
Lucy
and the crew roar with laughter.
Renee
scowls. "I'm working with a <beeeeep> bunch of <beeeeep>
<beep> headed <beeeep> amateurs. I never had this <beeeep>ing
problem on the <beeep> Mickey Mouse <beeeep>
Club"
"I
didn't realise I'd been getting that much sleep"
"And
you're just as <beeeep> bad, Lawless! I <beeep> never
had any problem working with Hudson. Why don't you go and break another <beeeep>
leg!" She drops her head in hands for a moment then looks up. "Okay. I
feel better for that," she smiles.
Renee
opens her arms and Lucy moves into shot; they hug. Lucy grins lasciviously into
the camera and grabs Renee's ass. "You should lose it more often."
****
Ted
is standing next to a wind machine, script in hand.
"That's
all for this little insight," he says.
"You're
needed on camera, Mr Raimi," a lackey calls.
"Must
dash. Here's a final word from our old friend."
He
puts the script down and moves out of shot. Just as he is about to disappear he
trips. The sound of a thousand tea trays being dropped down a flight of stairs
comes from off camera.
****
"Take
74. Action!"
"In
the land of the green sky, by the woods of the moon, next the road to
home," says the drunk old man.
The
warrior frowns. "In the land of the green.. gree…."
"Aw
now she's cocked it up."
"I'm
supposed to, you <beep>."
THE END
Please,
don’t sue me.
Started
28 April 2000. Completed 06 October 2000
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