ForevaXena's FanFic . . .
Conversion
by Warrior Judge
OWNERSHIP
DISCLAIMER: The characters of
Xena and Gabrielle belong in their entirety to Universal/MCA, Renaissance
Pictures, and all the other powers that be...Yadayadayada.
No copyright infringement is intended. I wrote this story at the urging
of my muse; it should never be used for profit.
VIOLENCE:
LOVE/SEX
WARNING/DISCLAIMER:
RELIGION
DISCLAIMER:
THANKS:
1. CJ Wells (You are
the greatest) - A brilliant bard,
in my humble opinion. Check out her installments FREEDOM and THE EMBRACE. They
are amazing and had been a tremendous inspiration to me. Thanks, dear, for
making the time and the effort for me.
2. Noa (I’m proud
to be your friend) - For being
there for me, putting up with my whining, for all your help.
3.CB - Thank you for
your hard work in mending my story. You’re the best.
Comments &
Feedback: Please! Pretty please, with sugar on top!
From
Gabrielle’s Diary
Baden,
Germany Monday 30/11/1750
I was twenty years of
age when I first joined "Our Lady Of Sorrows" Convent in Baden.
I was born and raised
in Stuttgart by poor, humble Catholic parents. I was their only child. My mother
had some complications during labor and it left her sterile. My father always
used to tell me that my birth was a miracle and that I was a gift from God. My
parents believed that one must always return a favor with a favor. So, ever
since I was a little girl my parents decided they would dedicate me to God. My
parents taught and educated me to love and worship God and his son, our Lord and
Savior, Jesus Christ. They taught me well and I did grow to love and worship God
and so becoming a nun was only natural. Since my puberty I have dedicated myself
to God and saved my body pure for the Lord, allowing no one touch it. It
wasn’t an easy task, especially since the neighbors’ boys started noticing
me and sniffing around me. I was
very proud of myself for maintaining my virginity.
When I was eighteen I
attended the "Exelsis Dei" Convent here in Stuttgart, but since I disobeyed
the Prioress, I was expelled and sent to a less prestigious convent, the one in
Baden.
The day I arrived at
"Our Lady Of Sorrows" Convent in Baden was a cold and rainy one. I remember
standing outside its huge, heavy wooden door, rubbing my palms against each
other for heat. With a frozen and numb fist, I knocked on the door. By the time
the nuns opened the door I was already soaking wet and had lost sensation in my
toes.
"Pax vobis, Sister
Gabrielle, we’ve been expecting you." The nun who opened the door said to me
and cleared the path for me to enter. I walked in.
"Et cum spiritu tu."
I returned the greeting.
"I’m Sister Anna,
welcome to our convent." Without even a breath she rapidly went on:
"You’ll be given
a dry hood and a dry habit and be shown to the Dormitorium. You will be sleeping
in the bed next to Sister Agnes. After you are dry, you will be taken to the
Prioress for interview." She said and we began walking through a very long
corridor with naked walls, save the monumental cross that was hung on the wall
to my right.
At
the end of the corridor, a staircase awaited us. Silently we climbed up the
stairs to the second floor of the convent. I was shown to the Dormitorium. The
Dormitorium was huge and had only several small windows with dark brown curtains
and about forty beds with white sheets neatly tucked in. A heavy wooden desk and
a large closet also occupied the Dormitorium. Next to each bed, there was a
small dresser with candles, a pack of matches and a copy of the bible. Crosses
with the image of the crucified were nailed to the wall above the heads of the
beds. In our order, the Benedictine order, young nuns and elderly nuns slept in
the same Dormitorium together. Aside from that, the Dormitorium is to be lit
with candle light throughout the night. The reason for these rules is to prevent
abominations such as copulation between nuns. As I was walking further into the
Dormitorium I could hear the squeaking of the floorboards and the odor of dust
greeted my nostrils.
"The left bed is
yours. In the closet you will find a clean and dry hood and habit." She said
briefly and pointed her index finger first to the bed and then to the closet.
" After you are all dried and changed, I’ll take you to the Prioress for an
interview." She said and then turned her very full figure, exited the room and
closed the door behind her.
I put down my small
gray suitcase, opened it and took out a towel that my mother sewed my initials
on. I took off my hood and
dried my damped blond hair. I then took off my habit and dried my body, which
was cold and had goose bumps all over. I opened the closet, took out the hood
and habit I found there and wore them as instructed. I exited the Dormitorium
and saw Sister Anna waiting for me in the corridor. She escorted me to the
Prioress’ study room, which was back on the first floor. Once I was in, Sister
Anna left the study and I was left alone with the Prioress.
"Sit down, my
child." She said with a soft, soothing alto voice. I sat down in front of her.
A wide desk made of oak filled the space between us. The wall to her left was
covered with many shelves that were loaded with books. She was sitting on a high
back chair. Finally, my gaze met hers.
"I’m Sister Maria
and I’m the Prioress of the "Our Lady of Sorrows" Convent." She
introduced herself. She had magnificent ocean blue eyes, strong high cheekbones
and beautiful red lips. She had the most stunning face I have ever seen in my
life. For a minute there I was afraid I would lose track of what she was saying.
I couldn’t see her hair because the hood she was wearing covered it. But I
knew the color of it was raven black, because that was the color of her
eyebrows. The Prioress had a necklace with a cross hanging on it. The cross that
was resting on her chest was made of gold and was very large for a pendent. It
was at least five times the size of the average. She looked at the papers that
she held before her eyes.
"You are Sister
Gabrielle, correct?" She asked and raised her glance to me.
"Correct,
Prioress." I answered.
"I understand you
had a run in with the Prioress in the previous convent you attended, "Exelsis
Dei" wasn’t it?" She inquired, but I could tell by her tone that she
already knew the answer.
"Yes, Prioress."
I said quietly, shyly.
"So, having
difficulties with obeying the rules...a bit of a rabble, are we?" I didn’t
detect any harshness in her voice. But rather the opposite, she sounded almost
amused. " Out of curiosity, what did you do, my child?" She raised an
eyebrow and I saw a shadow of a smile at the corner of her lips. When she
didn’t hear me uttering a single word, she placed down the documents she held
slowly onto the table. "Well?" she finally urged me.
"My sisters from
"Exelsis Dei", and I went to visit demented people in a mental asylum back
in Stuttgart. The Prioress asked us to pray for their souls, for their
salvation. She forbade us to touch them and explained to us that they were at
the grasp of Satan. Those demons possessed their deformed bodies and in order to
remain pure for God, we must not get too close to them, or touch them. A small
child at the corner of the hall captured my sight. He was small and was
trembling terribly, apparently from hours of crying." As I was reminiscing,
the vision of that poor little boy appeared before my mind’s eye and I felt a
big lump swelling in my throat. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to carry my
voice and break down in tears. "He was crying for his mother who had probably
abandoned him there that day...His cries tore my heart. I couldn’t resist it
anymore and against my better judgment I went to him. I held him tight in my
arms and comforted him." As I was finishing the tale, I saw a small smile
forming for a brief moment at the corner of the Prioress lips. Alas, after a
short while, she resumed her stoic expression.
"Well,
my child, if you do not wish to be expelled from this convent, you must
understand that I will tolerate nothing less than absolute obedience and total
discipline." She informed me. She didn’t use a harsh tone, yet she left no
room for misunderstandings. I heard her message loud and clear.
"Yes, Prioress."
I humbly retorted and bowed my head in acceptance.
"The convent’s
bells strike at first light. All the sisters gather in the chapel for morning
prayers. Afterwards we all have breakfast in the dining hall. During the
mornings we all work at the vivarium and the vegetable garden. We grow carrots,
onions and peas. Lunch is served precisely at noon. In the afternoon we all
gather in the main hall, which is a library, for service and studying. We pray
again in the evening and then return to the Dormitorium. I have deliberately
placed you next to Sister Agnes’ bed. She is most obedient and devoted. Since
you obviously have a discipline problem, I strongly advise you to learn from
her. She’ll set a perfect example for you, Sister Gabrielle." The Prioress
rose to her feet and so did I. It
was at that moment that I realized how very tall she was. She was impressive and
I looked at her in awe.
"Any questions?"
She asked and looked into my eyes as if she was searching my soul.
"None, Prioress."
I promptly answered.
"Very well, then.
Follow the rules and we will get along just fine, I assure you." She paused
for a moment and then added, "Welcome, Sister Gabrielle." She smiled a toothy smile
accompanied by a pair of glaring blue eyes. I lowered my head, paying her
respect and left her study. Finding the vivarium was no trouble at all and soon
enough I joined my fellow sisters.
Upon my arrival, I
saw a few sisters whispering in each other’s ears and pointing at me. One of
the sisters approached me.
"Pax Vobis,"
"Et cum spiritu tu."
"I’m Sister
Agatha."
"I’m Sister
Gabrielle." I said and smiled.
"And how was your
interview with the Prioress?"
"Just fine, I
guess."
"She is a holy
woman in the truest sense of the word. She wasn’t like that all her life
though, word is she used to be quite promiscuous." She whispered.
"I see." I
answered and heavily blushed. I was contemplating Sister Agatha’s remarks
regarding the Prioress. She seemed to be so pure and virtuous that I couldn’t
picture her in my mind’s eye any other way.
"You must follow
the rules. The Prioress is very strict and nothing evades her. She knows
everything that goes on around here...and I do mean everything." Sister Agatha,
who seemed to be around my age, gave me an intense look that spooked me a
little. I didn’t know whether to take her words seriously or not. For one, it
is hard to believe that the Prioress had a questionable reputation and yet
became the Prioress of a convent at quite a young age. She seemed as if she is
no older than 30 years. Moreover, I sensed that Sister Agatha gave the Prioress
characteristics that only the lord possesses...knowing EVERYTHING that goes on
in the convent...really...
"Come now, let us
join our sisters in labor." She said. We both strode towards the vivarium.
At lunchtime, Sisters
Agnes and Agatha and all the others entered the dining hall. It had long rolls
of wooden benches and tables. We entered the line and waited our turn to get our
food. After we got it, we sat down at the table. After all the other sisters had
their plates in front of them on the table, there was silence. All of my fellow
sisters stood up.
"What are we
waiting for?" I whispered in Sister Agnes’ ear.
"For the Prioress,
of-course." She retorted rather harshly.
Then I saw the
Prioress enter the hall. She was indeed very tall and amazingly beautiful. There
was this aura about her...She looked like an angel that came down from heaven.
She is by far more righteous than I, I thought, for she knew carnal lust and
pleasures of the flesh. Yet she cast it away, waved it, for the love of our lord
Jesus Christ. I, on the other hand, knew none -- Therefore, her sacrifice is by
far greater than mine. She was walking slowly toward her place at the head of
the long table and I couldn’t help but look at her almost with veneration.
"You may sit."
She announced once she had reached her destination. We all sat. I saw her
searching for something with her blue eyes.
"Sister
Gabrielle." She called.
"Yes, Prioress."
I gasped for she startled me.
"How is your
Latin?" She questioned. I hesitated for a moment and then coughed:
"Fairly well,
Prioress."
"Good, please do us
the honor and say Benedicite." She ordered politely and smiled as if to
encourage me. All the sisters bowed their heads, entwining their fingers on the
tables before their chests. I said Benedictine in Latin while praying a silent
prayer in my heart that no one noticed the trembling of voice. After the last
word had been uttered from my mouth, the sisters said "Amen" in union and
began to eat. I looked at the Prioress. The reason for staring at her eluded me,
but still I did and I saw her looking back at me. She smiled and then looked
down at her plate and began eating as well.
The fact that she caught my gaze made me feel somewhat uncomfortable.
I learned that it was
a custom in the convent to bathe after lunch and before studying in the library.
Back at "Exelsis Dei", I never took a bath with the rest of the sisters in
the communal bathroom. I guess it was because I was too shy and embarrassed to
reveal my naked form to anyone but myself. I realize it was not rational; after
all, we were all women. But still, I couldn’t bring myself to expose my body
this way. I had decided to do what I did in the previous convent I attended; I
would bathe at night, when everyone was asleep.
After all the sisters
came back from their bath we went to the main hall to study. The Prioress had
already waited for us in the hall. We all took our places and sat down quickly
so as not to make the Prioress wait for us for too long. The Prioress stood on a
high podium so that all of us could see her. We all sat around the podium, which
forced her to turn every now and then to show her face to all of her audience.
She began her preaching. I hate to admit this but the way she moved the power
and conviction with which she spoke captured me and I couldn’t concentrate on
what she was actually saying. I couldn’t make out the words, but I distinctly
noticed the tone of a question coming out of her mouth. To my great misfortune
it was directed to me.
"Your answer,
Sister Gabrielle..." She was piercing me with her eyes.
"I’m sorry, what
was the question, Prioress?" My voice barely registered above a whisper. I was
amazed that she heard me at all. She must have acute hearing, I acknowledged.
"You’ll be fined
with five ‘Hail Mary’s’ Sister Gabrielle, and don’t let me catch you
next time. I won’t be so merciful. Not even ten "Hail Mary’s" will be of
salvation to you." She raised her voice at me and I felt the blood leaving my
body. I could not help feeling extremely humiliated for being reprimanded by her
in front of my peers even after I bowed my head, as a fruitless attempt to avoid
her wrath. I could still feel her
angered narrowed eyes piercing me. At that moment, I made a resolution - I would
never provide her with a reason to reprimand me again. Just in time, she resumed
her lecture and I memorized every word she said.
The
long study session went on and on and at one point it seemed it would never end.
The bells, which announced the end of the day, were like saviors to me. We all
went to the chapel that was at the right wing of the convent. The chapel was
lovely in spite of its rather petite dimensions. What really caught my sight was
the relatively large organ it had. When Sister Agatha saw me eyeing the
instrument she simply muttered,
"The Prioress
occasionally plays it."
As I was walking into
the chapel, I tilted my head and observed the breathtaking vitreous and statues
that decorated its interior. Right after each had found her place the prayer
began. Since I was so very tired and hungry, I was only too happy when the
evening prayer was finally over and that soon I would be able to retire to the
Dormitorium on the second floor. During supper the Prioress didn’t skip the
opportunity to tantalize me some more and asked of me yet again to say
"Benedicite" in Latin.
When the day was
finally over, I could barely drag my feet up the stairs. Once I entered the
Dormitorium I walked towards my bed in haste. I took off the black hood and ran
my fingers though my short blond hair, feeling it breathing the fresh air. I lay
on my bed, fully dressed minus the hood and shoes and pulled the covers over my
body. As I rested my head on the pillow, I heard myself ask Sister Agnes, who
was in the bed next to me:
"Isn’t the
Prioress sleeping in the Dormitorium with us?"
"Of course not!"
She cried as if she was appalled by the notion of it. "She sleeps in her own
chamber, which is located at the end of the corridor, near the bath-chamber."
She explained after she had calmed down a little.
"What made Our
Prioress repent?" I asked after a few moments of silence.
"What is it to you,
Sister Gabrielle?" She murmured.
"Curiosity, I
guess." I answered nonchalantly and turned my head on the pillow in order to
face her.
"The Prioress was a
talented physician before she joined our order. She used to treat nobility.
She had a weird name before she became a nun...I forget what it was..."
She trailed off then she shook her head as if to enable her to get back on
track. " They say both her mother and her brother died in freakish accidents
the same year. To be more precise, her brother was kicked in the head by a horse
and there was nothing the Prioress could have done for him His injuries were too
severe, he died in her arms. Two months after the death of her brother, the
Prioress operated on her mother. It was suppose to be a common procedure, but
her mother died under the Prioress’s scalpel in a most bizarre way. Prior to
their deaths, the Prioress, so they say, use to copulate with both men and women
like the Devil’s bitch in heat. They say the Prioress believed it was God’s
way of punishing her for her ghastly carnal sins and indiscretions, and so she
decided to become a nun."
I was so shocked by
all the things she told me about the Prioress. In her tone of voice I could
almost detect joy and eagerness to deliver that information on the Prioress to
me. Sister Agnes sounded like she was almost happy that the Prioress wasn’t
virtuous before she joined the convent. That in fact she was quite the opposite,
nothing more than Satan’s concubine. During the past day, a lot of other
sisters in the convent approached me and told me that the Prioress has a kind
and merciful heart and that she is practically a saint. And yet, Sister Agnes is
saying all these dreadful things about her. Who was it that gave sister Agnes
those dirty little secrets regarding the Prioress...dirty little secrets...is
that all they were?! Is there truth behind those words?! Can it be that our
Prioress indulged herself in lustful fornication with women as well?
It was very hard to
keep my eyes open and not give in to slumber. I almost surrendered to my fatigue
and was about to give up bathing today. Thank God I was so smelly that skipping
bathing ceased being an option. I waited for about an hour, until I was sure all
the other sisters were sound asleep. Then, on the tip of my toes, with a towel
in my hand and without breathing, I sneaked out of the Dormitorium. I walked as
quietly as a thief along the corridor. I was barefoot and the cold floor that
was made out of stone, unlike the floor in the Dormitorium, ruthlessly bit at my
feet.
I finally arrived at
the bath-chamber. It was dimly lit and so quiet I could hear my heart beating in
my chest. Alongside the right wall I saw a huge round wooden bathtub, which
didn’t contain any water. I strode a few steps further, past the partition and
on to the next bathtub, which reassembled the first one. It also didn’t
contain any water. Empty also was
the third and the forth and so on. I finally reached the partition before the
last round bathtub. I prayed to God that it would be filled with water, any
water, even freezing cold water. I advanced one step forward and looked at the
bathtub. I was startled and gasped for air at the sight that greeted my
disbelieving eyes. I didn’t expect to find the Prioress descending her naked
body into the tub.
"Sweet Jesus!"
The words escaped my mouth without going through any cognitive process.
"Hush, child,
disobedience is one thing, but I simply won’t tolerate blasphemy. Is that
clear?"
"Yes, Prioress."
I mumbled. I saw the Prioress settle herself in the tub, for some reason I
couldn’t look away even though I knew I should have.
"What are you doing
here so late anyway?" The Prioress inquired and looked at me. I kept still and
didn’t answer her for I didn’t know what to say. I was afraid she would send
me packing.
"Well, since
you’re holding a towel in your hand, you’re not wearing your hood, and
you’re in the bath-chamber, the most logical deduction would be that you are
here in order to wash yourself. Am I right?"
She said with a low jesting voice. I guess she just wanted to ease my
mind and enable me to relax. I nodded.
"May I ask why you
didn’t take a bath when scheduled?" For a second she ducked under the
surface and wetted her long, smooth, thick, raven-black hair. She then took her
arms from under the water and placed them spread open on the edge of the tub.
She had strong muscular arms and shoulders, and her skin was glistening as the
light from the candles illuminated her.
"Well," I stopped
evading her astonishing blue eyes and I dared look directly into them.
"It just that...umm...well..." I began to stammer like an imbecile
and mentally kicked myself for that.
"You don’t wish
to expose your body before the others..." She answered for me. She took the
soap in her hand and began washing her chest, all without breaking eye contact
with me. "What’s the matter, my child, is your body deformed?" She said
and I can swear I heard pain in her voice as if she were suffering for me.
"Not at all,
Prioress, I’m just extremely shy." I muttered.
"Do you feel shame
now? Are you embarrassed in my presence as well?" She asked and I sensed such
confidence and reassurance in her voice, that I realized I wasn’t feeling
neither shame nor embarrassment in her presence.
"Strangely enough,
no." Came my muffled reply.
"Then climb into
the tub and join me." She said and smiled. "Unless you want to fill another
tub with hot water." I took off my habit and undergarments with agile hands.
In a blink of an eye I was naked like the day I was born with the faintest feel
of shame in my heart. I saw her passing a few quick glances over my body. I know
I’m not supposed to feel pride but humility like our Lord did, but the fact is
I’m proud of my body. It was well toned, firm and feminine. I entered the hot
water and sat opposite her, facing her. The water soothed my tired body and I
closed my eyes succumbing to the sensation and the lilac fragrance of the steamy
water.
"How was your first
day in the convent, my child?" She asked with the sweetest of voices.
"Interesting." I
responded.
"And what was so
interesting about it?" I saw her coaxing an eyebrow.
"New place, new
people..." For the next few moments’ silence ruled the hall. I observed the
Prioress. She was slowly and somewhat distractedly soaping her body. It looked
as if something was troubling her. She was staring at no particular object and
it seemed her mind was far away. She wasn’t mantling her stoic mask as usual.
"You know, my
child, it is by no means an easy task being a Prioress." She finally said.
"I never believed
it to be an easy task," I said and took a chunk of soap, rubbed it against my
palm and then ran my hands over my body, scrubbing the dirt away.
"It gets lonely."
She uttered in a small voice. The moment her words struck my ears I ceased all
manual activities to my body and looked at her, searching for something, a
clarification, perhaps. Oh...and how quickly Sister Agatha’s words about the
Prioress’ sexual perversions began swirling in my head...
"How so,
Prioress?" I asked, my hands remaining still.
"I can’t be a
friend with any of the sisters. If I did they’d lose respect and the loss of
discipline is bound to follow." She
still looked distant and kept staring at that evasive spot she had been
previously staring at.
"I can be your
friend if you like, I promise I won’t lose respect and discipline." I
sincerely suggested. I was eagerly hoping she would accept my offer, but her
outburst of laughter sobered me from my ridiculous wishes.
"Dear child...you
of all nuns...you can not possibly lose discipline... because you didn’t
possess any to begin with." She managed to utter in between laughs. I
couldn’t resist the urge to insolently show the Prioress how offended I was by
her words and laughter. So I plastered the right expression on my face. After
she managed to stifle her laughter she turned to me and said:
"You shouldn’t
take offense."
"None taken." I
assured her.
"You probably
don’t know it, but the Prioress of the former convent you attended wrote to me
that she also found out you engaged yourself in writing adventure
stories...since it had nothing to do with our religion, she didn’t approve of
it. Even though forbidden, she didn’t confront you with it so as not to
embarrass you. She said she thought you have the potential of becoming a very
devoted nun. But because she dreads your possible bad influence on the other
nuns, she had to expel you."
"I won’t write my
stories anymore, Prioress." I lowered my head.
"I will allow you
to write your stories, my child, just don’t tell the other nuns. After all, we
wouldn’t want anarchy in here, now, would we?" She smiled. As much as her
consent to my writing amazed me, it was her next sentence that overwhelmed me
and left me speechless. I saw her face wearing a somewhat serious expression and
heard her say, " It would be a sin to capture and restrict a liberated and
wonderful spirit such as yours."
"Thank you,
Prioress." I muttered once I regained control over my voice. She cleaned the
soap from her body. Once she was done, she rose to her full height. She exposed
to me to her glorious form, which was accented by the candlelight and had small
droplets sliding down its length. She carefully exited the tub and dried
herself. I was too embarrassed to look at her and so I pretended to be busy with
cleaning myself up. I got out of the tub as well. A freezing draft invaded the
bath-chamber and brushed my body, causing it to tremble uncontrollably. My upper
set of teeth clang to the lower so tight I couldn’t even speak my distress. I
wrapped my arms around my body, modestly concealing my hardened nipples from the
Prioress’ eyes. The Prioress took my towel and enveloped my body, embracing my
shoulders. She rubbed my biceps with her hands, hard and fast, in order to
generate some heat.
"Thank you,
Prioress." I said. She stepped back away from me and reached for her habit.
After she was fully
dressed the heavy, golden cross, rested on her chest once again. She turned to
me and asked, " Will you be my friend, Sister Gabrielle?"
"I’d be honored,
Prioress." I tried my best to convince her of my sincerity.
"I appreciate
it." She smiled, quite in relief I believe.
She began strolling
towards the bath-chamber door and just before she vanished behind it, she turned
to me once more and said,
"You are welcome to
bathe with me tomorrow as well. I will enjoy your company, Sister Gabrielle."
"Thank you,
Prioress, I will." I couldn’t contain the wide grin that plastered across my
face. She nodded and bid me good night...in Latin.
I dressed as quickly
as possible, for I was very cold and wished to keep the time of exposure to a
minimum. I sneaked back into the Dormitorium and awaited slumber to take me.
I wonder what friendship with the Prioress would yield? It was the
last thought that had occupied my mind before I succumbed to slumber.
*********
1/12/1750
Tuesday
With great effort I
managed to get out of my bed when the convent’s bells announced the
morning’s arrival. Getting up at the crack of dawn was the hardest thing about
being a nun...yes, even harder than celibacy. At least it wasn’t as cold as it
was the previous day, quite the opposite. It was a shiny day outside. I
anticipated the moment we would all go outside and work in the vegetable garden.
I was in desperate need of some fresh air for the air inside the convent was
dusty and mossy. I also longed for the bright light of the sun beyond the
convent’s walls, which was dimly lit by candles alone. The scent of ancient
air, along with the poor and pale illumination of the convent, gave it a grim
and gloomy atmosphere that was difficult for me to get used to.
Finally the time
arrived. The back doors of the convent opened and all the nuns went outside to
work in the vivarium and the garden. To my amazement, the Prioress was among the
workers. In "Exelsis Dei," the Prioress never worked the garden with us
because physical labor such as this was beneath a nun of her stature. However,
in "Our lady of Sorrow" the Prioress worked hard like the rest of us. As a
matter of fact, it seemed to me like she was working harder than the rest of us.
She demonstrated immense strength in labor, which explained her ever so
beautiful muscular body.
I could barely wait
until darkness would envelope the sky. I longed for the intimate moments with
the Prioress. Throughout the day the Prioress didn’t pay me any special
attention. As a matter of fact she didn’t exchange so much as a single word
with me. She didn’t even ask me to say the "Benedicite" before the meals.
Thank God a nun’s day in the "Our lady of Sorrows" convent was so full and
hectic that the day passed fast enough.
After the last prayer
in the chapel, we all retired to the Dormitorium. I waited for about an hour and
then sneaked out of the large chamber.
The Prioress was
already waiting for me in the bath-chamber. By the looks of the steam I could
tell that the tub had already been filled with hot water. When she saw me, the
Prioress began to undress. I had reached the final partition. For some reason I
thought it would be more appropriate tonight if I turned my back to her while I
undress, and so I did. I rid myself of all my clothing in absolute silence. I
tried to take off the necklace with the cross, but I couldn’t get it. I found
myself struggling with it with nervous fingers for a few long moments.
"Would you like me
to help you with that?" The Prioress said and stood behind me. She stood close
enough for me to sense the heat radiating from her body. I felt her long,
evidently skillful fingers on the back of my neck, working the challenge my
necklace posed, and her warm breath on my hair. I felt a shiver rushing through
my naked body, which I couldn’t account for. Nevertheless, I was hoping it
would escape the Prioress, alas it didn’t.
"Are you cold?"
She asked with concern.
"No." I answered
stupidly enough. She finally
managed to open it and took it off me. She stepped back and entered the tub and
so did I, seating myself in front of her.
"How was your day,
my child?" she inquired.
"Long." I
chuckled and she smiled. She began soaping her muscular and feminine body.
"So, What have you
heard about me?" She suddenly asked. I was shocked.
"Wha...what are you
t...talking about, Prioress?" My
tongue grew heavy and tangled in my mouth.
I lowered my head so as not to disclose the fact that I knew, only too
well, what was she talking about.
"Have you been
told...all sorts of things about me?" She coaxed an eyebrow and examined my
face carefully.
"Is that why you
wanted me to be your friend...so that I would spy for you and report to you what
the nuns say about you behind your back?"
I didn’t know why really but I was very hurt by her. I didn’t really
know her. She wasn’t even truly my friend, yet in some strange way she had
this power over me.
"I don’t need you
as a friend in order to know what the nuns are saying behind my back, I already
know that. I was wondering whether
you’ve been exposed to it yet or not." She immediately defended herself and
seemed rather offended.
"They told me some
things." I finally said, fixing my gaze on her icy blue eyes.
"And what did
*they* say?" She asked. For a few moments I dared not say a word. I didn’t
know what to say.
"I was told you
were good and merciful, Prioress." I answered. I don’t know what made me
think I could avoid her question with that kind of answer.
"That’s not what
I meant and you know it." She smirked because she saw right through my
pathetic attempt to avoid her question, and so I giggled. Soon after that she
resumed her serious expression. I told her everything that sister Agnes said
about her losing her mother and brother. About her old ways, and about her
belief that God punished her for it. Hence, it was her decision to become a nun.
I felt great embarrassment and bashfulness as I was telling her about her "old
ways". I tried my best to find the most subtle words I could possibly find in
order to sublimate things. When I
finished I resumed eye contact with her.
"Do you think
it’s true?" She asked.
"I don’t know,
Prioress." I answered. At this point we both sat still in the tub, facing each
other. The conversation was too intense so we weren’t engaging in actual
bathing.
"Well, all of it is
true...Yes, even everything *they* told you about my "misconduct" - as you
so eloquently put it - with both men and women. All asides from my belief that
God punished me for it. I didn’t join the order for redemption or
salvation."
"Then why?"
"Emptiness" Was
the single word she uttered.
"Emptiness?" I
repeated.
"Exactly so, my
child." She said. "When my mother and brother were alive, I had love in my
life. I have never loved any of the people with whom I have been. None of them
seemed to deserve my life. Most of the people I have had were nobility. They
were conniving, petty and corrupted people. I never thought, for a moment, that
God was punishing me for my promiscuity. For I have met worse people than me,
yet I haven’t seen God bringing down his wrath on them. After my mother and
brother died, the love in my heart died and I have found the love of God and it
filled me."
"Who introduced you
to God?" I asked.
"A priest of one of
my lovers." She said shortly and dryly. After a moment of silence she asked,
"Have *they* told you anything else?"
"No,
honestly...Prioress." I retorted and hoped I sounded sincere enough.
"*They* have big
noses and even bigger mouths. Don’t they, Sister Gabrielle?
I know the informer is Sister Agnes." She sighed.
"She seemed almost
too eager to slander you, Prioress."
"I know, she is
upset that I was nominated to be this convent’s Prioress and she wasn’t,
even though she has been living here longer than me."
"So, how come you
got to be Prioress and she didn’t?" I inquired with a small voice. I thought
I was a little out of line...curiosity got the better of me.
"Let’s just say
that I have friends in high places. I was a loyal physician and lover, don’t
forget." She washed her long tresses, lifting her arms and delving her long
fingers into her raven hair. Her lifted arms made her breasts emerge to the
surface.
"What was your name
before you joined the order?" I asked, somewhat distracted.
"Xena." She said
and then continued. "My mother named me after a great warrior woman from
ancient Greece...she even sent me to study fencing." She chuckled. She lowered
her hands beneath the water line in order to wash the soap from them.
"It’s very
unusual and interesting."
"Interesting?
How so?"
"In those stories I
write...I tell of a warrior woman who fights for good." I smiled.
"You should tell me
about them sometime." She said softly and smiled back. Then she ducked under
the surface to wash the soap from her hair. When she reappeared I said:
"I’d be
delighted!" The Prioress began to
move towards me and then she settled herself to my right. A shiver ran
throughout my body as a result of her proximity. I didn’t understand why. She
sat very close to me yet our bodies weren’t touching.
"What was your name
before you became a nun?"
"I was always
Gabrielle. It resembles the Angel Gabriel, so they let me keep my name"
"And why have you
joined the order?"
I told the Prioress
of my parents and my birth. She looked very interested in the things I told her.
After I finished she said,
"I insist that we
call each other by our given names when we are in private." She also said she
can not have a friend calling her "Prioress."
I naturally agreed.
We finally exited the
bath. She handed me the towel, and dried herself as well. Then she sat on a
stool, after she was dressed, and began combing her long hair with long strokes
. I dried my body too and dressed, first my habit then my hood. At some point
she struggled with some tangle in her hair.
"Would you like me
to do that for you, Xena?" I offered with a faint voice, hoping that I
wasn’t crossing any boundaries that I shouldn’t cross.
"Please." She
sighed and handed me the comb. I went and stood behind her. She tilted her head
up towards me in order to make my task easier. I gently combed her hair, one
soft stroke succeeding another. The Prioress closed her eyes. We didn’t
exchange words between us. It was so quiet that I could hear my somewhat ragged
breathing.
"All done." I
suddenly announced.
"Thank you,
Gabrielle." She said and stood up, facing me, wearing her hood.
"I enjoyed our conversation a great deal. Can I count on you being here
tomorrow?"
"Wouldn’t miss it
for the world, Xena." I smiled.
"It’s settled
then. Good night Gabrielle"
"Good night,
Xena."
She left.
*********
4/12/1750
Friday
Waking up at first
light every morning is getting harder every day, because each night my bath-time
conversations with the Prioress are getting longer. I’m not complaining,
however. I enjoyed them
tremendously and I wouldn’t miss them for anything.
Not even a good nights sleep. As a matter of fact, I eagerly anticipated
them.
Last night I read to
her a story of mine. She thoroughly enjoyed it. She even suggested that maybe
the warrior woman in my stories should have a traveling companion, a Bard of
some sort. I thought it was a great idea and thanked the Prioress for it.
We talked about
religion and philosophy. She told me about her passion for music. She also told
me that she plays the organ. She plays the music that a good friend of hers
composes. She said that his music is the closest thing to God. She said he was a
Protestant, lived in Leipzig and had twenty children...a man by the name of
Bach. Conversing with her is fascinating. She
is a brilliant and highly intelligent woman.
Later on, I told her
about myself and she told me about her past. With each word she spoke, with each
syllable she uttered, she took another piece of my heart. When talking to her, I
felt like I was conversing with someone whom I have known for years. It felt
warm, familiar and safe...it felt like home.
At that point we had already finished bathing so she suggested we
continue our conversation in her bedchamber. I was surprised at how small it was
and how modest. It contained only a bed, a few candles and some books.
She went on telling
me about her past, her feelings, thoughts and sins. She told me that aside from
her countless lovers, she had had even greater transgressions - her pride and
vanity. She was a physician for the wrong reason, not for helping people, but
for the purposes of fame, possessions and station. I felt like I was her priest.
No, not a priest, for contrary to a priest, I didn’t offer her absolution, I
offered her comfort. She opened up to me like she never did with another soul.
She knew I wouldn’t judge her, but understand her and I did. We were so caught
up in the conversation that we didn’t notice it was already two hours before
dawn.
During the day I was
very sleepy and could barely keep my eyes open. All the other sisters didn’t
pay much attention to me and thought nothing of it. All but one, Sister Agnes.
She came to me during lunchtime and asked me if I was coming down with
something. I told her that I didn’t think so. She said to me that if I
didn’t feel well I should approach the Prioress in her study after lunch and
let her examine me, being that she is a skillful physician. I thought to myself
that that could be a great opportunity to spend some time alone with the
Prioress. I just couldn’t wait until the day was over.
When lunch was
finally over I walked to the Prioress’ study and knocked on the door.
"Enter." I heard
her invitation. As soon as she saw my head peeking into her study she smiled.
"Come in, Sister Gabrielle." Once I was inside she asked, "What can I do
for you, Gabrielle?" I was amazed at how quickly and efficiently she managed
to put on, and take off, the stoic, cold and detached mask of "the
Prioress".
"I’m not feeling
so well." I said and sat on the
chair before her large desk. She stood up and walked around the desk until she
reached me. She placed a soft palm against my forehead.
"I don’t sense
fever, where exactly does it hurt?" I
was afraid if I told her I was pretending to be ill in order to be with her
she’d be angry with me. That and hopefully she would allow me to retire to the
Dormitorium for a nap.
"It’s my
stomach." I placed my hand on my belly and put on the most agonized expression
I could muster.
"Come with me to
the second floor. The convent’s infirmary is there. I founded it myself."
She said, rather proudly I thought.
"Thank you,
Xena." I said with a strained
voice, demonstrating just how much in "pain" I was. She was leading me
upstairs supporting me as we were climbing the staircase.
She had one arm wrapped around my waist and the other securing mine on
her shoulder. As I detected her concern for me, which was evident on her face, I
felt awful about the whole charade. But at this point, it was too late to do
anything about it. We finally reached the infirmary. It was indeed a small
chamber. There was a small white desk and a chair. It also had a very high
examining bed with white curtain surrounding it for privacy. The prioress
assisted me in sitting down on the examining bed.
"Do you need help
with taking off your dress or would you rather do it yourself?" She gently
asked and went to take her stethoscope.
"I’ll manage."
I said. I took off my dress, exposing my naked form to her blue eyes. For some
reason I was unbelievably nervous. Maybe because I knew she would touch me.
I lay down, having
nothing on my body, save my hood and undergarments. Nevertheless, I never felt
more naked in my life. She put the stethoscope in her ears and placed its
metallic cold end on my chest.
"Breathe deeply,
Gabrielle." She ordered, and I did just that. After she finished, she took the
stethoscope out of her ears and placed it on the back of her neck. She then
gently placed her hands on my naked stomach, occasionally pressing it with her
fingertips in sporadic places. My skin burned beneath her touch...there was no
denying it anymore.
"Get dressed,"
She said. " I can’t find
anything wrong with you and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you are
playing hooky from your responsibilities."
"As a matter of
fact I am just so very tired that I was hoping that you would excuse me..." At
that point she cut through my speech and harshly said:
"If our gatherings
at night are so much of a burden, Gabrielle, that you can’t handle both it and
your responsibilities in the convent, then I won’t have you meeting me past
bed time anymore. You are a nun first and foremost and only somewhere down the
line you are my friend as well. Am I making myself clear?"
"Yes, Prioress."
I said, fighting back the tears that welled up in my eyes. I sat up on the
examining bed and put my habit back on.
"Further more,
young lady, you lied to me. You pretended to be ill and got me worried about
you. If there is one thing I hate, it’s people pretending and lying. If you
want to remain my friend then I suggest you never do that again!" I could see
disappointment and anger in her eyes.
"Yes, Prioress."
I bowed my head.
"Now go to the
Main-hall for studying, Gabrielle." She ordered and raised her index finger in
the direction of the door. I stood up and headed towards the door. Just before I
exited the room I turned to her and asked with a pleading voice:
"Can I come
tonight, Xena?" I hesitated a bit before pronouncing her name.
"Only if you are up
to it." She smiled and I saw the anger leaving her.
Needless to say by
the time darkness fell, I was most alert and went to have my visit with the
Prioress.
*********
5/1
Today, the Boys Choir
that is supposed to sing in the Sunday mass, arrived at our Convent shortly
after breakfast for rehearsal. The Prioress allowed me to be present in chapel
during it. She accompanied them with the organ. Indeed she played divinely and
they sang with angelic voices. She mastered both the huge instrument and the
music completely and perfectly. After the rehearsal was over, she urged me to
stay in the church a little longer. She wanted me to listen to her play Bach’s
Passacgalia. It didn’t take much convincing, for I wanted to stay. And when
she played that piece my eyes became moist and soon after, my cheeks were wet
with tears. She made me feel good. She touched my soul.
The boys of the choir
joined us nuns for lunch. They were very skinny and pale. When their food was
placed on the table before them they and devoured it as if they weren’t fed in
months. Sister Anne told me their church is very poor and that the boys
weren’t eating regularly. After lunch was over I took some of the boys with me
and sneaked them into the kitchen. I gave them some poached eggs, bread,
vegetables and honey to take with them.
Up to that point I
had no idea how correct Sister Agatha was about the Prioress. Nothing escaped
her eyes. After the boys left she summoned me to her study and gave me a piece
of her mind regarding the food I gave the boys. She said our convent was poor as
well and that our food is being measured carefully. She told me that the food I
gave them means no food for us. I tried to defend myself, saying they were just
young boys and that it tore at my heart witnessing their condition, but it was
no use. She said she knew I had a good heart and a merciful soul but I had to
learn to obey the rules. She said she’d have to punish me and so she did.
Later she assured me she wasn’t angry with me. She cupped my cheek with a warm
palm and smiled a beautiful smile at me.
Words cannot describe
how I longed for our meeting in the bath-chamber that night. My heart was
hurting from yearning and anticipation. The Prioress conquered me heart and
soul. I needed to see her that night like I needed air for breathing. Throughout
the day, I was daydreaming about Xena kissing my forehead, my cheeks and my
lips. I craved for her to touch me. It
possessed my thoughts. I cannot believe it. I know it’s a sin. I don’t know
if I’m strong enough to beat it. There is nothing I can do besides pray to the
Lord for help and guidance. She is the Prioress for heaven sakes. How can I even
conceive such abomination? The
Prioress and I kissing, it’s hopeless, for she wouldn’t touch me. This I
know, she is a holy woman, she is the Prioress and she is a *woman* so help me
God. After dinner I went to chapel. I knelt before the altar and prayed to God
for strength, for ability to fight temptations. I asked of God to eradicate the
evil, sinful and lustful thoughts and desires I had within me. After I was done,
I crossed myself, stood up and left. In my heart a new resolution formed - I
wouldn’t meet with the Prioress in private again, for it was tormenting my
soul. I have realized I am in love with her...in love. Am I going crazy?
What am I saying...
Darkness enveloped
the night. I was contemplating in my head whether I should go to the bath
chamber or stay in bed and try to get some sleep. I wished I were bound to the
bed so I wouldn’t have to choose. It was already three hours before midnight.
Usually, at this time I was already taking my clothes off and joining Xena in
the tub. But here I was, just lying in my bed, listening to Sister Agnes’
snoring and fighting images of Xena’s naked body on top of mine. I tried to
fixate my gaze upon the cross on the wall, thinking salvation will come from
him. Alas, Xena’s naked form is
more attractive than his. Indeed it felt as if all hell broke loose and my soul
was in the storm’s eyes. I never thought I would be tortured like this by my
flesh. I began mouthing with no sound a "Hail Mary." I thought the chanting
would take my mind off Xena. Pretty
soon "Hail Mary" became "Hail Xena." The battle was wearing out my soul.
I tried to smite the Devil from within me. I was exhausted yet I was restless.
No doubt - righteousness is tiring to the soul. I knew it was cold outside and
yet sweat began to bead on my forehead. Slumber
was out of my grasp tonight. Another hour passed and I was wondering whether she
was still taking her bath, or if she finished already. Was she aware of my
absence? Did she miss me?
The Dormitorium’s
door was opened and the Prioress entered. I immediately closed my eyes and
calmed my breathing so that she would think I was asleep. I was wondering
whether she would wake me or not, whether she would touch me in order to do so.
Obviously, I was ecstatic that she came for me after all. I sensed her
approaching my bed, kneeling next to it and hovering above me.
"Enough with your
games, Gabrielle, I know you’re awake. You have fresh sweat on your forehead
on such a cold night...What have you been up to?" She whispered in my ear so
as not to wake up the other nuns. I opened one eye, followed by the other. She
rose to her feet. She signaled me to be quiet by planting her index finger on
her lips, then she motioned me with her hand to come with her. She walked in
front of me with soundless steps and I obediently followed her.
Once we were out and
away from the Dormitorium, she turned to face me.
"Why didn’t you
come? I’ve been waiting for you
for over an hour!" She hissed.
"I’m sorry, Xena.
I guess I forgot." I mumbled, filled with guilt.
"No you didn’t.
What’s the matter, are you angry with me for punishing you?
You know I had no choice. What
would the other nuns think? I
won’t have them thinking that you are receiving special treatment from me."
"It’s not
that."
"Then what is it,
for crying out loud?"
"Let's just leave
it be, Xena."
"As you wish,
Gabrielle." She finally gave up. What else could I have done, tell her I was
completely, insanely and hopelessly in love with her?
We bathed in silence.
I was occupied with my thoughts and she - with hers. There was an unexplainable
awkwardness that neither one of us succeeded in shaking off or understanding its
origin. When we finished bathing she broke the silence.
"Come with me, I
have something I have been wanting to show you for quite some time." We were
both fully dressed. She led me to a back, side door on the second floor. She
drew out a key from above the door. She opened it, saying she is the only one
who passes through that door. Then we began climbing up an endless staircase
that left me breathless and my muscles aching. Soon after I maintained normal
breathing rhythm, I noticed where we were. We were standing in the bell tower.
Only the full moon illuminated it and to its right I examined the pair of old
large metallic bells. They had some cracks here and there but I loved the sound
they made. The heavy bells were so dirty that they did not return the moon’s
light. I averted my look to the opposite direction of the bells and I saw a huge
arched window that began almost from the floor and ended close to the top of the
tower. It was so high that I got a little dizzy. The Prioress caught me just in
time before I fell to my knees. She grabbed me by my arm and chuckled.
"Isn’t it
beautiful?" She looked at the
horizon line and inhaled lungs full of fresh and chilly night air. The wind was
stroking her damp hair.
"It’s amazing."
I gasped.
"This is where I
take refuge. This is the place I come to in order to think. This is where I
spend my summer nights. I come here to sleep." She moved her hand to a niche
in the wall and a small hidden door to a cabin opened. She took out two big
thick blankets from behind it and spread them on the cold stony floor. She sat
down on one of the blankets and invited me to join her. I sat down next to her.
"What’s going on
with you lately? You seem so
distracted." She said in a motherly tone and innocently placed her hand on my
thigh. I could feel the fire raging in my body. Fruitlessly, I failed to control
the sinful fire of hell. It took me a few moments to acknowledge the fact that
the Prioress was still waiting for an answer.
"I don’t wish to
lie to you Xena, you are my best and only friend, but I can not tell you the
truth either. " I was looking out the arced window, watching Baden wearing its
black cloak.
"Gabrielle, I was
hoping that you would trust me by now. I am here for you, both as your Prioress
and your friend. You can feel free to tell me anything that’s in your heart
and I’ll do my up- most to help you"
"You can’t help
me...no one can." I said with
such conviction.
"Have you committed
a sin of the flesh?" She delicately asked.
"No," I said in
haste. "I haven’t *done* anything, yet."
I said more calmly and played with my fingers, evading her crystal blue
eyes. Nevertheless, I could feel her eyes upon me. I felt ashamed.
"Maybe I can be of
some help after all. Sometimes
talking about what’s troubling your soul can be a relief."
"I seriously doubt
that." I said in disbelief.
"Maybe I should wait until tomorrow’s confession."
I suggested.
"I’d rather you
didn’t. That is to say, I want you to see me as your confidant just as I see
one in you." She seemed almost
appalled by the idea of me going to confession.
"You have to
promise me you won’t think any less of me."
"Gabrielle, you
know it’s not possible. You have the purest heart I have ever..."
"Promise me."
I insisted more firmly.
"I promise."
She finally surrendered. I took a deep breath.
"It’s about
you." I began.
I felt a wave of heat wash over my face. The cold night air failed to
chill me. I still wasn’t looking
at her.
"What about me?"
She sounded surprised. Since she wasn’t getting any response from me
she held my chin between her index finger and thumb and tilted my head up
forcing me to look at her. I began to regret I hadn’t lied to her.
"I think I’m in
love with you." I heard myself
say. I closed my eyes, for I feared her reaction. I was afraid she would be
disgusted, accusing, and appalled. I couldn’t bear to see any of those things
in her eyes.
"Dear child, you
are confused, that’s all. You are a nun who never tasted sexual pleasures in
her life, but you are also a young woman with needs and desires. It’s only
natural that you have these...thoughts. You picked me of all people simply
because we bathe together every night and not because it’s me you really want.
I was just there so it was easy for you to..."
Rudely I cut her off.
"Don’t do this!" I
said angrily, almost yelling at her. "Don’t
cheapen my feelings for you this way. Although not as mature and experienced in
such matters as you, I know the difference between love and lust and I know I
love you."
"My child, you’ve
only known me for barely six days. How can you possibly..." She cupped my
cheek but I pulled back, ripping my face from her touch I won’t let her
weaken me this way I thought. At that point I could see something inside her
shatter and crumble.
"Gabrielle. My name
is Gabrielle. Stop calling me "my child", Xena."
My fists were tight and my knuckles whitened.
"I don’t think
you know what you’re saying." She tried
"I know what I’m
saying, but I don’t know why am I saying it."
I sighed. "I know we’ve
only known each other for six days but I feel like I have known you my entire
life. You have this balance between darkness and lightness, between your past
and present, between who you were and who you are.
You know so much and I love listening to you. During those six days
you’ve allowed me into your soul with everything you said and did. I have seen
your soul. You impress me, Xena...and God help me, I want you."
I was at the brink of tears and I felt excruciating pain in my chest like
my heart was about to explode.
"There is nothing I
can do for you, Gabrielle, nothing at all. You must understand I am the
Prioress...we both are nuns...as much as I would...we just can’t..." She
fought with the words as another wave of chilling air brushed my face. This time
it wasn’t the wind, it was my life being sucked out of my body. I knew she was
right. We can’t be lovers because of our beliefs and because of God.
It would be against our oath and it would be an abomination in God’s
eyes.
I hoisted myself from
the ground, accompanied by her agonized gaze. I turned to leave.
"I shall bother you
no more, Prioress." I said and
lowered my head. I knew she
understood what I was saying.
"Don’t you dare
‘Prioress’ me, Gabrielle!" I heard her yell from behind me. She grabbed my
arm and turned me around with one powerful and swift motion. Once I was facing
her she wrapped her other arm around my waist and pressed my body hard into
hers. She glanced at my lips for a brief moment and then she pierced my eyes
with hers.
"I love you too,
Gabrielle." She sighed painfully. She leaned down towards my lips and claimed
them with her own. It was a furious and passionate kiss that left me breathless
and hungry. Her lips and tongue demanded and I gave them what they were seeking
- entrance. She tasted sweetly like stolen water. My heart overflowed with love
and desire for her and I sent my hand behind her head and rid her of her hood.
Then I delved my fingers into her damp black tresses and lowered her down harder
onto me, increasing the pressure she placed on my lips. She kissed wonderfully,
her tongue was stroking mine. Her
warm sensuous lips were caressing and nibbling, first my lower lip then my upper
one. Never in my life have I felt so elated. When she felt my distress for lack
of air she broke the kiss and descended down to my neck.
Licking her trail, gently yet passionately biting my flesh. Sending shivers through my spine, sending my body ablaze with
fire.
"It’s madness,
we’ve got to stop." I breathed
heavily. I clenched a fist full of her raven hair and pushed her head even
farther into me, burying her face into my neck.
"We’ll stop in a
moment." She gasped and pulled down my hood.
I felt the fingers of both of her hands running through my short blond
hair. A few moments passed and we were still standing, kissing and sucking each
other’s exposed flesh.
"Xena...it’s a
sin." A sharp intake of air made the words come out muffled from my mouth.
"I know...just...a
little longer." She moaned aloud in between kisses. I felt her hands
skillfully stripping me of my dress. In almost no time at all only my
undergarments were left on my body. I
was burning up. I needed her badly.
I felt throbbing and warm slippery wetness between my thighs. Standing up
became a burden for my shaking legs. I wanted to lie down. She read my body and
supported me as she lay me down on the blankets. Once I was lying on them I
looked at her. She slowly stripped me from my undergarments. Once I was totally
exposed to her, she stood back up on her feet and hovered above me.
"Damn you
Gabrielle, you are so beautiful...You make me want you so much...help me stop
it!" She wailed in anguish and I knew that her need for me and her faith in
the Lord were tearing her to pieces.
"Xena, it’s
impossible for me to fight it. It’s stronger than I am." The absence of her
touch made me insane.
"We have to,
Gabrielle."
"I know...I
know...we shouldn’t be doing this." My body was flushed and its heat peaked.
She was still standing near my feet as I was lying down. She examined my
naked body with her eyes. I was guided by desire, not by experience, as I began
swaying my body for her, like a snake. I was seductively moving my hips,
spreading my legs as wide as they allowed, showing her glazed eyes my forbidden
fruit. Exposing the fruit of the Garden of Eden, inviting her to take a bite and
taste it. My green eyes never left her blue ones. I knew she lusted for me. I
could see it in her hooded and desirous eyes.
I was guided by love, not by shame.
"I just want to
know the feel of your naked body against mine...then we’ll stop."
She said.
"Yes, then we’ll
stop." I knew once our bodies
met, we wouldn’t be able to stop. We wouldn’t be able to separate, not till
we each found release. I knew she knew it as well. She slowly took off her dress
and cross. Then she peeled her body from its undergarments. Behold, her
magnificent and glorious body was revealed before my eyes. I saw her descending
towards the ground. As she got closer to me I felt shy and bashful and so I
closed my legs. She knelt on the ground at my feet.
"I love you more
than life, Gabrielle, You are my angel."
She said with a tormented voice. Tears began to stream down her face and
upon her bosom.
"I love you, Xena,
with all my heart and soul." I
tried to comfort her but all I could muster was a poor excuse for a smile. I
knew that for what we were about to do, making love to each other, we were
dooming our souls to hell. But I loved her and with that love came the
inevitable want. I needed her like I needed air. I began a silent prayer in my
heart for God to forgive us Dominus,
miserere nobis (God have mercy
on us). Small kisses that she rained on my feet and toes pulled me from my
thoughts and prayer. Xena made me forget God.
She was my goddess.
"There is another
Protestant composer named Ditrich Buxtehude, he lived in Lubek. Have you heard
of him, Gabrielle?" She asked me
as she continued to kiss my feet, licking between my toes and slowly sucking
them. I was so aroused that her asking me about some composer during our
lovemaking didn’t even strike me as strange at the time. I just nodded, while
praying to God to make her kiss me a little northward on my body, where I needed
her the most.
"He composed a
piece that’s called "Membra Jesu Nostri" (To Jesus’ body) which is
basically a cycle of seven cantatas. Each cantata is an homage to a different
part of Jesus’ body." Now she
raised her head from my feet and looked at me. "The first one is
"Ad pedes" (Upon the
feet). She began to sing with that amazing angelic alto voice of hers:
"Cirumplector cum
affectu" (I embrace with deep emotion)
"Tuo pavens in aspectu" (Fearful of thy glance)
Then she lowered her
head again and resumed her gentle ministrations to my feet, not neglecting any
toe. She then kissed her way up my legs.
"The second cantata
is "Ad genua" (Upon the knees)." She
lovingly licked my knees. In between kisses and licks she went on singing to me:
"Quid rependam
amatori" (How may I repay the lover)
"Oui elegit prome mori" (Who chose to die for me)
"Ne dupla morte morerer" (Lest I die a double death)
My solicitude for her
rose to a fever pitch. As she kissed and loved me, I felt as if I was flying in
heaven amongst angels. Surrounded by warmth, light and divine bliss. I felt as if I
was floating on their soft wings. There was nothing on this damned earth that
equaled such sensations. The desire in my heart and between my legs went higher.
"The third is:
"Ad manus" (Upon the hands)" She said. She moved to kneel at my side.
Then, she began her soft assault on my left hand, occasionally hovering over my
body with her torso in order to attend to my right hand, mindlessly grazing her
warm breasts on my stomach. She sang:
"Et gemendo
condelector" (With groans take delight in ye)
"Dans lacrimas cum osculis" (Mingling tears with my kisses)
As she was kissing
and ravishing my body, I felt her boiling tears dripping on my hands. I knew her
torment was tearing up her soul and soon tears were streaming down my face as
well. My heart was aching with blasted love, forbidden love, but there was
nothing I could do. With a hoarse and cracked voice she went on:
"The forth one is:
"Ad latus" (Upon the side)". She positioned her knees on the ground
between my legs. Then, she began to ravish my waist, raining tender kisses,
occasionally sucking and biting my flesh. Her lips were leaving trails of fire
on my body. I desired her like I’d never desired anything in my life before.
Her loving me was worth an eternity in hell. Not even God is powerful enough to
extinct the love and passion I feel for my Xena. Her sorrow was my sorrow and I
knew she needed my encouragement. I gave it to her by placing my hand on her
head, pressing her harder against me. Throughout her worshiping me, my eyes
never left her. I wasn’t tempted to close them not even when she sucked my
waist so hard that she drew blood.
"Salve latus
salvatoris" (Hail, side of the Savior)
"In quo latet mel dulcoris" (In which lies hidden the honey of sweetness)
"In quo patet vis amoris" (In which lies open the power of love)
"Ex quo scatet fons cruoris" (From which gushes the fount of blood)
"Qui corda lavat sordida" (Wherewith filthy hearts are washed)
With a husky and
tortured voice she went on:
"The fifth cantata
is: "Ad pectus" (Upon the breast)"
Ad
pectus...finally she will feast on my breasts that long her loving dainty mouth I thought to myself. I first felt her body fully lay on top of mine, then
her flaming breath on my nipples, which hardened immediately. She swirled her
tongue around my swollen aureole before claiming my nipple. Then she licked her
fingers and clasped my other nipple, giving it the same ministrations. She
suckled my breasts like a famished infant, occasionally biting the nipples,
gently, without breaking the skin. Waves of arousal went through my body, from
my breasts straight to my loins.
"Salve, pectus
reverendum" (Hail, O breast we must revere)
"Cum tremore contingendum" (to be touched with trembling)
"Amoris domicilium" (As the dwelling place of love)
As she sang I moaned
loudly. My ardent desire between my thighs began to drench the blankets beneath
me. I needed release and prayed to God that my Xena would satisfy my
unquenchable craving that nested inside me.
"The sixth cantata
is: "Ad cor" (Upon the heart) she howled.
My body was swaying
beneath her. I needed to feel as much of her as possible. Her fire and love were
consuming me. She abandoned my breasts and went beneath them, placing her ear
against my body and listening to the beating of my heart.
"It beats for you,
my love." I cried in between my panting.
"Oh...Gabrielle."
She groaned, her face stained with tears. Hearing her uttering my name with such
devotion made my body tremble. I smiled in order to ease her suffering, but it
only made her cry more loudly this time. I gathered her in my arms, squeezing
her shaky body to me. I was grateful to her being such a gentle lover. She took
her time with me. She didn’t rush things. She took the time to bring pleasure
to every part of my body. I knew she was trying desperately to control herself.
I knew it wasn’t easy for her. Everything she did, she did with passion.
I could see her fire when she prayed, when she lectured us...even when
she worked at the garden. I’ve noticed her fire. I could tell she was holding
back. She desired to take me hard and fast but she didn’t. She restrained
herself for me. But I was beyond ready for her at that point.
"Love me Xena,
please...it’s what I want." I begged.
"Vulnerasti cor
meum, soror mea, sousa" (Thou hast wounded my heart, my sister, my spouse)
She fought her crying
so that she could continue to sing her love to me. Her voice enveloped and
pampered me.
"Ad faciem" (Upon
the face) is the last cantata." She
said. By now her whole body covered me. The feel of her weight on my body and
her soft breasts against mine excited me to no end. Her luscious lips caressed
my eyelids, my wet cheeks, my nose and my chin leaving no place untouched, save
my lips. She was saving the best for last.
"O amator
amplectende" (Lover whose embrace I long for)
"Temet ipsum tunc ostende" (Show me then thy very self)
And with these last
words of singing she descended southward to the core of my desire. She stroked
the length of my center, flicking her expert tongue on my labia. She drank the
essence of my desire. Finally she reached the exact place where I needed her
most. Xena licked and sucked my swollen nub of passion furiously, taking me to
heights I never dreamed existed. The more she devoured my engorged nub the
higher she took me. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, but all I could
do was moan. For a minute, I thought that any moment now I would touch God.
Before she entered me, knowing I was a virgin, she sent a finger to my opening
and checked to see if I was ready for her. And I was beyond ready for her, all
wet and wide to accept her into me, deep inside. After she touched my opening,
she plunged two long and skillful fingers inside my soaked and slippery sanctum.
At that point all thoughts of God, of heaven and hell were completely erased
from my mind. Only the goddess, whose face was buried in my forbidden fruit,
existed. She built a steady rhythm with her tongue and fingers, a primal pace of
lovemaking.
I felt the waves of
release approaching, on the verge of claiming me. I involuntary arched my back,
pushing Xena’s head farther into my throbbing swollen core. I was afraid of
succumbing to the climax. I tried to hold back. Xena felt it and said to me with
the softest of voice,
"Don’t fight
it...let go...please...come."
I came hard, my
entire body shaking and quivering.
"XENA!"
I shouted her name as climax crashed into me. She rode the waves with me,
continuing her assault, bringing upon me the bliss of yet another climax and
another and another.
"I can’t take
anymore." I cried. Only then did
she stop. She licked my core clean from the great quantity of wetness that
poured from it. She climbed back up to me, while sporadically leaving warm
loving kisses along the way. My skin was flushed, wet and sensitive and while
she placed those kisses, it convulsed. Our lips met again. I could taste myself
upon her lips and on her tongue.
A new desire arose in
me. The desire to please her, to love her passionately, to worship her body as
she did mine. I embraced her and rolled with her on the blankets. Now she was on
her back.
"Tell me I’m what
you need." I begged.
"Gabrielle..."
She moaned. "I need you to love me."
All of a sudden a
tremendous fear attacked my heart and I blushed.
"I’ve never done
this before...I’m not sure how." I
stammered.
"Do what you
please, my love, just touch me...I’ll be pleased with anything you’ll give
me." She smiled to assure me. And
with that I took her lips with mine. The kiss started as a gentle one, but soon
became deep and passionate. I could sense her hunger for me. My lips left hers
and went to her throat, kneading her flesh, caressing her soft skin. I planted
kisses on her collarbone as my hand went lower to her womanhood. By the wetness
I found there, I knew I was pleasing her tremendously. I gathered some of her
juices and smeared it on her swollen nub. I gently stroked her erection. I
tarried for a while. I didn’t want to release her so soon. My hungry mouth
found her breasts. I suckled her nipples to hardness. At that point I couldn’t
decide whether I loved her singing more or her passionate moaning and groaning.
"Gabrielle." She
purred my name repeatedly. I let my hands cup her breasts, replacing my mouth.
My mouth descended to her well-toned abdomen. While I treated her belly, her
sexual aroma tickled my nostrils like incense.
I couldn’t resist it any more and delved my tongue into her sexual
core, frantically baptizing my tongue with her wetness, tasting the forbidden
fruit of heaven. She did have the taste of heaven. While I was licking her
hardened nub, I penetrated her with my fingers, pumping her in and out. I felt
her slick inner muscles clench and unclench around my fingers. I venerated her
sex with everything I had. I felt her body stiffen and I knew Xena was done for.
Upon her powerful climax she screamed:
"JESUS CHRIST....
GABRIELLE!"
I kept on licking her
center till the convulsions subsided. I lay beside her, my head on her shoulder.
"Didn’t you tell
me you just wouldn’t tolerate blasphemy?"
I smirked. She laughed at my comment.
"I knew it would
happen....there goes your respect and subordination..." We were both laughing
now. A few more silent moments had past during which I lazily drew circles on
Xena’s sweaty abdomen with my fingers.
"What happens
now?" I asked with a small voice, terrified of what she was going to say.
"Regarding what?"
She asked.
"Regarding us." I
retorted with a smaller voice than before.
"I thought you
would know by now...after everything that happened between us tonight." She
sounded offended and hurt. She misunderstood me.
"We are lovers, my
Xena." I concluded and smiled. In
return, she embraced me tight to her body. She covered both our bodies with a
blanket, making sure my back was well and fully covered. She placed a gentle
kiss on my forehead.
"I wish we could
sleep in each others arms and wake up together in the morning." I sighed. She
didn’t respond to my comment. There was no point in responding, really. There
was nothing either of us could do about it. One cannot make things happen just
by wishing.
"I want to hold you
for just a few more minutes, then I’ll take you back to the Dormitorium."
She said dryly but I knew she was concealing the grief that our separation
tonight would yield.
********
She escorted me to
the Dormitorium and conveyed her sorrow for not being able to wake up with me in
her arms. I smiled. I stood on the tip of my toes, threw my arms behind her neck
and claimed her crimson lips with mine. When we separated she whispered in my
ear:
"Will you come to
me tomorrow?"
"Yes, my love." I
assured her. I entered the Dormitorium and she retired to her own chamber. Once
inside I lay on my bed and awaited blissful sleep.
But it didn’t come. Instead, awful thoughts about what the Prioress and
I did tonight haunted me. I was ashamed of myself for having such a weak and
wretched body that failed to resist temptation, a body that failed God’s test.
I wanted my body to be punished for being so lustful. I knew the Prioress, being
the saintly woman that she was wouldn’t expect any less from me. I knew she
would be proud of what I was about to do. I pulled up my habit, exposing my back
and then rubbed it hard against the stony wall and the cross that was hanging
there. That treatment covered my back with scratches and blood dribbled from it.
It hurt and burned but I didn’t make a sound so as not to wake the other nuns.
After I was done, after the pain became unbearable, I stopped. I rolled down my
habit, covering my wounded back, and laid back down. At one point I fell asleep.
I guess I was more tired than aching.
*********
6/12/1750
Sunday
The Mass was
beautiful. The Prioress accompanied the boys’ choir singing perfectly and it
sounded as if angels were singing. It lifted my spirit. Well that, and the
memory of the Prioress ravishing me from last night. A Franciscan Priest, by the
name of Father Johann conducted the Mass, he was an elderly man. When it was
time for communion all the nuns stood in one long line and waited their turn to
get the sacrament of Christ from Father Johann. When my turn arrived I strode
towards the priest and he placed the communion in my mouth and smiled at me.
From the corner of my eye I noticed the Prioress watching me carefully. My heart
skipped a beat. She’s probably reminiscing about last night and wants to
have me again. I thought to myself and just barely managed contain a
giggle.
The Mass was finally
over and confession time in the Confession booth had arrived. I looked around
for the Prioress, hoping I would find her and we could sneak out of the chapel
and into her bedchamber and make love again. Alas I didn’t find her.
Before entering the
booth, the priest approached me and said that since I was the newest nun in the
convent I should be the last one to enter the booth. I bowed my head and went to
sit on the one of the chapel’s benches and waited my turn for confession. I
have decided I would not tell him about the Prioress and me. Not because I was
ashamed of our love, and not because I didn’t want absolution. I didn’t want
the priest to report to his superiors about the Prioress - something that might
cost her, her position. I thought it is best to keep it to myself.
Minutes passed by and
my turn to enter the confession booth arrived. Just before I entered I noticed
that all my sisters had left the chapel and went to the dining hall. I was
touring with my eyes for my beloved Prioress in vain. I sat on the stool inside
the booth. The priest opened the small partition revealing a wooden net that
divested my ability to see his face clearly.
"Bless me father
for I have sinned."
He asked me when my
last confession was and I answered truthfully. I told him about the incident
with giving the boys from the choir some food, which was a direct violation with
the Prioress’ orders. I knew that was a bad thing to do, but the priest
sounded shocked and upset when I told him what I had done. He ordered me to get
inside his section in the confession booth and kneel before him. I thought it
was strange but I did as he asked for I didn’t want to make the Prioress angry
with me for disobeying the priest. I saw him rolling up his robe. I didn’t
understand what he was doing. I was just kneeling in front of him.
"What is your name,
my child?" He asked and I could hear his breath quickening.
"Sister Gabrielle,
father." I answered.
"Nuns are God’s
brides, my child." He exposed his sex member to my widened astonished eyes.
"We priests are
God’s messengers." He began rubbing his organ with his hands, making it
bigger, thicker and harder. Sweat began beading on his forehead.
"You need to serve
God as a wife serves her husband, my child, this is an important duty." I was
shocked and scared. Though I am a naive nun, it was clear to me what the priest
wanted.
"Open your mouth,
my child, insert my manhood into your mouth and serve God through his
messenger." I was paralyzed. This is God’s punishment for my making love
with the Prioress. This is God’s wrath showered upon me for seducing the
Prioress. I know that if I hadn’t confessed my love for her, she would never
have taken me. God is reclaiming his possession of me as his bride I
thought. I looked at him. The priest didn’t show any mercy. He smiled a dirty
smile and drooled. He was holding his erection in one hand and with his other
hand he pushed my head towards his organ
"Open up, my child,
open wide. Be good and worship God. Blow the pipe, my child, this is your
salvation." I saw his erection closing the gap between itself and my mouth.
Silent tears were streaming down my eyes and I felt I didn’t have the right to
pray to God for help.
I didn’t even hear
the door of the confession booth open behind me. I tilted my head, looked up and
saw the Prioress standing behind me. I saw rage in her eyes like I have never
seen before. The priest was startled and frantically pushed down his robe,
covering his nudity.
"You miserable
pig." She hissed. She took the large pendent cross that she wore around her
neck and pulled its lower stick and a sharp blade was drawn. She ripped her
necklace from around her neck and with one powerful swift motion she slit the
priest’s throat. Blood burst out of the priest’s arteries. He tried to cover
his throat with his hands in hopes of stopping the raging river of blood pouring
out of it, but he failed. I was stunned. I lost control over my body. It
violently shook and it refused to stand upon its feet.
"Get out of here,
Gabrielle!" The Prioress shouted. Without even thinking I stood up and ran out
of the confession booth as if the Devil was on my trail. I ran to the safest
place I knew - the bell tower. I was too excited to think any rational thoughts.
Yet there was no escaping the truth. The Prioress murdered the priest. She
killed him because he was about to molest me. She protected me from him. I
wanted her to come up here and hold me. I wanted to hold her. I wanted her to
explain things because understanding this madness was beyond a young nun like
me.
I waited for her
arrival for quite some time. I was afraid. I was afraid she would be caught. I
was afraid she would be taken away from me. I prayed to the Mother of God that
she would keep my Xena safe from harm and that she would bring her to me as
quickly as possible. I wanted my Xena to be with me. I needed her to tell me she
was fine.
I looked outside
noticing it was late afternoon. I saw the Prioress dragging a huge heavy sack
outside the convent and headed towards the garden. I saw her reaching a certain
spot. She let go of the sack and opened it. She took out a shovel from the sack
and began digging a hole in the ground. I knew there was something else in the
sack. It looked way to heavy to contain a shovel alone. The reason for her
digging a hole in the ground slowly sunk in. She went on digging deeper and
deeper, till it was so deep that I lost the sight of her. Then I saw her hands
sticking out of the hole and placing the shovel next to the rim. She got out,
all dirty and sweaty. She dragged the sack and threw it down the pit. I could
hear the thump it made at the point of impact. Once on the bottom of the pit,
the Prioress covered the grave with dirt until it was covered neatly. She
restored the earth back to its place so it didn’t look suspicious, so it
didn’t look as if a person was just buried there. The Prioress wiped the sweat
that beaded on her forehead and tilted her head up to the bell tower. She saw me
standing there. We looked at each other for several short moments. She didn’t
wave to me, or signal to me in any way. She just stood there and looked at me.
At some point she turned and went back into the convent.
By the time she
returned, it was already evening. The sisters waited for her in chapel. The
Prioress went first to the Bath-chamber in order to clean up the mess that
Father Johann’s murder left on her. She attended the chapel and afterwards the
dining hall as was required of her, and when asked, said I was ill and resting
in the infirmary.
After bedtime, when
it was quiet again in the convent and the sisters were sleeping soundly in the
Dormitorium, the Prioress went up to the bell tower. As she entered, I ran to
her and hugged her tight in my arms. All the stress and horror that this day
bore with it came crashing down on me and I wept like a little child in her
protective arms. She soothed me. She removed my hood and was tenderly stroking
my hair.
"Are you alright,
sweetheart?" She gently asked.
"I’m fine." I
assured her "Are you?"
"I’m fine too."
We embraced for a
little while longer. Eventually, she set down on the blankets, pulling me down
with her. She cradled me in her strong and loving arms as if I was a small
child.
"You do realize
there was nothing else I could have done." She began. She wasn’t looking at
me.
"Couldn’t you
take me out of there and once I was safe, file a complaint with his
superiors?" I asked with an even tone. I did trust her, but I also knew her.
She was a passionate woman. I suspected she used violence as a first resort.
"You are so naive,
Gabrielle. You simply haven’t the slightest idea about how things work in this
world. A lot of his superiors were priests too at one point. Some of them
attended convents and some of those raped some of the nuns in those convents.
Filing a complaint is useless. All his superiors would have done was make sure I
wouldn’t breathe a word about those things to another living soul." She
explained. "There was a Prioress I knew who complained about a priest who was
touching her nuns...she was put in an asylum...I haven’t heard a word from her
since." She smiled as if to ease and lighten up the horrible truth she was
revealing. She started gently rocking me.
"Still...killing
him for..." I began. She didn’t let me finish and snapped at me, ceasing
rocking me.
"He had been raping
my nuns for years now!" She was almost yelling, when she realized her anger
was misplaced she continued with a softer voice while resuming the rocking.
"He especially liked the young ones. I knew about it for a long time. A few
years back I had noticed some of my nuns’ behavior had changed. They became
lifeless. There was no light or joy in their eyes. I had reckoned it had gotten
worse after confession. I had being hiding during confessions very close to the
booth. My worst fears were confirmed beyond a shadow of a doubt. I urged my nuns
to come forward and speak to me. A few of his victims came and talked to me
about it eventually. Knowing how things work in the order I kept silent and did
nothing about it. I tried my best to ease my nuns suffering and whenever I saw
the priest grow too fond one particular nun, I would excuse her from mass on
Sunday under the false pretense she was ill. Being a physician, he never
questioned my discretion."
"There was nothing
you could have done."
"That’s where
you’re wrong, Gabrielle. I should have gutted that stinking twisted pig years
ago." She hissed. I got out of her cradling arms and sat opposite her.
"Then why didn’t
you?"
"I was in the
belief...As a matter of fact I still believe so...That life and death should be
only in the hands of God and not man." She replied. She sent one hesitating
finger and moved a stray lock of hair from my eyes.
"So what made you
kill him today?" I asked. I don’t know why, but I suspected what the answer
would be.
"Because of
you...When I saw the way he placed communion in your mouth and the look he had
on his face...I knew he was coming after you... I just couldn’t allow him to
touch you and taint you. I love you and I could not let you get hurt like that.
You are so pure, so good and joyful Gabrielle, I couldn’t let him take away
your light. Besides, you are mine. I wouldn’t allow anyone to touch you the
way that is reserved only for me."
"Thank you,
Xena." I whispered. "Are you alright, Xena?
After all you killed a priest..."
"I’m fine."
"...Not such a
saint as you’ve been told, eh?" She sounded so bitter. "I killed him
because I was selfish. I didn’t kill him sooner because I hadn’t been as
motivated then as I was today." There was nothing I could have said that would
have taken those feelings of guilt from her.
"Lets make a
pact...Never to bring this subject up again...let’s put it behind us...you
buried him deep." I said thinking
it would take away her pain.
"People will come
looking for him." She said matter of fact.
"They won’t find
him...We’ll tell them he left after confession and that was the last we saw
him." I suggested.
"Very well." She
concluded "God forbid I ever bring that subject up again."
We kept on sitting in
the bell tower. I waited for her to kiss me and take me, but she didn’t do
anything. When it had gotten a little late she stood up. She offered me her hand
and I grabbed it. She hoisted me to my feet and asked me:
"Would you like me
to escort you back to the Dormitorium, love?" I looked at her with
disappointed green eyes and said bashfully:
"Don’t you want
to take me tonight, Xena?" I thought to myself that maybe because the priest
laid his hands on me she considered me damaged goods and didn’t see me worthy
of being her lover any more.
"You have no idea
how much I want you, Gabrielle. I was afraid that after you were traumatized by
that pig, you wouldn’t want to be touched this way."
"I need you to
touch me that way, especially tonight. I want you to cleanse my body from the
filth he left on me...please Xena...don’t make me beg..." I barely
recognized my voice. It was so low, husky and heavy with desire. My nipples had
grown so sensitive I could feel the fabric of my dress against them. I didn’t
wait for her to rid me of my nun’s clothing. Tonight, I did it myself and in
haste. With two quick steps I closed the gap between our two yearning bodies. I
assaulted her, planting my right hand behind her head and my left arm wrapped
around her strong shoulders. I pressed my lips hard against hers. I sucked her
lips as hard as I could...I wanted to swallow her. The fact that she wasn’t a
part of my body, a flesh of my flesh, frustrated me. I pierced her lips with a
thick hard tongue and penetrated the wet cavern of her mouth. Once our tongues
touched the battle for control and maximum contact began. When we came up for
air, I ordered her to take off her clothes as well. She neither argued nor gave
me a comment to put me in place...she obeyed like a loyal disciple. I wanted to
possess her, as she possessed me, and so I assaulted her again.
Kissing her lips hard, with everything I had in me. I enveloped her naked
body with mine. I walked foreword until I cornered her, pressing her against a
wall with my body. She was surprised, yet I could tell my aggressiveness and
assertiveness was setting her ardent desire on fire. My hand left her tresses
and cupped her milky breasts, teasing her nipples with my fingers. She soon
gained control over me.
She knelt before me.
She cupped my buttocks with both of her hands and pulled my sexual core into her
mouth. She licked my length long and hard. Again, she took her time with me,
giving me a chance to enjoy each lick and each nibble. I heard her humming in
delight as she suckled my juices from me. My body was weak and my legs were
about to give out from under me as she went on stroking my erect hard nub with
her tongue. So, I leaned foreword on the wall in front of me, placing my palms
against it. Her slow and gentle ministrations, weren’t enough, I needed more.
I spread my legs further apart, and pushed my sexual inferno harder against her
face till her head was against the wall. I pushed even harder to gain more
friction to my sex. My desire inflamed her. She understood what I wanted and
began licking sucking and chewing my clitoris frantically. Then she impaled my
throbbing core with her fingers, circling them deep inside me. I came in a mad
rush and screamed her name. My legs couldn’t bear my weight any longer and I
collapsed to the floor. Xena’s strong arms caught me as I fell. She embraced
me and placed soft kisses on my wet forehead. After I had rested a little in
Xena’s arms I made love to her as well.
20/03/1751
Monday
It’s been almost a
year since the Prioress and I became lovers. Life couldn’t have been better
for me. She is my soulmate, my other half. She makes me whole, makes me feel
alive. During the days she was the Prioress. She didn’t pay me any special
treatment, nor did she show any signs that gave away her love for me. During the
days, amongst the other nuns, she behaved as though I was just another nun to
her. I wasn’t angry with her. I understood. But during the nights I playfully
demanded from her that she make it up to me, to compensate for her alienation
towards me. She was more than happy to oblige. We talked and loved every night.
She was my life and I was hers.
A week after the
unfortunate incident in the convent, three investigators came looking for Father
Johann. The Prioress told them she hasn’t seen him since he left the convent
after confession. The investigators believed her and left, never to return
again.
Tomorrow, the
Prioress is traveling to Leipzig. Her friend, Bach, died last year and tomorrow
is his Memorial Day.
21/3/1751
Tuesday
Last night, before
she left, we made passionate love. If I had known that that was the last time
she and I ever made love I would have stayed asleep in her arms and wouldn’t
return to the Dormitorium. I began to miss her even before she left. She
promised me she would be back within three days only. "You won’t even know
I’m gone." She said. Her
absence was unbearable. I couldn’t think of anything but her. I knew that this
temporary separation wasn’t easy for her either. I prayed to God to keep her
safe on the roads and to bring her back to me as quickly as possible.
Then the disaster
happened. A terrible storm struck Baden and the convent’s garden was flooded.
The body of Father Johann surfaced and was discovered by Sister Agnes. She sent
for the investigators immediately. I
was terrified. I decided not to talk to anyone till Xena gets back. She would
know what to do. I had such a bad feeling about the whole thing.
Upon her return, she
met with the investigators. In
almost no time at all the Prioress confessed to the murder. She was shackled
like a common criminal and was taken away to the penitentiary in Baden. Before
she walked out of the convent’s door she looked back as if searching for me.
Her eyes met mine. She tried to smile and make me feel that it would soon blow
over and that in no time at all I’d be meeting her at the bell tower for a
wonderful night of love. But I could read in her eyes that weren’t going to
happen.
22/3/1751
Wednesday
She faced trial the
very next day. She said nothing in her defense. There was no point in her mind
and I knew she was right. The magistrate sentenced her to death by hanging. The
sentenced scheduled to be carried out the very next day. It didn’t come as a
surprise to me. After all that was a woman who killed a man, the ranks within
the order don’t matter at all. If the highest-ranking woman verses the
lowest-ranking man. The man would be the one who would have prevailed. That’s
the way the world works. And all the love I had for my Xena couldn’t have
saved her.
Throughout her trail
I wasn’t allowed to see her alone in her cell. I had been with her during
deliberations and during sentencing. I wouldn’t have let her walk through that
nightmare all alone. I showed her all the love I could during her trial. It was
very difficult to maintain a cool-temper during Sister Agnes’ testimony. She
told the court that she knew the Prioress had been copulating with a certain nun
in the convent. She said she wouldn’t reveal her name for she was young and
could be reformed. I had no idea Sister Agnes saw me with the Prioress.
Once she was
sentenced I was permitted to visit her in her cell, but only for a little while.
That was her last night on the face of the earth. She was to be executed the
next day, at first light.
After I entered her
cell we were left alone. She tried to smile at the sight of me but failed. She
tried to look brave for me. She tried to make the impression that she wasn’t
afraid to die. Foolish Xena. She
didn’t have to pretend for me. I
already knew that she was perfect. When I smiled at her she burst into tears and
knelt before me, placing her head on my breasts. I held her tight and soothed
her.
"I don’t want you
to be present during my execution...it’s hideous and shouldn’t be watched by
a pure and gentle soul like yours." She wailed.
"I won’t leave
you, Xena. I won’t let you die alone."
I argued.
"No..."
"Xena, I want you
to witness love when you breathe your last breath." I said softly and squeezed
her tighter against me.
"Thank you, my
love." She stood up, cupped my
cheeks with both her hands and looked deep into my eyes. "I don’t want you
to feel any guilt as if you are responsible for my death...none of it was your
fault. I made the decision to kill the pig, not you, and I would do it again to
protect you. I want you to promise me you won’t feel guilty...come on, love,
let me hear it."
"I promise,
Xena." I eventually gave in.
"Promise me, sweet
Gabrielle, that you’ll go on living your life as if nothing happened. I want
you to forget me. Live a happy life. Don’t think about the loss of me. Don’t
think of me at all. Open your heart to God and love....promise me." She
insisted.
"I can’t promise
you that."
"Please,
Gabrielle...won’t you give me some peace of mind before I’m gone?" Her
words broke my heart. How could I promise her I’d forget her or stop loving
her or keep living a happy life? How could I survive without her?
She was my life. I knew what I had to do, and so I gave her my word that
I’d try to do my best and pretend she never existed.
"I promise,
Xena." I lied.
"Kiss me one last
time, my love." She pleaded.
I captured her lips
with mine. It was a soul-searing kiss that went on for a long time and was deep.
It was wet with salty tears. Our tongues visited each other for the last time,
dancing and bathing each other, clinging to each other as if for dear life. Upon
hearing the key in the lock of the cell we broke away from one another.
I
exited her cell and left. During the night I wandered around the facility in
which Xena was held.
23/3/1751
Thursday
At first light she
was dragged out of her cell and into the city’s square where a scaffold
awaited her. There were many people surrounding the area. They all came to see
the murderous Prioress being executed. I elbowed my way in order to stand in the
front row. I wanted to have a clear view of Xena and I wanted her to see me too.
She refused to wear a blindfold. The executioner wrapped the noose around her
neck. Our eyes were locked. I didn’t cry. I just looked at her and smiled at
her, beaming with all the love I had in myself for her. I knew she was grateful.
"I love you,
Xena." I mouthed without a sound.
"I love you too,
Gabrielle."
And then, she was
gone.
There are no words to
describe what I felt the moment she departed. Well, there is one word that comes
to mind...Emptiness. I couldn’t bring myself to cry then. The sorrow and pain
were too great. I was empty and drained.
I went back to the
convent. I learned that Sister Agnes became the Prioress of the convent.
At night, I exited
the Dormitorium and went to the bath-chamber. I filled the bath, the one she and
I used to share, with hot water. I took off my clothing and entered the bath. I
closed my eyes and imagined her there, sitting with me inside the bath, talking
to me, looking at me, washing my hair, soaping my back, laughing. I imagined the
way she used to emerge out of the water like Venus when she was done. The
Prioress was indeed the Goddess of Love. I loved the way she shielded me from
the cold wind.
After I finished
bathing I went to the bell tower. I spent the night there. I imagined she was up
there with me, holding me, kissing me, touching me, making love to me. I could
feel her hands running all over my body. I could feel her warm breath
accompanying her passionate kisses. I could feel creamy breasts upon mine. I
could feel her talented tongue loving my womanhood. I could see the love she had
for me.
Only then I cried.
I cried loud. I
screamed and wailed my pain and anguish. My soul never knew such sorrow, my
heart never knew such loneliness. I never knew such emptiness. She was my life.
"May God reunite us
in Heaven. Amen."
24/3/1751
Saturday
Dear Parents,
I am sorry to be the
bearer of such terrible news but your daughter Sister Gabrielle was found dead
this morning. It appears that she jumped off the convent’s bell tower. I
assumed she lost her will to live after her affair with the previous Prioress.
Since Gabrielle
committed suicide, I won’t bury her in the convent’s cemetery. You are
required to come and take her body.
My condolences,
Sister
Agnes, "Our Lady of Sorrows"’ Prioress.
Back to FanFic Index