ForevaXena's FanFic . . .

Absolution

by S. Anne Gardner

©copyright January 2001

Disclaimer: This story contains sexual relationship(s) between women. If this offends you, or you are underage, then please leave.

All characters within this story are property of S Anne Gardner and Skyder Pub. Nothing from this story can be reproduced without express written permission from S Anne Gardner.

Comments are appreciated. Please send to sanneol7@aol.com.

June, 1998

"Grandmama, I have to do this," I told her again.

"Porque?" Why, she wanted to know.

"I need to know. I need to finally put this behind me. I won't be able to go on with my life if I don't fully understand my past."

"Porque, sigues hablando en ingles?" she asked.

"I'm speaking in English because I'm going to be speaking it for a long, long time," was my weary answer.

I was stubborn but so was she. My grandmother was a strong woman, but I was her soft spot. She had loved and pampered me my whole life. After my parents died she protected me and tyrannically controlled all around me. She was not going to allow anything to touch her beloved grandchild.

I realized when I got older that she had forbidden any talk of my parents' death around me. She wanted to spare me pain. The harder she tried to protect me from the details the harder I tried to find out for myself what had happened to my parents. My memory was incomplete.

What I could remember was hazy at best. Most of all I needed to know why I had lost my sister.

I still remembered the day my mother and father brought her home from the hospital. She was so sweet. I had loved her from the very first moment. I remember touching her with my finger and her little hand holding on to me. As we grew older, we became inseparable. We were dependent on one another. In retrospect, I now know she was the only person that I loved and that loved me back just as much.

Mother and father were never in the nursery much; they traveled a lot. My sister and I were all we had. During those years while we were growing up we clung to one another during the good and the bad. We held each other during the nightmares and the loneliness. Having Maria meant not being alone anymore. I loved her. I loved her so very much. I would have died for her. Many times I wish I had died instead of her.

When Grandmama told me that she had gone to be with God, a part of me just froze. Something inside me just turned off. I didn't say anything. I just stayed quite. It was a year before I said anything again.

After being taken to many doctors I eventually did speak. Although I seemingly acted like most children I have never felt whole, not really, not ever. She knew. Somehow my Grandmama always knew that there was something asleep in me. She would sometimes just stare at me when she thought I wasn't looking, her eyes possessed with such sadness.

My memories were incomplete. I needed to find a reason why I had lost Maria. As time passed by my obsession with finding out why my sister had died became all that I thought about. She had been only five when she died in the car with my mother and father. Somehow that part of my life which I could not remember ruled my life. Something had happened. If not, then why the mystery? Why could I not just move on and let go? Why couldn't I remember?

I began to notice that my grandmother became very agitated as my interest in finding out how and why she died became so important to me. I learned to control my curiosity. I asked less questions. But as the years passed, my need to know became paramount. Until one day I knew I could not go on without knowing. That day my life led me to my destiny.

"Abuela, tengo que ir y usted lo sabe." I told my grandmother that I needed to go and she knew it.

Suddenly, she looked very tired. She nodded her head, accepting the finality of my decision as she walked away.

I was the only family she had left and her health had not been good for the past year. But nothing could have stopped me from going to the United States. The accident had been there. The answers were there too.

It was a noisy party as most parties are. I had arrived about an hour earlier. Normally, I would have enjoyed it. But I had come to this party with one objective in mind; to meet Annais D'Autremont.

The party dragged on. As the time passed I found myself becoming melancholy. I had been in New York only a few months and so far my search had been going badly. But, I had found something a few months a go. I had a name, Annais D'Autremont, and hopefully, after tonight, I would have a face to go with it.

Even though I had to keep searching I began to tire and I was homesick. I missed Spain and my grandmother. She was the only family I had left and my leaving wasn't exactly a pleasant memory. We argued endlessly about whether I should come or not, but I would not be talked out of it.

I had come to the party with two friends, Elena and Alfonso who had been introduced to me in Spain two years ago. Elena was the granddaughter of one of my grandmother’s friends.

As soon as I knew they were living in the United States, my interest in them grew. They were nice enough but they were a couple and sometimes it felt odd spending time with them. Alfonso tended to be too friendly sometimes and that was a problem I didn’t need.

I tried making excuses as to why I couldn’t see them very often, but when Elena called about this party I accepted the invitation immediately. The party was being hosted by a person whose name made all the bells inside me go off.

An hour later the party was winding down. Elena and Alfonso were doing there own socializing and had forgotten all about me. As of yet I had not found the elusive Annais D’Autremont. I was bored. I was obsessed. I needed to know. Something inside me drove me on. Sometimes all I could feel was the need to know. Why? What had I forgotten that haunted me even years later?

I began to drift around the party, just walking around listening to different conversations not engaging in any. All of a sudden I felt someone watching me. I turned and started scanning the room, surprised when my eyes locked with hers. Quite suddenly something rattled inside me. I looked away quickly. Something in this woman's eyes had made me uncomfortable.

I found myself looking around the room several times during the night and I would always stop as soon as my eyes found her.

She was beautiful, seeming to glide within the room. She was truly exquisite. Immaculately dressed and as she spoke she seemed to mesmerize the people around her. I could see the web she spun around them as she spoke. I smiled to myself. You could see men just drooling over themselves as she spun her web of charm and seduction. Because that is what it was. She played with them all. She liked the reactions and as our eyes met once more there was a moment of recognition; she knew I could see her game. I walked in another direction and put distance between those eyes and myself.

I found myself noticing the view of New York City. It was such a beautiful night that I decided to go out to the verandah before I started looking for my friends again. I walked out and the breeze was wonderful. It was a warm breeze but it cooled and caressed your skin as it moved. The city looked so beautiful from up here. I raised my face up and closed my eyes as I let the breeze caress my body. I heard a noise from the shadows and my eyes came upon two forms embraced in a passionate kiss. Something about the two figures kept me staring, unable to look away.

I shouldn't be here a voice inside me kept repeating. I heard whispering and a woman emerged from the shadows and walked back into the party. She hadn't noticed me standing there at all. I felt like an intruder.

My eyes returned to the darkness and I was met by those same eyes I had met that night over and over again. She just stood there looking at me from the shadows.

I felt embarrassment wash over me and, although it was dark and she could not have seen me blush, I realized she knew I had seen them when her mouth smiled seductively. I stood motionless for a moment and then, when she started walking towards me, I walked past her quickly and hurried back inside. I had come upon a situation I wanted no part of.

I looked around the room and still no sight of Elena and Alfonso.

“I promise I don’t bite,” I heard a soft voice whisper behind me and I turned toward it.

She stood barely a foot away. Her perfume filled my senses and up close she was more beautiful to me than she had seemed before. I just stared not knowing exactly what to say.

She put out her hand and said, “My name is Francesca.” She held my hand a moment and just as quickly released it. “Are you going to tell me yours?” She asked teasingly.

“Cristina...I’m Cristina,” I said feeling rather foolish. After all, this woman’s life was none of my business. She started talking of things in general and I found myself mesmerized by her charm just as all others seemed to be.

She had the knack of putting you at ease. I found myself enjoying my conversation with her. I was relaxed and for the first time that night I was enjoying the party. She was so easy to talk to. When she laughed it was like music. I felt like the moth drawn in by the flame. Perhaps through Francesca I could meet the person I was looking for.

We spoke for about an hour sitting on a large white couch. I had not found anyone in all the time that I had been here that I felt so confortable talking to. There was something soothing and familiar about being with her. I forgot all about the incident on the verandah and just allowed myself to enjoy her company.

“I’ve never seen you in one of my parties,” she said as she looked around the room.

My eyes flew to her face. “Your party?” I asked, my eyes looking away for a moment before they met hers again.

“Yes,” she said softly turning to look at me.

“You’re Annais D’Autremont?” I asked in surprise.

“Yes, but my friends call me Francesca.”

It only took a moment before I recovered from the surprise. “You’ve caught me, I crashed your party with my friends” I said to her with an embarrassed smile.

“Don’t be silly, I’m glad you came,” she said gracefully.

After a few minutes, Alfonso and Elena finally appeared.

“Ah, Annais finally we get you to ourselves. I see you’ve met Cristina” Elena said.

“Yes, we’ve been talking a good while now,” she said with a smile as her hand briefly touched my knee.

Elena and Alfonso joined us. When we decided it was time to take our leave she invited me to lunch and shopping. I agreed to meet her the next day. She said good-bye to my friends and then to me, kissing me lightly on the cheek. Used to this behavior, as it was natural in Europe, and I returned her kiss. I realized it had been a mistake immediately when I saw her reaction. She took my hand in hers, holding my hand a little too long. Her eyes searched mine for a moment.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Cristina,” she said softly.

I slowly pulled my hand out of hers. I was walking towards the door when she spoke again. “Cristina, your last name? I’m supposed to meet you tomorrow and I don’t even know your last name.”

“Alcala. Cristina Alcala.”

I saw a moment of recognition in her eyes but she quickly masked her thoughts. I had been right, she knew something. I had to know what it was. This is the closest I had ever gotten to my past.

“Do you know my family?” I asked her. After a moment she nodded, her face and her eyes searched mine.

“Perhaps you knew my parents?” I asked. “They were Carlotta and Estafan Alcala.” Her face went pale as I finished. “You knew them didn’t you?” She just stared at me without saying a word.

My eyes searched hers but they were closed to me now. We stood facing each other for what seemed like a century.

“Cristina? Cristina?” Elena’s voice broke the uncomfortable silence.

The spell was broken. I mustn’t scare her away. Not now, not yet. I mustn’t scare her away. That sentence kept going over and over again in my head.

“I’m sorry Francesca. I was only nine when they died and I was ill for a long time afterwards. My memories are vague at best. I always like to know people who knew them, but my enthusiasm sometimes gets the better of me. See you tomorrow?” I looked at her presenting a calmness I did not feel. She smiled and nodded.

“Tomorrow,” she stated simply.

I tossed and turned all night. She knew them. She had acknowledged knowing them. She could clear up so many of my questions. I knew that. I felt I was right. She was the one that would be able to help me put it all together. I had to be patient. I had to be in control of the situation. I mustn't let my emotions rule my life as my parents had. They paid for their mistakes with their lives. This last thought disturbed me.

People saw only what they wanted to see. My parents were led by their passions and sometimes their children got in the way. When that happened Maria and I usually got left behind.

Francesca had been the person I wanted to meet at that party. She had been the reason I went. I must also confess that I felt guilty. Why? I didn't know why. Yes I did. I had liked her. Why should that bother me?

Many times I thought of picking up the telephone and telling my grandmother I was going home. But, deep inside I knew I would never do that. I wanted to know why the death of my parents had always been a subject that we never discussed.

The need to find out what had happened to them had become an obsession. I had lost Maria. I could still sometimes remember her little hand in mine and how it felt. Perhaps, that's what really prompted me to try to find out what had happened. I needed to make some type of sense of the loss. There had to be a reason. It could not have been a simple accident. If so, why the mystery?

I had looked through newspaper clippings and articles written about the accident and all the gossip that had followed. The speculations and the innuendo's had been horrible. All I had was a name. That name was Annais D'Autremont. I had found it in my father's papers. Her name had also been entered in my mother's most desirable guest dinner lists, which had been my mother's bible. Her name had appeared everywhere. She was also in the funeral attendance list. I had asked grandmother about her once and all I heard from the other side of the phone was silence. She said she did not know her. But, I knew it was a lie.

Annais D'Autremont was someone that would be able to tell me more. I knew she was involved somehow. I could feel it. She would clear up some questions, I felt sure of it. Or at least be able to tell me more than what I knew or had guessed.

Why did I have to like her? Perhaps, it was just a coincidence; her name being all over. Perhaps I wanted answers so badly that I saw shadows where there were none.

I slept very little. Nevertheless, I was showered and dressed for my luncheon with Francesca two hours early.

So many questions going through my head. The two hours seemed to disappear and I was brought back to reality by the ringing of the telephone.

As soon as I heard the voice I knew instantly that it was her. She offered to pick me up instead of meeting at the restaurant since it was sometimes hard to get a cab at the lunch hour. I accepted the lift and thanked her. She would be passing by to pick me up in about thirty minutes. I hung up the receiver and waited with anticipation.

We went to Le Cirque for Lunch. The setting had been orchestrated to impress. Francesca ordered for us. The waiter new her by name. She was apparently a frequent customer. She asked me to let her surprise me, and surprise me she did. And, yes I was impressed by her choices. I guess it wasn't so much the choices but the combinations. Francesca was a woman of the world and was familiar with the trappings of wealth. It showed with her choices of foods and wines. Everything about her had an air of sensuality.

Lunch was wonderful. I found myself just enjoying her company and now I can admit that I chose not to ask any questions because I just wanted to be with her.

Her manners and her smile felt familiar, almost like a part of me. Neither of us referred to the past. We talked for hours, and decided to shop another day since we had stayed so long over lunch.

She would be away for a week and we agreed to meet on her return. I remember feeling incredible disappointment that she was leaving. It must have shown because her hand went over mine.

"I'll be back before you know it," she said gently to me.

I was looking at her hand on mine and then my eyes went to her face. There was always an aura of familiarity with Francesca. In that moment our eyes said more than any words could have.

"Would you like to come with me?" She asked quite suddenly. "With you?" I repeated incredulously.

"Why not? You would like St. Maarten. I'm building a house there and I must go and check its progress." I was caught off guard, but the excitement must have shown on my face. "Come on, come with me. You'll love the beach and the sun. It's so cold here now." It only took a minute for me to accept. "Yes, I would love to come. Thank you Francesca," I answered exuberantly. She smiled at my excitement. A few days later we were on a plane for St. Maarten.

I remember how great the wave of heat felt as we got out of the airplane after the cold that had begun to be felt in New York. Francesca returned my smile. It was warm and the air was filled with the fragrances of wild flowers, combining with the smell of the ocean.

It was a different world. A world with warm breezes and the sound of the rustleing of the leaves; a world that was filled with the blueness of an ocean never far away. It was a world of flowers; it was far away from all I had ever known.

We were met by a limousine and taken to a condominium on one of the resorts in St. Maarten. We were right on the beach. It felt so soothing to hear the rushing of the waves.

I stood in front of a picture window looking out to the ocean. Francesca came from up behind me and put her hands on my shoulders. I looked back at her and smiled.

"Happy Tina?" she asked.

My face suddenly changed. I felt angry. Quite suddenly I was filled with a rage that shook my whole body.

"Don't call me that," I said rather harshly.

I looked out to the ocean again. She removed her hands from my shoulders as if my skin had burned her. I knew that she was still quite close. Our eyes met on the reflection of the picture window. She was looking at me questioning.

"Why?" she asked softly.

"I don't like it,...I just don't like it." I wrapped my arms around myself in a protective gesture. I felt a shiver going through me. I felt cold.

My anger disapeared as quickly as it had appeared. I was suddenly filled with fear. I looked in her direction not knowing why, my eyes filled with unshed tears. She hesitated for a moment and then quickly took me into her arms. After a few minutes she held me at arms length and spoke.

"It's so beautiful here Cristina, why don't we go for a drive? Then we can go into the water when the sun is not that strong, hmm?" She looked into my eyes very lovingly now.

I looked into her eyes and it was reassurance that I remember feeling.

"Okay," I replied all the anxiety forgotten.

She walked over to a small table near the door and took some keys from its drawer. She turned to me and put her hand out to me. I took it without the merest hesitation and we went for a drive.

St. Maarten was paradise. The island was divided into two parts. One was Dutch and the other was French. We were staying on the French part of the island. It only took a few hours to go around the whole island. At every turn there was ocean and sky. It was a world filled with sun, water and sky.

I had begun to relax again. After driving around most of the island we decided to do some shopping. I knew that she came here often but we played tourists for the day for my benefit. We walked and went in and out of local shops.

It was around three in the afternoon when we headed back to the condo. I put on the bathing suit we had bought in town that Francesca had liked and went out to meet her. She was already on the beach.

She was sitting in a lounge chair with a big brimmed hat on, drinking some icy pink drink. I ran past her and knocked her hat off. I was laughing and I knew that she was running after me, but I got to the water first.

Eventually she caught me. We were splashing water at each other and she playfully pushed me under the water. I was filled quite suddenly with panic. When I came up I gasped for air.

Francesca was immediately by me and embraced me. She pushed my hair away from my face and spoke gently to me. "I'm sorry if I frightened you mon petite cher." I clung to her. Still holding me she kissed my cheek and brushed my lips with hers.

I pulled back from her and swam away. She did not move until I turned and waved for her to follow at which time she dove into the water and came after me.

We stayed in the water for an hour or so. We splashed each other with water and played like children for the remainder of the afternoon. Francesca reminded me of the carefree feelings of childhood. And like the pied piper, I followed her. After awhile she asked if I was hungry. I was famished so we swam back to shore to shower so we could have dinner.

Part Two