ForevaXena's FanFic . . .

Careful What You Wish For

by R. D. Elliot

Disclaimers:  I don't own them, but you know who does.  

Yes, there's violence just like the series.  There is also a brief depiction of rape.  Sorry about that. 

Also, this does show the warrior and bard discovering their feelings. 

This is my first attempt and I'd be most interested in feedback at rd2jaft@sat.net

Part 2

Chapter 8

Finally it seemed the Gods took pity on the pair and presented them with several days of  boredom.  They slipped quickly into a routine of travel, practice, food, travel, practice, food.  The only thing marring the time was Gabrielle's repetitive nightmares.  They grew in frequency and intensity.  Xena tried to coax her friend to share her worries, but it only caused the bard to withdraw more.  It baffled Xena for Gabrielle certainly seemed at peace, even happy, during the day.  Maybe it was the staff practice or reading the scrolls that caused unrest in her.  Or maybe it was the presence of the warrior herself.  'The dreams started after we left Mouse.  Maybe she's afraid to be alone with me.  She certainly got to see what I'm capable of when we ran into those thugs.'  She watched as once again Gabrielle took up the scroll box and lifted out one of the parchments.

"Gabrielle," she spoke interrupting her friend.  "Maybe this once you should skip reading."

"But why?"

"Maybe they bring up memories you can't quite remember and so you have the nightmares."

"It can't be the scrolls. I love reading about yours and Gabrielle's adventures."

"Just once, ok?"

Grudgingly, she consented as she reached for her staff.

"And can we skip that, too?  Just for tonight."

The bard's shoulders slumped in disappointment.  'She's tired of me.  I think this journey's about to end.'  She threw herself into her bedroll, turning her back on the warrior.

'Good going, warrior, now she's pissed.  Great mood you put her in right before bed.  If she has a nightmare tonight, you'll know for sure it's about you.'

Xena kept watch long into the night stirring at each movement her friend made.  Finally it seemed that the night would be uneventful, and the warrior surrendered to sleep herself.  Just before dawn it began.  Visions of  Jax invaded her mind, the laughter, the beatings, the invasions of her body.  Her whimpers turned to cries, her body thrashed wilder and wilder.

"Gabrielle!  Wake up!  Gabrielle!"  The warrior shook the girl 'til her eyes slammed open.  But Xena could tell she was still trapped within the nightmare.  "It's me -  Xena.  You're safe."  Reaching out she tried to lay a comforting hand on the bard, but only succeeded in causing her to scoot back.

As Gabrielle tried to escape the tormentor in her mind, her hand landed on a small log.  With defiance she swung at the image of Jax as fiercely as she could, hitting Xena squarely on the temple.  The warrior was not prepared for the attack and even less prepared when it came again, clipping her on the jaw.  She fell forward and covered her head as the log kept coming down.  'I need to move … why am I letting her beat me silly?  Because I know I deserve it.'  Xena managed to turn on her back in time to see Gabrielle lift the club for a killing blow.  "I love you, Gabrielle.  Forgive me …." she whispered as blackness claimed her.

The bard froze staring at the still form before her.  Her breathing was rapid, her vision blurred, but her fear, her anger were subsiding.  Slowly her eyes focused and she recognized the woman Xena stretched out before her. 

'Gods!  What have I done?!  She'll kill me when she wakes!  Oh Gods, what if I've killed her?'  The log fell harmlessly to the ground as Gabrielle knelt to evaluate the woman's condition.  Blood was everywhere.  Panic began to rise within her.  'No.  Can't panic.  Breathe, just breathe.  And think.  You know what to do.  Just stay calm and think!'  Springing into action, she grabbed the healer's pouch and some clean linens.  With the utmost care she cleaned away the blood to look at the gash above the right eye.  'I think it needs a few stitches.  Xena says I've done this before.  I need to stop thinking and just let my body do what it knows.'  She pulled out a needle and threaded it, timidly lacing the skin together.  Then she smoothed on the all-purpose healing ointment and wrapped Xena's head to protect the wound.  Next she inspected the jaw which was badly bruised, but, to her relief, not broken.  Her eyes shifted to the warrior's arm which was purple and swelling.  Tenderly she felt for broken bones, and finding none, she wrapped the arm from fingers to elbow.  Pulling a bedroll close, she gently rolled the warrior on, then wrapped a blanket firmly around her.  Laying her head on the woman's chest, she listened to the heartbeat, strong and regular.  'Thank the Gods!' 

The sun had risen lightly touching the camp.  Gabrielle set about rigging a blanket over Xena for shade.  Digging once more into the medicine pouch, Gabrielle fished out the herbs Xena had brewed for her and set water to boiling.  Then she patiently sat at her side, holding a cold cloth to the warrior's face, and did the only thing left to do – wait.

                                                                          * * * * *

The sun was directly overhead when a groan escaped the waking lips of the warrior.

"Xena?  Don't try to talk.  Just lay still."  Xena felt a hand slip behind her head, lifting her slightly and then a cup pressed to her mouth.  She sipped the tea recognizing healing herbs.  Thoughts swirled in her head without form.  "What happened?" she croaked, barely audible.  "Stampeding centaurs?"

Gabrielle hung her head in shame.  "I did this."

Dimly the memory of the night resurfaced.  "Bad dream."

"Yes, I thought Jax was attacking me again.  I struck out.  I didn't know – I didn't realize it was you.  I'm so so sorry, Xena."  Tears were freely flowing down the young woman's face.

"Not … your fault.  Don't cry."  Her good arm freed itself to wipe the tears away.

Gabrielle held the warrior's hand firmly against her cheek.  "I'll take care of you, I promise.  I'll stay by you 'til you're healed.  And I'll accept any punishment you choose to give me."

Through the crying, she thought she heard the warrior chuckle, then whisper, "A kiss."  What did that mean?  She looked at the woman who had already drifted back into sleep.  She brushed the raven hair from her forehead, continuing to stroke it as she affirmed, "You rest.  I'll be right here."

A candlemark later the warrior stirred again.  "Gabrielle?"

"Right here, Xena."  The bard knelt beside her, lifting her head and lifting a cup to her lips. 
"Here you go."  She wiped the warrior's face when she was finished.  "Hungry?"

"No."

"You need to eat.  Let me help you sit up.  There you go," she coaxed as she supported the dark woman.  "I've got some cheese and picked more berries.  What else can I get you?"

"This is fine," she said as she picked at the food.  

"Xena, I had to stitch above your eye.  I hope I did it right."

"I'm sure you did."

"Xena … I'm sorry."

"For having a nightmare?  For getting kidnapped and beaten half to death?  For not even knowing who you are?  No, Gabrielle, I'm the one who's sorry.  If it hadn't been for me, none of this would have happened."

Silence sat between them.  'She really doesn't blame me.  She blames herself.  I think she blames herself for a lot.'

"I'm finished.  Let's get moving," Xena said as she painfully pulled herself to her feet.

"Don't you think you should rest some more?"

"I'm a tough old warlord.  A couple of whacks in the head aren't going to slow me down.  Believe me, I've had much worse."  She moved slowly to saddle Argo.  Grabbing the saddle, she attempted to throw it over the horse's back.  Dizziness gripped her, the saddle falling to the ground as she reached out to steady herself.  Without a word, the younger woman was at her side, picking up the saddle and placing it on the mare.  Deftly she cinched the girth, then began breaking camp.  Xena turned to help, but Gabrielle stopped her.

"Xena, please sit and rest.  I don't think it's wise to be traveling, but if you insist, at least let me do the packing."  Worried green eyes captured her, bending her to compliance.  "Thank you."

Argo was soon ready, but Gabrielle was not.  "Xena, please wear this sling to support your arm," she said as she slipped it over the warrior's head not waiting for approval.  "And I want you to promise me we'll stop if you feel the least bit bad."

Xena's eyebrow arched at the bard.  "Any other commands?" she asked dryly.

Gabrielle gulped realizing she had just told her mistress what to do.  "I meant no disrespect."

The dark woman chuckled looking at the little one's expression.  "It's all right.  My Gabrielle did the very same thing."  'And I miss it.'  You have a right to express your opinion even if it differs from mine.  I want you to speak up, understand?"

Baffled, she queried, "I won't get hit?"

Looking steadily into her eyes, Xena quietly asked, "Have I hit you once since you've been with me?"  The golden-red head nodded no.  "I'm not your mistress.  I don't own you.  No one does.  I'm your friend.  Not the best in the world, but I am your friend and I'd give my life for you."

Gabrielle stood amazed at the words that greeted her.  A smile spread across her face and she reached up to kiss her friend on the cheek.  It was the warrior's turn to be surprised.  The bard noticed, asking, "Did your Gabrielle not show you affection?"

"Rarely.  But it was my fault.  I'm not very good at handling it and she knew it."

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable."

"No – it was nice."

"Good.  So – back to my question – do you promise to stop if you need to?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"May I give you a hand up?"

"Thanks."

They were finally off with Gabrielle sitting behind, supporting the larger woman.  "Just relax.  I have you."

It felt good to relax into Gabrielle's arms.  They traveled on in companionable silence, Gabrielle humming occasionally.  Xena closed her eyes listening to the sweetness of her voice.  It had been silent too long. 'Hopefully soon she'll begin to talk again.  I never thought I'd miss her chatter.'

Abruptly the humming stopped and Xena opened her eyes to see a tall lone man standing in the middle of the road, wielding an axe.  'Not again.  Son of a Bacchae!'  With a sigh Xena slowly began to move to take care of the situation, but before she could, Gabrielle had already slipped off and grabbed her staff.

"Gabrielle, what do you think you're doing?" she hissed in shock.

"Just getting the litter off the road.  Stay here, I can handle this."

"Gabrielle-"

"Xena, stay."  She gave her a quick smile, then turned to address the man in front of her.  "Let us pass and no one gets hurt."  He laughed seeing this small girl stand up to him.

"I wouldn't laugh if I were you," the warrior called.  "If you make her angry, she could do this to you," she finished, indicating her own condition.

The man hesitated, unsure, "You trying to tell me that little girl did all that to you?  What did you do for such a beating?"

"I woke her up."

At that, Gabrielle began to swing her staff with a flourish, jumping from one stance to another.  "Hey, can't you take a joke?"  Gabrielle then let out her own version of Xena's war cry.   Without another word, the man turned and fled.

"I could have taken him," she smiled as she returned and mounted.

"Gabrielle, you taught me a long time ago to talk first, fight later.  You might save yourself a workout."

"I taught you that?"

"Yes, you've taught me many things during our time together."

"How about that?"  She could feel the bard smiling as she began to hum again.

                                                                         * * * * *

"Gabrielle, I feel fine.  Let me go catch us some supper."

"Xena, we have bread, cheese, jerky, fruit. We don't need anything special and you do need to rest.  Now relax … please."

Xena could tell the discussion was at an end.  She smiled watching the young woman set the camp, start the fire, and even groom Argo.  After their supper, Gabrielle insisted on checking Xena's injuries.  She unwrapped her head first, looking seriously at her handiwork.  Gently the bard dabbed on more healing ointment.  "Do you think I should leave it unwrapped for the night?"

"You're the healer," Xena replied, content to let Gabrielle make all the decisions right now.

"I'll leave it off," she decided as she began applying ointment to the jaw.  Then carefully she removed the covering on Xena's arm.  "I'd like you to look, too, please."

Xena gazed down at the purplish blue mass that was supposed to be her arm.  "Damn.  Remind me never to wake you again," she chortled as she looked up at Gabrielle.  But the young woman's eyes were clouded.  "Hey – don't go there.  Not your fault, remember?"  Gently Gabrielle lifted the arm and kissed it.  "The arm's fine.  Really.  I just need to keep the wrist immobile another day so wrap it up, healer," she quipped trying to lighten the bard's mood.

With care, Gabrielle rebound the arm and slipped it back in the sling.  As she removed her own hand, she lightly brushed against Xena's breast.  The touch aroused sensations in the warrior that confused her.  'What's going on – or do I really want to know?'  Before she knew it, Gabrielle had slipped in back of her to begin massaging her shoulders.

"Gabrielle, you don't have to do that.  You've done so much already."

"I like doing it – honest."

'This is turning into a torture session.'  The warrior closed her eyes and began to lean fully into those strong hands.  Gabrielle again let her hands travel up the neck and Xena leaned her head back into the bard's chest.  The hands moved to the temples caressing tenderly.  Gabrielle looked at the face before her, relaxed and serene at the moment.  'By the Gods, she's beautiful.  And so caring, so gentle.'  As she stared at the face before her, the bard felt herself drawn in and she lightly kissed the warrior on the lips.  Xena's eyes flew open and her head snapped up.  Gabrielle moved around to face the dark woman.  "Have I offended you?"

"No," she gulped.

"You don't look happy."

"Surprised me."

"Did it please you?"

"Uh … yes."

"Good," she smiled leaning in to kiss her again

"Wait," she said, pulling back, "I don't think this is a good idea."

"You don't find me attractive?"

"What?!  No! – yes! – I mean," she sputtered completely flustered, "it's just that you're not yourself right now and I don't think it would be wise to engage in anything … uh … out of the ordinary … until you do have your memory back … don't you think?" she gulped again.

"I suppose so," she said as she absentmindedly brushed Xena's bangs from her face.  Then she rose to look in the scroll box leaving behind a very hot and bothered warrior.

'What in Tartarus just happened?  Did this Gabrielle just indicate she was attracted to me?!'  Xena sat worrying it over and over in her mind while the bard sat quietly reading.  "Xena?"  The voice brought her back to her surroundings.  "Yes?"

"I'm reading Gabrielle's journal and-"

"You're reading her personal journal?" her voice tensed.

"Xena, technically it's my journal.  I thought it would be a good way to find out about myself.  Don't you think?"

"I guess."

"Anyway, according to what I'm reading, your Gabrielle loves you very much."

"I told you we were friends."

"It's more than that.  You're essential to her life.  You've taught her, protected her, cared for her.  You're her family, Xena"

The dark woman sat staring at the flames letting the words soak in.  Lost in thought, she didn't notice when the young woman kneeled beside her.  "Xena, I have a feeling I was correct when I did this earlier."  She leaned in slowly, barely letting her lips touch the brooding warrior.  "I also have a feeling you're the one unsure of your feelings."

"I never allowed myself to go there.  And I won't take advantage of you now.  If you really care about this, you'll wait until your mind is restored."

Gabrielle looked steadily at the woman, contemplating the new feeling roaring inside.  "All right.  I'll wait because I do care very much … about you."  Giving her one last kiss on the forehead, she went to spread out their bedrolls.  "Come to bed."  Nervously Xena slipped between the blankets and the bard tucked her in.  "We're going to be ok."  The older woman looked at this bright young girl beside her in wonder.  In such a short time she had regained much of her inner strength even if the memories eluded her.  'Her strength is remarkable.'  Closing her eyes, she followed the bard into sleep.

                                                                        * * * *

Xena woke to the stirrings of the body next to her.  The dream had just begun.  Before it grew, Xena reached out stroking the bard's head, murmuring that she was safe, that she was loved.  She didn't attempt to rouse the sleeper, just kept touching her gently, whispering support in her ear.  Slowly the agitation disappeared.  But Xena kept stroking the fine hair, kept murmuring words of love until she too slipped back into restful sleep.  And when her hand went still, the other body sought its warmth, turning into her, resting firmly against her.  And the night was at peace.

Chapter 9

Xena woke to gentle snoring on her shoulder.  She turned to see Gabrielle snuggled firmly against her.  Gently she slipped from the woman's grasp uncertain who would be more uncomfortable if she woke to the present situation

"Gabrielle, time to get up and get moving."

The bard startled awake realizing she'd over slept.  "Sorry."

"You're going to spoil me getting up so easily."  Gabrielle smiled understanding she had nothing to fear from not beating Xena awake.  They ate lightly, then checked each other's injuries.  Soon they were on the road  with the bard firmly behind the warrior, supporting her.

"We're nearing Amazonia," the dark woman offered after a candlemark.

"So soon?"  There was uncertainty in the voice.  "Xena, may I ask a question?"

"Of course."

"When we get to the Amazons, will you be leaving me there?"

"No."

"I was just wondering.  You left Mouse."

"You don't believe me, do you?"  There was only silence.  'Of course she can't call me a liar even if that's what she believes.'  "Gabrielle, the road is no place for a child.  I spoke to Mouse about that before we ever arrived and he liked the inn and wanted to stay."

"The road's no place for the weak either."

"Gabrielle," the warrior laughed heartily, "you're the strongest person I know.  You survived an entire moon with Jax and his troupe.  When I found you, you were almost catatonic, and yet you've made such great strides in spite of the fact you still have no memory."

"But I've been a great burden to you, and I've hurt you.  You said the Amazons were my family.  I would understand if you want to leave me with them."

"Gabrielle, I made a pledge that I wouldn't leave you, unless you wanted me to go.  Do you want me to go?"

"No!"

"All right then.  We're going to the Amazons because I believe they can help you.  And I'm going to stay with you the whole time.  Got it?"

"Got it."

"Good, cause we're here.  And so are the Amazons."

"Where?"  she asked looking all around and seeing nothing.

"Above us in the trees."  But still she saw nothing.  "Just wait."   And in seconds they were surrounded by Amazon sentries sliding down ropes.  They lifted their masks, warm smiles bathing the travelers.

"Gabrielle, Xena!  How wonderful to see you," Ephiny called and then, getting a closer look at the warrior, continued, "What in Tarturus happened to you?"

"Long story.  Ephiny, we need to see the Healer."

"That's for sure."

"Not for me, for Gabrielle."  Xena saw the concern reflected in the Amazon's eyes as she stepped quickly toward the princess.  Gabrielle took a half step back, tightly grabbing Xena's hand.  Ephiny stopped in surprise.  "Don't take it personally.  She doesn't remember anything.  Not even me.  We're hoping you can help."

                                                                         * * * * *

Secured in the Healer's hut, Nashala checked Xena's injuries first, clucking approvingly over Gabrielle's ministrations.  Then she turned to the princess, examining slowly and carefully.  "Princess, can you tell me the first memory you have?  Not what Xena has told you has happened, but your own awareness."

"I guess it was Xena taking the whip from my hand and throwing it away."

"Why did you have a whip?"

"I had ruined one of her Gabrielle's scrolls and she was so hurt and angry.  I gave her the whip so she could punish me."  The bard heard sharp gasps and deadly looks at the warrior from the other women.  "But she didn't.  Instead she threw it away and said we would fix the scroll together."

"But Gabrielle, that was the next morning after I'd found you.  You don't remember me coming for you at Jax's camp?"  The young woman nodded no, slightly embarrassed.

"Why do you think that memory is your first?" prodded the healer.

"I think I knew I was really safe … that it was all right to be aware of my surroundings."

"Thank you.  I don't believe her lack of memory to be physical.  Can you tell me everything that occurred?"

"Ephiny, could you take Gabrielle to get some food?"  The bard, who was still hanging on to Xena's hand, let go reluctantly, allowing herself to be guided out.  When the young woman was gone, Xena began  to fill in the healer on all that Mouse had told her about Jax's process of gaining control.  Then she continued with her own observations over the past two weeks.  "So, can you do anything?"

"I think we can.  We'll take her into the sweat lodge and help her to reach a deep state of meditation.  Once achieved, we need to guide her mind back through time.  It won't be easy.  It will probably take many sessions and will undoubtedly be painful emotionally.  Do you think you're up to it?"

"Me?"

"It's obvious the princess is uncomfortable with us, and though you say she does not even remember you, at least you've been able to create a bond with her.  She'll need someone she trusts to take her through."

"But I don't know how –"

"Don't worry, Warrior, I'll be right there to tell you exactly what to say and how to guide her.  Can you handle it?"

"When do we start?" she asked with grim determination.

"I warn you, Xena.  You will need to follow my instructions exactly or we could do more harm than good.  Let's let Gabrielle rest the remainder of the day.  We'll start tomorrow."

"Thanks, Nashala."

"Don't thank me yet, warrior."

                                                                            * *  * *

The next morning found the pair in the sweat lodge with Nashala, Ephiny, Solari, and Eponin.  Gabrielle looked around anxiously.  "Princess … Princess."  Gabrielle turned, realizing the healer was addressing her.  "Xena has explained what we'll be doing today, yes?"  The bard nodded.  "I will guide your journey, but it's Xena's voice you'll hear."  Xena smiled supportively at the young woman and she tried to return the smile though she was wary of the whole process.  "Are you ready?"

"I'm scared.  Xena, why do I have to do this?"

Xena's low voice rumbled back, "If you don't remember, you'll always be a slave to what Jax did to you."  The warrior noticed the bard flinch when she said she'd always be a slave.

"But I'm doing better.  You said so yourself."

"Don't you want to be whole?"

"I don't see the importance of remembering," she said turning her back on them all.

"You want to know the importance?  Fine, I'll show you."  Taking a deep breath, the dark woman barked sharply, "Bug!  Come!" 

Without hesitation Gabrielle fell to her knees at the warrior's feet trembling.  She remained there frozen.  The other women stared in shock.  Slowly the young woman's shaking ceased, awareness of what had happened creeping into her brain.  She was embarrassed by her reaction in front of these proud warriors.  Xena knelt down to her.  "Gabrielle, I'm sorry I did that.  You needed to understand how easy it is for someone to intimidate you right back into the slave mind set.  My Gabrielle never submitted to anyone.  Don't you want to find that again?"

There was silence for a long time, finally she stood, taking a deep breath, "Let's start."

"Good girl, " Xena said proudly.  "  You heard the princess."

Ephiny lit candles and incense, Solari and Eponin began beating small drums to give a steady rhythm to induce the meditative state.  Xena led the young girl to sit on soft furs in the center and then sat opposite her.  Nashala sat on a stool right behind Xena.

"Close your eyes and listen to the drums, Princess," the healer instructed.  "Breathe with the drums.  Xena, help her to descend."

The warrior nodded and began the process the healer had carefully explained.  "Breathe … down … down … down to the depths … take a step down the staircase of your mind.  Breathe and step … breathe and step … breathe and step … down … down to the bottom.  Three more steps … down one … down two … down three."  The bard's head sagged forward.

"Remember, Xena, she won't hear my voice.  Just repeat everything I say.  Gabrielle, you are going back to the moment Xena found you."

"Gabrielle, you are going back to the moment Xena found you.  Can you see it?"

"Yes."

"Tell us what you see."

"I'm pouring wine for Master, but I spill it.  He hits me and I fall.  I think he's going to hit me again, but we all freeze when we hear a wild warrior cry.  A tall woman is running into camp.  Master grabs me in front of him with a knife to my throat as if it would matter to the strange woman.  Master Tyrus charges at her and she kills him.  I think Mistress is escaping on one of the horses."

"What happened next?"

"Master tells the warrior woman to drop her sword or .."

"Or what?"

"Or he'll kill me," the words escaped through trembling lips.  "Why does Master think it will matter to her?  I'm just a slave, nothing at all.  I know I'm about to die.  They stand glaring at each other and then she throws her sword down.  I don't understand.  Why did she do that?"

"Go on."

"Master pushes me to the ground and flees.  I'm left with the warrior.  I stay on the ground.  I'm afraid to move.  Then Mouse calls me over.  Tells me I belong to her now."  Gabrielle went on to describe in detail all events that led up to the bard being on her knees in front of Xena, offering her the whip.  The Amazons eyes filled with sorrow listening to the state that their princess had been brought.  Gabrielle was rocking where she sat on the floor, arms wrapped around her knees, tears sliding down her cheeks.

"Xena, that's enough for today.  Bring her back."  The warrior nodded, grateful the ordeal was over.  "We're going to walk back up the staircase, Gabrielle.  Breathe deep and take a step up."  Slowly the bard became more relaxed and unfolded herself, her face at peace.  "Last three steps.  One … two … three."

Gabrielle's eyes opened as memories materialized in her waking mind.  Her face clouded, tears threatening to fall again.  "He was going to kill me."

"Yes."

"And you risked your life to save me."

"Just returning the favor," she smiled.

"Princess, how do you feel?"  queried the healer.

"All right, I guess.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  And it does feel better having a few blanks filled in."

"Good.  Now go eat, take a nap, then do something relaxing.  We'll do this again tomorrow."

They left the sweat lodge heading for the hut they'd been assigned.  Ephiny volunteered to bring food over and Gabrielle ventured to invite the Amazons to eat with them.  Then she looked at Xena, "That is all right, isn't it?"

"Of course.  It's your hut.  I'm the guest," she replied with a quirky smile.  The smile was returned and remained the rest of the day.  All the women enjoyed re-telling old stories, Gabrielle laughing and cheering.  Xena watched her friend, hopeful that healing was in reach now.

But the joy of the day didn't reach into the night.  The nightmare started almost as soon as Morpheus had claimed the bard.  The warrior was ready, reaching out and rubbing the young woman's back, whispering into her ear.  Turning into the warrior, Gabrielle became quiet as she snuggled close.  'At least I can give you this.  So little to make up for so much.'  Gently kissing her on the forehead, Xena herself slipped back into sleep.

                                                                         * * *

"We will follow the same procedure as yesterday.  Now that we've broken the ice with remembering, we'll try going back to the beginning before this whole thing began."

Gabrielle nodded, obviously more at ease with the undertaking.  Again Xena helped her descend into her mind, and with the healer's guidance, took the bard to her first memory, chasing butterflies in a field.  With that early childhood vision, the rest seemed to race each other to emerge.  Childhood gave way to adolescence with first love and first heartbreak.  Xena could see why Gabrielle was who she was, her life so full of joy and love.  Then the invasion of her village occurred and the introduction of the dark warrior into her life.  Xena turned to Nashala behind her, hoping they'd done enough for this session.  The healer seemed to understand the unvoiced plea and consented.  "That's enough for today.  Bring her back."

Xena was happy to comply, nervous to see herself though her friend's eyes.  Gabrielle's eyes opened with amazement as the memories slowly flooded her waking mind.  "I remember.  I know who I am."  The smile encompassed the entire room, her gaze landing on the dark woman.  "You saved my village from slavers."  She shifted to the other women around her.  "Sorry, I still don't remember any of you."

"We needed to stop.  Don't worry, next time I'm sure we'll be in there," the healer said warmly.

"Thank you for everything you're doing for me.  I don't know how I'll ever repay your kindness."

"No need, Princess.  You're part of our tribe and we take care of our own."

"Come on, Gabrielle, I think today's session calls for a celebration," Ephiny chimed in.  "Let's do something special."  The women surrounded their princess ready to escort her out.

"Are you coming, Xena?"  Gabrielle asked hopefully.

"I want to talk to Nashala.  I'll find you later."

The Amazons hurried the bard out laughing and talking excitedly.

"What is it, Xena?"  The warrior shuffled uneasily.  The healer grinned inwardly watching the tall woman wander aimlessly gathering her courage.

"Now that Gabrielle knows who she is, I was just wondering if we needed to go any further?"

The healer suspected this was what had been on her mind.  "It's possible the rest may come back to her on its own.  But, Xena, having only half her memory means she's only half herself.  Why would you want to stop now?"

"Her life before me was happy, full of light and love.  Is there really anything to be gained by her remembering all the pain that comes with knowing me?"

"Is that all you think you've given her?"

"I know it is."

"Never thought I'd see the day when Xena, Warrior Princess, was afraid."  Dark eyes snapped at the healer.  "To answer your question, I don't know how it will effect her to be only half a person.  Perhaps you should let her make that decision since it is her life."

                                                                            * * * * *

The stars were twinkling brightly in the dark velveteen sky when Xena approached the hut they shared.  She paced nervously outside, took a deep breath, and quietly tiptoed in.

"Xena?" came a voice from the dark.

"Sorry, Gabrielle, didn't mean to wake you."

"I wasn't asleep.  I was worried about you."

"No need to be.  You better get some sleep," she said as she began to remove her armor.

"What's wrong?"

"What makes you think something's wrong?"

"Other than the fact you said you'd catch up to us later and never did, and now you're sneaking in when the entire village is asleep?"

"I lost track of time."

"Xena, I haven't known you very long in my mind, but I know you're not telling me something."

She studied the young woman's face in the flicker of the lone candle.  "I was thinking maybe you didn't need any more sessions.  Now that you know who you are, the rest is just clutter."  The green eyes seemed to pierce to the depths of her soul and she busied herself elsewhere avoiding further contact.

"Worried I'll remember the pain I've had traveling with you?"  The warrior's head whipped around.  "Xena, did you really think just because I don't remember the past, I won't ask about it?  And the Amazons were happy to answer those questions."

"I bet they were," she mumbled.

"Xena, they didn't paint a picture of you causing the pain.  But they did paint the picture of you trying to protect me, and blaming yourself whenever you felt you had failed."  The young woman watched her friend digesting the words.  "Xena, I want to know you in my heart, not just know facts on a parchment.  But," she hesitated, "if you'd rather not be there, I understand."

Blue eyes studied green which darted about unable to settle on anything.  "Trying to get rid of me?"

"What?  No, of course not.  I just don't want you to feel obligated."

"Then we'll do it again tomorrow."

"Are you sure?"

"Are you?"  Care and concern reflected at the bard.  She nodded gratefully at the warrior, relieved she wouldn't have to face the sessions alone.  "Decision made then.  Better get some sleep."

"If I can."

"Don't worry, I'll keep the nightmares away," she said as she slipped beneath the covers with her friend.

"I think you really do.  Thank you."  She kissed the great warrior on the cheek, then turned snuggling down deep in the covers for the night.

* * * * *

The session began as usual, drums, incense and Xena guiding her friend down the steps of her mind.  Xena squirmed as Gabrielle began to re-live her life after meeting the warrior.  Images of pain, anger, and loss filled all their minds, yet the warrior was now seeing it all through the bard's eyes.  There was no blame from her, only awe and love for the tall woman who tried so hard to protect her and make things right.  'She's not seeing things the way they really happened.  How did I get so lucky to have this forgiving creature in my life?  I don't deserve her.'

And then the warrior heard her friend recounting that last week before they met the traveling troupe.  She listened as she described the warrior's dark mood, the bard's doubt of being wanted, the commitment to try harder to make Xena happy.  'She blames herself for my mood?  She thinks I don't want her around?  Of course, what else is she to think the way you behave?'

"Xena," Nashala whispered bringing her focus back to her friend.

"Go on, Gabrielle," the warrior prodded. 

The woman began describing the meeting of the troupe.  She saw Gabrielle's delight in these people who seemed so interested in her.  Then she saw Gabrielle's mood change as she relived that horrid night when it all went wrong.  She listened, ashamed of her behavior, but I was only trying to show Gabrielle that the warrior's life was not for her, she thought in her own defense.  She could feel the Amazons' gazes on her as they listened to the strange events.  Then her friend reached the part of the story where Jax easily tricked the warrior chaining her helpless to the tree.  The bard's heartrate increased and her breathing became rapid as she recounted trying to help the warrior only to be rendered unconscious.

Again Nashala had to prod the warrior to continue.  Xena realized for the first time she was just as afraid to face what had happened as her friend was.  Resolutely she took a deep breath, guiding her friend.  "All right.  You were hit with a dart that knocked you out.  Now it's much later and the drug is wearing off.  You're waking up.  Where are you?"

"Inside the wagon, lying on the floor.  My hands are tied behind me and there's a gag in my mouth.  I'm looking for Xena, but I don't see her and I'm getting worried." 'She's the one in trouble and she's worried about me.  Amazing.'  "Then the wagon stops and Jax pulls me out.  I'm trying hard to stay calm so I can find out about Xena.  I try to convince him to let me go – that Xena will track him and down and then – then …"  Her breathing became ragged, tears began to flow freely.  "Oh gods – gods, no!"

"Gabrielle, what is it?  What's he doing to you?"

"Xena's dead!  Oh gods, he says they slit her throat!  She's dead!"  The bard began to wail and rock and hit her fists repeatedly on her thighs.

"Gabrielle, it's all right.  I'm not-"

"Warrior!  Don't."

Whipping around, Xena growled, "I'm not letting her go through that pain again."

"She has to, to get to the other side of this."

"No!"  Turning back to her friend, she tried to break through the sobs to get her attention.  "Gabrielle, this last memory – what he said – you're going to forget it again."

"Warrior!"

Ignoring the healer's warning, she continued, "We're going back up the steps – with each step up you'll forget those last words he spoke.  As you step up the memory will fade.  Step up – let go      - breathe – step up – last three steps   - up – three – two – one."

The bard's eyes flew open as she shuddered, gulping down a breath.  Confusion filled the green orbs.  Memories were flooding her mind to the point she felt she might drown.  Xena sat before her anxiously watching.  Finally the young woman gave the warrior a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.  "Hello, my friend,"  she said reaching out to take Xena's hand.  "I remember you."  She looked up at the Amazons who stood waiting hopefully.  "Yes, I remember you, too," the smile becoming broader.  Unable to contain themselves any longer, they scooped up their princess enveloping her in hugs and kisses.

"Princess, how are you feeling?" the healer worriedly inquired.

"I feel a little shaky for some reason.  I keep feeling something horrid happened, but I can't remember."  The bard caught the look the healer threw at Xena.  "I remember my life with Xena and the Amazons and meeting the traveling troupe.  My last image is Jax pulling me from the wagon.  Was there more?"

"No," Xena lied quickly.  "We thought that would be enough to handle this time around."

Gabrielle looked from warrior to healer sensing much more was going on, then realized she felt exhausted this time, and only wanted to get out of the enclosed lodge.  "I want to lie down for awhile."  Xena stepped forward putting a protective arm around her friend, guiding her out.

"Warrior, we need to talk."

"Later," she growled.

The warrior and bard made their way across the village, Gabrielle calling happily to each Amazon she knew by name.  But as happy as her voice sounded, her eyes held apprehension.  Inside the security of their hut, the young woman sagged, almost collapsing into the bed.

"Gabrielle, are you sure you're all right?"

"Yes – just tired.  Today's session was a hard one for some reason," she explained as she lay down closing her eyes.

"Maybe we should skip tomorrow – just to give you a chance to rest."  She waited as the young woman seemed to struggle with the thought.

"That might not be a bad idea," she finally sighed.

The warrior's brow arched.  'That was easy – too easy.  It really has worn her out.  I'm glad I took that last memory away.  She doesn't need it.  Maybe now that she knows who she is, she won't need any of the memories from her stay with the troupe – gods willing.'

                                                                         * * * * *

The bard's appetite had been off at dinner and she seemed snappish, which was definitely not the usual Gabrielle.  When asked to grace the communal hall with a story, she declined.  Later in their hut, she showed no interest in writing.

"I just want to go to bed, Xena," she said irritably unaware of her tone.

"All right … hey, how about a back rub?"

"You're offering without bribery?"

"You want it or not?" she said with lightness.

"Yes – thank you."

They slipped into sleep shirts and settled on the bed.  Xena straddled her friend beginning a slow relaxing massage.  As she worked, she noticed how tight Gabrielle's muscles were.  The warrior worked an entire candlemark before the bard began to relax.  Abruptly she spoke, "Thanks, Xena, that was nice.  Good night."  She turned over away from the warrior without another word.  The briskness with which she'd been dismissed took the warrior by surprise.

"Good night, Gabrielle."  She lay down noticing that the bard was practically on the edge of the bed.  'Don't take it personally.  Today was rough on her.  Besides, it's better if we don't get so comfortable sleeping together.'  Though she told herself this, she still missed the closeness of her friend.

                                                                          * * * * *

Somewhere in the middle of the night, it began.  The young woman started whimpering and tossing.  Xena reached as always, rubbing her back, whispering in her ear, but this time it didn't quiet the tortured bard's mind.  The twisting became more intense, the cries louder, and sweat broke out all over her body.  Realizing more aggressive intervention was needed, she grabbed her friend by the shoulders, shaking her and calling her name.  The young girl screamed, sitting bolt upright.  Guards outside broke in to defend the princess, swords drawn.

"Just a nightmare.  Everything's under control," Xena assured them.  The bard's eyes were wide with fear as she looked around the room trying to get her bearings.

"Princess?"  the guard questioned.  She wasn't sure she trusted the warrior.  Gabrielle had to take several gulps of air before she could answer.  "Nightmare – like she said.  I'm all right – thank you."  Skeptically the pair withdrew.  The bard continued to breathe heavily.

"That was a bad one.  I'm sorry I wasn't able to stop it this time."  She reached out to wipe the wet bangs from her friend's face.  "Are you really all right?"

"It was just a nightmare.  It's not like they can kill you."  She laid back down staring at the ceiling.  Xena stared at her friend wondering how to help.  Braving rejection, the warrior offered, "Would you like me to hold you?"  Gabrielle said nothing, but turned into her friend's strong arms.  Xena was sure she felt the wetness of tears on her shoulder as the night moved on.

Chapter 10

Xena informed Nashala that Gabrielle would be taking the day off from her therapy, assuring her it was the bard's decision.  Xena watched the young bard throughout the day, joining in the chores of the village, participating in weapons class, sitting in on the council meeting.  But in the evening when all gathered to share stories and song, Gabrielle declined to recite even a poem.  'Something definitely wrong.  It's like she doesn't want anyone to notice her.'

While the revelry was still going on, the young woman made her excuses to the Queen and slipped out.  She said nothing to the warrior so Xena wasn't sure whether she was suppose to follow or give her time alone.  'Damn, I can't just sit here.  If she wants privacy, I can always leave.'

Quietly she opened the door, remaining in the doorway.  "Didn't know if you wanted company or some alone time."  The bard merely shrugged.  "I don't mind leaving – " the woman continued getting ready for bed  - "but I'm happy to stay."  Still nothing.  "Gabrielle, are you listening to me?" 

Finally she saw the warrior.  "Sorry  - just distracted."

"What's going on in that pretty little head?"

"Nothing much."

"Can it be Gabrielle, Bard Extra-ordinaire, has no words?" she teased attempting to wrangle a smile from the young woman.  Another shrug as she sat down in front of the hearth looking into the flames.  'She looks as lost as I feel.'  Trying to be as unobtrusive as possible Xena slipped parchment and ink in front of her friend.  Then she went across the room to sharpen her sword.  She knew the young woman liked to write to the music of the blade on the whetstone.  Out of the corner of her eye she saw the bard reach over and slowly begin to write.  The tall woman let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding.  Confident that things were on track now, she put her attention back on her blade.  She didn't notice as Gabrielle's writing became intense, almost furious, finally tearing the precious parchment.  With agitation, she ripped it more, then threw it into the fire.

"Gabrielle, what are you doing?!"  Xena asked as she leapt to retrieve her words from the flames.  But the bard's firm grip was on her wrist.  "Leave it."  The warrior stared at the hardness in those green eyes that usually filled her with love.  "Gabrielle, what is it?  Talk to me – please," she pleaded.

"That's a switch, the warrior wants to talk."  She rose and went to the bed refusing to talk further.  Xena rose, crossing to the door.  "Where are you going?"  Gabrielle asked more sharply than she intended.

"I didn't think you wanted me around."

"Don't think.  Ask."

"Do you want me around?"

Barely audible came the whispered "yes."  Removing her armor and leathers, she slipped into the bed.  She had to strain to hear the bard say, "I'm sorry I'm being such a bitch.  I don't know what's wrong with me."

Timidly the older woman rubbed comforting circles on her friend's back.  "You have a long way to go to catch up with me, dear one.  Now go to sleep.  I'll be right here."  Xena watched as her friend slowly succumbed to sleep.  Afraid to let down her vigil, the warrior stayed awake watching intently.  'I'll be ready this time the minute the dreams start.'

She didn't have long to wait.  It began with a small whimper.  Instantly Xena was stroking and whispering to the young woman.  Still, it wasn't enough.  Moans began along with her hands lashing out as if trying to protect herself.  Xena gripped the wrists automatically and the struggle increased violently.  "Gabrielle!  Wake up!"

"Stop it!  Stop it!  Get away!"  Gabrielle's voice rose in terrified screams and once again the guards were racing to the rescue.  They saw the big warrior straddling the princess, hands gripping her wrists, yelling at her while she struggled to free herself.  So caught up trying to help her friend, Xena didn't notice the arrival of the guards until she felt a sharp blow and tumbled off the bed into darkness.

Outside Solari was just coming off guard duty when she heard the commotion coming from the princess's hut.  Hurrying inside, the Amazon saw Xena unconscious on the floor and Gabrielle screaming hysterically while the young guard tried to quiet her.

"Tala, go get Nashala now!  Run!"  The guard darted out.  "Gabrielle, you're safe – it's all right – look at me!"  The frightened woman started to focus on her friend, but the warrior's limp form caught her eye and the screams began all over.  Solari slipped behind the young woman, grabbing her arms and wrapping herself around her.  Holding on tight, she tried to quiet her.  Just then the sleepy healer ran in.  "Nashala, I can't calm her!" she yelled trying to control the bard.

The older woman quickly assessed her condition and pulled a small dart from her bag dipping it in a jar.  "Hold her still," the healer directed.  Solari did her best as the guard joined in to help.  Swiftly Nashala jabbed the needle in the bard's neck, held it a moment, then pulled it out.  In moments the young woman slumped against Solari.  "She should be out the rest of the night."  Her gaze shifted to the woman on the floor.  "What happened to the warrior?"

Tala spoke up, "I saw her attacking the Princess so I knocked her out.  We'll take her to a cell now."

"Stop."  The old woman knelt, turning the warrior so she could examine her head.  "Good thing it's hard.  And as for Xena attacking Gabrielle, that's quite impossible.  The Princess was in the throes of a nightmare and didn't know what was happening.  I'm sure the warrior was trying unsuccessfully to help her."

"But-"

"No buts.  Just get her on the bed and then get out before she wakes if you value your own head."

The guards did as they were told and left quickly.  "Solari, get me a cot.  I'll be staying here tonight."  As the Amazon left, Xena began to stir.  "Welcome back."

Holding her head, she looked around, "Gabrielle?"  Turning she found her lying asleep next to her.  "Is she all right?" she asked the healer, her eyes never leaving the bard.

"She was hysterical.  I had to give her a sleeping potion.  None of us could break through the nightmare."  She said nothing more, but her eyes drilled holes in the back of Xena's head.

"What?"  Xena barked.

"I said nothing."

"This is my fault, isn't it?  For making her suppress that last memory."

"It's possible."

"Fine.  I'll tell her what I did tomorrow and then we'll be over."

"Good."

"would it hurt to tell her what the memory is?"

"I think it would be all right."

"Nashala, I wouldn't hurt her for the world."

She watched the warrior gently caress the bard's cheek.  "I know."

                                                                          * * * * *

"Ready to head over to Nashala's?"

Keeping her face turned away, Gabrielle replied, "I'm not sure it's necessary."

"What?"

"I know who I am – who you are – the amazons.  Why do I need to know about that month with Jax?  That's not who I am.  Once I remember, I'm sure I'll work on forgetting it."

"Gabrielle, you've never run from anything.  You going to start now?"

"I don't see the point."

"Not letting Jax control any part of you."  She stared steadily at her young friend.  "Gabrielle, I need to tell you what I did.  The last session you were so upset I made you suppress the very last memory.  I think that's why your nightmare got worse and it took one warrior, two amazons, and a healer to knock you out."

She grinned sheepishly.  "Sorry.  What was the memory?"

"They told you I was dead – that they'd slit my throat.  I know that must have been terrifying for you.  My death would have meant you were all alone – no one to save you."

The bard turned to her.  "Oh Xena, if you think that's why I was upset, you just don't understand how I feel at all."  The warrior looked at her questioningly.  "Xena, you're my best friend – my family.  I wouldn't want to live without you."  The tall dark woman continued to stare at her friend unable to come to terms with what she'd just heard.  "Let's go, my big dumb warrior."  Taking her hand, they walked out the door and over to the healer.

                                                                            * * * * *

"Princess, before we begin, I want to assure you that if things become too traumatic for you, we'll stop.  But we won't suppress any memories," she finished, pointedly looking at the warrior.

Gabrielle nodded and placed herself on the center of the furs.  Incense and drums began while Xena's voice melodically called her down to her depths.

"We're going back to where Jax pulled you from the wagon.  He's talking to you.  What is he saying?"  Instantly the bard's breathing became fast, coming in gasps.  Tears welled in her eyes.  The images resurfaced and wails tore through her throat.  Xena ached to stop, but controlled the impulse.  "Gabrielle, what's happening now?" she asked attempting to take her beyond the moment.  "Focus on Jax.  What's he doing?"

"He walking off leaving me with the news of Xena's death."

"He's coming back now."

"He slipping a collar around my neck then cutting my wrists loose.  But my arms are asleep from being in one position so long, I can't strike out as much as I want to.  Now he's slipping manacles on and yanking me to my feet.  I'm trying to goad him into killing me.  I almost succeed, but Tyrus stops him."  Xena blinked at this disclosure.  "He says he'll make me forget – make me into his slave.  He's pouring something down my throat.  It makes me feel foggy – makes it hard to think – to concentrate." 

Going on, she described the long night and day of the battle of wills ending with her eventual capitulation.  The women sitting around her were filled with rage, each privately vowing revenge.  The narration continued as Gabrielle relived the events that occurred; the beatings, hard work, near starvation, and more beatings.  She related all of it without emotion until she reached the night of the rape.  Adrianna had been angry with Jax and thrown him out of the wagon.  Furious, he grabbed the helpless young woman who quickly realized what was in store for her.

"I know he has the right as my master, but still I fight.  I just can't accept this – it feels wrong.  But it doesn't matter how much I fight.  I'm too weak.  He's grabbing the manacle chain and hooking my arms above my head.  So I kick with my legs.  It's foolish.  He's flipping me over and lashing my back 'til it bleeds.  Now he's flipping me back.  The pain is so great I don't have the strength to fight anymore.  He's ripping my shift.  His hands are all over me, bruising me, tearing at me.  Now he's pushing inside.  Gods, let me die!  Please, let me die!"  Tears are streaming down her face as well as the faces of the women who surround her. 

"Take her past this, warrior."

Trying to keep her voice level, but failing, Xena quickly moved the young woman forward in time.  "It's over now, Gabrielle.  He's left you.  What happens now?"

"The boy, Mouse, is coming to me.  He's releasing the chain from the hook. Now he's giving me a sash so I can pull my torn shift around me.  He's giving me water.  He's gentle.  Master comes out and starts yelling at us.  He tells Mouse to get away.  He laughs at me – says no one will want me now – says I'm ruined – says I better enjoy what he gives me because it's all I'll ever know.  I know he's right.  I don't care anymore.  I don't even want my freedom anymore.  All I want is to die."

There is silence as the words hang in the air before them.  The bard is still now, the tears have stopped.  Xena looks to Nashala for direction. 

"She's quiet.  Let's finish this so none of us has to come back here.  Surely we've been through the worse."

"May your words be true," the dark warrior whispered.  Fearfully Xena guided Gabrielle through the remaining days and was relieved when that particular event was not repeated.  Coming to the end of the time, she brought her friend slowly back.  Her eyes opened slowly, blinking to clear tears that still clung to lashes.  All held their breath as they watched the images wash over their friend.  Recognition filled her eyes and she collapsed to the ground weeping anew.  Xena put her arms around her where she lay and held on tightly letting her continue to cry.

Chapter 11

"I tell you Ephiny, I don't know what to do anymore.  It's been over a week.  She stays in that hut constantly it seems.  And when she does come out, she barely speaks."

"What did you expect?"

"I don't know.  It's just not the Gabrielle I know."

"Xena," she began, trying to broach the subject, "Gabrielle is not the only one who's been affected by this."

"What do you mean?"

"Spouses-" The warrior's brow arched. " – and family of rape victims go through a loss of innocence themselves.  They feel guilt for not protecting their loved one.  Sometimes they're even angry at the woman herself for letting it happen."

"I don't blame her.  If it's anyone's fault, it's mine."

"And how do guilty people react?"

"They get angry at the person they're feeling guilty about."

"Yep.  Do you have any idea how you've been acting towards Gabrielle?"

"I've been trying to be supportive-"

"Wrong.  You've been doing everything in your power to avoid her."

"That's ridicu-"

"No, my dear warrior, I've been watching.  You come early to weapons class and leave late.  When Gabrielle does venture down to the field, you refuse to spar with her."

"After all she's been through, I can't bring myself to lift a hand against her even in practice."

"Have you told her that?"

"Well … I …. No."

"So what is she suppose to think?"  The tall woman hung her head.  "And when you both come to the communal hall for dinner, you actually chatter away but not with her.  Gods only know what you do in the privacy of your hut."

Sadly she confessed, "When I am there, I polish my armor to avoid looking her in the eye."

"You're so busy feeling guilty, wallowing in your own self-pity, you haven't stopped once to consider her pain."

The warrior glared at the Amazon, her anger threatening to escape, then just as suddenly it dissolved into sorrow.  "you're right."

"I know.  Look, Xena, you are the world to Gabrielle.  If you're ashamed of what happened-"

"I'm not ashamed!  It wasn't her fault!"

"But that's not what your actions are telling her.  You can't stand to be around her, you won't talk to her, you can't even look her in the eye.  By the Gods, I'm surprised she's not worse!"

"What have I done to her?"

"Son of a Bacchae, there you go again!"  The Amazon was yelling now.  "What have 'I' done?  Stop thinking 'I' – start thinking 'she'.  What is she feeling?  What is she thinking?  What does she want?  What does she need?  Have you asked her that?"  

If possible, the warrior's head hung lower.  "No."  Suddenly she felt a sharp slap on the back of her head.  "What was that for?"

"You were doing it again!  Feeling bad cause you screwed up!  Well, you don't have that luxury.  If you really care about Gabrielle, I suggest you go to her and find out what she wants – what she needs – and now!" 

The quiet was interrupted only by birds.  "Do you know where she is?"

"Sorry.  I saw her leave the hut, but don't know where she was headed."

"Thanks, Ephiny.  If I ever behave like a big dumb warrior again, feel free to hit me right away."

"My pleasure," she smiled.

                                                                         * * * * *

Xena spent the rest of the afternoon looking for the bard.  One Amazon after another directed her to one place after the other; the baths, the healer's, back to the field, the meeting hall, and finally back to the hut.  'Maybe she wants privacy.  No – don't think – ask!  But I have to find her in order to ask.  I guess I'll just see her at dinner.'  She settled down to wait in the hut in case her friend returned before evening meal.

                                                                          * * * * *

As the Amazons gathered, Xena searched the hall for the strawberry blonde.  'Where can she be?'

"Xena!"  cried Ephiny running in waving a parchment.  "Xena, I found this in my hut!"

"What-"

"It's from Gabrielle giving me her right of caste!"  The two friends looked at each other as dread settled on both of them.  "We've got to find her fast before she does anything crazy.  I'll get a tracking party together.  It won't be easy in the dark, but-"

"It's all right, Ephiny, I can find her," she said confidently as she felt the warmth glowing inside her.  She raced out of the hall before the Amazon could say another word.

Xena didn't bother to look for tracks or signs, she ran at breakneck speed as if following a beacon in front of her.  A candlemark later she found the bard sitting quietly, oblivious to her surroundings, and holding a dagger.

'Artemis, help me to handle this correctly.'  Quietly she slipped from the trees and called lightly, "Gabrielle ….  Gabrielle."

Slowly the desolate woman turned and focused, "Xena?  What are you doing here?  How did you track me?"

"I didn't.  Artemis gave me a gift.  I'm linked to you.  I'll always to able to find you no matter where you go."

Dejectedly she asked, "Why would Artemis do that?"

"Because I prayed to her and asked for her help."

"You prayed ….  to a god?"

"I just wish I'd done it sooner and spared you all that pain." She said as she approached.

"Please stay there."  The warrior stopped.  "I want to be alone, Xena.  Please leave me alone."

She spoke as gently, but firmly as possible.  "I can't do that.  You're upset.  You have a dagger in your hand and until I know what's happening, I'm not moving."

The ache in her voice was apparent, "I'm finishing off what Jax started."  She raised the knife to her breast.

"No!"  The warrior was frozen in place, afraid to startle the woman, afraid not to take action.  "Please, just tell me why you want to do this."

"Because he was right.  No one will ever want me now."

"I want you," she said with all the tenderness she could show.

Lowering the knife, the bard began to chuckle with irony.  "That why you can't stand to be around me?  Can't even look at me?"

"I was afraid to-"

"You?  Afraid?  Right."

"Afraid I'd see blame and hate in your eyes."

Exhaustion weighed her down.  "Just leave, Xena."

"Gabrielle –", taking another step in.

"Don't."  Tensely tightening the grip on the dagger, "You'd say anything to stop me."

"I wouldn't lie to you."  The younger woman turned away.  "Who's avoiding now?"  She watched intently for any sign that would give her a clue as to how to help her friend.  "Tell me what you're thinking … what you're feeling."

The only sound was crickets in the night.  The warrior began to wonder if the bard had even heard her when her voice broke the stillness.  "Before I remembered everything I felt closer to you.  I was unaware of all your rules so I acted freely on whatever I felt.  I hugged you, I snuggled in your arms, I even kissed you.  And I was happy then.  Now I realize you tolerated all that because of your feelings of responsibility for me.  'Have to take care of the little girl from Potedeia, warrior's honor and all.'"  Tears were silently making their way down her cheeks.  "You've been trying to get rid of me – now's your chance."

"I was only afraid you'd get hurt riding with me," her voice breaking in defense.

"Ironic, isn't it?  It wasn't old enemies or some battle that did it.  Just a small ragtag traveling show."  The bard shuddered.  "Thank you for all you've done for me.  Now goodbye, Xena."  She raised the blade 'til it touched her skin.

"Wait!  Please … if you're determined to do this, I promise I won't interfere … if you'll grant me one last favor."  The young woman glanced at her.  "You know I can stop you if I want."  She nodded in agreement.  "Just grant my request," she pleaded taking a step forward and the bard stepped back.  Thinking quickly, the warrior knelt and placed her hands behind her back to show her harmlessness.  "I gave my word – no interference."  The bard nodded and stepped forward.  "Let me see the dagger."  She hesitated then lowered the blade in front of Xena's face.  She stared in confusion and disbelief as the warrior inched forward to place her own neck against the sharp dagger.  "Before you take your life, take mine first."  Blue eyes looked up imploring into green.  "You tried to trick Jax into killing you when you thought I was dead.  Said you couldn't live if I was dead.  I feel exactly the same.  I can't live without you, Gabrielle.  You give my life meaning.  You keep me on the path.  You help me control my dark side.  I actually enjoy waking the next day.  With you by my side, I have hope for the first time.  You take yourself away and you take away my hope.  I can't make it without you.  I need you.  I love you."

Eyes held eyes searching for a sign that some sort of connection had been made.  Finding none, the warrior leaned forward into the blade feeling it begin to bite, and blood trickle down.  Startled, it registered on the bard what she was doing.  Throwing the dagger as far away as possible, she sunk to her knees, wrapping the warrior in her arms, tears mingling together.

They held each other for over a candlemark, the big warrior cradling the small bard, rocking her gently 'til the crying faded.  Finally the cold of the night broke their embrace.  "Let me make a fire.  Don't want you catching a chill."  The strawberry blonde watched the efficient moves of her friend.  She found herself admiring the strength of those arms as they gathered stone and cut wood.  Soon it was ablaze and the warrior slipped behind the young woman to keep her back warm.  She began to rub her shoulders and neck, rubbing out the knots of stress and pain, feeling safe that this touching was acceptable.  'I don't want to let go of her.'

"Xena?"

"Yes, my sweet bard?"  'Oh gods, watch your mouth, warrior.'

"You don't have to rub my back."

"Oh."  She removed her hands and contented herself with merely being a backrest for her friend.

"What I meant," she began hesitantly, "is you don't have to rub my back as an excuse to touch.  I'd rather you just hold me – that is …. if you want to."

The warrior's heart lightened.  "I want to very much."  She wrapped her arms securely around the smaller woman stroking her arm.  The simple affection stirred emotions deep within the both of them.  She felt the bard's hand begin to timidly return the caress on her own muscular arm.  Leaning her head back against the warrior, she melted completely into her.  Xena buried her face into the sweet hair under her chin.  Then she felt Gabrielle's hand take hers.  Her thumb caressed her large palm, her fingers gently massaging the back of her hand.  The touch was feather light as the fingers traced her own.  The tracing continued as the fingers came around to draw circles in her palm and across her wrist.  Gingerly the bard's hands reached out to pull the wrist guard away, baring her arm.  Then the fingers continued their sweet torture, caressing, circling the palm, the fingers, the back of the hand, and halfway up her forearm.  'Gods!  I feel I've just been stripped naked.  She is taking me with this simple playing.  Does she even realize what she's doing to me?  Gods!'  Her breath caught in her throat, her heart beating wildly.  'Ok, warrior, get it under control.  Stop thinking of you – listen to her!'  Trying to calm her warring nerves, she focused on the woman in her arms.  "Oh gods, her breath is quick, too – I can feel her heart pounding.  She's in the same state I am.  I guess she does know what she's doing.'  The warrior relaxed, giving herself over to all the sensations coursing through her body.  The bard's hands never stopped, so incredibly slow and sensuous.  'If she keeps this up, I'm not going to be able to maintain control.  Gods!  I want to kiss her.'

Without realizing it, she was leaning forward, her mouth dangerously close to the pristine neck.  The pressure in her hand increased, the actions increasing in speed.  She felt the bard's cheek press against her own.  Ever so slowly the young woman's head began to turn to her, their foreheads touching, the mouths just inches apart, each tasting the other's breath as it came faster.  The fingers tightened their grip on her hand, kneading the fingers, hot with desire.

Gasping, the warrior spoke, her voice ragged, "We shouldn't."

The bard's lips almost touched her as she spoke, "Why?"

"It's not … right."

"Why?"

"I don't … want … to take … advantage."

"What if … I want you to?"

'Gods, does she have any idea what she's saying?!  Of course she does, but she doesn't know what it means to love a warrior."  "  You're confused … vulnerable."

"Ripe."

The warrior gasped as the lips came to rest on her own, not forcing, but definitely inviting.  Despite her better judgment, she responded, drowning in the sweetness.  Time stopped, the world disappeared, all that existed was this moment, these lips, the longing that flowed between them.  When they finally broke from that one single kiss, they collapsed into each other, breathing heavily.

"Gods, woman!"  the warrior gulped, "if you can do that to me with one kiss, I may not be able to survive any more."  She looked lovingly into the face which held her heart.  'What beautiful green eyes.  And her smile has returned.'  She brushed the bard's cheek with her hand.  They stayed, getting lost in each other's eyes.

The young woman's voice slipped into the air tenderly, "That was so perfect, I'm almost afraid to do more."

"Then let me just hold you through the night.  That's more than enough for me.  One thing though …"

"Yes?"

"Keep your hands still, otherwise I won't be held responsible."  The smallest giggle escaped the bard's lips as she snuggled down into her warrior for the night.

Chapter 12  

Ephiny smiled with joy and relief as she saw her two friends enter the village.  Running up to them, she threw her arm around her princess while holding out the other to the warrior.  "I'm so glad to see the both of you!"  She inspected them both, noting that Gabrielle seemed fine, but Xena looked a little worse for wear.  "Looks like you could use a visit to Nashala's hut, warrior." 

"The forest and I had a few disagreements on my way to find my bard."

Ephiny smiled at the possessiveness of the tall woman's words, then turned to her diminutive friend and took her hands.  "I'm going to the temple right now to give thanks to Artemis for you safe return."

They went on to the healer's hut who went about cleaning Xena's various scratches and cuts, applying healing salve.  "And how are you, my Princess?"

"Much better, thank you, Nashala."

"No more thoughts of running away?"

With embarrassment, she replied softly, "No."

"Wouldn't do her any good," the warrior chimed in.  "I think I've convinced her where she goes, I go.  Even to Tartarus."  For a moment the two were lost in each other's eyes, oblivious to the healer who watched intently."

"Princess, Warrior, I'm glad to see much healing happened last night."  The two blushed noticeably.  "Just remember, the wounds are fresh for both of you.  It will take very little for them to re-open.  So be patient with each other and above all, you must trust each other with your thoughts and feelings – all of them.  Don't censure yourselves, you understand?"  They both nodded, eyes still fixed on each other.  "If you will do this, you will both make it to the other side of this.  And give yourselves time.  There's no rush, all right??

"Yes, thank you, Nashala, for everything you've done for me."  She hugged the old woman, kissing her on the cheek before they left.

                                                                      * * * * *

The next day was greeted with joy because the night had been without nightmares.  The smaller woman had spent the entire night wrapped securely in the strong arms of her warrior.  'My warrior.  That's what she is,' she thought watching Xena pack Argo in preparation for the journey.  'And she's so beautiful.  How did I get so lucky?'  She continued to watch with a goofy smile on her face.  The tall woman turned to catch the bard staring.  "What?"

"Just watching my big beautiful warrior."  Xena humphed, returning to her work, smiling happily to herself.

With good-byes and hugs all around, they were soon on their way.  Gabrielle rode behind the dark woman, arms contentedly wrapped around her.  The day passed in companionable silence, both women content just to feel the body next to them.

After dinner and chores were completed, they sat together looking into the fire, hands gently playing again.  'How can the touch of this small hand in such innocence set me so on fire?  The bard turned in her arms and reached up for the warrior's face.  They came together so slowly it seemed Time itself might be altered.  In the sweetness of the kiss, the bard's hand gently slid down the warrior's cheek, down her neck coming to rest on her soft chest.  She felt the woman's breathing increase rapidly.  Her hand slid lower stopping at the top of the leathers, but letting her fingers probe down.  Instead of meeting bare skin, her fingers caressed a small leather pouch.  Curious, she pulled from the kiss, asking, "Xena, what's this?"

Without a word the warrior pulled the pouch from its resting place, and withdrew the piece within.  "It's the chain I got you," the bard smiled happily.

"I've kept it there from the first so it would be close to my heart."

"Why not just wear it?"  The warrior looked embarrassed, lowering her eyes.  "What?  The great warrior princess doesn't wear jewelry?" she teased.

"That's not it."

"Then what?"  she prodded.

Hesitantly she replied, "I didn't feel worthy to wear such a beautiful symbol of …. of your caring.  Not after how I'd treated you." 

The young woman looked at the sadness in her friend's eyes.  Without another word she took the delicate chain from her hand.  "You're right.  You can't wear this as a symbol of my caring.  That would be a lie."  The warrior's heart stopped.  "You must wear it as a symbol of my love," she crooned as she placed it around the warrior's neck and kissed the spot where it laid on her skin.  Then looking up into her eyes, she kissed her fully, passionately. 

"Before I knew who I was, I kissed you.  You remember that?"  The dark woman nodded.  "I knew I belonged with you even then.  You were the one who was hesitant.  Now I have my memories -–all of them and I want to kiss you even more.  I love you, Xena, more than you can know, but I have a question.  "  She watched the young woman studying her so intently.  "  And I want the truth."

"Have I ever-"  She stopped abruptly looking at the arch of the brow of her friend.  "Well … sometimes to protect-"  Another look as the arms crossed.  "I promise – the truth," she gave in.

"Thank you.  All this affection, the kissing, the touches," she faltered a moment, fearful of the answer.  "Are you allowing it out of misplaced guilt or do you want to touch me?"  There  - it was out in the open.  She braced herself.

Surprised at the question, she spoke, "You're asking now?"

"I was just so relieved to be in your arms finally, I didn't question.  But now …. Now it's occurred to me I'm always the one who initializes everything.  So I began to think … And I know how you are when you feel guilty.  You'd do anything to fix it, right?"  She stared at her friend unflinchingly though apprehension was apparent in her eyes.

"I'd do almost anything.  Pretending to love you would only make things worse.  Everything we've done, I've wanted.  And that's the truth."

"Then why do you never …" she trailed off.

"Why do I let you be the aggressor?  Gabrielle, you've been through so much.  I didn't want to rush anything.  I thought it best to let you lead."

"I was thinking you didn't really want me."

"Never!"  she breathed as she wrapped her arms around the young woman, kissing her fiercely.

When they separated, Gabrielle lost herself in the deep blue before her.  "Guess this is what Nashala meant by sharing all our feelings uncensored."

"You know I'm not good with words.  Those are your department.  I may have difficulty starting a talk, but if you begin, I promise to participate."

"All right."  A breath.  "Then I have another question."  Xena rolled her eyes causing the woman in her lap to giggle.  "Be serious," she said poking her gently.  The warrior straightened up putting on her best thoughtful face.  "I believe in love, Xena."

"I know."

"Well … I can't have casual sex.  Not that we've even gotten close, but I just want you to know that sex itself isn't really important to me.  And I realize that you've had a lot of experience and physical may be enough for you – which I would understand.  And anyway I have no experience and I'm sure you have certain needs so-"  She halted abruptly as her friend placed a finger over her lips to stop her, then released her.  "I'm rambling."

"Yep."

She looked at the big strong woman sheepishly, unable to continue for the moment.  "Gabrielle, sex is about power.  That's how I've always used it.  But you mean so much more to me.  I don't want to just have sex with you.  I want to make love.  When you're ready and not before."

"What if I'm never ready?  What if I can't …?"

"Don't worry.  You can.  It'll just take time.  And, believe it or not, I can wait."

Holding the woman's face in her hands, she smiled lovingly, "Do you know how much I love you, my big strong warrior?"

"Do you know how much I love it when you do that?"  she smiled in pleasure.

"Do what?"

"Say 'my' warrior.  It makes me feel safe, knowing that I belong to you.

Awareness filtered into the green eyes.  "You do, don't you?"

"Heart and soul."

Chapter 13

The two women slipped back into their old routine with the added spice of their mutual love.  Swimming and baths tended to take longer now with much fun and frolicking.  Though the campfire still held the sounds of  whetstone and quill scratching, those times were often cut short in favor of other activities.  Nightmares were almost unheard of now.  And the staff swung beside the sword as forcibly as ever.  The bantering continued now with double meaning, but there was also insightful interaction like never before.  The bard almost couldn't believe this was the same silent brooding warrior she had begun her journeys with.

Xena caught her staring again.  "What?" she feigned fierceness.

"I just like looking at you."

The warrior fidgeted.  As much as she loved the bard's verbal affection, it also caused her embarrassment.  "There's a festival in Balin.  We could take a little detour and go if you like?"

"Really?!" 

The excitement in those green eyes always melted her heart.  "I know better than to joke about something like that with my bard.  You up for it?"

"Of course."  She grabbed the arm that had been offered and bounded up onto Argo.

Soon they were in the village with activity everywhere.  Music filled the air along with sweet smells and children's laughter.  They went from booth to booth sampling different foods, looking at merchandise, even participating in activities around the square.  The two companions were more relaxed than they'd been in moons when a familiar voice filtered through.

"Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!  We'll be back after a short break."

Rage filled the warrior in seconds, her blood pounding in her head, every muscle bracing for attack.  The bard, however, was filled with dread, her face went white, sweat broke out, her knees threatened to buckle.  "Xena …" the warrior almost missed the plaintive cry.  "Please …"  Her breathing was rapid, her hands reached up gripping the tall woman's breastplate.  Finally the warrior brought her focus down to the young woman leaning on her for support.  "Get me out of here … please."  For a moment Xena struggled with herself between wanting to rip Jax apart and protect Gabrielle.  Her love won out as she put an arm around her waist, guiding her out of the village.

Once past the gates, they found a shaded area to sit and catch their breath.  Xena looked at the bard as emotions continued to war within.  Noting the pale color of the younger woman, she shoved her head between her knees instructing her to breathe slowly.  Long moments passed before a voice spoke, "I think I'm ok now.  Xena, could you let me up please?"

"Oh – sorry.  How're you doing?"

"I'm fine … really."

"Good.  Stay here.  I'll be right back."  She started to rise, but Gabrielle grabbed her wrist.  She looked down into green pools that begged her to remain.  The warrior's heart was breaking as she gazed at the fragile creature before her.

"I know you want to avenge me, but you can't just go in there swinging.  People wouldn't understand.  They'd think it's just another crazed warlord.  And you know how charming Jax is, the crowd might even turn on you."

"I don't care.  He has to pay for what he did to you."

The bard took a deep breath, steadying herself and making a decision.  "You're right of course."  She rose slowly, pulling herself up and squaring her shoulders.  "But I'm the one who has to do it."

"Gabrielle, no!"

"Xena …. You know I'm right."  The warrior tried desperately to come up with an argument to dissuade her, but  could think of none.  With sadness, she nodded in agreement.  "Good.  Now let's find the village magistrate and do this."

                                                                          * * * *

"And now my friends I will need a volunteer.  A pretty young lady is preferable," he smiled as the audience laughed.

"Will I do?"

He turned to watch as the strawberry blonde slowly ascended the steps to the makeshift stage, staff still in hand.  His eyes flickered with fear.  He turned away to escape only to face the warrior coming up the steps on the opposite side.  Composing himself, he noticed her sword was still sheathed and she wasn't advancing on him.  Turning back to the bard, the smile returned to his lips.  "Well, well, well … so good to see you again.  Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Gabrielle, Bard of Potedeia."  The woman ignored the crowd's applause keeping her eyes on the tricky man before her.  "She also happens to be an Amazon Princess.  Hard to believe, huh?  Such a little thing, no bigger than a bug!"  He lashed the word at her as his eyes grew hard.  The woman froze, shaking, but met his gaze.  The warrior's anger was almost uncontrollable as she took a step.  Noticing her friend's movement, she called out, "Xena, stay!"  There was no smile in the words.  It was a command not to be argued with.

Then the bard moved forward deliberately and called to the crowd while keeping her eyes locked on Jax.  "This man is a thief.  While your attention is on the show, an accomplice moves among you relieving you of your purses."  There was a murmur as folks checked for their money.  "But that's not all.  He's a kidnapper."  More murmurings.  "And when he has his victims helpless, he rapes!"  The crowd's hostility was growing.  "I suggest you surrender yourself to the magistrate while you can, Jax."

"Or what, little bug?  Are you going to take me down?  You?  The nothing?  The worthless slave?  The damaged piece of meat?!" his eyes sparkled with cruelty.

"You had your chance."  She lunged, staff swinging.  Jax pulled out a sword hidden behind a box and grabbed the chakram from his belt.  He blocked her first blow and immediately went into attack mode.  He continued his verbal taunts in an attempt to shake her.  But Gabrielle was too focused to be so easily swayed.  She parried each thrust and was soon driving him back.  The warrior smiled with fierce pride watching her love battle not only this piece of scum, but also her own personal demons.  Then she gasped as Jax got in a lucky swipe with the chakram, cutting Gabrielle's shoulder. 

But her friend kept fighting, too lost in the battle to notice or perhaps inspired by it to push harder.  With renewed force the staff smacked hard into his stomach, then spinning sharply, she slammed him on the back.  He fell to the floor where the Amazon kicked so hard he flipped onto his back.  Roughly she placed her staff at his throat.  The crowd cheered and egged her on to finish him off.  But the warrior prayed her friend would resist.  'That's not who you are, Gabrielle.  Please don't.'

Candlemarks seem to go past as she held her stance pushing slightly into his windpipe.  Then suddenly the staff swung around in an arc to knock him into oblivion.  Reaching down, she took the chakram from his limp hand.  "And this belongs to my friend."  She tossed the weapon to the warrior who was ready to burst with pride.  Then she called, "Magistrate, this piece of garbage is all yours."  Turning away the Amazon left, warrior following behind content to be the sidekick.

                                                                     * * * * *

Under the stars that evening a peace settled over their camp that kept big smiles on both their faces.  "Have I told you how incredible you were today?" she asked as she checked the stitches on her friend's shoulder.

"Only six or seven times, but I like hearing it."  Gabrielle felt the salve being gently rubbed into the stitches and then the bandage being pulled back into place.  "Hey, no kiss first to make it better?" she teased.

"I'm afraid if I start I won't be able to stop after what I saw today."

"Who wants you to stop?"

"Gabrielle, seriously, I don't think I could stop tonight.  I really want you."

"Good.  Cause I want you, too," she whispered as she leaned in placing a kiss on the warrior's neck.

"Gabrielle?"

"For once, don't talk.  We have important things to do tonight.  Like getting to know each other properly … intimately."

"You don't have to do this."

"I know I don't.  Xena, I want to do this.  I want this more than my words.  For the first time I actually feel free that I might be able to have what I want."  Taking a deep breath, she continued, "Facing … that bastard today was terrifying.  I really didn't know if I could stand up to him.  But I knew if I didn't, I would never be able to have you.  And by the gods, I want you."

"What do you want, little one?" she smiled with adoration.

"I want to touch every inch of you.  I want to pleasure you, to fill you, to make you cry.  I want you to be able to do the same to me.  I want to feel you around me, on me, in me so completely I can't breathe.  I want to know what release is and I want it with you."

The passion in the green pools burned deeply into the blue.  "It shall be as you command, my Princess."

"No.  Not for the Princess – or even for your friend.  And not for my command or even my desire."

The warrior smiled warmly at the beautiful woman before her in understanding.  "For what we both desire, it will be so tonight … my love."

And so it was that night and all nights to follow.

End

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