ForevaXena's FanFic . . .

Mice In The Attic

by MomBard

Disclaimers:  Don’t need them.  These characters are mine and mine alone!

Well, I’m back again. Last time we spoke I told you about a day in my life. Today I would like to share a different kind of story with you...

Now mind you, I have been accused of having bats in my bell free. Which I might add is totally incorrect.  What I do have are mice in my attic!  That’s right a freakin’ colony!! How they got there and why they chose my attic is something I am at a loss to explain, except I am the lucky one. Right!

When I first heard the noise I figured we had a squirrel in the attic, and wanting to be humane we called a guy to remove the squirrel with out harming it.  The cost of this was two hundred and seventy five dollars.  My hero nearly dropped dead when he heard the price, but if that’s what had to be that’s what had to be. 

So in came Greg and his dad.  Ready to save me from the evil squirrel that dared to live in my attic.  Greg was up in the attic for maybe 10 minutes looking around and then climbed down with a happy smile on his face.

"You’ll be happy to know that you don’t have a squirrel!" he says as he stands there with that smile on his face.

"Uh, just a minute I say.  We both heard something jumping around up there. What could it be?"

"Mice."

"Mice?" we both said in unison. 

"Yep, Mice.  And from the droppings...I’d say lots of’em." He was still smiling.

I am not smiling. I’m getting ready to move to a hotel until this problem is resolved.

"Where are you going?" my hero asked as I took the suitcase out of the closet and proceeded to throw clothes in it.

"I’m going to a hotel. You know how I hate mice, rats, gerbils or any other rodents. Ugh! See ya, big boy!"

Stop that and get serious!" as he leaves the bedroom to see how much it is going to cost us.

"I’ll give ya serious." I say under my breath. I head into the living room after him.

He goes into the living room where Mr. Happy is still smiling.  Why shouldn’t he smile? He didn’t have to do anything and is going to get money for it as well! 

"Okay!  How much do I owe you?" My hero asks Mr. Happy.

"Twenty-five dollars." I could almost hear my hero thinking...’Hmm, that sounds reasonable.’

"Listen, I have someone you could call.  He is a good exterminator and will do right by you. He has integrity!" The happy squirrel guy said.

"Fine. Give me his phone number and I’ll call as soon as you leave.  Thanks for your help."  Mr. Happy and his dad leave and I am in the living room looking at my hero with a very pissed off expression.

"What?  It’s not my fault."

"Get real, Stewy. It’s always your fault!"

****

My hero calls the exterminator with integrity and tells him our problem.  Gets a price of three hundred dollars, and I think he is going to drop dead again.  (My hero is tight with a buck.) I’m not sure I am enjoying this new complexion.  Red!  Yeah. Yeah, it looks good on him.

Anyway he makes an appointment with Mr. integrity (the killer of mice) for the next day. I make sure I am there for this meeting. After the introductions were over my hero explained what Greg had told us.  Joe (Mr. Integrity) goes up in the attic and then comes right down.  Couldn’t have been up there more than five minutes, and this... is costing me three hundred dollars. 

"Well I saw lots of droppings but no mice. They are either outside or hiding."  (Greg forgot to mention this guy was a rocket scientist also!)

"Um...Joe?  How are we going to resolve this problem?  This whole thing is skiving me out." My hero said.

"Well I am goin’ to look around the house and see if there are any holes or openings that they could be getting in from and then I’m going to put these packets around the attic.  It will take about 4 or 5 days to get rid of them.  Don’t close the holes up so once they eat this stuff they can get out when it makes them thirsty."

"Now I’m concerned and my Xena side kicks in.  (As my daughter can attest to...I can become quite the warrior when provoked.)

I go up to him, and I can see he looks nervous because I am in his personal space, and say...

"I don’t want to make them thirsty.  I want to get rid of them permanently!"

"Uh! That’s what I meant." And he looks over to my hero for help.

"Okay, Joe.  We’ll see you in a couple of weeks when you come and check this out." Stewy said as he is walked him to the door.

****

Three days go by and I still hear those little varmints scurrying around up there. Only now there is a new twist to my mouse saga.  They are somewhere over the kitchen and in the wall of the kitchen by the refrigerator and I can hear them chewing away and banging into the light switch box in the wall. It is very disconcerting.  Not only are they noisy. They are clumsy to boot! 

But hey! I’m an adult, right? I can handle this. Riiight! The guy said it would take four or five days till they went to mouse heaven or hell. At this point I don’t give a @#$% which, so I will be patient. Just one more day!

Next night I’m home from work and starting to get dinner ready and I go to the pantry in the kitchen.  What’s that you say?  Did I see a mouse?  No. I didn’t see a mouse. What I saw made me want to throw up.  Everything that was not in cans or jars was eaten into and some things were completely devoured. 

There were mouse droppings and shreds of every box and plastic bag I had in the pantry. All this happened in one day. Because I go to that pantry every single day! And it was fine yesterday.

They loved the cornmeal, cereal, barley, grated cheese and every God damn thing in there...except the Three Alarm Chile packets! THEY DON’T LIKE CHILE!

Did I scream? No. Did I rant and rave at Stewy? No.  I simply went into our office and spoke rather calmly.  "Come into the kitchen. NOW!" I said.  Well usually my hero would ask a million questions as to why he had to follow me. This time, he must have seen the look on my face and followed. When he saw the pantry his face turned a shade of green I have never seen before.

"Oh my God!" He looked at me in horror.  "What the hell happened?"

"Hello! We’ve been attacked by those @#$%&%$ MICE!  That’s what happened.  Now find the @#$%&%$ hole and fill it in with steel wool.  But first let me clean the damn pantry out and sterilize it!" 

Two hours and three garbage cans later I was finished and Stewy was on the ladder with a flashlight looking for the damn hole.  Eureka!  My hero found the hole.  They came thru the ceiling in the pantry.  He stuffed it with steel wool. Put tape over it and then proceeded to do the same in the bathroom under the sink and under the sink in the kitchen. Every opening outside was sealed as well. This was war!  And they were going to lose.  Ayyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!

He called Joe and told him what had happened. Joe was just "amazed" that the six poison packets hadn’t done the job and amazed at what happened to my pantry.

Needless to say Joe came over the next day and did what he should have done in the first place...  He put many more packets around up there and down in the basement just in case they somehow managed to get from the attic to the basement.  This time Stewy didn’t stop me when I got in Joe’s face. And in my best Xena imitation (feral smile and all) said to him...

"I want them Dead!  Kill’em all, Joe!" Not only does Joe think I am a psycho, but Stewy does as well! You would think after all these years Stewy would know for sure.

Well, two days have passed so far and nary a sound has been heard. The pantry has not been raided and all’s well with my world.  For now!

 

THE END

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