ForevaXena's FanFic . . .

AAACHOOOO!

by MomBard

February 19, 2001

Disclaimers: Don’t need them. This story is mine. The characters in this story are based on real events as they were told to me.

Language: Yes. But we are tawkin’ New Yawk here! (bg!)

Thanks: to Val, Mike, Marissa, Christopher and the Birthday boy--Michael. Without them this story couldn’t have been written.

It was January 8^th, and I was returning home from work. I was very happy this night. It was my son Michael’s seventeenth birthday and we were going out to celebrate with the family for dinner.

It had been snowing off and on all week so the ground was covered in a white carpet. It was very windy as I got out of the car and started walking up the path to my front door.

Suddenly I was hit by a gust of wind. It caused me to sneeze.  I sneezed so hard that my four thousand dollar bridgework came flying out of my mouth. I don’t have to tell you that I was shocked that this happened. I couldn’t believe it! I stood there with the rain coming down - oh yes the rain - it had started to rain as I drove up to my house. To continue...It was raining and there I stood toothless...well almost toothless...in shock and starting to panic because I couldn’t find my ‘teeth’.  It’s almost impossible to find white teeth on white snow.

"Help me!" I yelled as I was scrambling on all fours looking wildly for my teeth. "Oh my God! Oh my God! What the hell am I gonna do now. Four thousand dollars! Argh!" Again ... I yelled for my wife and sons to come and help me but no one came.

"Thon of a Bitcth! Will thomeone pleasth @#$%$#’ HELP ME!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. No family, no neighbors... nothing, nada, zippo! 

I finally got up and ran into the house. I needed reinforcements and I wanted to yell my bloody head off because no one heard me yelling out there for help!

"Thonofbicth! Doth any one hear me yellin fah help out there?" ‘Shit! I sound like a toothless ninety- year- old man.’ "Goddamnit ta hell!"

My wife, Val, and her sister, Marissa, looked at me like I had finally lost it, and my two sons, Michael and Christopher, were going about their business like this was just another happy evening at our house.

"Mike! What are talking about and why are you talking so funny? Have you been partying with the guys?" She said to me with a scowl on her face.

"Whath’s the matter wif you? Can’t you see I have no teef?  I sneezed and my bwidgework fu out of my mouf.  Now come on and help me find it. Hurry, get a fwashwight!" I said as I ran back outside on my quest to find my missing bridgework.

There I was on all fours. In the pouring rain, when my wife came out of the house with the smallest flashlight we own and handed it to me...

"This is it?" I said looking at this little flashlight.

"Yeah. It’s the only one I can find," my wife said.

All of us are crawling around looking for my teeth, and the flashlight is about as useful as a used condom!  This fiasco goes on for another thirty minutes with the rain pouring down on us. 

Then I suddenly remember. The floodlight! I sent the boys into the house to get it. Finally. Light! So there we all were still crawling around looking for my teeth. Only this time we have light.

We are all so intent on finding the Goddamn teeth, that no one noticed the door wasn’t closed and the dog runs out of the house and down the street.

My wife started to chase him, but I stopped her.

"Firth things firth, Val. My teef and then that mangy muth," I growl.

"But..." she begins... I put up my hand in a stop motion and we proceeded with the quest. I could see she was getting more pissed by the moment. But I didn’t care. I wanted my TEETH!

My sister-in-law, Marissa was just about ready to kill me... if she could stop laughing long enough to try!  Note to self...be afraid...be very afraid.

Then I got this bright idea!  Water. Hot water.

"Val!  Go get poths of hot water so we can melth the sthnow so’s I can find my Goddamn teef," I commanded. Val looked up at me like I was the stupidest man in creation and said...

"It’s pouring rain and you want me to get more WATER!  Are you @#$%%$^’ crazy?"

"Nooo! I’m not. Justh get it. It, will melth the sthnow and then I will find my Goddamn teef. Suddenly my teeth had a new title in front of them. They would forever be known as ‘Goddamn teeth’ from this day on.

How could she fight the logic?  She grabbed my son Chris by the arm and went into the house to get the hot water. All the time mumbling something under her breath.  Out she and Chris came, with the hot water. Pouring it on the ground here and there trying to melt the snow. And it is still pouring rain. I was getting on my wife’s last nerve and I didn’t care. I wanted my TEETH BACK! 

Marissa kept on laughing.

Well a half hour has passed and we still haven’t found my teeth.

I was defeated! We were packing it in. 

The floodlight is off and was being put where it belonged. The pots were in the sink and the boys were back in the house trying to dry off.  Val and Marissa are going to try and find the dog, as soon as they change their clothes.

And me...I am so upset that this is going to cost me another four thousand dollars. I hang my head as I walk up the path to the house... ‘What’s that?’ I ask myself as I see something glinting in the moonlight. Yahoo! My Teeth! I found my teeth. I am ecstatic...I look around and I am alone. I could yell, but why bother? They wouldn’t hear me anyway.

At that moment Val and Marissa came out of the house going to look for the dog. They saw the happy look in my face.

"You found your bridge?" Val asked eagerly.

"Yeth. I thure am lucky. Come on I’ll help ya find thath mangy muth."

Well, two hours later the dog and my teeth were retrieved. Val had to give the dog a bath because he was caked in mud. He was a happy dog. He went to visit his doggy girlfriend. At least he got some. That wasn’t happening for me tonight.

We were going to go out for dinner, but that was out because it was nine in the evening by now and we were all tired, soaked through and very hungry.  We ended up with Italian takeout.

We sat around the table-- looked at each other-- and started laughing at the fiasco that was my quest for my teeth. This went on all night.  I am not quite sure if Marissa was laughing with me or at me though... I will never know.

 

THE END

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