ForevaXena's FanFic . . .

A Day In The Life Of The Flying Circus

by Lead Fox

DISCLAIMER: All the characters in this story belong to MCA/Universal.  The dialogue/events/routines have been shamelessly (shamelessly, I say!) satirized for your reading pleasure.  Nearly every word these folks say is borrowed or inspired by the members of Monty Python’s Flying Circus’ TV series, movies or highly successful song career.

SUBTEXT WARNING: Guess what?  These gals are a couple.  There’s nothing in here worse than what you see on TV anyway, but be warned that there are (gasp) lesbian references.  But, no, I resisted using an interpretation of "Sit On My Face" (though, gods damn it, I sure did want to!)

PYTHON WARNING: While I think the skits/scenes can be enjoyed by all (irregardless of their Python knowledge), those who are not very familiar with Monty Python’s hilarious songs should probably skip "Something Completely Pointless", as it won’t make any sense.

[White Lettering on Black Screen ]

Romani Ite Domum
(aka Gabrielle Stirs Up Apathy)

[SCENE OPENS on interior of a half-empty (half-full for your optimists) tavern in yet another isolated town in Greece.  Most of the people are drunk.  MEG is in attendance among them.  At the bar, JOXER sits, milking a cup of ale. The attention of the room, however, is on GABRIELLE, who is standing on a table lecturing to patrons about the dangers of the imposing Roman empire.  XENA stands behind her, eyeing the crowd to keep them in control. ]

GABRIELLE: (with passion )

   Now I don’t want to labor the point, but consider it people!  Do you really want them killing and crucifying us?  Ruling us with an iron fist?  We pay them dues and give them the benefits of our crops, and what have they ever given us in return?

DRUNK #1: (sheepishly raising hand )

     The aqueduct?

GABRIELLE:

     What?

DRUNK #1: (repeating, more bravely )

     The Romans, they gave us the aqueduct.

GABRIELLE:

     Oh. Yeah, yeah. So they did give us that, that's true.

DRUNK #2:

     And the sanitation.

MEG:

     Oh, yeah, the sanitation’s been great, Gab. Remember what the city used to be like?

GABRIELLE:

     No, I’ve never been here before.  But okay, all right, the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans have done.

DRUNK #3:

     And the roads.

GABRIELLE: (exasperated )

     Well of course the roads. Obviously.  I mean, the roads go without saying.  But other than the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads--

DRUNK #2:

     Irrigation?

DRUNK #1:

     Medicine.

DRUNK #3:

     Education!

GABRIELLE: (shouting to be heard )

     Okay, okay, that’s something else.  But we had medicine...!

DRUNK #1:

     And the public baths.

[XENA glances up to GABRIELLE with a very significant look ]

GABRIELLE:

    Alright, baths, too.

DRUNK #3:

     And it is safe to walk in the streets at night now.

MEG:

     Oh yeah.  They certainly know how to keep order, the Romans.  And let's face it: they're the only ones who could in a place like this.

[DRUNKS laugh.  XENA raises an eyebrow and leers.  The room quiets quickly.]

MEG:

    Okay, so maybe not the only  ones.

GABRIELLE: (very frustrated, speaking quickly )

     Fine!  All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever  done for us?

[Pause ]

DRUNK #1: (sheepishly, raising hand )

     Brought peace?

[Room murmurs, which raises to laughter in approval ]

GABRIELLE: (using all her energy to keep composure )

     Aaargh!  I give up!

[She gets down from the table and XENA pats her on the back.]

XENA:

  Tough room.  Come on, let’s go work on your fighting skills.

[SCENE OUT ]

[White Lettering on Black Screen]

Joxer The Mighty, Wink Wink
(aka Where Do Little Bartenders Come From?)

[SCENE UP on interior of tavern.  JOXER is still drinking his single ale.  MEG comes over and moves her body flirtatiously.  She whispers something in his ear, which prompts him to drain his cup in one drink.  MEG laughs and leaves the tavern and JOXER watches her exit.  He signals to BARTENDER for another drink.  As the BARTENDER fills his order, JOXER attempts to start conversation.]

JOXER:

  'Evening, Bartender!

BARTENDER: (brushing him off )

   Hey there.

JOXER:

   Say, bartender, is, uh,...Is your wife a go-er? Know what I mean, know what I mean? Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more, say no more?

BARTENDER: (glancing around )

   What in Hades are you talking about?

JOXER:

   Your, wife, does she go? You know, does she go?

BARTENDER: (getting more annoyed )

   Seriously, pal, what are you talking about?

JOXER:

   Yeah, I bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, wink wink?

BARTENDER:

   Are you sick?

JOXER:

   Oh sick, that’s good, that’s good, I get you.  A nod’s as good as a wink to a blind bat!

BARTENDER: (moves bottle away )

    That does it, you’re not getting any more to drink.

JOXER:

   Not getting any, not getting any!  I follow!  Not like your wife I bet, eh? Say no more, no more!

BARTENDER:

   You know, I’m going to kick you out of here in a second!

JOXER:

   Kick me out, very good, very good.  I smell what you’re cooking there, eh?  Nudge, nudge, wink wink?

BARTENDER:

   Why do you keep doing that with your eye?  Are you trying to play some kind of game?

JOXER:

   Like games, eh? Thought your wife might.  Likes games, eh? She's been around a bit, been around?

BARTENDER:

   I hope you mean traveling.  In which case, yes.  She’s from Ithica.

JOXER:

   Ithica!  Well, SAY NO MORE!!

BARTENDER: (fed up )

   No, you  say no more.  Get out of my tavern!

JOXER:

   No, wait!  Wait!

BARTENDER:

   What?

JOXER:

   You and your wife...do you...you know...?

BARTENDER:  (leering )

   Look, are you suggesting something?

JOXER:

   Me?  Oh no, no, no no...yes!

BARTENDER:

   Well, what?

JOXER:

   Well, you're a man of the world, right?

BARTENDER:

   Yes...

JOXER:

   I mean, you've been around, you know, like, you've, uh.... You've "done it"....

BARTENDER:

   What do you mean?

JOXER:

   Well, I mean....you've slept  with a lady....

BARTENDER: (sighing )

   Yes....?

JOXER:

   What's it like?

[BARTENDER opens mouth to speak when...]

XENA: (off-screen )

    Hey Joxer!  Come over here, I need your help with something!

JOXER:  (to BARTENDER )

    I’ll be back!

[Trots to back of tavern to join XENA and GABRIELLE ]

[BARTENDER rolls eyes and continues wiping counter ]

[SCENE OUT ]

[White Lettering on Black Screen]

Xena Gives Lessons In Self-Defense
(aka The Warrior And The Watermelon)

[SCENE UP on the interior of the tavern.  XENA and GABRIELLE are in the corner, GABRIELLE is sitting on a bench looking  very bored.  XENA is standing in front of her, taking her task  very seriously.  She has a bag whose contents have not yet been revealed.]

XENA:

   Okay, now for our next lesson in self-defense.

GABRIELLE: (groans )

   Okay.

XENA:

   Tonight we’ll pick up where we left off last week when I was showing you how to defend yourself against anyone who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit.

GABRIELLE:  (sighing )

   Xena, you promised we wouldn't do fruit this week.

XENA:

   What do you mean?

GABRIELLE:

   We've done fruit the last nine weeks.  The season’s almost halfway over.  Can’t we learn something else?

XENA:

    Something else?

GABRIELLE:

   Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?

XENA:

A pointed stick? Gabrielle, when I first started learning how to be a good warrior, I had to start from scratch and work my way up.  Now if you want to learn how to defend yourself with a pointed stick, that’s fine.  But when you're walking back to the campfire tonight and some homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me!

GABRIELLE: (sighing )

   Fine.

JOXER:

   Hey, whadya need me for?

XENA:

   Hold on (back to GABRIELLE ) Okay, now the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit...

GABRIELLE:

   We’ve already done passion fruit, Xena.

XENA:

   We have?

GABRIELLE:

   Yes.  We’ve done oranges, dates, quinces, grapefruit, pomegranates, grapes, passion fruit, lemons, plums...

XENA:

   How about cherries?

GABRIELLE:

   Yes, we did those, too.

XENA:

   Red and  black?

GABRIELLE:

   Yes!

XENA:

   What about bananas?

[GABRIELLE groans and shakes her head ]

XENA:

Aha! [She pulls a banana out of her bag and turns to JOXER ] Here, hold this. (back to GABRIELLE ) Right:  bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana.  Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First you force him to drop the banana; then, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. And you will have then rendered him helpless.

JOXER:

   Wow.  That’s amazing.

XENA: (triumphantly )

   Thanks.  I have many  skills.

JOXER:

   But suppose he’s got a bunch of bananas?

GABRIELLE: (muttering )

   Suppose he’s got a pointed stick.

XENA:

   Quiet the both of you.  Now Joxer, come at me with that banana.

[JOXER holds the banana like a knife and rushes at XENA, yelling.  XENA whips out her Chakram and lets it fly.  It lands solidly in JOXER’s chest and he falls dead, instantly.  XENA calmly walks over and picks up the banana and peals it.]

XENA:

   And now, I eat the banana. [eats it ]

GABRIELLE:

    He’s dead!

XENA: (finishing the banana )

    I have now eaten the banana. The deceased attacker is now helpless!

[SCENE OUT ]

[White Lettering on Black Screen]

And Now, For Something Completely Pointless
(aka Ares Shows Up Right On Cue)

[SCENE UP on interior of bar.  Moments after XENA finishes her banana.]

GABRIELLE:

   Xena, you killed him!

XENA: (defensively )

   He was attacking me with a banana!

GABRIELLE:

   Because you told him to!

XENA:

   Oh yeah. (chuckles )

GABRIELLE:

   Why are you laughing?

XENA:

   Can’t you see the humor in this?

GABRIELLE:

   What?

XENA:

   Well, you’re the one who says to always look on the bright side of life.

GABRIELLE:

   You just killed our friend! Have you no respect for the meaning of life?

XENA:

    Is this going to be like the same speech you gave me in Britannia when I killed that bravely bold Sir Robin?

GABRIELLE:

   Will it lead to another of your erotic flashbacks of Lao Ma?

XENA:

   Hey, I like Chinese.

GABRIELLE:

   Maybe we could both take some life lessons from Autolycus.

XENA:

   Oh gods, no.  The last we need to hear right now is Bruce’s philosopher song!

[ARES appears in a flash of light ]

XENA:

   Well, if it isn’t all things dull and ugly.

ARES:

   Hello ladies.  Xena, I was just here to remind you that my offer still stands to impregnate you.  Just think about it, every sperm is sacred.

XENA: (under breath to GABRIELLE )

   Well, isn’t it awfully nice to have a penis.

ARES:

   Hey, I heard that!  Sorry I couldn’t phrase it more eloquently, I’m not Noel Coward, after all.

XENA and GABRIELLE:

    Who?

ARES:

   Oh forget it.  Here, I’ll give you your friend back.

[Revives JOXER and disappears in a flash of light ]

GABRIELLE:

   There he goes: Ares the half a (beep)

JOXER:

   Hey, I’m alive again!  Oh, and I’ve got muddy knees!

XENA:

   Just be happy you’ve got two legs.

JOXER:

   Sorry.  Well, next stop: Meg’s house and then it’s on to climb the twin peaks of Mt. Olympus!

XENA: (shaking head )

   Men, men, men. [watches JOXER waddle out the door in his kitchenware ] I swear, you should have to register a walk that silly.

GABRIELLE:

   Okay, well I’m going to get some food from the shop across the way before we leave town.

[XENA looks out the door at the store across the street.  Its sign reads: CHEESE SHOP ]

XENA:

   Oh good, and get some feta while you’re at it.

GABRIELLE:

   They don’t have any feta.

XENA:

   That  store doesn’t have any feta?

GABRIELLE:

   Or Kashkaval, or Kasseri, or Gjetost or Ricotta.

XENA:

   Well, it’s not a very good cheese shop, is it?  [GABRIELLE shakes her head ]

GABRIELLE:

    Apparently not.

XENA:

   So what do they have?

GABRIELLE:

   Spam!

[SCENE OUT ]

[White Lettering on Black Screen]

Gabrielle Haggles The Shop-Keep
(aka Gabrielle Gets Something For Nothing)

[SCENE UP on interior of the slightly sub-standard Cheese Shop.  There are no cheeses visible, but there are a few barrels of olives, full wineskins, hanging garlic, etc.  The SHOP-KEEP behind the counter (who is not very attractive) watches GABRIELLE as she browses. She finally decides on strips of dried meet and a wineskin.]

GABRIELLE:

    How much?  I won’t pay more than ten dinars.

SHOP-KEEP:

    Okay.

GABRIELLE:

   What?

SHOP-KEEP:

    Alright, ten dinars.

GABRIELLE: (confused )

    Wait a minute.

SHOP-KEEP:

    What?

GABRIELLE:

    We're supposed to haggle.

SHOP-KEEP:

     No, it’s okay.

GABRIELLE:

    What do you mean ‘no it’s okay’?

SHOP-KEEP:

     I trust you, if you say it’s worth ten, then it’s worth ten.

GABRIELLE:

     Well then I want to give it back.

SHOP-KEEP:

     No, no, no.  I’ll let you pay me whatever you want.

GABRIELLE:

     I can’t believe you won’t haggle.

SHOP-KEEP:

    Do we have to?

GABRIELLE:

     Now, look. I want to give you ten for this.

SHOP-KEEP:

     I-- I’ll take your ten.

GABRIELLE:

     Now, are you telling me it's not worth more than ten dinars?

SHOP-KEEP:

     No.

GABRIELLE: (points to the dried meat )

     Look at it. That’s practically half a sheep. Quality, too.  That's none of your goat.

SHOP-KEEP:

     All right. I want eleven then.

GABRIELLE:

     Oh, come on. Do it properly.

SHOP-KEEP:

     What?

GABRIELLE:

     Haggle properly. This is worth more than eleven dinars.

SHOP-KEEP:

     But you said it was worth ten.

GABRIELLE: (getting frustrated )

     Oh, Gods. Come on. Haggle!

SHOP-KEEP:

     Oh, okay.  I want sixteen.

GABRIELLE:

     That's more like it. Sixteen?! Are you kidding me?!  Me, the personal traveling companion of the warrior princess?  Sixteen?!

SHOP-KEEP:

     Um, okay, I’ll give it to you for fifteen.

GABRIELLE: (getting excited )

     Now you're gettin' it.  Fifteen?! Did I just hear you try to make me pay fifteen dinars for this strip of shoe leather?  I could buy a sheep for thirteen!

SHOP-KEEP: (unsure )

     Twelve?

GABRIELLE: (rolling her eyes)

     No.

SHOP-KEEP:

     Ten?

GABRIELLE:

     No, no. You go to fourteen now.

SHOP-KEEP:

    All right, give me fourteen.

GABRIELLE:

     Fourteen?! Are you joking?!

SHOP-KEEP: (confused )

     But that's what you told me to say.

GABRIELLE: (shaking her head )

     Oh, Hades.

SHOP-KEEP:

     Look, can’t you just tell me what to say?  Please?

GABRIELLE: (sighing )

     Ask for fourteen.

SHOP-KEEP:

     I want fourteen.

GABRIELLE:

     You’re charging me fourteen for this?!

SHOP-KEEP:

     Fifteen?

GABRIELLE:

    Twelve and I won’t pay a dinar more or may Zeus strike me dead!

SHOP-KEEP:

    Thirteen.

GABRIELLE:

     Done. (smiling ) There that wasn’t so bad was it?  Nice doing business with you.

SHOP-KEEP:

    Here, why don’t you take one of these with you.  I’m sure you need one.

[Hands GABRIELLE a cucumber ]

GABRIELLE: (narrows her eyes at the SHOP-KEEP )

     Well, I don’t need  it, but thanks.

SHOP-KEEP:

     Use it to make some nice tzatziki.  Now, where's that thirteen dinars?

GABRIELLE: (hands him coins )

     Here’s fifteen.

SHOP-KEEP: (doing the math in his head )

     Okay, so that’s two I owe you back...

GABRIELLE:

    Just keep if for the cucumber.

SHOP-KEEP:

   Okay, so that’s two dinars for the cucumber, I guess.

GABRIELLE:

     Two dinars? For this cucumber? Two?! Look at it, it’s old and knotted.  It’s worth one if it’s worth anything at all!

SHOP-KEEP: (confused again )

     But I tried to give it to you for nothing and you told me to charge you two dinars.

GABRIELLE:

     Yes, but it's only worth one!

SHOP-KEEP:

     All right, so I guess I owe you.

 GABRIELLE: (exasperated )

     No, no, no. It's worth more than one. You're supposed to argue, 'A dinar for that? You must be mad!'

SHOP-KEEP: (almost crying )

   Oh would you just take the food and leave?

[GABRIELLE gathers up the supplies quickly and leaves the store.  She glances back over her shoulder and the worn down SHOP-KEEP. Suddenly, XENA appears by her side.]

XENA:

  Get our food?

GABRIELLE: (smiling )

   Sure did.  But boy did that guy put up a fight.  He wanted two dinars for this! (holds up cucumber )

XENA:

  Two for that?  He must be mad...

[SCENE OUT ]

[SCENE UP on exterior of an ancient Grecian pet shop.  XENA and GABRIELLE walk up to it, GABRIELLE carrying a cage in her arm.  XENA points to it and GABRIELLE nods.   XENA and GABRIELLE enter.]

[SCENE OUT ]

[White Lettering on Black Screen ]

Xena And Gabrielle Register A Complaint
(aka Salmoneus The Dead Hunting Hawk)

[SCENE UP on interior of ancient Grecian pet shop. It is nearly as bleak as the Cheese Shop.  GABRIELLE carries a cage under her arm.  Inside is  a dead hunting hawk, laying upside down at the bottom of the cage.  XENA and GABRIELLE approach the counter, and XENA glances at a pair of coconut halves with the word ARGO written on them. The OWNER is crouching under the counter, as if hoping not to be seen by his customers.]

GABRIELLE:  (to XENA )

   Now you promised to let me handle this.

XENA:

   I just think my way would be faster.

GABRIELLE:

   Xena...

XENA:

   No, no, I’ll let you take care of it.

GABRIELLE:

   Hello? I wish to register a complaint!

[The owner does not respond. ]

GABRIELLE:

   Hello, Miss?

[SALMONEUS pops up from behind the counter. ]

SALMONEUS:

   What do you mean "miss"?

GABRIELLE:

   Oh, I'm sorry; I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.

SALMONEUS:

   We're closing for lunch.

XENA:

   Oh no you’re not.  My friend here wants to complain about this hunting hawk that we purchased not two candle marks ago from this very shop. [GABRIELLE looks at XENA who shrugs, but backs off.  GABRIELLE holds up the cage. ]

SALMONEUS:

    Oh yes, the, uh, the North Gaul Golden Hawk...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?

GABRIELLE:

    I'll tell you what's wrong with it: He's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

SALMONEUS:

   No, no, he's uh,...he's resting.

GABRIELLE:

   Look, buddy, I know a dead hawk when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

SALMONEUS:

   No no he's not dead, he's, he's resting! Remarkable bird, the North Gaul Golden, isn't it? Beautiful plumage!

GABRIELLE:

   The plumage doesn't enter into it. It's stone dead.

SALMONEUS:

    N-n-no-no, no, no! He's resting!

XENA:

   All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage ) Hey there, Mister Sleeping Hawk! I've got a lovely fresh field mouse for you if you wake...

[SALMONEUS hits the cage ]

SALMONEUS:

   There, he moved!

GABRIELLE:

   No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

SALMONEUS:

   I never!!

GABRIELLE:

   Yes, you did!

SALMONEUS:

   I never, never did anything...

XENA:

   Gimme that! (yelling and hitting cage ) HELLO HAWK!!!!  Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your morning alarm call! [Takes hawk out of the cage and thumps its head on counter. Throws it up in the air and it falls, lifelessly back onto the counter. ]

XENA:

   Now that's what I call a dead hawk.

GABRIELLE:

    Xena! [XENA backs off again ]

SALMONEUS:

   No, no.....No, he's just stunned!

GABRIELLE: (in disbelief  )

   Stunned?

SALMONEUS:

   Yes! She stunned him just as he was waking up! North Gaul Goldens stun easily.

GABRIELLE:

   Now listen, Salmoneus, I've had enough of this. That hawk is definitely deceased, and when I bought him not two candle marks ago, you assured me its total lack of movement was due to it being tired from a long days hunt.

SALMONEUS:

   Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the mountains of Gaul.

XENA:

   Pining for the mountains of Gaul?  What kind of talk is that?

GABRIELLE:  (to XENA )

   Xena....(to SALMONEUS ) Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment we took him out of the cage?

SALMONEUS:

   The North Gaul Golden prefers sleeping on it's back! Remarkable bird, isn’t it? Lovely plumage!

GABRIELLE:

    Look, I examined that hawk when we got back to camp, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch at all was that it had been NAILED there.

[Pause ]

SALMONEUS:

   Well, of course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have grabbed hold of those bars, broken them apart with it’s beak and VOOM! [Makes dramatic hand gesture to XENA’s face.  She does not blink.]

GABRIELLE:

   "VOOM"?  This bird wouldn't "voom" if it were struck by the lightening of Zeus himself! He's (beep)ing demised!

SALMONEUS:

   No no! He's pining!

XENA: (she has had enough )

    No, he's not pining! He's passed on! That hawk is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet Charon at the banks of Tartarus! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! He's kicked the bucket, shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the (beep)ing choir in the Elysian fields.  THIS IS AN EX-HAWK!!

[Pause ]

SALMONEUS:

   Well, I'd better replace it, then. [shuffles off behind a curtain ]

GABRIELLE:

   Xena, I thought we agreed.

XENA:

   What?  I did do it your way.  You didn’t see me hit him, did you?  I tell you, if you want to get anything done around here--

SALMONEUS: (interrupting )

   Sorry, ladies, I’ve had a look around the back, and we're out of hunting hawks.

GABRIELLE:

    I see.  Well...

SALMONEUS:

   I’ve got a slug.

[Pause ]

XENA: (through clenched teeth )

   Does it hunt game?

SALMONEUS:

   Not really, no.

XENA: (livid )

    [She grabs SALMONEUS by his collar and pulls him across the table ] Well it’s hardly a replacement then, is it?!?!

SALMONEUS:

   (stuttering in fear) N-no, I guess not.  I-I-I’ll give you a f-full refund.

[XENA drops SALMONEUS; he rushes back behind the curtain ]

XENA: (smugly, looking at GABRIELLE )

    See, that’s  how you get things done!

[GABRIELLE shakes her head and XENA leaves.  She watches XENA exit. ]

GABRIELLE:

    You know, I never wanted to be a side-kick in the first place.  No, I wanted to be...an Amazon!

[Music starts up and scene changes to amazon forest  ]

GABRIELLE:

   Yes, leaping from tree to tree--

SALMONEUS: (in voice over )

   Hey, you want your money or not?

GABRIELLE: (as if she never heard him )

    --The campfires, the drum circles...the big head gear, the leather...with my best girl by my side...

[XENA appears and GABRIELLE steps beside her.  Shot pans out to reveal a chorus of AMAZONS kneeling under a tree.]

GABRIELLE:

    ...and we’d sing, sing, sing!

[Sung ]

GABRIELLE:

I’m an Amazon and I’m okay!

I sleep all night and I hunt all day.

AMAZONS:

She's an amazon, and she's okay.

She sleeps all night and she hunts all day.

GABRIELLE:

I climb in trees. I eat my lunch.

I hang with my friend Xe’.

We get along quite nicely

--well ‘cept in Season Three!

AMAZONS:

She climbs in trees. She eats her lunch.

She hangs with her friend Xe’.

They get along quite nicely,

--well, ‘cept for Season Three!

GABRIELLE and AMAZONS:

(I’m) She's an amazon, and (I’m) she's okay.

(I) She sleeps all night and (I) she hunts all day.

GABRIELLE:

I write my scrolls, I swing my staff.

I like to pick wild flowers.

I wear revealing clothing

And hang around in bars.

AMAZONS:

She writes her scrolls, she swings her staff.

She likes to picks wild flowers.

She wears revealing clothing

And...hangs around...in bars

(AMAZONS trail off, ogling GABRIELLE’s revealed midriff.  XENA glares at them )

AMAZONS (quickly )

She's an amazon, and she's okay.

She sleeps all night and she hunts all day.

GABRIELLE:

I flaunt my abs, I show my thighs

And wear a green sports bra

I play nice with the girlies

And flirted with Najara.

AMAZONS:

She flaunts her abs, she shows her thighs

And wears a green sports bra

She plays nice with the girlies

And...flirted with...

(XENA growls, giving GABRIELLE a look )

GABRIELLE: (puts her arm around XENA )

But...I’m her amazon and that’s okay

‘cuz we play all night and we laugh all day.

(XENA nods approvingly and the two walk off  )

AMAZONS:

She’s her amazon and that’s okay

‘cuz they play all night they laugh all day

Yes, they are amazons and that’s okaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

‘cuz they play all night and they laugh all day.

[SCENE OUT 

[White Lettering on Black Screen ]

And There Was Much Rejoicing
(aka THE END)

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