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ForevaXena's FanFic . . . Equal To The Gods
DISCLAIMER:
Xena, Ares, Gabrielle, Eve, Virgil, Varia, Cyane, Gascar, and other characters
who have appeared on the show XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS are the property of
Renaissance Pictures-MCA/Universal Studios.
This is a not-for-profit work of fan fiction, and no copyright
infringement is intended. Unlike
my other Xena fanfics, Equal to the Gods depicts Xena and Gabrielle as lovers.
On the show, I can see their relationship either way (though I generally
tend to see them as friends). This
story shows Xena as being in love with both Gabrielle and Ares, and has scenes
depicting both female/female and male/female sexual relations.
It also depicts a non-monogamous relationship.
If any of this is offensive to you, please find another story to read. The
story takes place in Season 6, starting with OLD ARES HAD A FARM.
It adapts and alters plot elements from several other Season 6 episodes,
including PATH OF VENGEANCE and WHEN FATES COLLIDE.
Readers may also spot a joke at the expense of A FRIEND IN NEED, which
never happened according to the Equal to
the Gods version of the canon. Acknowledgments:
There are no words to express the depth of my gratitude to my two wonderful beta
readers, Sais2Cool and Tango, who gave generously of their time and their
attention; without them, this story would not be what it is.
Hamutal (Celaeno) made some extremely helpful suggestions on the early
chapters, and in particular helped me find my footing in writing Xena and
Gabrielle as a couple. I also
appreciate the encouragement and advice I have received from everyone else who
has read this story as a work in progress.
And I simply must mention Dolly, a.k.a. ChyXeGab, whose query on a
message board about Xena/Gabrielle/Ares fanfiction first made me think about
writing this story. These
acknowledgments would not be complete without a mention of three works of fan
fiction that provided some of the inspiration for this story:
Family by Mark Annetts; When
the Night... by Grit Jahning; and the exquisite Skin Tight by Juxian Tang. There
are many versions of the two Sappho poems quoted in Equal
to the Gods. The ones used here
were written especially for this story by Tango (adapted from a prose
translation). Please
send feedback to LadyKate63@cs.com
"Love seeketh not itself to please,
Nor for itself hath any care,
But for another gives its ease,
And builds a heaven in hell's despair."
So sung a little clod of clay,
Trodden with the cattle's feet;
But a pebble of the brook
Warbled out these meters meet:
"Love seeketh only Self to please,
To bind another to its delight,
Joys in another's loss of ease,
And builds a hell in heaven's despite." -- William Blake, "The Clod and the Pebble" Cover
by Tango CHAPTER
1 Leaning back
against a bale of hay, Ares reflected with mild surprise that he was in a pretty
good mood. Of course, it was
ludicrous for a god -- all right, a former god, but especially the former
God of War -- to be even remotely content under the circumstances. Here he was
on a dilapidated old farm, hiding from a bunch of homicidal warlords who'd put a
bounty on his now-mortal head, wearing what looked like some bedraggled
peasant's hand-me-downs. Various
parts of him were still aching from the tumble he'd taken earlier trying to fix
the roof, and from getting roughed up by one of the bounty hunters while posing
as a farmer to fool them. And yet as he sat in the sunlit barn, stroking the shaggy fur
of the mutt who had befriended him and watching the love of his life milk a cow,
he was -- well, he was actually enjoying himself. He did hope that
before this rustic interlude was over, Xena's irritating little friend would go
off somewhere and give them some time alone. He had another chance with her, he could feel it, no matter
what she'd told him before about a one-in-a-billion shot. She cared about him, or else she wouldn't have taken him to
her grandparents' farm after learning that the warlords were after him.
Admittedly, it was humiliating to hide instead of fighting them at her
side, as he had wanted. But things
had been so good between them these past couple of days -- the comfortable
closeness -- the playful bickering -- the way she talked about how great it was
that they could all sit together in front of the fire ... Xena's voice
spilled into his reverie. "Double
squeeze takes too long." "Nah, you
get more milk that way. It's easier
on the cow." Gabrielle giggled
as Xena sent a little jet of milk in her direction. Ares shook his
head and laughed. "The Warrior
Princess and the Battling Bard, discussing the correct technique for milking a
cow. Absurd -- and yet at the same
time..." -- he paused to let them think he was about to say something sappy
-- "... ridiculous." Xena shot him a
wry look, pointing a finger at him. "It's
important." He chuckled,
watching as she returned to her task. The
brown country-girl dress she was wearing was just as preposterous as the rest of
this setup -- but damn, she looked good in it, the light fabric clinging to the
curves of her body, her relaxed posture only hinting at the graceful strength of
her limbs… There was a
noise outside, and Horace stirred, pricking up his ears.
Then, a squeaky though identifiably male sing-song called out,
"Hello? Anyone there?" "In
here!" said Gabrielle. A gray-bearded
man wearing a turban and long motley robes pranced into the barn. "I'm sorry
to bother you," he said with an unctuous little bow, "but I was
wondering if anyone had seen my dog." "Your
dog," Ares repeated, with a sudden, embarrassing flutter of anxiety in his
chest. Before he could continue,
Horace yelped and jumped to his feet. "Tha- tha-
that's him!" The man's wrinkly
face spread in a broad grin. "That's him!
It's really him! It's Milo!" "This is
your dog?" Xena asked. "Ye-es,"
the man drawled. "I was passing through here a couple of weeks ago -- I'm a
peddler, you understand -- and he ran off during a thunderstorm. Milo,
you bad boy -- I've looked for you everywhere!
Did you find him here?" "Yeah,"
Gabrielle said. "He was running around the grounds." "And
stealing us blind," Xena chimed in. "Oh, oh --
" the peddler chuckled apologetically -- "that's my Milo all right.
He loves to take things and bury them..." "You ought
to keep a better eye on your damn dog," Ares snapped.
Oh no... he was not
getting upset over this! "Sorry, so
sorry, sir. I hope he wasn't too
much trouble. Well, this is
definitely my lucky day... Here,
boy!" The dog turned
to Ares and looked at him with those funny eyes of his, one blue and one gray,
and then nuzzled him and licked his face. Ares blinked. Great
-- anytime now he was going to start bawling like a kid who'd lost a toy.
He lifted his hand and patted Horace on the head. "Maybe he
wants to stay here," Gabrielle said. "Here you
go!" The old man was waving a bone he had produced from his pocket.
"Come to Daddy, Milo!" The fickle
animal bounded toward his master, but then froze in place and turned back to
look at Ares, tail wagging uncertainly, confusion written all over his spotted
muzzle. After taking a few steps
toward Ares, he fidgeted, whimpered and trudged toward the old man, only to stop
again and turn his head, barking a couple of times as if pleading for help.
The peddler resolved the dog's plight by walking over and picking him up. "Thank you
for taking care of him!" he said, beaming. "I just can't tell you how glad I am to have him back.
Come on, pooch!" The dog gave
another plaintive yelp as the old man waddled away from the barn.
Ares rose to his feet, staring after them.
Xena came up and gave him a sympathetic squeeze on the shoulder, and he
realized that his distress was plain on his face. "Damn,"
he muttered. "Hey,"
Xena said. "Sorry about that." "I'm going
to change," Ares said abruptly and headed for the house. Mortality
sucks, he thought savagely as he pulled
off the peasant togs and kicked them into a corner.
Physical pain and discomfort were bad enough; he had been prepared to
deal with that, from his previous brief experiences as a mortal.
Being at the mercy of his emotions like this was far worse.
It was one thing to get agitated over Xena -- she'd had that effect on
him even as a god, though not nearly to the same degree -- but some stupid
animal? All right, so he'd started
to like having the mutt around and to enjoy its overeager affection.
So he'd gotten a ridiculously warm and fuzzy feeling when the dog tried
to defend him during the confrontation with Gascar's men.
Still, it wasn't as if he had lost anything important... Back in his
leather pants, Ares came out into the main room of the house.
A single sunbeam that cut through the shadows, with golden specks of dust
shimmering in its soft haze, gave just enough light to show what a mess the
place was, and made the rest of the room seem even murkier.
Xena stood by the rickety table, pouring milk from the bucket into a tall
clay jar. The women stopped their
conversation and looked at him. "What?" "Gabrielle
is going to try to get your furry friend back," Xena said. "You mean,
go after the old codger, kick the crap out of him and grab Horace?
I approve." "No,"
Gabrielle said, giving him a tolerant little grin. "I'm going to talk to him.
Try telling him that maybe Horace will be better off staying here." "Hmph."
He cocked an eyebrow at her. "I guess those people skills of yours
may be good for something." "Thank you,
Gabrielle," Xena said rather pointedly, pressing Gabrielle's hand.
The bard smiled back at her and went outside. Things were
definitely looking up, Ares thought as he listened to the fading hoofbeat.
Then he realized that he was alone with her, and he hadn't the
slightest idea what to say. "You want
some?" Xena asked. He flinched.
"Huh?" "Milk."
He thought she actually blushed a
bit but it was hard to tell in the semi-dark room. "You want some
milk?" "Yeah,
sure." She poured the
white, frothy liquid into a mug and handed it to him.
Ares took a sip and gave her a startled look.
Xena lifted an eyebrow. "Don't tell
me you've never had milk before." "It's ...
warm." "Well, of
course. It's fresh from the
source." He quirked his
lips and sniffed, wincing a little, but finally decided to drink it.
It was creamy, with a sweetish taste.
He drained the mug and put it down. Xena looked at
him with a faint smile. "You
have..." "What?" She reached out
and ran her fingers over his mustache, brushing his lips. Suddenly struggling
for breath, Ares wondered dizzily what she would do if he kissed her fingers. She
pulled her hand away, a little too abruptly. "There...
it's off." He couldn't
think of anything coherent to say, or anything to do except stare at her,
breathing in the faint scent of her sweat.
Funny how in this half-darkness, her eyes seemed light brown instead of
the usual piercing blue... Her
mouth opened slightly; then she clamped it shut, her jaw rigid.
His ears were ringing, and he felt as if he'd been hit by a gust of icy
wind followed by a blast of hot air. Xena turned away
and put a lid on the milk jar, then moved about some mugs and bowls on the
table. After a pause that seemed
like it would never end, she said, "Don't be upset. If Gabrielle doesn't get Horace back, we'll get you another
dog." "I don't
want another dog. I want
Horace." She turned back
toward him and smiled again -- and then, without really thinking, he took her
hand, looking straight at her, and said, "I don't want another woman,
either." "You only
want Horace?" she joked feebly, but her eyes were soft and almost fearful.
Holding his breath, he moved a little closer.
Xena tilted her head, her eyes half-lidded now, and they both leaned
forward, almost imperceptibly, until their lips touched. Slowly, they
deepened the kiss; Ares took Xena in his arms and felt her arms lock around him.
Her body was warm and supple, her full breasts pushing up against him,
her nipples hard under the thin fabric. Ares'
heart was nearly jumping out of his chest, and his arousal was both intensely
pleasurable and almost painful, trapped as he was in the tight leather. For once, this kiss was both tender and passionate, and as
her tongue caressed his lips and swirled inside his mouth he thought dimly that
one could die from such bliss. When he opened
his eyes, her face was flushed, her lips swollen.
He bent down and kissed her neck, savoring the tender skin, feeling the
beat of her pulse underneath. She
moaned softly and moved her hands down, stroking his back. Ares lifted his
head and whispered raggedly, "So -- how long do you think we have before
your little sidekick walks through that door?" Before he'd
finished saying it, he knew it had been the wrong thing to say.
Xena's body tensed immediately, and then she was pushing him away and
wrenching herself out of his arms. "I can't do
this," she murmured breathlessly. He stepped back
and gaped at her, bewildered. "What's the
matter?" "I
can't..." She looked down. "I can't ... this is wrong." "Wrong?"
He was getting angry; she couldn't be playing games with him, not now,
not anymore. "Why?" Xena finally
raised her eyes and gave him an odd, guilty look. "I can't do
this -- to Gabrielle." "Gabrielle?"
He squinted at her. Unbelievable. Of all the excuses... "What in Tartarus does this
have to do with Gabrielle? What,
she thinks I'm so hideously evil that she can't stand the thought of your being
with me? And this is after I --
" "Ares."
Xena shook her head. She
looked like she was bracing herself for something, and all of a sudden he was
afraid. "Gabrielle and I --
" She tarried for another moment and took the plunge. "Has it ever
occurred to you that Gabrielle and I were -- more than friends?" "More than
-- friends," he repeated, stupefied. It
was just a joke, she was just teasing, he told himself even as he knew with
perfect clarity that it was true. His
mouth was very dry, and the room now seemed a lot darker than before.
He leaned heavily back against the table.
There was a loud thud; something wet and thick covered his hand, and he
realized he'd knocked over the milk jar. "Damn,"
Xena muttered. She quickly set the
jar upright to salvage whatever was left and grabbed a rag to mop up the milk. "You and
Gabrielle..." Ares tried to
collect his thoughts. "You mean, you -- you prefer girls." She stopped
mopping. "It's not about
preferring girls... You know it's
not about -- not wanting you. It's
about ... me and Gabrielle, that's all." "Oh, it's
all about you and Gabrielle." For
a moment everything else he felt was pushed back by a surge of anger. "And
that's why you were kissing me just now -- " She flinched
slightly and stiffened. Then she
started mopping again. "So how
long has this been going on?" Xena said
nothing, and he repeated, "For how long?" "Since ...
" She sighed. "Since about three years after we first met." "And it
never occurred to you to tell me about this?" "Like
when?" Her voice suddenly had
a hard edge. "Oh I don't
know." He didn't want to sound bitter and sarcastic, but something inside
him was goading him on. "Like when I told you I was willing to give up my
godhood and take on all the other gods to protect you and your kid -- if I could
spend the rest of my life with you. That
might have been your cue to say, 'You're wasting your time, Ares, I already have
a girlfriend.'" Throwing aside
the soaked rag, Xena whipped around. Her
eyes were narrow and bright. "You mean,
when you were using my baby's life as a bargaining chip to get me into bed?
You think I owed you an explanation then?" He felt the
blood pounding in his temples. If
she had punched him in the face, it would have hurt less. "It wasn't
like that," he said, his voice breaking. "I loved you -- you know I
did..." Her glare
dissolved into a sympathetic, rather pained look. "Ares... what's past is past -- I don't want to rehash
that. You know you didn't give me a
lot of reasons to trust you, back then."
She paused. "And
besides -- I always thought that maybe you knew and didn't care." "You
thought I knew?" "Well --
after all, you were a god." "Yeah, rub
it in, why don't you," he snapped. "'Really, Ares, for a god, you were
blind as a bat!'" "I didn't
mean it that way." Ares stared
silently at his boots, breathing hard. After a while,
she said, "I always told you we couldn't be together..." "Dammit.
All this time, I thought that if I could just prove myself -- prove that
I loved you, that I wasn't bad for you..."
His throat clenched painfully and he trailed off. "I'm
sorry," she said, putting a hand on his arm. He shuddered and moved away. "Don't
touch me." There was
another silence. Then he said,
"And I saved her for you. If
that doesn't make me the world's biggest chump..." "Maybe it
makes you very noble," Xena said quietly. He gave a short,
nasty laugh. "Noble?" "Once, Gab-
–" she stumbled a bit -- "I helped some peasants defend themselves
from a gang of thugs who were preying on the local villages.
There was one man, Timeas... he had been engaged to his childhood
sweetheart, except she fell in love with another man -- the new village
schoolteacher -- and ended up marrying him.
One night, about a month before we got there, the bandits attacked and
torched some houses, and the school too. The
teacher was inside -- he'd gone in to copy some scrolls and fallen asleep at his
desk. No one knew he was there, and by the time they heard him
screaming, everyone thought it was too dangerous to go in.
And Timeas went in and rescued him."
She paused and added, almost wistfully, "We fought side by side
against the bandits later, Timeas and I. He
was one of the best men I've ever met." Maybe she was
right, Ares thought; at least he'd made her happy by giving Gabrielle back to
her. Then he was furious, at her
and at himself. She had led him on
and used him -- and now she was trying to pacify him with a feelgood story, and
he was lapping it up. "So what
happened to this paragon of virtue?" he asked caustically. Xena's eyes
flickered. "I -- I don't
know." He gave her a
probing look. "You do
know, don't you? Only it messes up
the moral of your story. What, he
ran off with the girl later on?" "No,"
Xena said slowly. "He ... he left the village and went to a nearby town to
start a new life." "And then
what?" She avoided his
eyes. "He started drinking...
He got worse and worse, until he ended up begging in the streets.
I heard he died a few years later." "So your
hero drank himself to death. Not a
bad idea." He walked
briskly into the back room where he had left his things, and put on his vest.
Then he remembered that he had no money.
His ring; that should do. When he came
out, Xena stood by the door, a worried look on her face. "Where are
you going?" "To start a
new life. In the first tavern I can
find." "Ares
..." She reached out toward him. "No." "Ares,
listen to me." She put her
hands on his shoulders and he wanted to push her away, but her touch was so
warm, so gentle. "Please ... I
don't want to see you hurt." "It's a
little too late for that," he said hoarsely. "Please --
after everything we've been through, can't you just -- be glad knowing that
we're friends now -- that I care about you?" Her eyes were
tender and a little moist, and Ares knew his anger was slipping away.
He wanted so badly to kiss her again. He swallowed.
"Xena..." Just then,
footsteps creaked on the porch. Xena
stepped back abruptly. The front
door swung open and Gabrielle announced, "I'm back!" She came in and
gave him an apologetic smile. "Ares
... sorry, but I wasn't able to get Horace back -- the man wouldn't even hear of
parting with him. Now, don't look
so glum," she added brightly, "we'll get -- " "You,"
Ares said, almost choking with rage. A
memory came over him of how the two of them had played him in Amphipolis years
ago -- how Xena had promised herself to him if he protected her child from
Athena, and Gabrielle put on a show of distress to convince him that the offer
was for real -- and how the little bitch stood there and smirked when, after
helping Xena, he realized he'd been tricked.
It had been annoying enough then; now, the thought that all that time,
she actually had what he so desperately desired nearly drove him mad. She blinked at
him, puzzled. "What?" "I bet you
got off on knowing how much I wanted her -- didn't you," he snarled.
"I should have slapped that smug little grin right off your face." Gabrielle's
stunned, open-mouthed look might have given Ares a small measure of
satisfaction, but he felt too wretched even for that. He swept past her, deliberately jostling her, and walked out. * ~ * ~ * Recovering
somewhat from the shock, Gabrielle started to ask, "What was -- ?" but
was cut short by the alarmed neighing of her horse, left tied by the porch.
That was followed by a rapidly receding clatter of hooves. "Oh,
great!" She dashed
outside, with Xena behind her, just in time to see Ares galloping away. Xena put a hand
on her shoulder. "Are you all
right?" "Yeah."
Gabrielle glanced at her warily. "What's going on?" "I'm going
after him." Xena's face had
the intense yet emotionless look of total focus that Gabrielle knew so well.
She stepped off the porch but Gabrielle gripped her arm. "Wait,
wait. What happened?" "I'll tell
you later." Gabrielle's
bewilderment was giving way to a vague dread. "No,"
she said quietly, making Xena turn around with a start. "Tell me now." Xena stared at
her silently, biting her lip. Gabrielle
thought back to what Ares had said; it could only mean one thing. "You told
him about us." "Yes, I
did." "Why?" "I had to,
Gabrielle. I couldn't keep
stringing him along." Gabrielle
frowned slightly. "And how did
your conversation happen to take that turn?" Xena looked
down, and just then Gabrielle realized that something odd had caught her eye
when she came into the house, before she was distracted by Ares' outburst.
She peered inside through the half-open door.
There were white streaks on the floor and the tabletop,
and a sopping wet rag on the edge of the table that dripped a grayish
liquid. She looked at
Xena again, and wondered how she could have missed it before -- the shiny
puffiness of her lips, the reddening spot on her neck.
Something inside Gabrielle's chest coiled into a knot, momentarily
squeezing the breath out of her. "Of course.
I leave you alone with Ares for half an hour and you're already knocking
over milk jars!" Xena flinched.
"Look, nothing really happened..." "Really.
Well, I'd hate to see your idea of something."
The words were burning Gabrielle's throat; she knew she was being nasty
and vicious yet she still wanted to say those things, to punish both Xena and
herself. After everything
they'd been through together -- to think that Xena would risk throwing it all
away because she'd taken a fancy to Ares! Then
again, Gabrielle thought, she should have known ... maybe she had known.
Xena had always wanted Ares, and now that he was mortal, now that she
didn't have to be afraid that he'd pull her into the darkness... She shook her
head bitterly. "I should
have known." "Gabrielle
-- dammit, Ares just rode off alone -- unarmed." Xena's voice dropped to a
hiss. "There's an army out
there trying to kill him. This
really isn't the time for a jealous spat!" Gabrielle knew
she should be furious, but she felt too numb for that -- too numb even to find
any comfort in Xena's horrified look. "Oh,
Gabrielle -- " Xena reached out to touch her but Gabrielle shrank back.
"I didn't mean that, I didn't mean it that way ...
Please trust me -- nothing happened, I stopped it -- I stopped it because
of you..." "Oh,
because of me," Gabrielle said quietly.
She couldn't let it go, not this easily. "I'm sorry I'm keeping you
from what you really want." "No -- you
know it's not true..." Tears
were welling in Xena's eyes. "All I want is to spend the rest of my life
with you... I swear, nothing is
going to change that." Gabrielle didn't
resist when Xena hugged her and stroked her hair and her neck -- but she
stiffened her body, not wanting just yet to give in to the hold of those strong
arms, to the touch of those hands that had enough tenderness in them to make her
feel loved no matter what. At last
she relaxed, shivering a bit, and hid her face in Xena's shoulder. Her soft breath
touching Gabrielle's hair, Xena whispered, "I would never betray you.
You believe me, don't you?" Did she?
What they had, Gabrielle told herself, was so much greater and deeper
than any attraction Xena might feel toward Ares.
The thought of Xena in Ares' arms, kissing him, making those low throaty
sounds she made when she was excited, still clawed at Gabrielle from inside; but
how could she doubt that they would always be together?
Of course I believe you. She
nodded, pressing her face deeper into Xena's shoulder. Xena leaned over
and kissed her cheek and let her lips slide down, barely brushing the skin,
until she touched Gabrielle's mouth. Her
eyes closed now, Gabrielle parted her lips, tentatively at first, then
responding completely. Right now,
it was just the two of them; there was no Ares, no one else in the whole world. Pulling back,
Xena looked at her with a faint, tender smile. Then she said almost pleadingly, "I have to go find him.
He's going to get in trouble out there -- Gabrielle, we promised to help
him -- " I can deal
with it. Gabrielle
managed a mischievous half-grin. "Go.
Just try not to be too helpful." "Gabrielle!" "I'm
joking." She reached up and
quickly pressed her lips to Xena's. "I trust you.
Be careful, okay?" Catching
Xena's look, Gabrielle smiled wanly and shook her head. "I don't mean that
way. Go on." * ~ * ~ * By the time Xena
got to the main road, finding Ares' tracks was hopeless; it seemed like half the
people in the province had picked that particular time to pass through.
As she rode toward the nearest local tavern, her mind was focused
completely on the practical task before her: find Ares and get him back to the
farm. Everything else could wait --
had to wait. Ares wasn't in
that tavern, or in the one she checked out after that.
She was not going to let herself panic and lose concentration.
Everything was going to be okay. Dusk was already
falling when she rode up to yet another tavern, The One-Eyed Ox.
She heard raucous laughter and singing coming from inside, and at the
same moment spotted Gabrielle's mare, Clio, among the horses tethered outside.
She only stopped breathing for a moment. Giving Argo a
quick pat on the neck, Xena dismounted. She
was still in her country frock -- there had been no point in changing into her
leathers, and if anything, it was best not to attract extra attention under the
circumstances -- but she had taken her sword, just in case.
Briefly, she pondered whether to take the weapon inside. A farm girl with
a really big sword would certainly attract attention, both to herself and to
Ares; besides, it didn't sound like Ares was in danger from anything more lethal
than cheap booze. She left the
sword hooked to Argo's saddle and strode into the murkily lit tavern.
The air inside was heavy with the reek of wine fumes, rancid oil and
unwashed human bodies, with an added whiff of vomit which a serving girl
crouched on the floor was in the process of cleaning up. "Hey,
lady," the barkeep called out. "What'll it be?" "Nothing,
thanks." "Just so
you know, all the drinks are free." She narrowed her
eyes at him. "What is it,
ladies' night?" "Ladies',
gentlemen's, you name it," the man chortled, baring a set of crooked yellow
teeth. "Some clown's buying for everyone tonight." "Really,"
Xena said icily. She had the bad
feeling that she knew exactly who the "clown" was. "How did that
happen?" "Fella
walks in and hands me this ring and asks how much it'll buy."
The barkeep gave her a broad "can't believe my luck" grin.
"And I go, that should be enough to buy drinks for everyone in the place.
So he goes, then I'm buying." He
shook his head and laughed. "So, you havin' anything?" Xena gave him a
scorching look and turned away, scanning the establishment.
A particularly noisy bunch, belting out a song horribly out of tune and
out of unison, had gathered in one corner. She saw him --
his hair messy and slick with sweat, his vest open, leaning on the stained, wet
table with a large chipped wine jug and several half-empty cups on it.
He was apparently trying to sing along with the rest of the crowd.
Plastered against him was a redhead in serious peril of falling out of
her dress. Resolutely
ignoring the spasm that clenched around her heart, Xena marched up to Ares. "Androcles."
She stressed the name they had agreed on using in front of strangers.
"There you are." The singing
stopped, two or three stragglers still carrying on for a few hoarse notes.
Ares looked up at her, his eyes glassy and bloodshot. "Xe - na."
He hiccupped loudly. "What an uness -- unex -- " He shook his
head and gave up. "What a -- surprise." "Let's go
home," she said. "Home?"
Ares laughed shrilly. "I don't have a home." "Sure you
do." She tried to touch his
arm but he pushed her hand away. "See, Xena,
I don't need you anymore." His
eyes were alive again, alive and wounded. "'Cause I got lots -- lotsa new
f... friends." In a sweeping
gesture, he indicated his fellow revelers. "And I have a girl, too,"
he added, drawing an arm around the redhead's waist. "C'mere, baby." The girl
obligingly perched herself on Ares' knee and glued herself to his mouth, to
cheers and claps from the other patrons. "Way to go,
Chloe," called out a fat middle-aged woman. Xena pressed her
lips into a rigid line. Dammit --
she had to get him out of there. Ares turned to
her with a bitter sneer. "See, she's
not like you," he said. "She's nice. And she likes me." The only way she
could get them both through this was to steel herself, not to let anything he
said reach a part of her where it could hurt. "You're the
best, honey," Chloe giggled. Xena's eyes fell
on the bauble that shone dimly between the girl's breasts.
It was Ares' dagger pendant. That
was too much. "What are
you doing with that?" The girl looked
offended. "Hey -- he gave it
to me!" "Thass
right... I did." Ares nodded, looking for a moment like he was falling
asleep; then he snapped his head up. "She asked me nicely and I let her
have it." He planted a wet
kiss on Chloe's plump freckled shoulder. "You can have anything you want,
baby ... ess... except my heart. See,
I already gave it to her -- " he waved at Xena -- "and she chewed it
up and spat it out." It was getting
to her, no matter how she tried. "These
people taught me a great song," he said. "You wanna hear?" "No," Xena said,
but he was already singing hoarsely: "I fell in love with a
beautiful girl And I -- " He faltered,
hiccupped again and broke into a fit of coughing. Xena heard snickering, and felt a surge of rage at the
thought that a bunch of lowlifes in a cheap tavern were laughing at him.
It wasn't that she had ever had much respect for the status of the gods
-- but to see him like this ... "That's
enough," she said, her voice steady. She
wasn't looking at Ares; right now, she had to get his damn pendant back.
"Are you going to give that thing back like a good girl, or do I have to
make you give it back?" "Who are
you?" the girl squealed. "His wife?" "How did
you guess?" It was just a
good cover story; nothing personal. Chloe gave her a
nervous look, starting to vacillate. "She's not
my wife," Ares said. He rubbed
his temples, winced and blinked rapidly, as if trying to clear the fog.
"She could've been. She coulda
had ... she coulda had everything -- and you oughta see what she chose instead
-- " Focus.
She couldn't let it get to her,
she couldn't. Xena held out
her hand, glaring at the girl. "Well?" "Hey,
Chloe!" the barkeep yelled. "Give it back, will ya?
I don't want no trouble in here." Pouting, the
girl took off the pendant and threw it down; it landed in a thin pool of wine
next to an obscenity someone had carved crookedly into the table's surface.
Xena picked it up and turned to Ares. "Come on,
honey. I'm taking you home." "Aren't
you... aren't you lissening to me?" His
voice rose. "I don't fucking need you anymore!
I was havin' fun here... till you showed up, okay?"
His eyes glistened angrily. "No, no -- wait ... I do need you for
one thing. All my friends here... they didn't believe me when I told 'em
who I was ... I mean, who I am... used to be.... you know what I mean.
You tell 'em." He
turned to the crowd. "See, she knows." The chill went
right down to the pit of Xena's stomach. As
much as she hated to humiliate him, the hideous danger he was in overshadowed
everything else. "So which
god is it today?" she said, managing to sound glib and scornful.
"Apollo? Hermes?
Maybe Zeus himself? You and
your drunken fantasies..." There was more
snickering around the table. "Liar!"
His angry shout had a plaintive edge. "Don't listen to her... I'm Ares, God
of War... I mean I was... until she was done with me..." "Sure, and
I'm Aphrodite." She came
closer. "Come along, God of War.
Let's go." "I'm not
going anywhere with you..." Ares grimaced. "You hate me.
Leave me alone." "I don't
hate you," Xena said, leaning toward him. Then she kissed him. There
wasn't anything pleasant about this kiss, with the cheap wine on his breath and
the sour taste in his mouth, and yet something tugged at her heart as he closed
his eyes and moaned softly. She
pulled away. When he opened his
eyes again, all the resistance in them was gone. "Let's
go," she said again, stroking his cheek, ignoring scattered catcalls and
guffaws in the audience. "Okay,"
he said meekly and got up, leaning on her arm. As they walked
to the door, with Ares shuffling his feet and slumping on her shoulder, a hush
fell over the tavern, except for one person cackling somewhere in a corner.
Xena had the dreamlike feeling
that they were making an escape, and all those people were waiting to pounce on
them but couldn't move, frozen under some kind of spell.
She thought of trying to get Ares' ring back from the barkeep, but there
was no way she could pay for all those drinks.
Besides, she just wanted to get out as soon as possible. * ~ * ~ * The daylight was
gone when they came out, the cool air buzzing with insects drawn to the dim
light of the tavern windows. No one
followed them; moments after their exit, the shouting and singing inside picked
up again. Just off the porch, Ares'
legs buckled, and he sagged heavily on Xena's arm and sank to his knees on a
patch of sparse, much-trampled grass. Xena
tried to help him up, but he lurched forward and she heard the sounds of
retching. Looking around,
she saw the well, luckily only a few steps away.
She lowered the bucket and drew it up as quickly as she could, gritting
her teeth as the handle creaked and groaned at every turn.
Filling the dipper with ice-cold water, she brought it to Ares and held
it for him while he drank greedily and splashed the water on his face.
He grunted and gasped for breath and tried to get up, leaning on her arm.
"I've got you," she said, gripping his forearms, "I've got
you" -- but his legs gave out and he sank down again.
She sighed and went over to get the bucket. "Sorry,"
she whispered, almost to herself, and poured the rest of the water over his
head. Ares coughed and
spluttered and cursed, and then looked up at her, blinking in confusion, his
mouth open. Her heart clenched
again; she was glad no one could see them, and hoped that he wouldn't remember
too much of this. This time, Xena
was able to haul him to his feet and steer him toward the horses.
There was no way he was going to ride on his own.
It took her a good deal of effort to get him up on Argo before climbing
in the saddle behind him. Argo
snorted and tossed her head in displeasure. "Sorry
'bout that, girl," she said, stroking the mare's side. Ares leaned back
against her, shivering, the cold water trickling down his neck and under his
vest. "I'm..."
-- his voice broke for a moment, his teeth chattering -- "I'm always
causing you trouble..." "Shh..."
She rubbed his upper arms and then hugged him, trying to get him warm.
"It's okay..." She had to give
Argo a few prods with her heels before the mare trudged off.
Gradually, Ares stopped trembling and his breathing grew regular, and
moments later he was fast asleep. As they rode
home at a slow trot, with the obedient Clio bringing up the rear, Xena knew that
the danger wasn't over; they could run into Gascar's army, for all she knew.
Nonetheless, she began to relax, enough to chuckle when Ares woke up,
glanced behind him and muttered, "Hey... there's a horse following
us!" Her muscles were getting sore and numb from riding double and
holding him up, and yet -- and yet, despite the discomfort, having him in her
arms made her mind drift back to their embrace that afternoon. Best not to go
there. That was something to be
stored in a box marked "Do Not Open," along with certain other moments
in their history ... like the time she pretended to seduce him to get
his help against Athena and found herself melting into his kisses for
real. Other memories
came to her. Ares was sitting on a
tree stump, alone and mortal, having just recovered from possession by the
Furies, and she came to say good-bye. She
couldn't resist touching his battered face -- yes, she had to fight him when
he was mad, but did she have to hit so hard? -- as if she was doing him any
good by poking at those cuts and scratches.
She couldn't resist kissing him, not when he held her hands so gently and
spoke to her with a quiet hopefulness so unlike the arrogance of the God of War
-- and then, after that brief kiss, there was such warmth in his smile and in
his eyes. His eyes... she could
still see the look in his eyes when she came up to thank him after he had given
up his immortality to save her and Gabrielle and Eve: utterly defenseless,
fearful at first and then brimming with tenderness.
And there was another memory that floated up from much, much earlier --
the first time Ares had lost his godhood, the moment when he regained it with
her help and she watched the scruffy but likable mortal disappear into the cold
cruel beauty of the god. It was past
midnight when they returned to the farm. There
was light in the main room; Xena wondered if Gabrielle was still up, and
realized that she felt uneasy at the thought of facing her.
She shook Ares gently until he stirred and grumbled an unintelligible
complaint. "We're
home," she said. "Hang on..." None too
gracefully, she clambered off Argo, trying to stretch as she maneuvered
Ares to the ground. She led
him to the house, hobbling a little from the stiffness in her legs, and
reflected wryly that it probably looked like they had both enjoyed too
much of a good time. Don't we
make a pretty picture. Rather to Xena's
relief, Gabrielle was nowhere in sight. She
walked Ares to the room he now occupied -- her grandparents' old bedroom -- and
carefully let him down on the bed. By the time she started to undress him, he was out again; she
found herself feeling grateful for that, and for the darkness. She fluffed the
pillow and lifted Ares up to it, smoothing his still-damp hair, and then pulled
up the blanket. He stirred, lifting
his head -- she thought she could see his eyelids flutter open -- and grasped
her hand, murmuring, "Xena..." She held her breath, not sure if he was asleep or not.
Ares' head dropped back on the pillow but he was still holding on to her
hand as she stood over him. Xena
put her other hand on top of his and ran her thumb over his knuckles, feeling
the soft bumps of his veins. She squatted
down by the bed, and stayed there for a while.
She wished she didn't have to go. Finally, with a
sigh, Xena extricated her hand from Ares' grasp.
Picking up his leathers, she slung them over the windowsill to air them
out. Then she walked out of the
room, trying rather pointlessly to make no noise. Exhausted as she
was, Xena remembered with grim resignation that she still had to take care of
the horses. Lamp in hand, she went
outside, only to see that the horses were not by the porch.
She found them in the barn, unsaddled and brushed down, feeding
contentedly. So Gabrielle wasn't
asleep after all. As she stood in
the middle of the barn, the air around her filled with the warm smell of hay and
animals, everything that had happened that day caught up with her at last: the
shock and quiet anguish in Gabrielle's face, those awful words Ares had thrown
at her in the tavern. It was as if
she'd taken a brutal beating that had lasted for hours, and had only now let
herself feel the pain in every part of her body. She made her way to the house, like an animal crawling toward
a hole where it could curl up and lick its wounds. Back in her old
childhood room, Xena took off her dress and her undergarment and climbed under
the covers. She wrapped her arms
around Gabrielle, who lay facing away from her, and drew her close, burying her
face in the crook of Gabrielle's neck. "Thank
you," she whispered. "Is he
okay?" "Yeah,"
Xena said in a steady voice. "He'll just wake up with a really bad
hangover." Maybe she could even get herself to believe it. Gabrielle turned
around, and they just held each other for a while, until she sought Xena's lips
in a gentle kiss that gradually grew more insistent. Their breasts pressed together, Xena heard Gabrielle's
breathing quicken and turn to small, almost whimpering moans as her hips
shuddered. Xena wanted to feel it
too -- but she was still too battered, too bruised inside.
Easing Gabrielle on her back, she said, "Lie still..." Her kisses
trailed down Gabrielle's neck to her chest, lingering on each nipple, and then
to her flat stomach as Gabrielle gasped and squirmed in anticipation.
Brushing her lips over the soft, cool skin of Gabrielle's inner thighs,
Xena heard her breathe, "I love you ..." and felt a sharp jab of guilt
at the thought that not half an hour ago, she had wanted to stay with Ares. She lifted her
head, reaching out to clasp Gabrielle's hand. "I love you
too..." Then she bent
down and kissed her, making Gabrielle convulse and arch into her mouth.
She licked and nibbled delicately, hoping half-consciously that the
pleasure she could give her love would make up for the pain she'd caused her
before. Gabrielle's grip tightened on her hand. Xena slowed down, barely moving her tongue while Gabrielle
trembled and almost cried in exquisite frustration; then she sped up again,
finding the rhythm that she knew pleased Gabrielle the most. Her own excitement stirred as Gabrielle's frantic little
cries rose higher and her body shook uncontrollably. When her spasms
had passed, Xena laid her cheek on Gabrielle's stomach, still holding her hand,
listening as her breaths slowly returned to normal.
Then she pulled herself up and slipped an arm under Gabrielle's
shoulders, cradling her, touching her face, stroking her hair. Still panting a
little, Gabrielle turned her head and murmured again, "I love you,
Xena..." As their lips met
once more, Gabrielle's hand touched Xena's breast, squeezing lightly, circling
the nipple, and then moved lower -- and Xena knew, with quiet dismay, that she
did not want this. Despite her
body's response to bringing Gabrielle to a climax, she felt only a bone-deep
weariness at the thought of being pleasured herself. Her fingers
closed around Gabrielle's wrist. "You don't
have to, Gabrielle ... I'm so tired
... let's just go to sleep..." Gabrielle's body
tensed at once, and in the moonlight that now streamed in through the window,
Xena saw her stricken look before her face went blank.
"Oh ...
okay," Gabrielle said in a small voice. She slid out of
Xena's arms and turned away, pulling up the covers.
Xena reached out toward her, but her hand froze, lingering a finger's
breadth from Gabrielle's tousled hair. She
pulled her hand back and lay still, biting her lip. What was she
doing? Gabrielle had given her
everything. She had been so lost
when they first met, when she had just
given up her old life as a warlord, and this simple village girl had believed in
her when no one else did, when even she didn't believe in herself -- had offered
her friendship, made her young when her soul had grown old far beyond her years.
For some reason, she remembered Gabrielle's excitement at catching her
first fish, and her silly chatter about how all living things, even humans,
lived in the sea once upon a time. And later, when
their friendship became more than that... there was very little Xena hadn't done
by then, with men or women, and yet Gabrielle had somehow let her feel new, as
if both of them had just discovered the wonder of making love. Gabrielle was
the best thing that had ever happened to her, and all she had ever done was pull
Gabrielle into violence and darkness, simply because of who she was, what kind
of life she lived. This had been on
her mind a lot lately; especially since their recent trip to North Africa, when
Gabrielle killed a young man, a kid really, thinking he was about to attack
them. With a bittersweet pang, she
remembered how much Gabrielle had wanted to be a warrior just like her when they
first met -- except that she hated the idea of taking human life.
Gabrielle had become a fighter quickly enough, both of them desperately
hoping that she could remain a fighter who didn't kill.
Sooner or later it was bound to fail; looking back, Xena could see it
clearly -- she of all people should have known better, with all the war and
violence she had seen by then. Now
Gabrielle was a skilled warrior, a full fighting partner .... and it was best
not to think about what it was doing to her soul. And now, to top
it off, she was going to break Gabrielle's heart ... just as she had broken
Ares' heart. Chewed it up and
spat it out. The thought that
she was comparing Gabrielle to Ares gave her a jolt.
Ares? The same Ares who had spent years trying to lure her back to
war and conquest and evil, and might well have succeeded if Gabrielle hadn't
been there for her ... who had done such cruel things to her and to Gabrielle?
Maybe ... or maybe not. This
Ares was a mortal man who, after all that, had given up the world for her ... at
least he and Gabrielle had that in common.
Given up? No, she had taken
everything from them, robbed Ares of his immortality and Gabrielle of more
things than she could allow herself to think about ... They both loved her so
much -- and now she was going to destroy one of them... hell, probably both. And this is supposed to be the new me, the new Xena who's
left her evil ways behind. Great
going there, Xena. She was going to
destroy them both and she'd be left all alone ... except for Eve, only she had
never been a real mother to Eve, either... She had wanted to serve the Greater Good, and she'd been no
good to anyone she cared about -- her mother, her children, Gabrielle... Ares...
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