Xena Finds An Ally (McBeal)

ForevaXena's FanFic . . .

Xena Finds An Ally (McBeal)

by jan gyn

Rating: PG13 (some violence, reference to bulimic body type)

The dimensional vortex dilated. Out spilled Xena, Gabrielle, and their arch enemy with the arched eyebrows, Callisto. The vortex puckered, shot forked lightning and vanished with a slurping noise.

"Where have the gods sent us?", yelled Xena, her sword wavering on Callisto but her eyes darting about. Gabrielle was searching for her staff and Callisto's eyes danced gleefully about their new surroundings. They were in the twentieth century, in the law offices of 'Ally McBeal'.

Elaine, the nosy receptionist, smiled quizzically at the trio. "My, my, what big girls you are. Tell me, are you on your way to a Halloween party, or is this retro fashion gone too far?"

Gabrielle, assuming she'd have to be the mature one in this strange situation, elbowed herself in front. "Ma'am, what is this place? We're from a different place and time."

Elaine giggled. "Girl, that's an understatement. This is the end of twentieth century America, honey, Fox Network, to be exact, and judging from your ridiculous outfits, I'd say you're all fugitives from that godawful Renaissance Pictures."

"What in Tartarus are you talking about," growled Xena. "We were in Greece, trying to save Seraphin from that one there.' She pointed her sword at Callisto.

"Xena, dearest," Callisto hissed back, "It's not me you have to worry about, it's Dahak!"

Elaine stood with her hands on her hips. "Silly geese. Obviously you three crossed over, both dimension-wise and network-wise." She shook her head with a smirk. "Don't you get it? We're all fictional characters."

"Is that so?" replied Gabrielle, who looked Elaine up and down. "If I were you, I'd ask the gods for a rewrite."

"Funny." Elaine punched her phone with her finger. "Georgia, get yourself out here to check out the fashion victims." Xena started to chop the phone line with her sword, then stopped, mesmerized by Elaine's computer screen saver.

"Lookit, Xena." Gabrielle picked up a staple remover. "What a cool toy dragon."

"Hey, Xena, look at this guy here." Callisto stood with drawn sword before the copy machine, which was flashing and humming as it spit out and collated copies. "What a curious creature."

"It's a Xerox, you idiot." Elaine winked at Georgia who was peering shyly from her door and mouthing "call security".

Callisto prodded the buttons with the point of her sword. "Xerox? Is it a God?"

Something hissed. Ling, the office's princess of darkness, rose like a cobra from behind a potted fern. Callisto smiled, Ling smiled back. They both regarded one another with a curious stare.

"Ares!" yelled Xena, looking at the florescent ceiling lights. "Is this your doing?

"Pipe down, chunky." Elaine pointed her finger into Xena's breastplate. "This is the law offices of "Ally McBeal". We're lawyers. We don't go for any of that horoscope claptrap. Take it down the hall to the 'X-Files'. She blew a strand of hair from her forehead. "And if I were you, I'd lose the bangs." "Hey!" Ling glared at Ellaine. "I like these guys. They're fun!"

"You would," sniffed Elaine, "but I suppose it's professional courtesy among bitches."

Callisto stepped forward. "Lady, you're an even more irritating blonde than shorty here."

"Callisto," sighed Gabrielle, "this 'trash Gabby' shtick is wearing a little thin."

Elaine giggled, pointing at all three. "My, my, we're all being 'snappish' today."

Callisto's eyes sparked. "Snap this."

"Callisto, no!" screamed Xena.

Callisto lunged forward with a scream, chopping off Elaine's hand.

Elaine held her stump before her bulging eyes and screamed as her face was sprayed with blood.

"Whoa!" said Ling.

John Cage, the quirky lawyer with the curly hair, emerged zombie- like from his office with furrowed brow and his finger over pursed lips. "Ladies, this situation disturbs me..."

Xena, Gabrielle, and Callisto screamed in unison. "Dahak!" An alarm sounded. Everybody else dropped to the floor. Xena and Callisto warily advanced with their swords drawn. Gabrielle flailed behind them, looking for a weapon.

"OH- MY- GOD!" Ally McBeal, who had been hiding behind the coat tree, recoiled from Gabrielle. "GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!"

Gabrielle stared wide eyed with her hand over her mouth. "Sorry, ma'am, but I thought you were my staff!"

Ally glared back. "You just WISH you could be so thin."

"Whoa!" said Ling. With a howl the dimensional rift reopened. Xena ran to it. "Let's get out of here, girls, this place has deeper horrors than anything in Tartarus."

Ling looked at Callisto with puddling eyes. "Take me with you, please." She held out her hand.

"Of course, my dear." Callisto grabbed Ling, and all four jumped into the vortex, which shot lightning before it closed, leaving a furious Ally McBeal stamping her feet in a bloodstained law office ringing with alarms.

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