ForevaXena's FanFic . . .

Lessons Of Love by Julia Ford

Disclaimers:  The characters Xena, Gabrielle, and company are owned by MCA/Universal/Renaissance Pictures/Studios USA, and are used here without permission but with many thanks.  The other characters are my creation and are not intended to resemble anyone else living or dead.  My apologies if the story and or characters resemble anyone else’s!

Subtext:  Yes, there is "subtext" verging on out and out "text".  If you object to intimate relationships between two women or if it is illegal where you live or for your age, do not read any further.  There is a short flashback to some rough sex.  If the paragraph or two will bother you, perhaps you should skip this story.

Violence:  Not too much, but this is Xena.  What more can I say.

Spoilers:  Assumes you have seen Season 6 episodes "The Haunting of Amphipolis" and "Heart of Darkness".

A suggestion: This story follows my first story "Finding Our Way".  You might want to read it first, but it is not required.

Cover by ForevaXena

(Click photo for larger image)

Xena’s heart wrenching scream echoed throughout the cave, waking the bard dozing by her side.

"Xena, Xena, come on Xena it is just a nightmare.  It’s OK.  You don’t have to worry I’m here.  I’ll always be here for you.  Calm down.  I love you so much.  Hush now.  Your lover is here. Don’t worry, I will always love you.  Oh Eli, if only you could wake up!" 

Gabrielle struggled with the warrior to calm her.  The good news, if you could call it that, was that as Xena grew weaker it was not such a battle for Gabrielle to keep Xena from hurting herself when the nightmares took control.  The bad news of course was that Xena was getting weaker...much weaker...as the days passed.  Gradually Xena calmed down as the bard sat with her arms around her and told the warrior how much she was loved.  The bard’s touch and words were the only things that seemed to help the nightmares abate.  Eventually Xena dozed off.  Gabrielle lay her head on the top of Xena’s and tears of fear and exhaustion filled her eyes and flowed freely.

It had been seven long days since Gabrielle last saw her warrior awake and alert.  Since then it had been an awful marathon of fitful sleep and dreadful nightmares for Xena.  Gabrielle just couldn’t seem to get her to wake up and she couldn’t figure out what was causing Xena’s problems.  All she knew was that the key to calming Xena lay in holding her and telling her that she loved her.  No other words or actions could penetrate the nightmares.

The seven days of little or no sleep had taken its toll on Gabrielle too.  She was pale and drawn but, in comparison to Xena, in much better condition.    The warrior had, despite not being awake, virtually no real sleep and less food in the last week.  It was only by force that Gabrielle had been able to get water and broth down the warrior’s throat.

Gabrielle looked bleakly around Gaia’s cave giving thanks that at least it was safe, dry, and had a small spring of very drinkable water way at the back.  She had managed with Argo’s help to get the very, very ill warrior here just as Xena lost all awareness of the world around her.  Gabrielle’s plan had been to get back to Eve and Eli’s followers, but with Xena totally out of it continuing was not a possibility.  Right now the only glimmer of hope that Gabrielle had was that the wood gatherer she had seen in the forest would be able to locate Celica and give her the message she had sent with him.

Exhaustion overtook the bard as she held Xena and for a short time she slept.

"Gabrielle, Gabrielle are you here?"  The sound of the voice started Gabrielle out of her sleep and she jumped up disoriented, but with weapons raised.  No matter how stupid, with that just woken up type of stupidity, Gabrielle was feeling, nobody would have made it to Xena without one hell of a fight.

"Who’s there?"

 "Gabrielle, it’s me, Celica."

Slowly the bard lowered her weapons and looked at the woman who had wisely stopped just at the entrance of the cave.

"Thanks be!  Celica, you don’t have any idea what a sight for sore eyes you are.  Come in."

The older woman came in gasped slightly as she got close enough to see Gabrielle’s face in the torchlight.  When she had last seen the bard she was strong, healthy, and had a light in her eyes.   Now, well now it was like looking a mirror image.  Gabrielle was weak, pale, bruised, and her eyes showed a woman in near despair. 

"Gabrielle, you look awful." Celica walked towards Gabrielle and gathered her up in as strong a hug as the elderly lady could muster.  For a brief moment Gabrielle allowed herself to seek strength from the hug, before she pulled away.  With tears in her eyes, she looked at Celica and could only utter one word "Xena".

If Celica had been shocked at Gabrielle’s appearance, nothing could have prepared her for Xena’s.  The warrior looked as if death were waiting at her shoulder.  After Celica recovered from her shock, she looked at Gabrielle and said, "we need to take her back to town and the healer -- now."

"We can’t."

"Why not?  She’ll die if we can’t figure out what’s wrong!"

"Celica, we can’t take her to the inn because we would get tossed out the first time she has one of the nightmares that have been plaguing her.  You see she tends to...."

As if on cue the warrior started to howl again as one of the torturous nightmares started to eat away at her.  Gabrielle dropped to her knees to try and get Xena out of the nightmare with words of love, kisses and tender touches.  Gradually Xena calmed down. 

Gabrielle looked up at Celica with tears in her eyes.

"Point taken...you will come with me to my place.  And don’t argue, just respect your elder...OK?"

Gabrielle nodded and smiled sadly.  She was, truth be known, just too tired to argue.

Celica walked over to the opening of the cave and shouted, "Peter!"

"Yes, Celica?" 

"It’s worse than I thought.  Get Gabrielle’s horse saddled and put a halter on Argo.  Xena is in no shape to ride so we will have to carry her in the litter.  Are your men ready?"

"You bet.  I left them in the glen as you asked."

"Ok, we want to keep the location of this cave secret, so the three of use will have to find a way to get Xena down to the glen."

"We’ll manage."  The town reeve was about to leave to give the men their orders when he paused and looked over at Gabrielle.  "You, Xena and Gaia saved our town from destruction at the hand of Philip.  We will not let Xena die!"

Gabrielle looked up from where she sat cradling Xena’s body and thanked him with her eyes before he left the cave.

"You stay there," said Celica as she started to gather up their things from around the cave.  "Why didn’t you send me the message sooner?"

"I was afraid to leave Xena alone for any length of time.  Sometimes when the nightmares strike, she tries to kill herself.  It was just by chance that I came across the woodcutter this morning.  I’m sorry."  As soon as the words "I’m sorry" were out of Gabrielle’s mouth she could have sworn her heard her warrior saying, "Don’t be sorry Gabrielle, just do better."  With that Gabrielle wiped her tears away and gathered what was left of her strength so she could help move the warrior to the litter.

***

The trip to the town had been brutally difficult.  Between the nightmares which had increased when Xena’s body was in motion and the horses that had reacted badly to her screams, well Gabrielle said a prayer of thanks when Xena was finally carried in to Celica’s and laid on a big bed in large airy room.  Once everyone was gone, Gabrielle did all she could to make Xena comfortable including giving her a sponge bath, washing her hair, and dressing her in a soft sleep shirt.  She debated changing the bandage on Xena’s leg wound, but decided to leave it for the healer to take a look at.

"Gabrielle, she’s here."

"Who's she?"

"The healer," said Celica as she led a middle-aged woman into the room.  "Let her check Xena over.  Come have tea with me."

Gabrielle motioned for the healer to come in, but declined to join Celica for tea.  She knew the healer would have questions.

"My name is Rylene," said the healer as she put her basket of supplies down.  "Before I look at Xena, are you alright?  Those are pretty wicked looking bruises!

"I’m ok.  Honestly, I’m ok.  Please help Xena."  

"Ok, let’s talk about your friend here.  What are the symptoms and how have you been treating them?"

Gabrielle sat on the edge of the bed and looked sadly at the woman.  She told her of how they went to the local healer who stitched up a gash in Xena’s leg left over from the day’s adventure and gave them herbs to replenish their stock..  Then she continued to tell her about the warrior’s getting even sicker as they travelled and the horrors of the last seven days.

"Hmmm, show me the herbs you got from the other healer."

Gabrielle got up and gave her the pouch, showing her which herbs they had used.    "Oh, I almost forgot," she added "here is the salve he gave me for her leg."

Rylene took the herbs and the salve, sniffed them, and then said, "Everything seems fine."

The healer then turned to Xena and started to examine her from head to toe.  When she got to the leg wound Rylene took off the bandage and carefully examined the injury.

"Gabrielle, would you characterize Xena as a quick healer or a slow one?"

"Usually she is amazing.  She can have the worst injuries and within days she is much better.  Within a week you usually wouldn’t even know that she had been hurt.  Often she doesn’t even scar.  The wound hasn’t healed anywhere near as quickly as I expected."

Rylene looked very, very closely at the wound.  Although not obviously infected, there was something just not right about it.

"Gabrielle, I have to open this up.  Would you get me some hot water, a sharp knife, and a candle?"

"Sure," said the bard and with a few minutes she was back with the supplies.  "Celica already had water on to heat.  Here it is."

The healer nodded her thanks, heated the knife, and set to work to cut the stitches and reopen the wound.  As the healer worked Xena started to stir so Gabrielle went, sat beside her, started to stroke her hair and whisper endearments to her in attempt to stave off the nightmares.  Rylene, smiled briefly at Gabrielle, then went back to her work.

"What on earth?"  The healer exclaimed in surprise as she pulled a bit of gold chain out of the wound.

Gabrielle looked up to see Rylene holding about two inches of chain with an intricate design on it in between her fingers.

"How did that get there?  A dagger, not a chain, wounded Xena..."

"Don’t know Gabrielle," said the healer as she tossed the metal in the hot water to clean it off.  Once she had cleaned and re-stitched Xena’s leg, she dried the chain and handed it to Gabrielle who looked at intently.

"I’ve seen this pattern before somewhere," said Gabrielle as she turned the chain over in her hand.  "Somehow it makes me think of Aphrodite."

After a few minutes the healer straightened up from putting ointment and a fresh dressing on Xena’s leg, washed her hands, and started to pack her basket. 

"That wound should have a chance to heal now that the chain is out.  I see no reason for Xena’s nightmares so they may be related to the leg.  Try to get some broth into her."

"Ok."

The healer was turning to leave when she turned to Gabrielle and sternly said "And get some food into yourself.  You can’t help her if you are fainting from lack of food and sleep.  Got it?"

Gabrielle nodded.

"And one more thing...here is some witch hazel for your bruises.  Use it, OK?"

"OK, and thanks," said Gabrielle as she decided not to protest that she was fine, because she knew she wasn’t.

"Don’t worry Rylene, I’ll make sure she behaves herself," said Celica who had been standing in the doorway for the last couple of minutes listening and watching intently.

"Thanks Celica.  I’ll be back to check on them both a little later."

"Gabrielle?"

"Yes Celica?"

"Get cleaned up and comfortable.  There’s a bath ready in the next room.  Go...I’ll sit with Xena until you get back.  Then we can eat and talk."

After her bath and in fresh clothes, Gabrielle was feeling better than she had in days.  She was also really hungry and thankful for the hot food that was waiting.  When she got back to their room, she paused at the door as she watched Celica gently spooning broth into Xena’s mouth and stroking her throat to encourage the warrior to swallow.

"Oh Gabrielle, I hope you don’t mind?"

"No, she’s in good hands with you."

"She has had a bit.  We can give her more after we eat."

Gabrielle sat down and thankfully started to dig into food in front of her.  She realised just how little she had eaten during the last week and enjoyed every mouthful.  With a contented sigh she pushed herself away from the table and looked over a Celica.

Xena suddenly shattered the peace.

"No, no, anything but that...don’t leave me...Nooooo" the warrior’s cry of despair echoed through the room. 

Gabrielle bounded to the warrior’s side almost knocking the table over as she went.

"Xena, Xena...I’m here my love.  You’re safe and loved.  I love you so much.  Your lover is here," Gabrielle cooed at the warrior as she gently started to stroke Xena’s cheek.  Then she placed a soft kiss on Xena’s lips.  The nightmare receded.

Gabrielle slipped into the bed and behind Xena with one leg on either side of the warrior, so she could rest against the wall and hold Xena.

"Should I come back?"

"No Celica, please stay.  Xena will sleep again for a bit.  You know, that nightmare was a little different.  Maybe it’s an improvement.  She actually said some intelligible words.  Usually it is just a scream or at most the word ‘No’," said Gabrielle.

Celica moved her chair beside the bed.  Settling down she looked at Gabrielle and said, "do you have the strength to tell me about what happened?"

Gabrielle rested her cheek on Xena’s head for a moment as if to gather her strength, then she recounted the tale for Celica.

***

As you know, after we buried Gaia’s ashes we headed to Amphipolis to visit Xena’s mother.  The message we had received saying Cyrene was alive and well was wrong...terribly wrong.  Eve joined us and it was a good thing she did because Amphipolis was haunted and...well...let’s just say that the visit was something else again.  A tale for another time. Anyway, after we left Amphipolis Eve went to visit some of Eli’s followers while we decided to take a rather circuitous route that would eventually lead us past your town.  We didn’t take a direct route because we were curious to see how things had changed.  By Eli, I wish we had just taken the direct route!

We were taking the trip in easy stages, enjoying each other’s company and starting to get a feeling for how the world has changed in the last 25 years.  It was odd seeing new villages where there were once only fields.  Generally we had a good reception wherever we went.  Part of that was because the story of the defeat of Philip is making the rounds, partly because some of the stories from our travels together from before Eve’s birth are still remembered, and partly because of Xena being the champion of Eli and the killer of the gods.  Anyway, mostly the trip was very pleasant.  Of course some things have not changed...there are still thieves out to rob travellers.  They did not get very far with us!  It was quiet enough that I was hoping Xena would talk to me about what Gaia had made her promise to tell me.

Anyway, one day we were riding towards a village called Theron and Xena got very quiet, even for her.  She was edgy and didn’t seem to want to go to Theron.  I asked her about it and got the standard "It’s nothing Gabrielle" response so I didn’t bother asking again.  I wish I had now.  Unlike at the other villages, our reception was rather frosty.  Particularly the older people seemed to be avoiding Xena.  They looked sort of scared, sort of angry.  I was about to suggest to Xena that we not bother with a room for the night, but just pick up supplies and camp out.  I didn’t like the feel of the place at all.  Never got to make my suggestion, because just then a horse rode in with a man’s body strapped to the saddle.  He had been brutally beaten and was barely alive to give his message that the warlord Verties was going to destroy them...and unlike the last time a warlord was in town there would be nothing left alive and no buildings left standing.  When that part of the message was delivered there were lots of glances in Xena’s direction.

Theron had a village defensive force and Xena and I joined with them.  Verties attacked with a ferociousness that was to be expected from how he had beaten the messenger.  I guess he didn’t count on Xena being in town.  You know, she made the difference and Verties’ forces were defeated.  During the battle Verties made the mistake of attacking Xena directly.  That’is such a dumb move.  He won’t attack anyone else ever again.

Xena got the cut we just dug the chain out of during the fight.  After it was over we went to get our medical supplies out of Argo’s saddle bag, but they were missing, so we went to the local healer.  He stitched up the wound and helped us replenish what was missing from our medical kit.  Then we went to the inn and got a room for the night. 

People were giving Xena a really wide berth.  I could hear mutterings about how she once killed all the able bodied men and how ironic it was that she just finished saving them.  I’ve never heard the story of what happened at Theron, but it must have been significant to stick in their minds for all these years.  Anyway, we had supper and went to our room.  We were tired and wanted to get an early start so we settled down to sleep.  I tried to coax Xena into telling me the story of Theron, but she wouldn’t.

The next morning I work up first.  Really strange, because Xena’s always is up before me.  She had a bit of a fever and was feeling queasy.   I wanted us to go to the healers again, but she really wanted to just leave, so I got some supplies and we were off.  We decided it was time we headed back to Eve so we set a course in this direction.  By the end of the first evening, Xena was worse, much worse.  She could barely ride.  I was hoping a night’s sleep would help. 

The nightmares started that night.  She was very violent and reached for her sword.  I used force to try and stop her...the bruises show just how bright an idea that was.  She was about to raise her sword to kill me, still asleep, when I told her I loved her.  At those words the sword fell to her side and the nightmare eased.  The nightmares only ease when I tell her and show her my love.  I don’t know why that’s the key, but it is.  And...well...the more um...graphic I am in describing my love for her, and if I kiss her, the faster the nightmares recede.

The next morning she was just barely able to ride but insisted that we move on.  If it weren’t for Argo she would have fallen when she slipped into unconsciousness.  I guess Argo felt Xena starting to go and managed to position herself beside me just as Xena collapsed.  We were near Gaia’s cave so I mounted Argo behind Xena and held her until we got to the cave.  I was sure a few days would sort out whatever was ailing Xena.  Well, we were there for six days before you came.

Gabrielle was in tears and pretty close to exhausted by the time she finished the story.  Celica helped her to climb out from behind Xena and to settle the warrior down in the bed. 

"Gabrielle, you had best get some rest too.  I’ll be close by if you need help."

"Thanks."

Sleep came fairly quickly to Gabrielle and she actually got five or six hours before Xena’s nightmares started again.  The bard quickly soothed the warrior with kisses and words of love, and together they slept until dawn.

When dawn arrived Gabrielle was disoriented.  She was in a soft bed with a sleeping Xena by her side, but she could not for the life of her figure out where they were.  Gabrielle ran her hand through her hair and started to ease herself out of bed trying not to wake Xena.  As she moved, Xena started to toss and turn as if having a bad dream.  Quickly the dream turned to nightmare and Xena started to scream.  As the scream left the warrior’s lips, Gabrielle remembered exactly where she was and slid back into bed and gathered the screaming warrior in her arms, told her she loved her, and pleaded that she wake.

Xena settled in Gabrielle’s arms in what seemed to be a light sleep.  Gabrielle stroked the warrior’s face and kept imploring her to wake.

"Come on Xena.  You can do it.  I know you can.  You can wake up.  Oh Xena, you promised that you would never leave me.  I almost lost you to Lucifer, I can’t lose you now.  Wake up and be with me.  Please wake up."  Gabrielle voice cracked with emotion and she put her head down on Xena’s shoulder.  Tears slowly seeped from her eyes.

Gradually Gabrielle became aware of another person in the room.  Looking up she saw Celica looking in from the doorway. 

"I heard her scream and thought I should check to make sure you’re ok."

"Thanks Celica.  I think everything is under control for the moment.  I just wish she would wake up."

"Would you like some tea and breakfast?" asked Celica.

"Yes please," responded Gabrielle.

"Well stay there with your lover and I’ll bring it to you.  I don’t think she likes you being too far away."

"Celica?"

"Yes, Gabrielle"

"We...we...we’re not lovers.  By Eli I wish we were, but we have never been together in that way."

The older woman looked at them, shook her head and simply said, "well, you should be."  Then she left to get breakfast.

Celica’s words echoed in Gabrielle’s mind and heart.  As she held Xena in her arms she let herself indulge in her favourite fantasy...a fantasy that she had been dreaming much more frequently since that erotic dance she had with Xena in Amphipolis.

I see myself sitting near our campfire writing on a scroll and listening to Xena sharpening her sword.  Then I notice that the sound of sharpening has stopped and I look up to see Xena looking at me with the most loving look in her blue eyes.  She walks over to me and swoops me up in her arms as if I weighed no more than a feather and plants a kiss on my lips.  Then Xena says, "I’ve always loved you."  I put my arms around her neck and return the kiss and then tell Xena that I love her too.  Xena carries me over to our bedrolls and puts me down.  Then she strips off her amour and lies down beside me.  I move to get up but with one hand she pushes me back down.  I love her strength.  Then she whispers in my ear "don’t you want me?"    I tell her that I have wanted her for a very long time.  "Take me...take me now," I tell her.  Xena uses her strength and power and raw sexuality to make me hers. 

Gabrielle shook her head to clear her mind of her fantasy.  Quietly she whispered, "yes Celica, we should be."

"Should be what?" came Xena’s barely perceptible whisper.

"Xena!  You’re awake."

"Water?"

"Yes my lov...er Xena here it is."  Gabrielle reached over for the water skin on the nearby table and held it for Xena to drink from.

The warrior took a long drink.  When she was done she leaned back and looked up at the bard.  Her voice was a little stronger as she asked, "where?"

"We are in Celica’s home."

"How?" 

"I got us to Gaia’s cave before you became too ill to travel.  Then I got a message to Celica.  She, Peter and some of his men came and helped to get you here."

"What?"

"You got sick.  Do you remember anything from the last seven days?"

Xena’s eyes grew round with astonishment as she heard the question and she said, "Seven days?"

"Yep."

Xena had been struggling to sit up but now she fell back limply against Gabrielle, blown away by the news of how long she had been out of it.  After a few minutes Xena managed find the strength to turn enough to face Gabrielle. 

"Your face..." Xena reached up and gently touched Gabrielle face.  The bruises were fading, but still pretty obvious.

"Don’t worry about it.  I’m ok, especially now that you are finally awake."

Xena, her strength spent just by reaching up and stroking Gabrielle’s face once again fell limply against Gabrielle.  Together they sat there together in silence until Celica returned.

"Xena!  You’re awake," exclaimed a rather startled Celica as she walked in with breakfast.  "It’s so good to see your eyes again.  Here, start on this and I will get some more and bring it in."  She put the tray down on the table beside the bed and left.

"Here Xena, have some tea," said Gabrielle as she brought the mug to the warrior’s lips.

Xena had a sip and then ate a bit of bread that Gabrielle offered her.  As she ate the warrior realized that it must have been quite a while since she last ate.  As she slowly chewed, she struggled to remember her recent past. 

"It’s no good," though Xena.  "I have no memory of anything real since we left Theron.  Just the awful nightmares."

"Gabrielle?"

"Yes Xena?"

"What has been going on?"

"I’ll tell you as you get stronger," said the bard as she helped Xena take another sip of tea.

Xena would have protested that she wanted to know now, but she was too weak.  So, she quietly sipped from the mug Gabrielle offered her.  Soon sleep took Xena, but this time it was a natural sleep almost devoid of dreams or nightmares.

Over the next few days Xena started to regain her strength.  She was able to get up and walk around for longer and longer periods of time.  Most of the time her sleep was free of nightmares.  She had heard Gabrielle’s story of the seven days between her last memory of Theron and her first memory of waking up at Celica’s and still could not believe she had been out of it for that long.  But it did explain her extremely weakened state. 

For reasons Gabrielle couldn’t explain even to herself she had chosen not to tell Xena about the chain that the healer found in the warrior’s leg. 

Xena had been doing so well that Gabrielle went out one afternoon as Xena slept to check on the horses. Gabrielle visited with them for a while and then slowly started to walk back to Celica’s home.  For the first time since they left Theron, Gabrielle felt that everything was going to be ok...until she heard the warrior’s scream.  At a dead run she headed back to the house.

Xena was caught in a vividly real nightmare.  She had been betrayed by someone whom she thought had loved her and she left was alone and heartbroken.  The pain of the betrayal was so great that she knew she had to stop it somehow...anyhow.  Still dazed she rolled out of the bed and reached for her sword. 

"I’ll end this pain.  I can stop it," or so thought the warrior in her sleep as she turned the blade towards herself.

Gabrielle reached the threshold of the room just in time to see Xena place the blade to her heart.

"Noooo" cried Gabrielle as she grabbed her staff and in a single movement swung it and brought the sword out of Xena’s hands.

Slowly Xena looked up at the bard with eyes full of fear and sadness.

"What did you think you were doing?" Gabrielle asked her voice shaking with emotion.

"You left me..."

"Give me a break I was just checking on the horses!  I’ll never leave you.  Don’t you know that by now?"  Gabrielle was shaking she was so upset.  Then she realised that Xena wasn’t really awake so she gently put her arms around Xena and murmured,

"Xena, you are not alone.  I’m here and I love you.  Tell me about the nightmare?"

Xena shook her head as if to wake up, and looked at Gabrielle.  Then, for the first time, Gabrielle was told about the nature of the nightmares.  All of them were about how Xena had been made to believe she was loved, only to find that she had been used and abused.

Gabrielle held the shaking warrior until she calmed.

**

The next day Xena was noticeably stronger and Gabrielle decided it was time to ask about Theron.  She was sure it the warrior’s past connections with Theron were somehow related to Xena’s nightmares.

"Xena, I have to know about Theron.  All of your nightmares started when we where there.  What happened in Theron when you were a warlord?"

"Gabrielle..."

"Look, I know you don’t want to tell me, but it is the major key to figuring out what is wrong with you, " said Gabrielle.   

There was no answer from Xena.   Gabrielle, seeing that Xena was not prepared to talk, reached over and pulled out the gold chain that the healer had dug out of Xena’s leg and said, "And this is another key.  Does this mean anything to you?"

Xena’s sharp uptake of air was enough to confirm to Gabrielle that the chain was indeed something Xena had seen before.

"Where did you get that!?"

"Out of the wound in your leg.  Seems the healer in Theron put it there.  Xena, tell me about Theron!"  

"Theron...you want to know what happened in Theron."  Xena was pacing the room like a caged creature.  She knew Gabrielle was right, but memories from Theron were not the ones she wanted to re-live.

"Ok, Gabrielle, here goes, but it is not a pretty tale.  Theron was close enough to Amphipolis that it was one of the villages I recruited to form a unified defence against Cortese and any other scum sucking warlord who might want to try and reach Amphipolis.  It started out as an alliance.  My army would bolster up their local guard in exchange for supplies.  I thought it was working out well.  Naive puppy I was sometimes. 

One of the times my army made camp outside their gates I went into the village because I was curious to meet the Oracle of Theron.  She had an excellent reputation for prophecy.  I wanted to know the destiny of my army and the offensive I was about to start on some villages further to the east that were defying me."

"Did you get the answers you wanted?"

"No.  The oracle had a different agenda than I did.  I hadn’t given warning that I would be visiting, but the oracle was expecting me anyway.  As I walked in she welcomed me and told me that she had a gift from the gods for me.  I was hoping it was a weapon from Ares and was I ever disappointed to discover it was a bracelet from Aphrodite!

The oracle laid the bracelet on the table in front of me.  That bit of chain you showed me was part of the bracelet.  Anyway the oracle told me that if I wore the bracelet I would always know true love.  I would know if my lovers were there because we loved each other, or because they wanted to use sex to satisfy lust or to gain power over me.  It would also let me know if I was using them to satisfy my carnal lust or because I wanted to gain power over them. 

You know, I was too young and stupid to realize what a gift I was being offered.  Instead of thanking the oracle and Aphrodite, I told the oracle I had no need of the gift.  I always made love with people for lust or to get power over them and use them for my purposes.  That’s the way I wanted it.  I was sure that to really love someone would make me weak.  I snarled at the oracle that I would never let anyone else use love to use and abuse me again.  It had already happened, and never again. 

Then I asked her about my war effort.  She refused the change topics and in frustration I drew my blade and brought it down on the bracelet, cutting it into two pieces.  Boy, that startled her.  Then I sheathed my sword and turned to walk away.  Behind me I heard the oracle tell me that now that I had busted the bracelet, I was cursed.  I would never be able to recognize true love until I wore the bracelet I was being offered.  I ignored the oracle and kept walking.  Her last words were that we would meet again when I’d grown up.

After I left the oracle, I found Darphus and gave him a bag of dinars.  I told him I wanted a woman who could take rough sex.  I was so frustrated by the exchange with the oracle that I thought a good roll in the sack would help me calm down.  I told him to bring the woman to my tent...and he did."

Gabrielle was in some ways really attracted to the thought of Xena engaging in rough sex, but in other ways disgusted at the thought of Xena with a whore.  "So you used and abused her?" she asked.

"Yeah, I used her.  I had paid for the right to use her, but I didn’t abuse her."  Xena paused before she continued.  She had always hated telling Gabrielle about her warlord days, and this was worse than usual.

"Gabrielle, Darphus had done as I asked and got a woman who knew about rough sex.  Don’t worry she gave back more than she got.  She was very, very experienced."

Xena’s memory brought up a picture of herself stripped naked and tied down spread eagle having the center of her passion being pumped with a vengeance and a breast being bitten deeply.   She saw herself arching upward begging for release from ache in the core of her being.  The woman Darphus brought to her complied by seductively yet very forcefully assaulting her body.  Xena got the release she wanted and her screams echoed though the camp.  Then, as Xena lay spend and breathing heavily following her orgasm, the woman leaned over her and whispered in her ear.

"It seems I have conquered a warlord.  Hmm, I think more torture is in order."  With that the woman smiled wickedly and moved towards one of Xena’s breasts, her teeth bared. 

She never reached her target for Xena snapped all the ropes that bound her as if they were mere thread and turned on the woman who had just serviced her.  All of Xena’s darkness welled up as she forced the woman under her and began the rough sexual seduction with the words "I am the conqueror tonight." While Xena’s actions were less than rape, they were much more aggressive than her usual style.  Full marks to the woman who shared Xena’s bed that night for her stamina.  Whatever else the sex was that night, Xena found it very satisfying. 

Xena thoughts were dark as she started to wonder what it would be like to push Gabrielle under her, rip off her clothes, force herself on her and have sex with her as she done with that whore so many years ago.  No sooner had the thought crossed her mind than Xena was engulfed and sickened with horror at the thought of violently forcing herself on the bard. 

Xena cried out, "Oh Gaia, no, no, no!" 

As Xena cried out she dropped to her hands and knees and started retching so quickly that Gabrielle could neither catch her nor get a basin for her.  It was several long minutes before the warrior stopped tossing her cookies all over the floor.  While racked by her heaving, Xena’s heart was breaking and her mind was conjuring up all sorts of torturous thoughts.  "How can I do it?" Xena’s heart cried out.  "How can I tell Gabrielle how much I love her when perhaps my love is just my dark side wanting a person to use between the sheets?  What if the darkness and lust I felt for Gabrielle when we were dealing with Lucifer wasn’t just from the evil streaming out of the portal to hell.  What if the darkness is all that I have to give in the way of love?  What if that Oracle at Theron was right?" 

Gabrielle was totally stunned when Xena dropped to the floor.  As Xena heaved, the bard felt as if her body was frozen and she couldn’t move.  It was only when Xena was totally spent, that Gabrielle pulled the warrior to her feet, led her away from the mess, and gently sat her on the side of the bed.

"Here, take a sip," said the bard as she handed Xena the water skin. 

Xena did as she was told, but seemed detached from the world.  She sat, her eyes unseeing, with her shoulders slumped.  She did not react as Gabrielle took a damp cloth and cleaned her up.

"Xena, stay right here and don’t move.  I’ll be right back."

Gabrielle got no form of acknowledgement that Xena had heard, but she didn’t seem likely to bolt or anything so Gabrielle went and cleaned up the mess on the floor.   When she turned back to Xena, the warrior had her head in her hands and was sobbing as if her heart had been cut in two.

"It’s ok Xena.  I’m here and you know I always will be," said Gabrielle and she sat beside Xena and held her tightly.

"Always?" Xena asked raggedly between sobs.

"Always!"  Gabrielle hugged Xena even more tightly.

Xena started to calm, assured at least in Gabrielle’s love for her, even if her love for Gabrielle was suspect.

"I can’t do it Gabrielle," Xena said very quietly. 

"Can’t do what?"

"I can’t honor the promise I made to Gaia." 

Xena’s shoulders slumped even lower as she made the statement.  As Gaia died, after defending Celica’s town with Xena and Gabrielle, she has extracted a promise from Xena.  You see Gaia had figured out that Xena loved Gabrielle and had made Xena promise that she would tell Gabrielle about the depth of her love sometime when they were not up to their asses in bad guys.  Now, Xena thought that to let Gabrielle know exactly how she, Xena, felt about the bard was impossible.  Until Xena knew if her passion for Gabrielle was true love or just that of her dark side wanting to use, abuse, and have power over the bard she couldn’t tell Gabrielle anything.

"Xena!"  Gabrielle’s voice was sharp as she pulled on Xena’s shoulders and turned the woman towards her.  "You’ve never failed to honour a promise you made to someone on a deathbed before!"

"I know, but I can’t!"  Xena’s eyes were glued to the floor.  She would not look at Gabrielle.

Gabrielle raised Xena’s chin and waited until the warrior looked at her.  The fear and pain in Xena’s eyes tugged at the bard’s heart.  In a much gentler voice Gabrielle asked,

"What do we have to do to help you keep that promise?  I know you’ll suffer if you don’t keep it."

"I have to find that Oracle and understand what I have to do to be able to recognize true love."

"Then we’ll find her together...and don’t even attempt to tell me you have to go alone."  Gabrielle’s tease about being left behind brought a shadow of a smile to the warrior’s lips, but her eyes remained tortured.

"Please, come with me.  Don’t make me go alone.  I need you," said Xena in a very low voice.

Gabrielle hugged the warrior fiercely and held her for a long time.  Finally she broke the silence by saying,

"I’ll be there every step of the way, but Xena, I need to know the rest of the rest of the Theron story before we go back there again."

Xena shivered, sighed, agreed, and continued the story.

"The next morning I woke up well before dawn and had the tingly sense I get just before battle.  Something was definitely not right.  I strapped on my weapons and went to check on the camp.  Basically everyone was asleep, so I went to check on the sentries.  I had posted them even though we were camped out near a friendly village.  The first one I came to was asleep...drugged...and almost before I could sound the alarm they attacked.  It seemed that they did not want to be allied with a bitch of a warlord who could not even recognize love when she saw it.  They really hadn’t counted on me being up so early.  Assumed that after my romp between the sheets I would sleep soundly for the rest of the night.  I was hard pressed to hold all of them off alone, but my men were quick to join the fray.  After we defeated those who attacked the camp, I gave orders to attack the village.  Nobody double crossed me and lived to tell the tale.  By the time we left there were no men still alive, except the very old or very young.  Good thing the oracle was a woman."

Gabrielle sat beside Xena, holding her tightly and stroking her hair.  It was much later when Xena felt a soft kiss on her cheek and heard Gabrielle saying, "We’ll thank Celica and head back to Theron tomorrow."

**

Xena and Gabrielle arrived in Theron just as day darkened into twilight.  The warrior had not yet fully recovered from her ordeal and the trip, short as it was, exhausted her.  She did not disagree when Gabrielle insisted that they get a room for the night and visit the Oracle in the morning.  So, while Gabrielle went to negotiate the room Xena took the horses to the stable.

Twilight had faded into darkness by the time Xena was finished with the horses and made her way up to the room Gabrielle had secured for them.  Xena was thankful for the smell of food as she walked in, for it meant that she would not have to deal with anyone in the inn’s tavern.  Gods knew she was too tired right now to deal with herself, let alone anyone else.  It was with a long sigh that she sat down and started to pull off her boots.

"Here, let me help," said Gabrielle as she knelt down in front of Xena.  With two strong yanks, the boots were off.  Then off came Xena’s amour, weapons and bracers which were then carefully laid in a pile on a chair by Xena’s side of the bed.

Gabrielle had sensed the warrior’s profound fatigue and not only had brought supper up to their room, but had ensured the room was far away from the main area of the inn.  If Xena was to face a difficult part of her past tomorrow, Gabrielle wanted to make sure Xena was well rested as possible when she did.

"I’ve got a basin with some clean water here for you, Xena"

"Thanks," said Xena as she went over to the washstand and cleaned up.  The warm water on her hands and face helped to both relax and refresh the warrior.  As she straightened up Gabrielle tossed her a towel. 

"Thanks, again."

"Not a problem," said Gabrielle as she started to fill a plate of food for the warrior and another for herself.

Xena sniffed appreciatively and walked over to the small table in the corner of the room and sat down in front of the plate. 

"Water?"

"Yeah.  Water would be great," replied Xena.

Gabrielle poured a mug for her warrior and herself.

It took all of Xena’s energy to eat.  The very act of cutting her food, picking it up, and chewing it drained her pitiful energy reserves.  If it weren’t for the fact that Xena knew she had to eat in order to replenish her energy, she would have pushed the plate away and headed directly to bed.  After the last bit was consumed, Xena sat at the table looking out the window over the village with unseeing eyes.

Gabrielle got up and moved behind Xena and started to massage her shoulders, a long deep massage to ease the knotted muscles that bore testament to the stress Xena was feeling.  Other than stress, Gabrielle was not really sure how Xena was feeling.  The warrior had been distant since she had been sick while telling Gabrielle the story of Theron.

As Gabrielle kneaded the knotted muscles, Xena seemed melt into her hands, as if relishing the contact. 

"You’re taking good care of me, Gabrielle," said Xena turning in the chair to face the bard "thanks."

"You’ve always looked after me.  Xena, you should know by now that I would do anything for you.  I love you."

Xena stood and paused for a moment to fight the demons in her mind that were trying to tell her that she did not really love Gabrielle she just wanted to use her.  Then, listening to her heart, not caring that it might be a traitor, she enveloped Gabrielle in a huge hug.  She kept the bard in her arms for a long moment before whispering in her ear,

"I love you Gabrielle.  Whatever happens tomorrow, please remember that I love you."

"Xena, nothing you can do will make me forget that you love me," whispered Gabrielle.

Xena’s struggle with her demons intensified with Gabrielle’s words.  The warrior so wanted to take Gabrielle, lay her down on the bed, and make love to her.  She wanted to, but would not trust herself.  Not until she knew for sure if her desire was out of true love or some horrible dark side of herself.

Although Xena had continued to hug Gabrielle as she fought her demons, Gabrielle could feel the struggle and hugged the warrior all the harder.

That night they slept wrapped in each other’s arms.

**

When Xena and Gabrielle walked into the oracle’s room the next morning, the woman’s back was turned away from them.  Before they could announce themselves, they heard the oracle chuckle to her self and mutter,  "Well, well, well...the warlord has finally returned to hear the rest of the prophecy.  My son is going to be so glad.  He knew I’d never kick the bucket without finishing what I started."

"‘Bout time ye showed up, don’t ye think?" 

The elderly woman who had not seen Xena for over 30 years turned slowly to peer at Xena and Gabrielle. 

"Leave yer weapons by the door.  I don’t want ye scaring the daylights out of me again," said the oracle as she motioned them to come in and sit down.  Then the oracle took a candle she held the flame near Xena’s face as if to be able to see her better.

"Humph.  They said ye’d had been frozen and your body had not aged for 25 years.  Seems that is true.  I hope yer soul has aged since ye were last here!"

Xena fidgeted in her seat not knowing what to say.  "Has my soul aged?" Xena asked herself.  "I know it has, but has it aged enough?"  Xena was not at all sure.

Now it was Gabrielle’s turn to have the candle waved in front of her face. Recognition swept over the oracle’s face and she said, "Ah, ye be Gabrielle from Poteidaia.  Nice hair cut.  Welcome."

Gabrielle was startled to see the recognition in the oracle’s eyes and to hear the warmth in her voice.  As far as she knew, she had never laid eyes on this woman before.  Yet as Gabrielle looked at the oracle, her stress level waned significantly.  No matter what the past meeting with Xena had been like, Gabrielle did not believe the woman held any malice towards them.  Gabrielle smiled and simply said, "thank you" in response to the oracle’s greeting. 

As Gabrielle’s stress level was decreasing, Xena’s was going through the roof!  Her mind was racing in double overtime.  "How could the oracle possibly know Gabrielle?  I hadn’t even met Gabrielle when I first talked with this oracle.  Has this woman read my heart and found Gabrielle there?  Is that how she knows Gabrielle?"

"Warlord!"

The sharpness of the oracle’s voice cut through Xena’s thoughts and brought her back to reality.

"Please, please don’t call me that."  Xena’s voice was soft and almost pleading.  "I left my warlord days about five years before our icy entombment.  I have no desire to go back to that time in my life nor to have that title again."

"Humph, the arrogant kitten who was in here years ago would be disappointed in ye, don’t ye think?"

"Yes, the arrogant kitten would have been.  I am not."  Xena’s voice was still very soft.  There was no way she wanted to upset or challenge the oracle.  Too much depended on what the oracle’s words would be for her.

The oracle looked at Xena intently.  "I know why ye’ve come, but I want to hear ye say it."

"Please, I need to know what I was too arrogant to hear all those years ago.  I am asking you to finish telling me about the bracelet and how I can know true love.  I’m sorry for how I behaved before."  Xena lowered her head waited for the oracle’s response.

"Humph, maybe ye can take the warlord out of the woman," the oracle muttered obviously to herself.  In a louder voice she continued, "show me the part of the bracelet ye carry."

Gabrielle fished out of her pouch and laid it on the table. 

"Don’t have the guts to carry it yerself, Xena?" asked the oracle as she picked up the chain and turned it over in her hands.  "Bet it gave ye some fierce nightmares!"

Xena shivered and nodded.

"Ok, I’m not getting any younger, so here be the scoop.  Xena, ye have to take this part of the bracelet up to Mount Eligal.  There ye will find a cave.  ‘Tis well guarded.  Once inside ye will find an altar on which ye will lay down yer weapons, all of them, and yer amour.  Then ye must put this piece of bracelet beside the other piece ye will find there.  The bracelet will be made whole again.  Once it is, put it on."  The oracle paused and looked intently at Xena.

"That’s it?" asked Gabrielle, unable to contain the question.

"Nope, there’s more."  The oracle continued to look Xena in the eye until the warrior dropped her gaze to the table.

"Xena, what are ye prepared to give to know the gift Aphrodite has for ye? 

"Anything but Gabrielle, including my life," said Xena lifting her eyes from the table to once again look at the oracle.

"Humph, I think you mean it.  Good. Travel alone to the cave.  Ye should be able to withstand what awaits ye.  I have no more words of wisdom for ye, but another ye’ll meet there will.  Now wait outside until I have spoken with yer friend here."

"Thank you," said Xena as she rose to leave.  Turning she paused to give Gabrielle’s shoulder a brief squeeze.  "I’ll see you outside when you are done."

"Wait," said the oracle and Xena turned to look back at her.

"Thought ye might like to know that your love for yer daughter is pure. As was yer love for Solan"

The tears welled in Xena’s eyes as that burden of uncertainty was lifted from a corner of her heart.  She just wished the oracle could have said the same about her feelings towards Gabrielle.

"Ye’ll know the answer to the other question in yer heart before ye leave the cave."

Xena nodded her thanks, collected her weapons, and left.

Gabrielle turned her attention to the oracle.  She was surprised at the request to speak to her alone, just as she had been surprised that the oracle seemed to know her somehow.

"How much will ye give?" asked the oracle.

"Whatever it takes, short of killing Xena," replied Gabrielle instantly.

"Good, good.  Ye know ye’ve changed a lot since I last saw ye."  The oracle looked in to Gabrielle’s eyes and saw the confusion there.

"Don’t let it prey on ye trying to figure out if ye have ever seen me.  Ye’ve not." 

If Gabrielle was confused before, she was totally out to sea now.

"Now Gabrielle, don’t ye be worrying about it.  Aphrodite showed ye to me in a vision before Xena visited the first time.  I was to tell Xena that if she ever lost the bracelet or it was stolen that she could still find her true love, a fair-haired bard from Poteidaia!  Seems Aphrodite was right about ye loving the warlord."

"Please don’t call her that.  Its not who she is now." Gabrielle’s voice showed anger in it as she defended Xena.

"Humph, trying to defend her.  Good.  She’ll need that!  Want to know what yer job be?"

Gabrielle meekly replied, "Yes, please."

"Leave here a half day after Xena does and follow her.  It’s ok if she marks her path for ye, although if it is marked for ye others might follow too!  Ye and she can sort that out.  Anyway, do not go into the cave until after Xena has put on the bracelet.  She will need ye to defend her." 

"What will she need defending from?" asked Gabrielle, curious to know what the trials of both Xena and she were to be.

"Nope, that is not mine to tell, but yers to discover," said the oracle smiling at the bard.

"One hint, take a good supply of provisions with ye, including a well stocked healing kit.  I hear pickings are kinda slim up on the mountain."

With that the oracle got up and was about to move to the back room when Gabrielle asked, "will you tell me how the piece of chain got into Xena’s wound?"

"Sure...my son the healer put it in.  He survived the attack by Xena’s army because he was too young at the time to bother killing.  I think he thinks it’s time I retire from the prophecy business, so he wanted to force Xena to come back to me."

"Thank you for all you have shared with us," said Gabrielle.

The oracle put a hand on her arm.  "Ye can share with her your traveling to Mt. Eligal, but the rest you must keep to yourself, particularly this bit.  She can’t be sure right now, but ye should be.  She loves ye.  If ye tell her, she will never know for herself...so don’t tell her.  Promise me?" 

"I promise," replied Gabrielle.

With that the oracle left and Gabrielle walked out into the mid-morning air to find Xena.

**

They spent the rest of the day collecting provisions for the journey and trying to give Xena a little more time to gather her strength.  Neither of then liked the fact that Xena was going to have to deal with whatever was guarding the cave alone in her less than 100% condition.

"We have to leave tomorrow.  Yes, I know it is a risk, but I must go.  Can you understand?" asked Xena as they stood by the window of their room at the inn looking out at the sunset.

Gabrielle shivered at bit but nodded in the affirmative.  She did not trust her voice just then.

The attentive warrior noticed the shiver and pulled Gabrielle close to her and wrapped her arms around her.  They stood there until the sun set and darkness filled their room.  Then they changed into sleep shirts and went to bed.

"Gabrielle?"

"Yes Xena?"

"Will you please hold me again tonight?  I need you to guard my dreams against nightmares."

The bard slid over in the bed and wrapped her arm over Xena’s side.  Gabrielle would have loved to do more than that, and prayed that some day she would be able to make love to her warrior.

Xena was up early, determined to be out of Theron in time to be to the cave by mid morning.  She had the saddlebags packed and had eaten the cheese and bread offered to her by Gabrielle just as the sun was rising.

"You’ll come after me as soon as you can?" Xena asked Gabrielle.

"I’ll leave as soon as the sun marks the midday.  Nothing can keep me from following you.  I thought you would have figured that out after all these years.  Be careful.  Always remember that I love you."

"Thank you.  I love you," and with that Xena gave Gabrielle a quick kiss on the cheek, swung into the saddle and headed out to Mt. Eligal.

**

The ride to Mt. Eligal was uneventful, but Xena’s nerves were shot.  She almost would have preferred to have a run in with a highwayman or two just to make things seem more normal.

"I must be crazy," Xena thought.  "Here I am riding to some cave to try and find out about love.  Wouldn’t Ares laugh if he knew.   He’d say that Gabrielle finally got to me.  And he’d be right.  I don’t know that I would have the courage to do this if it were not for her love for me.  And I will find out about my love for her...or die in the process of trying!"

As the warrior neared the area of the mountain in which she was expecting to find the cave she dismounted.  Worried that the horse might alert whatever was guarding the entrance to the cave, Xena left the horse to graze and then set out to scout the area on foot.

"By the gods I wish I knew what sort of creature was guarding the cave," thought Xena as she silently climbed up the mountain.

It did not take long before Xena had the entrance to the cave in sight.  Hidden she waited to see what sort of adversary she faced.  Soon one, two, three, no four creatures came into sight.  They were sort of human but very big, and hairy.  They did not seem to talk to each other, but instead communicated by using grunts and squeaks.  Unfortunately they had swords.