ForevaXena's FanFic . . .

Adventures In "ForevaXenites" Land

by Jordan Falconer

Disclaimer: Xena, Gabrielle etc belong to MCA/Universal and Ren Pics, and anyone else who has an interest in Xena Warrior Princess, not me. FX, DD, Chimpycheeks, and Mike are real people, but they have kindly agreed to allow me to use them. Drew Dancinghawk appears with DD’s permission.

Copyright © 2000: All other characters in here belong to me. All rights reserved. No part or whole of this work may be copied or used in any shape, form, or manner whatsoever without the author's express written consent. If you want to use them, all you have to do is ask ... nicely.

Violence disclaimer: This story (eventually!) depicts scenes of violence and/or their aftermath and readers who are disturbed by or sensitive to this type of depiction may wish to read something other than this story.

Love/Sex warning: This story depicts a love/sexual relationship between two consenting adult women (several times over...LOL). It will also depict fantasy-styled relationships with mythical creatures and group sexual encounters!  SO, If you are under 18 years of age or if this type of story is illegal in the state or country in which you live - move along, move along, nothing for you here ...

This is my mailing list story which rapidly got out of hand. As a brief explanation as to how this started, we began writing a fanfic collaboration. I did part one, and no one took up part two for quite a while. This was my lame attempt to get people to start writing. Unfortunately for me, Diamonddog didn’t believe me when I had Xena say "I’ll behave!". I had to defend myself, and things went on from there ...

Major votes of thanks to ForevaXena and Diamonddog for agreeing to be a part of this, and all the others for mucking around with me ... FX, DD: for sneaking me into your schedules for beta reading duties, I am eternally grateful :-)

ForevaXena's Note:   Jordan has done a brilliant job of capturing the craziness of all involved.  She is quite prone to taking actual quotes from many of us and using them in this story!  I hope you'll enjoy reading this as much as we all have.  Oh, and it certainly wouldn't hurt to read Jordan's other stories so that you'll more easily recognize the supporting cast!  

Join our "ForevaXenites" mailing list and you may find yourself involved in our antics too!!  The fun never stops <BG>

ON WITH THE SHOW!

PART ONE

Gabrielle turned her face up to stare at the cold night sky. "Jordan," she began. "What am I supposed to do now?"

A voice thundered down from the heavens. "How the bloody hell should I know," it boomed. "It's your bloody story. You figure it out."

Gabrielle frowned doubtfully at the sky, not at all certain. "But couldn't you -"

"NO"

"But I -"

"NO"

Gabrielle sighed in frustration while the golden sphere of Xena's soul flew around the clearing like a demented mosquito, wondering what it should do next.

Suddenly a golden hand of pure flame pointed in an easterly direction. "That way," boomed the voice. "Exit stage left."

"Oh alright", moaned the voice. "But I was just as curious as Gabrielle about where this was headed. "

"Well bloody well suffer. Because I don't know either. Go kill a Warlord or something."

The ball of light disappeared in an incandescent ball of flame.

"Ooops," said the heavenly voice as Gabrielle gasped in shock. "I think I just killed her for real."

"Hey," Xena snarled, leaping to her feet to glare at the night sky. "What the Hades d'you think you're doing to us?"

"Ouch!" she yelped as a huge wrinkled finger came out of the sky to gently flick her on her shapely behind hurling her 10 feet across the clearing into the bard who had just emerged, highly relieved, from the bushes.

"Ooof," grunted Gabrielle as the warrior landed on her. "What are you doing Xena?"

The finger traveled straight toward the warrior, who raised her eyebrows in alarm. Without missing a beat, she grabbed the flummoxed bard's wrist and dragged her out of it's path. Changing direction, the finger went straight towards them.

"Hey!" yelled the warrior, as she was picked up by a leather bra strap. "Okay, okay, I'll behave," she added hurriedly as she was given a reproachful shake.

Xena and Gabrielle sat in the clearing on a rock, just waiting to find out what the voice had in store for them next.

"For Zeus' sake," snarled the Warrior, a storm cloud gathering on her brow. "I wish it would just say something."

Abruptly, the atmosphere filled with tension, dark clouds racing to gather over them. They both looked up to eye the sky with some alarm, Gab going pale as she saw the clouds brewing to form a very recognizable shape. Worry stabbed into her.

The clouds tortuously formed into an evil grin, fluffy gray eyebrow mirroring Xena's own arched black one.

"You want me to do something to you? Fine, I'll do something to you. But I want to hear you say it first."

"Uh, Xena," began Gab, clutching the warrior's muscular bicep frantically. "I think you should apologize."

"I'm not apologizing to that thing!" yelled Xena, jumping off the rock and waving her arms at the sky in a threatening manner.

The atmospheric grin became broader, if that was at all possible. There was a hollow ripping sound as Xena's leathers tore right off her body, leaving her to stand frozen in all her naked glory, blue eyes icy with rage.

Suddenly she was showered with cloth.

"Pick it up you nasty wench."

"What did you call me?" she hissed.

"I said you were a nasty wench. Now pick it up and do something intelligent with it, or I'll make you wish you were never born."

"What if I refuse?"

There was a popping sound, and a huge pair of scissors appeared in the air above her head, blades briskly whooshing together.

"I'm gonna give you a little haircut."

"So?" she asked, defiant.

"All over."

"Unh, Xena," stuttered the bard. "I think you better do what it says."

Eyes wide with fury, the Warrior Princess soon found herself fully dressed. With a hollow snap, the scissors disappeared. Suddenly the air above her head whipped into a furious frenzy, and when it quieted again, there was one warrior princess, dressed as a Swiss milk maid, complete with long black pigtails.

She looked down at herself with considerable disgust.

"Ooooh boy," said the bard, green eyes glinting mischievously, chin cupped in her hand. "You look rather cute."

The grin soon disappeared as there was another ripping sound, and Gabrielle's bra lay in a million shreds at her feet. Anger appeared in the gentle green eyes as the warrior princess struggled to contain a snort of laughter. The bard valiantly attempted to cover her breasts as she yelled at the sky.

"Hey! I was doing exactly what I was told!"

"For goodness sake shut up - if I want your input I'll tell you what it is."

A green scrap of material fluttered down out of the grinning sky to land at her feet. She eyed it with doubtfully, then looked horrified.

"By the gods!" she yelled, as Xena smirked, flicking her pigtails out of the way.

"Yes, it's the ... BILIOUS GREEN SPORTS BRA! Now put it on and shut up."

Gab's mouth closed with a snap, and in grim, outraged silence pulled the offending garment on, sitting back down on her rock with a solid air of wounded dignity.

"Now Princess are you going to behave?"

"I won't do it! I won't say it!" cried Xena: Warrior Princess with proud defiance.

"Oh yes you will. If I want you to say something, you WILL say it."

"NO!" she screamed in all her Warlord fury. She dropped the basket the sky had so kindly provided, and sucked in an enormous breath to let out her full, fierce battle cry.

Something came out, but it wasn't quite what either one expected. Instead of fierce and blood chilling, she let fly with the most gorgeous, melodic yodel that had ever been heard in all of ancient Greece. She began dancing the steps of a time honored Swiss Folk Dance. (She would often be asked to reproduce this feat, but could never do it through sheer embarrassment and humiliation). Far and wide people flocked to hear her, including a group of bewildered elves, wondering how in the name of Mother Nature they had ever ended up there. They were on their way to ... but that's another story.

The elves went and sat down in a group next to the entranced Gabrielle, waiting to see what would develop next.

"Are you going to say it?" whispered Gabrielle to her mortified - but now once again stationary - friend. "If you don't I hate to think what's going to happen next."

"OH! ALRIGHT I'LL SAY IT! I'LL BEHAVE! THERE, YOU HAPPY NOW?!"

The cloud face smiled beatifically.

"Yes I am. Now, I wonder if that's going to satisfy Diamonddog?"

"Who?" asked Gabrielle, seeing that the beetroot, bulging veined Warrior Princess would not be capable of coherent speech any time soon.

"Just say hello, would you dear?"

"Unh," said Gabrielle, deciding it would be better not to argue with the mailing list participant. "Hi, Diamonddog."

"Don't forget to wave and say hi to Cindy and the others as well, or I'm gonna put you in one hell of a compromising position - with an ass. Wanna have sex with Joxer, little girl?"

"Oh! No!" said Gabrielle frantically. "Hi Cindy! Hi Guys! It's a pleasure meeting you."

Frantically, the thoroughly confused group of elves, Xena and Gabrielle stood up together and waved as hard as they could to ward off the threat of a Joxer appearance.

The group of confused elves mingled around the bard and the warrior, still dressed as a Swiss Milk Maid, much to her consternation. They attempted to question the warrior and the bard, but due to sudden language difficulties, only managed to gesture and produce oddly melodious sounds.

The clouds above the warrior and the bard suddenly shifted expression from smug to alarm.

"Uh Oh," sighed the bard, doing her best to ward of a elf, much taller than Xena who kept gesturing and saying "Joxer," in a strange, strangled voice.

"Hey Xena, I have to ask you something."

"Huh?" asked the warrior, nonplussed, absently crossing to Gab and pulling the large elf off her, hurling him into his compatriots. They collapsed in a tangle of arms and legs, looking attractively outraged.

"How come you're asking me things now?" she looked at the sky speculatively, raising a shapely black eyebrow.

"Hold on a moment, I can't speak to you in that condition." 

There was the sound of chiming bells, and the warrior's costume vanished, to be replaced by her regular armour. The warrior began smirking.

"What about me?" wailed Gabrielle, pointedly eyeing her offensive bra.

"In a minute ... Hold on a sec, shut up - I'm not talking to you yet."

The clouds began to reform in the shape of a metal colander, eerily similar to Joxer's headgear.  

"Take your time," said Gabrielle hurriedly, waving her hands. "I can wait."

"I thought so."

"You must really want something," Xena said, tapping a foot and crossing her arms. "Well?"

"Look, Diamonddog doesn't believe me that you said I'll behave of your own accord. Can you please answer this question for her. Did you?"

"Okay," said Xena slowly, this time raising both eyebrows. "I don't know what's going on here. I don't know who these people are -" she gestured towards the wary, still party of now standing elves " - and for once we don't have to put up with Joxer. Yes, I'm serious and I'm being honest. I did mean it when I said I'd behave myself."

"Was it under duress?"

Gabrielle looked at her friend in considerable alarm. This didn't sound like Xena at all. However, when Xena looked at Gabrielle, all she saw was a voluptuous young woman ... whose clothes were gradually becoming transparent. Xena gulped.

"As you can see, I'm trying simple bribery. I know Gabrielle wants you bad, you big strong warrior. If I leave you two alone - and promise to get rid of the elves - can I get you to say that you'll behave with perfect honesty?"

Xena licked her suddenly dry lips. "It was under duress, but now ... I think so," she said.

"Can you please be a little more direct? Like say something about how it's right from the heart?"

Xena sighed. "I will behave myself. I am not under duress, and it comes straight from the heart. Is that okay? Well, Diamonddog?"

"Ta. Now let me get rid of these elves."

On the horizon, Xena's keen eyes suddenly picked out a bright pink smudge approaching them. As it came closer, the bard stood up from her rock (unconsciously naked much to Xena's intense discomfort), and went to stand beside her friend.

It was a tall, middle aged woman, taller than Xena, dressed in a long, flowing pink dress, topped off with a pointy pink hat.

"Hello girls," she said. "I'm the Pink Lady. Welcome Diamonddog! Greetings Cindy! Jordan sent me in to get rid of the elves, and to give you some privacy."

Abruptly the woman dropped to a crouching position, and began to chant and grunt. Xena raised an eyebrow while Gabrielle began to giggle at the flailing arms, kicking feet, and generally completely undignified undulating body.

"Jordan, when I get my hands on you -" yelled the beetroot muse, eyes flashing in rage. "I'm not supposed to be a part of this!"

"Uh, sorry, but -"

"NO BUTS! STOP THIS AT ONCE!"

Abruptly, the woman was still again, trying to ignore the smirking Greek girls.

"Much better," she said approvingly as she straightened her dress, trying to gather the remnants of her shattered dignity. Appearance returned to normal, she strode briskly to the group of elves, and grabbed the tallest one by the arm.

"It's alright dear," she said in Elven, Xena and Gabrielle suddenly able to understand her perfectly. "You're supposed to be in Forest Elf. If you'll just come back with me, we'll go and talk to Jordan."

Excitedly, the elves began to point towards the warrior and bard, gesturing and speaking of their confusion. The Pink Lady led them back in the direction she had come from, listening to their stories and providing comfort where necessary.

When they were finally gone from sight, Xena turned upwards to the sky.

"D'you mind?" she asked hopefully.

"No, course not. I'll just leave you two alone then. Thank God my muse has a sense of humor."

"Helloooooo I'm not disturbing anything am I?"

Frantically Xena rolled over to cover her naked lover, who was too satisfied to even begin to look annoyed.

"Bacchae bites!" exclaimed the warrior in frustration. "Don't you ever knock?" Unable to stop herself, she began to nibble on the moaning bard's neck.

"Hey!" she exclaimed. "D'you mind?"

"Ahh, sorry. Look I hate to interrupt...."

Xena sighed and Gabrielle blushed.

"But I have to ask you another question. This came from Diamonddog, and I quote: you might want to ask Gabrielle if she feels that truly heartfelt good behavior can be induced by bribery?? Well, do you?"

"Look," said Xena as Gabrielle gaped. "Could you please help us out here first?"

"Sorry, of course."

A blanket fluttered down out of the sky, to rest next to the entwined lovers. Reaching out a long arm, Xena pulled it in close, then quickly rolled off the bard and covered them both.

"This thing is itchy," complained Gabrielle, and began to fidget.

Abruptly the blanket turned into a black satin sheet.

"Much better," sighed Gabrielle, not really wanting to converse.

Suddenly, much to the surprise of both, their fingers were gingerly grasping a couple of lit cigarettes.

"What is this?" asked the warrior, sucking on the end and promptly chocking. Cigarette dangling forgotten in Gabrielle's lips, she thumped her partner on the back with considerable alarm.

"Pull the smoke into your mouth, then draw it back into your lungs. Trust me, you're gonna enjoy this."

Xena eyed the sky doubtfully, no sign of the face that had tormented them for so long evident. She followed Gabrielle's lead and did as she was bid, doubtful expression transforming into one of supreme satisfaction.

"Mmmm," she said.

"Nice," said Gabrielle, leaning back against their hard boulder and wincing.

Instantly they found themselves lying in a huge four poster bed, surrounded by fluffy pillows, resting comfortably on a soft mattress.

Xena nodded approvingly, then ashed her cigarette in the thoughtfully provided ashtray.

"Where were we?" asked Gabrielle. "What was the question?"

"You might want to ask Gabrielle if she feels that truly heartfelt good behavior can be induced by bribery?? By the way Xena, she also said" *whispers*

Gabrielle and Xena both looked thoughtful, wrapped up in their respective questions.

"In this case," Gabrielle began slowly, "I don't think it really matters. Now I have a very ... excited ... warrior on my hands. If she has something like this to do - " blush " - then I think that her docile behavior would be truly heartfelt. She's more interested in playing with me than causing trouble. So, in her case, I would have to say the answer to that question is yes."

Xena nodded. "Yeah, what the bard said. Can I ask you for one small favor?" She stubbed out her cigarette.

A gigantic ear descended out of the heavens to land close to Xena's lips. Xena whispered and gestured toward Gabrielle animatedly. Gabrielle looked on with some surprise, then stubbed out her own cigarette.

"I think I can manage that."

Xena held up her hand, and her sword appeared. Abruptly it wilted, transformed into floppy rubber.

"Bit big?"

"Look they say that size doesn't matter, but that's big enough to scare a Pompeian. Fix?"

"Okay."

Abruptly the sword shortened, so it finally finished up at about twelve inches in length.

Xena nodded approvingly and smiled. "Much better."

"Hold on a moment, I think I can do better."

Suddenly the sword was no longer metal and rubber, but latex, plastic (ribbed for her pleasure) ... and battery operated. Xena flicked a switch and smirked at the eager humming sound. Gabrielle looked on innocently.

"Xena," she asked. "What is that?"

"You'll see," she said, and looked up at the huge ear pointedly. It vanished with a puff of smoke. "Thank you. And please tell Diamonddog that I wouldn't do that. I'm not in the mood for it right now, but I will be if you don't leave me alone."

Gabrielle giggled.

"Okay, I'll just leave you two alone then." 

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"OKAY GUYS, I'M COMING ON IN!"

At the sound of the booming voice, both sweating women disentangled themselves and sat on opposite sides of the bed, twiddling their thumbs, trying their best to look as though their soft smirks had nothing to do with what they were doing with each other.

"Ahem," said Gab, as Xena hurriedly cleared her throat.

"How are you?" Gab finished lamely, trying to ignore the hand that was snaking up under the sheets to her thigh.

"Hey," complained Xena. "Do you have to keep doing that?"

"I have to assert my bardly influence. If I don't do that sort of thing, people are going to become bored. Besides, they might -"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," interrupted the warrior. "Whatever. Look, what do you want this time?"

"Actually, it's another question from Diamonddog."

"What is it?" asked Gabrielle, blushing as Xena waved her latex sword around when she thought the mailing list participant wasn't looking.

"Hera's tits," sighed the warrior, as the clouds threatened to form a face once again. "Can't you ever leave us alone?"

"Well, not this time. As I said, Diamonddog has a question. Can you see it down below?"

Abruptly the clearing vanished, and the bed began to slide down a hard, glass surface.

"Whoa!" yelled Xena, frantically clutching to grab Gabrielle.

"Sorry."

The bed was caught and gently cradled deep in a huge human hand. It brought the bed down level with a huge sentence, written in modern English.

"What?" asked Gabrielle, confused.

"Sorry."

"That's better," she said, and read it. "When did we start to see one another in a better than best friends I want your body light?"

Xena smiled softly and gently, capturing the bard's eyes with her own too blue ones. Neither noticed that the bed had suddenly reappeared in the clearing.

"That's easy," she said. "From the moment I saw you standing so brave in the village trying to defend your family and friends from the slavers."

"Oh Xena," said the bard breathlessly. "For me it was when I saw you standing there so strong and tall, protecting us." Their lips closed together for a heartfelt and deeply passionate kiss.

"Ha, ha, ho, ho, watta knee slapper. Oh, really? Now how about telling the truth."

The two women broke the kiss and looked up at the sky, horrified.

"Oh, no," moaned Xena, and clapped a hand over her mouth. An admonishing gigantic finger materialized out of the sky, and the edge of a huge broken fingernail pried her hand from her mouth.

"Okay," she ground out through gritted teeth, eyes flashing, desperately trying to stop talking. "I took one look at the cute blonde in the village and wondered how the best way to get into her pants was. It seemed like a good idea at the time."

Gabrielle looked mortified - and quite angry. "You mean to tell me that all you wanted was to get in my pants and my clothes have been getting smaller and smaller just because you - you -you -"

"Now Gabrielle, it's not really - "

"Don't worry Xena, it's her turn. Paybacks are a bitch, aren't they?"

Xena's look of alarm turned smug. "'Fess up wonder bra," she purred.

Gabrielle's expression turned haughty. "Pretty much from the first time I saw you dancing around in your shift - minus underwear." Gabrielle's expression turned to shock when she realized what she'd just said.

"AH HA!" yelled the warrior princess, waving her hands around in triumph. Then, "Where does that leave us?"

"It leaves me wanting you to play with your floppy rubber sword," the bard purred, finally giving in to her carnal urges.

"Oh, I'm there with you," said Xena huskily, then looked up at they sky. "You don't mind do you?"

"No, no, by all means. I'll just go tell the others." 

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***LIST LURKERS BEWARE: dedicated to Chimpycheeks :-) 
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"Hey grrls."

Xena and Gabrielle had finally reached a state where they could both barely move, basking in the warm afterglow of lovemaking (forced confessions not at all detracting from the mind blowing nature of the experience).

They had abandoned the bed and gotten dressed again, Gabrielle pulling on the bilious green sports bra she was now apparently stuck with, with a distinct grimace that left the warrior smirking.

"I agree," the blue eyed, raven haired beauty murmured as she leaned in for a soft kiss. "It's pretty hideous, but maybe -"

"Jordan."

"-Jordan can provide you with something a little less ... uglier than Medusa next time she drops in for a visit."

"But I'm here already."

"Hello Jordan," purred the warrior.

"Hi Jordan," chimed in the bard brightly, pointing to her bilious green sports bra and wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

"Oooh it sends shivers down my spine when you say my name that way. Say it again!"

The warrior raised her eyebrow and glared at the sky, a sinking feeling in her gut at the clouds swirling around to form another face. "For Zeus' sake," mumbled the warrior. Then, more loudly, "Why in Hades do you keep turning up to torment us? We're already stuck in a miserable limbo because that accursed fanfic collaboration. I want to get out of here - why won't any of you others just write something? Hmmm Diamonddog?"

"Now, now. That's not why I'm here. I'm only just trying to keep you entertained until someone lets you out again to play. I need you to do something for me."

"Not again," said Xena, abruptly turning pale at the thought of more yodeling, and wondering what that Hades' cursed mailing list participant could want this time. Gabrielle smirked, images of black pigtails springing into her mind.

The fluffy cloud face, now fully formed, beamed at them.

"Yes, again. Go on - ask me what it is."

Xena raised an eyebrow and pointedly turned her back on the cloud, arms crossed, haughty expression firmly glued to her features. She began to tap a foot, as the cloud face darkened. Gabrielle saw this and inwardly sighed, wondering when her gorgeous lover would stop annoying the omnipotent being above them.

"Ah, Jordan," the bard began hurriedly. "What did you want us to do?" She was hoping the respectful tone would minimize the damage done to their respective dignities ... if existing in the bilious green sports bra could be called dignified, she reflected sourly.

"I need you to draw out some of our more shy mailing list participants."

"How?" asked the bard slowly, not really wanting to know.

Xena's temper fired up as her spirits sank. "What did you have in mind this time?" she asked with considerable asperity. "Naked bacchae mud wrestling? Centaur rodeo?"

"Not bad ... I'll try and work that in. Not this time, though. I was thinking more along the lines of a sing along."

"Hera's tits," grumbled the bard.

"Have you heard her sing?" asked the warrior plaintively. "Hey, ouch!"

Gabrielle had taken the time to whack the warrior with the staff Jordan had so thoughtfully provided. Xena's expression darkened and she grabbed for her sword from the rumpled four poster bed. Gabrielle began to giggle when all twelve inches of it began to hum in cheerful support of the warrior's anger. Xena flushed and waved it in front of her bard's face in an attempt to be threatening, failing miserably in the attempt as the cloud face and bard began to snicker.

Finally the warrior sighed and dropped her floppy rubber sword (ribbed for her pleasure) back onto the bed.

"Let's just get this over and done with, can we?" she asked as her shoulders slumped in defeat and she shook her head. "Why me?"

"Because you are one fine looking woman, why else? Okay. I think we need more of a chorus."

Over the familiar hill, a pink smudge appeared, and Xena's keen eyes made out the familiar figure of the Pink Lady ... followed by a group of people.

Xena rolled her eyes when she realized that the group of people was in fact the group of elves that they had so recently divested themselves of. But this time there were two new figures. Almost identical to the Ancient Greek Warrior and Bard, Nightshade and Sunstar trailed along behind their compatriots, wide eyed, hands clasped, drinking in the surreal surroundings with a great sense of wonder.

"Well met Nightshade. Peace be with you Sunstar."

"Hello Jordan," responded Sunstar, smiling gently, not noticing her twin, a human bard, staring at her with considerable shock.

Xena and Nightshade squared off and silently promised gross physical violence to each other if any threatening moves towards loved ones were made by either party.

"Well met, Jordan," said Nightshade evenly. "We have not seen you for some time." Gabrielle had snuck up next to the interested Sunstar, and they quickly began to exchange whispered words.

*bows* "I realize that, but this seemed the best way to sort of get you to talk to me directly again."

"Jordan," said the Pink Lady severely, having been disgracefully ignored up until this time. "Where are your manners?"

"I apologize. Welcome my beloved muse. Let's get started, shall we?"

"Did you see them?" whispered Xena to Gabrielle.

"I know," said Gabrielle, hoping against hope that Jordan wasn't listening in.

"Who are they?"

"I don't know," said the bard, looking furtively up at the grinning cloud face. "They're from somewhere called Uber."

"Uber? Where's Uber?" demanded the warrior, and suddenly found herself standing on her hands, leather skirt pooling around her armpits, outraged as her ratty (Gabrielle had been right - her knickers *were* almost nonexistent) underwear was displayed for the whole world to see.

"By the Gods!" yelled the furious warrior. "Why do you keep doing that?"

"Because you're being very annoying, and you're ruining my chorus."

The cloud face smirked, Gabrielle giggled, Nightshade's eyebrow shot skyward, and Sunstar laughed outright.

"JORDAN!" the Pink Lady thundered. "You are not helping in the slightest here! Now PUT HER BACK DOWN!"

The cloud face looked suitably embarrassed, and the group of elves and giggling human, arranged in two neat, attractive semi circles stared at the fuming warrior expectantly.

"When I get my hands on you -" muttered the warrior, shooting a black glance at the cloud.

"You'll what?" asked the Pink Lady in a tone that brooked no nonsense.

Xena knew this was where the mailing list participant got all her ideas from, decided discretion was the better part of valor and mumbled black oaths under her breath about a certain omnipotent being and various small rodents and a selection of medium sized mammals.

Once the recalcitrant warrior was in place, the Pink Lady began to wave her suddenly appearing baton around. The air was immediately filled with "me me me"'s and "ha ha HA ha ha ha"'s as the singers prepared to tune their voices.

As though in tandem, Nightshade, Xena and Sunstar all turned to grimace at Gabrielle's terrifyingly bad voice.

"Uh, sorry," muttered the bard, blushing.

"You know I love you, right?" asked Xena, staring straight into the bard's eyes, sending her weak at the knees. "Believe me when I tell you this: you are the love of my life, but for Hera's sake, please don't sing!"

Xena looked up into the roiling cloud face, which was to all intents and purposes laughing itself into a crazed stupor.

"Fix?" she asked.

"Okay."

The entire audience stared at the bard in expectation, the Pink Lady a little doubtfully. There were murmured comments of appreciation toward Xena and much nodding and smiling when Gabrielle tried a few bars of a song.

"Xena's got a lovely bunch of coconuts," she sang. Xena blushed, Nightshade and Sunstar burst out laughing, and the elven audience tittered. Even the Pink Lady smirked until she noticed the others were looking at her askance.

The Pink Lady turned to grin up at the sky. "Much better," she said approvingly. "Right, take your positions!"

The chorus stilled and focused on their conductor.

Slowly, they launched into a chorus of "Row row row your boat", then "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer."

The cloud face smirked, the Pink Lady looked doubtful; warrior, bard and elves with strong approval. Suddenly, they launched into another song, Pink Lady looking puzzled, then furious.

"Oo oo o o o o oooo ooh," began the chorus in an exquisite falsetto.

"JORDAN!" yelled the muse.

"Oo oo o o o o oooo ooh"

"JORDAN!"

"Oo oo o o o o oooo ooh"

"JORDAN! BY THE GODS, THE THEME TO STAR TREK IS NOT APPROPRIATE AT THIS POINT IN TIME!"

"Okay."

"Let's try that again," said the Pink Lady, waving her baton for emphasis. Abruptly it changed into Xena's floppy sword. Eyebrows contracting, the Pink Lady eyed it with a glare, turning the full force of her displeasure on the smirking cloud face.

"Jordan," she said warningly.  

"Okay.'

The baton changed back into a regular wisp of wood. Again, the Pink Lady began to wave it around with some emphasis.

Almost immediately, "It's a small world," began to fill the air. Then, as a final treat, they sang the theme song to Flipper, followed by the Beverly Hillbillies.

When they were finished, muse, ancient Greeks and elves wiped the sweat off their brows.

"Well done, people," sang out the Pink Lady. "Now there's just one more thing, and that's the matter of the list lurkers, and more importantly Chimpycheeks."

"Ahhhh," sighed the chorus.

"Humans and elves, do we have something to say?"

"Yeah baby," said the chorus. "COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE. ESPECIALLY YOU CHIMPYCHEEKS.

Otherwise you will be paying us a small visit."

"Better, Jordan?" asked the Pink Lady.

"Yeah baby."

"Good," replied the Pink Lady. "I'll put it in plain speech. Chimpycheeks, make yourself known or you will find yourself singing with the chorus, or playing with the elves, whichever comes first. And I think we all know Jordan's predilection for leather - so you will regret it."

The chorus, cloud face and muse eyed the mailing list expectantly. 

PART TWO

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