ForevaXena's FanFic . . .

I've Seen The Light And It's Dark

by J Falconer

Disclaimer: Xena, Gabrielle etc belong to MCA/Universal and Ren Pics, and anyone else who has an interest in Xena Warrior Princess, not me.

Copyright© 2001: The characters in here belong to me. All rights reserved. No part or whole of this work may be copied or used in any shape, form, or manner whatsoever without the author's express written consent. If you want to use them, all you have to do is ask … nicely.

Violence disclaimer: Yes, there is violence, so if you’re sensitive to that sort of thing, perhaps you’d like to move on.

Love/Sex warning: This story depicts a love/sexual relationship between two consenting adult women. If you are under 18 years of age or if this type of story is illegal in the state or country in which you live - move along, move along, nothing for you here ...

Part 6 (Conclusion)

“Uhhh.”

The low throbbing in my head was relentless. “Uhh.”

I was so weak and exhausted I could barely move. I opened an eye to see the blue of the sky high above me, and sighed weakly.

Nothing would ever bring Jackie and me together again.

Jackie.

The name brought back a piercing ache. I would never see her again. I knew I would have been a cold spot in the ruins of our house for decades until I’d recovered my energy enough to begin moving around.

She was gone. I still loved her.

She would have moved on, was most probably dead by now, and I was still left to wander the world until time itself came to an end.

Justice.

Jackie had finally been given her freedom, and I remained locked in my hell.

I knew Jackie had been fond of me, but after I had learnt of her nightmare, I realised that it would have been the same fondness that an insect has for its master, hoping that its regard and pleasing behaviour would mean continued existence for another precious day. I knew that I had to help her leave, help her escape from her past and start afresh with new people who truly deserved her fair presence, who were different to Amanda and my living self. I don’t really know what hurt more – knowing she was gone or knowing she had never loved me – could never love me – for the person I had become.

My love had always been the woman I had seen before me, in all her flawed glory. The feelings I had for her would not leave me and I strongly suspected they never would.

Whoever had once said that love conquers all had lied through their teeth.

I blew a sour breath of air from moribund lungs.

My grief at losing Jackie would haunt me for hundreds of years, and one day I might recover from it. In the meantime, my life would continue on, and as much as I wanted to, I could not deny it. I had to keep going. She would always shine bright in my heart and mind.

Noble sentiments, certainly, but completely useless to me in my present condition. I could not free myself from thoughts of my beloved mortal and the spirit of her gentle presence that surrounded me.

Muscles aching, I pushed myself to a seated position, looking all around listlessly.

I was in a field of green. I could feel the sun beating down on my unprotected skin, and I knew it was the anniversary of my death – so I had recovered enough to take human form. How often had this happened while I slumbered on, unaware? Had it happened at all? To all my questions, the universe gave its customary silence.

Sighing, memory of my last living day with Jackie laying heavily on my mind, I slowly walked from the ruins of what once had been our home, down to the place I had always taken solitude in – the sea.

I was without my customary vigour as I made my way down the rocks to the beach, trying to silence the ghosts of memory snapping fearfully at me. I could feel the tears tickling my cheeks, but they did not heal me, they made my pain worse.

I stared blindly out across the water, fully engaged with my sorrow, aching with loss. Green eyes searched for me, ensnared me. She had always been so sweet, and her loss was a gaping hole somewhere in the middle of me that I knew would never be filled, despite the knowledge that time would one day turn this entire sequence of events into dreamlike memory. Her nightmare had always been mine – but each of us stood on opposite sides of the coin.

I was unaware of the form that took itself slowly and painfully across the sand to my side, lowering itself to sit beside me.

“Creed?” The hesitant question caused my brow to contract. That voice was the one haunting me. No, it could not be – death had surely taken her from this world!

“Jackie.” I could not raise my voice to above a whisper, and I was sure that the wind stole the sound from me, whipping it across the ocean, as I turned to look at my companion fully.

Grief etched into my features, I saw the once young face seamed and old. The golden hair was now snow white, the green eyes that had once been so vibrant, watery with age. Wrinkled, arthritic hands reached for me, and I pulled her fragile body into my young arms.

“I waited for you so long Creed.” The soft voice, with every nuance of its aching pain, was punctuated by the tears raging against me, mingling with my own.

“I’ve only just scraped up the energy to come down here.” I sniffed and closed my eyes as our bodies melted together.

“I’ve been waiting for you for almost sixty years.” Her hands traced the outlines of my muscles, seemingly assuring themselves of my existence.

“You waited for me?” I couldn’t hide my amazement. Why on earth would she ever have waited for me?

“I waited for you. When you rescued me from Amanda and you vanished I thought I was going to die anyway … it was worse when time passed and you never appeared. I’ve always come here every year on the same day hoping you would somehow be around.” There were fresh tears in her eyes, that spilled over as the words continued. I brushed them away with gentle fingers. Had she really wasted her whole life on me?

“I never told you what would happen to me if I ever tried to leave the house. This time the result was a little more forceful than on the other occasions I tried it.” I smiled gently at her. “In truth, I had not expected to appear again. I thought I was finished. And yet, here I am. Again.” Despite the way I sounded, I was grateful – even if it was only to be for minutes, I at least had the chance to hold her in my arms again. I knew it was selfish, but I could not help myself.

She drew in hitching breath and nodded. “Here you are again.” There was a pause for a moment as she collected herself, and her next words were a whisper. “I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Why? I did not think she could ever bear to see me again.

“Oh Jackie.” I drew her close to me. I couldn’t say anything more, and my mouth opened and closed several times as I grieved for what I had tried and failed so miserably at. There was nothing I could say that would lessen the pain. “Have you had a good life?” I pulled back and cupped her face in gentle hands, trying to imprint it on my memory for the rest of time.

“I have.” She pulled back slightly, but still clutched my arms. “I thought that losing you was going to kill me, but eventually I found another person to love. She wasn’t you but she was still very sweet and finished what you started to do for me with Amanda.” She closed her eyes and opened them again, struggling, then reached out and took my hand. “She couldn’t help me with you. Nothing could.” She gently kissed my knuckles. “She died five years ago.” Her eyes misted with memory of the years she’d spent living with the memories of Amanda and me, while I had drifted in darkness. I felt a knife twist in my heart.

“It’s all right, Jackie. It’s clear to me she was a fitting companion for you. You are alone now?” I was glad she had found someone, but I sobbed on the inside, knowing that while I was floating unaware, I had inadvertently shared every moment of this precious mortal’s existence. She surely had deserved so much more than that.

“No, I still see my children on a regular basis, and Helga still keeps me company.” At those words, a hound just like the one I had known so long ago bounded up to us. I reached out to stroke her fondly, but the low growling and mistrust in her clear brown eyes reminded me forcibly that this was not the dog I had once played with.

I drew my gaze back to my mortal and pulled her in close to brush her old forehead with my lips. There was a dim spark of hope in my heart. I thought about what she’d just said, and it seemed to me that perhaps I was wrong, perhaps she did remember the ghost, but I wanted to hear it in her own sweet words.

“Jackie, I’m not Amanda. I never was.” If it was true that she had loved the ghost, then fate had indeed been doubly cruel to me, robbing us of the years we could have had together. That knowledge broke my heart a little more.

Unbidden, my memory provided me with scenes from the last day. There was no way it could have gone any other way – if Amanda had continued to live then Jackie would never ever have been free, and that was not what she deserved.

She looked at me sharply. “I know Creed. You were always so gentle with me, so sweet. After a while, I realised that the only similarity between you and Amanda was what you’d done before you died. You were never like her, and I finally began to realise you meant what you said to me and that you would not hurt me no matter what I did to you.” She shook her head, obviously remembering the exorcism. “It took me a while to sort through it all, and in the end I wanted to tell you everything, but it was too late – Amanda came back.” The tears came back and she gave a hitching intake of breath. “I’d only just learnt to trust you and I wanted you because you were you.” She sighed and hung her head, unable to meet my gaze. “I just had to know. I’m not your victim and I never was. Did you just save me because you thought I was her? Were you helping me just because I reminded you of her and you wanted forgiveness? Did you really mean it when you said you loved me? Did you really love me or was it all just the memory of her?”

I closed my eyes against the pain and the tears that her questions brought. “No, Jackie, I never confused the two of you. You and she were always separate people in my mind. I rescued you because I wanted you to be free. Love between two people is not as it was between Amanda and yourself. I never hurt you apart from playing tricks on you, but it wasn’t until I met your nightmare that I realised how bad it all was for you. You had confused Amanda and myself because my living self was so similar to her, and you did not believe my ghost could be any different. You could never see me for the person I had become. The only way I could show you – and myself - that I was truly not the same as before death was to free you. Did I love you? Did I love you for you? Yes, Jackie, I most certainly did.” My insides contracted, robbing me of breath and I could barely continue. “I still do – with all my heart.”

There was a pause and she forced me to look at her, her love for me shining bright in her old eyes, almost restoring her to the beautiful bloom of her youth. “Good.” The voice was so soft I struggled to hear it. “I’ve spent my whole life loving you.”

“That’s the way I’m going to spend mine.” The tears raged from me unchecked, flooding against her. Where once I would have comforted her, now she comforted me.

There was no more that we could say to one another. We had badly misjudged each other, and we had been torn apart before we could reveal what lay at our hearts. We were grieving for what we could have had together, but had lost.

Fate was a cruel thing indeed.

Her soft voice pulled me back to the present. “I don’t have a lot of life left to me, Creed. I’m dying.”

I sucked in miserable breath and stared at her sad face sharply, dismayed.

I felt her desperation as she held me. “I don’t know how I’m going to do it but somehow I’ll find a way to be by your side again, Creed, I promise.”

I nodded, unable to speak. Finally I drew in another hitching breath and tried again. “Don’t leave me yet, Sweetling. Stay with me.” So much wasted; so little time left to us.

She smiled, tears flowing down her face. “As if I would you silly old ghost. Even if I have only one day left, I want to spend it with you.”

Again I nodded, and lay back on the sand, drawing her down with me. She gently kissed my neck as I pulled her in close.

I know not how long we lay there, but I know it was one of the most desperate days of any of my lives. I ached with fresh grief knowing that we would not be together for much longer. I was also gladdened that she had learned to love me and that she had told me. The part that really saddened me was that she had exchanged one prison for another – she had loved someone who had been absent for almost all of her life. At least now fate had brought us together again, even if it was to be a short length of time.

When I wanted to climb to my feet to bring her to a memorable last day, to kiss her as I so longed to do, it was too late.

As she lay quietly in my arms, her delicate life had slipped away from us both.

~~~

The late hours of the evening found me lying in the grass, immobile. I waited for the hour of my death, welcoming it. I would never again fear it or fight it. My life may had been a complete disaster, but my afterlife had not been. I accepted my fate and now understood why I was here. I loved a beautiful woman and had earned her love in return. It would have to be enough.

After I was hanged, I would wake up and continue on. So much life left to me, that did not want to be lived by me.

Jackie was gone.

It had to happen someday, but I had planned on being around for every moment before the ‘someday’ arrived. The moments I did have with her as an equal were too short – though I was grateful for them, I had wanted more of them.

I suppose it was poetic justice. I had been despicable in life, and everything that had happened to me after death had merely seemed unpleasant, but that had changed with Jackie – my time with her had brought self enlightenment, and her loss had broken me. Fate had finally found some way to punish me completely for the error of my ways.

My beloved Jackie was lost to me forever.

Immersed in my pain, I sensed rather than saw a figure move up beside me to plop itself into the grass. There was silence for a time as I wished it would go away and leave me to my sorrow.

“You gonna talk to me you old ghost, or am I gonna have to tickle you into submission?”

I recognise that voice, was the sharp thought that stabbed through my grief. Not daring to open my eyes I turned my head to the sound.

“Jackie?”

There was no answer, just a pair of soft lips that gently pressed themselves against my own. There was a shifting of weight as a body lay itself on top of mine, and fingers tangled in my hair.

I opened an eye, taking in her youthful features, eyes shining bright with love as she forced me to look at her. I was unable to stop the tears. “Sweetling, what are you doing here?” Had she really come back to join me in my prison. What had come over her?

She did not answer because she was apparently intent on kissing me into submission.

The relief and love I felt for her was so great I could do nothing but close my eyes again and abandon myself to the sensation of her for as long as time kept up its slow march toward oblivion. Every curve, every muscle, every section of soft skin that my roaming hands touched, screamed to me that it was real, that my beloved mortal had come back to me.

Unfortunately, the sensation ceased far too soon for my liking. I opened my eyes and found myself gazing into playful green, shot through with threads of fond exasperation. The beautiful, young lips curved themselves into a smile.

“Creed, I did tell you that I would find a way to be with you again, and I meant it. Now you’re stuck with me for all eternity.”

I shook my head and groaned, dismayed. “Of all places for you to spend eternity, you chose to be trapped in my hell? I love you, Jackie, but have you taken leave of your senses?”

Jackie grinned, traced the outline of my cheekbone with her hungry hands, and kissed me soundly again, eyes darkened with passion. When she finally came up for air, both of us breathing heavily, she spoke again. “Who said you’re stuck here? Eternity’s asking you politely to leave with me.” At her words, I realised the weight had slowly left my body as I returned to my customary supernatural form.

There was a flare of hope in my heart and my eyes mirrored my amazement. “I’ve been forgiven? How - ?”

“Shhh.” A finger was at my lips and I nibbled it gently. “What you did for me was enough. You realised the error of your ways, and now you’re free to come with me to the hereafter.”

It was true – I had not experienced my death, I had gone straight to my ghostly form. I could not tear my eyes away from the woman who had been my salvation.

I laughed softly. “Then what are we waiting for?”

She smiled archly and kissed the end of my nose. “We’re waiting for you to get your sexy arse into gear and lead the bloody way.” Her hands roamed my body and I bit back a moan.

“Ahh, that’s my beloved mortal.” I stood and scooped her up into my arms before she could distract me completely, and stole another kiss as I carried her towards the moonlit ocean. The door to my prison had opened and I was free! Free to be with my beloved Jackie! “Have I told you that I love you?”

Her eyes widened with mock understanding. “Ah, knew I forgot something. Well, you’re gonna have to keep reminding me.”

Her laughter mingled with mine as we continued our exploration of each other.

From behind us, a howl of rage and denial that could only have come from one person, began softly at first, gaining in strength as Amanda materialised in the ruins I had so recently been confined to. Judging by the strength of the pleas coming from behind us, she heard the sentence fate had imposed on her, even if she did not yet fully understand it.

I saw the pain flitter in Jackie’s eyes and I kissed her gently. “Softly, Jackie. We are together now. She will not remain that way forever. She will learn.”

Jackie closed her eyes then opened them again, sadness shining bright. “I know.” The pain we had both felt during our separation at Amanda’s hands shone equally bright within me. I looked at Jackie cradled in my arms and knew I had earned my freedom so we could be together now. That knowledge brought with it a glimmer of forgiveness for the sad creature that took up my post on earth.

There was really nothing more either one of us could say, and although we would have to talk about it later, I could see in Jackie’s eyes the same thoughts were in her.

She reached up for another soft kiss as I took her down to the light on the beach, and the soft barking that joyfully greeted us beyond it.

The End

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