ForevaXena's FanFic . . .

I've Seen The Light And It's Dark

by J Falconer

Disclaimer: Xena, Gabrielle etc belong to MCA/Universal and Ren Pics, and anyone else who has an interest in Xena Warrior Princess, not me.

Copyright© 2001: The characters in here belong to me. All rights reserved. No part or whole of this work may be copied or used in any shape, form, or manner whatsoever without the author's express written consent. If you want to use them, all you have to do is ask … nicely.

Violence disclaimer: Yes, there is violence, so if you’re sensitive to that sort of thing, perhaps you’d like to move on.

Love/Sex warning: This story depicts a love/sexual relationship between two consenting adult women. If you are under 18 years of age or if this type of story is illegal in the state or country in which you live - move along, move along, nothing for you here ...

Part 2

“GRRRR.” Helga’s deep voice rumbled straight behind me as I stood in the parlour, eye glued to the telescope, watching the waves crash against the rocks.

“No, Helga, not today.” I was concentrating on the buoy being cast about by the grey ocean with savage abandon. I had been trapped here so long, would I be able to emerge again?

The dog took another step up behind me, and resumed her low challenge. I sighed and drew my eye away from the eyepiece, turning and dropping to one knee so we were eye to eye. Her cold brown eyes glittered.

Jackie was not around, having gone out for the day, so it was just Helga and myself. Past experience had taught Jackie that leaving Helga behind often resulted in rather a mess made of personal possessions, but at least I no longer exchanged items for other items. Truth be told, Helga and I tended to chase each other all over the house snarling and generally teasing one another; to her credit, Helga had become rather good at ghost hide and seek.

She’d just found me.

Every time she did, I put her into a new and exciting situation to try and escape from – she’d had a cold bath in Jackie’s shower, her kibble had been exchanged for Jackie’s decorative soap, her collar and lead had been exchanged for a bright pink bow and long length of twine. Looking directly at the anger in her eyes, I’m not sure she’d forgiven me for that one.

She had crept up behind me, Jackie in tow, barking furiously just near my ear startling me to within an inch of my death, both smirking furiously when I’d been shocked into visibility. Whenever Jackie found me, she’d always yelled for me to show myself and talk to her properly. Foolish mortal – all she had to do was resume a normal tone of voice and ask and I might have graced her with my presence.

Both Helga and I watched over Jackie when she slept; it had become a ritual for me, and Jackie was clearly not comfortable leaving Helga to roam the countryside during the dark hours.

I knew this was to do with her nightmares, though I did not know what they actually were, so Helga and I called a truce. During the hours of darkness we stood by her, watchful sentinels, soothing her sleep and lightening her dreams.

This time, though, Helga was challenging me when I was in no mood for it.

Fine, she would pay.

“No, hound, not this time.” My voice was soft and dangerous, and Helga took an involuntary step back. “Now then, I’ll not hurt you either, but I will make you leave me alone for the afternoon.”

I stood and pointed my arm at her, while she quickly backed up and appeared to gulp involuntarily.

~~~

It was an ear piercing scream that caused me to stumble back from my telescope, trip over my own feet and land on my derriere.

If my heart had been able to beat, it would have been thumping wildly as I scrambled to my feet and raced to the open front door, wondering what had befallen my Jackie.

Eyes wide open, I watched her fall to her knees and sob at the spectacle of Helga wedged into the fork of a tree I had cast her into only a matter of hours before. She had, to all intents and purposes, stopped grumbling about the act and fallen asleep.

Now she opened her eyes, scanning the outside for the evil being that had caused her mistress such mental distress.

“Helga! Helga!” Jackie was sobbing, heartbroken, and I winced. I truly loathed seeing her in such anguish.

Helga waved her paws around, looking apologetic.

I stared at them both, shock dissipating, yet still unable to move a muscle. I wanted to go outside and pull my young mortal into my arms, but I couldn’t do so. I settled for visibility instead.

“Jackie! Jackie!” For all intents and purposes, she was deaf to my cries.

“JACKIE!” Finally she appeared to come out of her distress, and glared at me, rage shining bright in her normally gentle green eyes. If I had been able to flush in embarrassment I would have.

“CREED! YOU ARSEHOLE! YOU KILLED MY DOG!” The scream echoed all over the countryside.

“She is unharmed.” As I spoke, I took a step back, mindful of the open door, and extended an arm. Closing my eyes to concentrate, I gently pulled Helga from the fork of the tree and set her on her paws near Jackie. The dog immediately began licking her mistress, trying to ease her distress and assure her of her continued life and well being.

Jackie sobbed in relief, throwing her arms around the neck of the Doberman, tears raging into the silky hair of her neck. Helga looked at me clearly surprised and I shrugged back.

I had some inkling of what it was that troubled my mortal, but needed more time to think things through.

Satisfied that Helga was safe, Jackie turned on me, storming up the stairs, causing me to take in involuntary step back. She raised her forefinger to jab the thin air of my chest, then abruptly her shoulders sagged and she shook her head.

“I give up.”

I watched her walk away from me toward the parlour.

Given up? What had she given up from?

I trailed her into the room, Helga at my heels, and saw her collapsed into the large, overstuffed chair facing the bay windows.

“Jackie.”

I knelt by her feet, and she refused to look at me. Helga took up her position on the other side of Jackie.

“Jackie.”

She still refused to look at me.

I reached out a hand, and willed a fingertip into solidity so I could turn her face to me.

Her green eyes showed her uncertainty and no small amount of betrayal. My heart was saddened to see it. It was a look I’d not seen for so long and one I thought I could erase from my memory forever.

“I am sorry, Sweetling.”

No more words would come as I looked at her, her face now carefully neutral.

When she finally spoke, her words were no more than a whisper. “I thought you were my friend.” She shifted in her seat and finally met my eyes square on. What I saw there astounded me. It was a mixture of grief, pain, longing and hurt, the same kind that is present when and adult kicks a small child’s puppy out of the way.

“Helga is unharmed.” I reached out and stroked the dog’s head gently, and she laid her head on her mistress’s knee, sighing. “I would not hurt her.”

Again, there was silence for a time as she studied me gravely. “Creed, I think you’re lying. I think you would. I think that if you knew I wasn’t coming home, then it would be only a matter of minutes before you did something really, really mean to her. I think you look at me as a new toy, and if I didn’t please you in some way, then you would do something equally mean to me.

“You’re a complete bastard, Creed.”

I opened my mouth to speak, then promptly shut it again. What more was there to say? Unable to do anything else, feeling the hurt shine bright in me, I slowly closed my eyes and faded into non existence.

Helga did not spare me a glance.

I could not move from Jackie’s feet.

The questions began to ask themselves. Was she right? Had I learnt nothing? Was I truly still evil?

I had not taken one life since I’d died. Not one. I had not seriously hurt one mortal that had moved into my house.

Struck, I walked around that thought a little more. ‘Not seriously hurt’? What did that mean, exactly?

So many families had come and gone since I’d started my supernatural existence here. I had grown quite fond of some of them, but I had been able to watch children die in the dangerous beauty of my home with nary a flicker of feeling. What did that mean? Did I still have a complete disregard for life and limb?

What had I really done for the people living in my house? Had I performed one single act that could be viewed as redeeming?

Actually, nothing and no I hadn’t.

I had always attributed it to my desire to be freed of the curse of the living in my home. I had always thought that it was because I didn’t like sharing my quarters with any living person. I assumed it was because I was sulking about being stuck in a house with nowhere to go for the rest of eternity. Was it truly that simple?

Was I supposed to do something for them?

It seemed as though the answers were clear, but I could sense something else just out of my reach. I could not capture and examine the fleeting thoughts that graced my consciousness.

Heart heavy, I got to my feet and slowly traveled to my most favourite other place in the house – the attic.

Perhaps there I would find what I was seeking.

~~~

It was the low pleading and moaning I heard on the still night air that drew me to her side again.

She was restless, Helga concerned, yet unable to sooth her mistress without me.

Swallowing the unfamiliar feeling that I’d finally realized was guilt, I lay on the bed beside her, and drew her into my arms. Gently, I stroked her hair.

“Safe, Jackie, you are safe.” Barely audible, I brought my ghostly lips to her forehead, soothing her quietly.

Uncharacteristically, she struggled and I gently pulled back.

“No, you’re hurting her.” The head moved on the pillow, hands clutching the sheets convulsively. I pulled back, ashamed; had I truly caused her that much mental anguish? I felt the size of an ant, so I began to fade away again, forced to leave her battling her own demons.

“Please …” The voice was a low moan, miserable, tearing at me.

Helga stared at me and huffed softly, pleading with me to help. I sighed. “There is nothing beyond wakefulness that will help your mistress.”

I reached out a hand, making sure to warm it first, then shook her gently. Helga took her cue and licked Jackie’s face, as I touched her hair.

Slowly Jackie came to and my hand stopped its forbidden stroking of her soft hair. I sat on the edge of the bed, safe in my invisibility and watched her as she gained confidence in her surroundings.

Tears slowly weaving their salty tracks down her sleepy and fearful face, she leaned forward and put her arms around Helga and began her soft sobbing afresh.

I couldn’t stand it and decided to make an attempt at peace.

Hesitantly I reached out for her, still invisible, and gave myself enough solidity to pull her into my arms.

Almost unwillingly, her arms tightened about my body, and the tears came in full force.

“Shhh.” I stroked her head. “I am here.”

“Like always.” There was a soft, hitching intake of breath. “Show yourself.”

I nodded my head, and slowly my form took shape. “I am here, Sweetling.”

There was silence for a time as she cried herself out, Helga watching us both closely, gently nudging her mistress, as though to assure herself that I was not going to hurt Jackie.

“I don’t understand.” Jackie pulled back to look into my carefully expressionless eyes. “Why?”

That was such a loaded question, one that I could not answer. Not only was I not sure of the answer myself, but I also didn’t want her to know what I did understand of the question. My thoughts of the hours since we had last seen one another had centered around her accusation that I was a bastard. It had been true in the past, but it was not true now.

I would never be able to tell her why.

Disappointed at my continuing silence, her eyes began to skitter away from my face. I backed away from her slightly, and gently forced her to meet my eyes again.

“I … I …” The words would not come and I didn’t know where to begin anyway. “I will not hurt you or your hound. I also won’t allow any harm to come to you.”

It would have to be enough for the moment.

“Who were you, Creed?”

Again, the answer was something I could not tell her. Aside from frightening her beyond good sense, it was something that no longer seemed to matter. The only thing that mattered was what I’d been and done after my death. Even that wasn’t shaping up to be such a good thing.

“I’m frightened of you, Creed.” Her green eyes were pleading. “Please don’t hurt me, just let me live here.” She clutched my solidity, but I could not feel her hands.

I allowed the hurt that I felt show in my eyes. “I don’t want you to be frightened of me. I have never thought of this as any more than a game. I want you to live here. Why? Why are you so frightened of me? I’ve never hurt you.” Instantly I wished I could take those last words back. Obviously my stunt with Helga this afternoon had hurt her badly on some primal level.

Losing her trust had been the most painful thing I had experienced since Matthew’s death.

She closed her eyes, and a fresh tear flowed down her face. “Please don’t hurt my dog.”

I closed my eyes, not wanting her to feel the self loathing that was slowly coming to make itself known to me. “I’ll not hurt Helga. I would never do that.” I pulled her in close again. “Why do you think the worst of me? What has happened to you, Jackie? I don’t know who has hurt you so in your past, but it wasn’t me. Don’t confuse me for them.”

She sucked in breath, then pulled back and looked at me again, anguish and sliver of fear making itself known in her stormy green eyes.

“You’re so similar.”

My brows contracted and there was a flash of anger I could not control. “I am me, Jackie, no one else. I have been here for hundreds of years and believe me I have learnt something.” That was true even if the revelation had only come this afternoon. My eyes softened and I allowed another almost forgotten emotion show in my eyes – gentleness. “Can’t we find some common ground between us?”

She looked at me closely, and reached up a hand to trace a cheekbone, but it passed straight through my face. “You want to be friends with me?”

I shook my head apologetically. “I have not had company for so long so I’ve forgotten how to behave.” That was another lesson Matthew had tried to teach me. “Besides, I’m a ghost – I have to do something to amuse myself.”

“Then talk to me, and stop playing with me.” She had gained in confidence slightly, but she still looked uncertain, clearly wondering what I was going to respond with.

“All right, I will talk to you.” I smiled slightly and pulled her in close again.

The next words were so soft I almost missed them. “Thank you, Creed.”

I held her for another few moments, then gently pushed her back down again and lay close to her, one hand propped up on my head. “Sleep, Sweetling, and rest easy. I will allow no harm to come to you.”

As she smiled at me gently, relief flickering in her eyes, I knew the words for the truth they had always been. I was protecting her and somehow I would help her before her stay with me was done.

Hours later, the crimson glow of sunrise heralded the start of another day. Helga and I both watched as Jackie stirred uncharacteristically early. Still solid, I lay by her side and watched as the awareness slowly came to her defenseless, sleeping form.

She smiled slightly, and opened her eyes. “You’re still here.”

I matched her smile with one of my own, though sadness still tinged my eyes. “Yes, Sweetling, I’m still here.”

She shook her head. “No nightmares.”

“I know.”

There was silence for a time as she lay on her back, blinking, allowing wakefulness to take her fully into its arms.

“I have to start my day.” She didn’t look at me, but her skin coloured. I raised a black eyebrow. What was she talking about?

“And?”

“I have to hop into the shower.”

“So?”

“D’you mind?” She gestured towards me and blushed, but to her credit her eyes didn’t leave mine.

“You have nothing I haven’t seen before, though I will admit yours is a lot nicer.” I couldn’t keep the smirk from my face.

“Brat.” She had flushed a dark red, and her finger went to stab my chest. I made sure it was solid so she could complete the gesture, cold heart gladdened that she appeared to trying to put her demons to rest and place herself on a more even footing with me. “Bugger off, gorgeous, so I can take my clothes off. For God’s sake, I’m not a bloody stripper for your amusement you horny old ghost.”

I couldn’t help myself. I burst out laughing. “Yes, Sweetling, you win this round. I will leave you be while you refresh yourself.” I slowly faded into invisibility, but before I left, I ran a cold finger down her cleavage as she muttered in outrage and pulled her gown closed.

Part 3

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