ForevaXena's FanFic . . .
Frozen
by JD Jenkins
DISCLAIMERS:
Frozen
You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen
When your heart's not open…
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken
When your heart's not open
Mmm if I could melt your heart
Mmm we'd never be apart
Mmm give yourself to me
Mmm you hold the key
Now there's no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken
Love is a bird she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside you die
You're frozen
- Madonna and Patrick
Leonard
"Gabby! You're back!" Joxer's gleeful face instantly turned to one of pain as Gabrielle pinched his nose, twisting hard.
"Yes she is," a low voice purred from a few feet away. Quickly forgetting about Joxer, Gabrielle focused on the tall woman standing off to the side of the clearing. With trance like movement, she closed the distance between them.
"Xena, you knew all along. That's why you wanted me to wait at the temple of Nemisine, right?" Even though it was a question, she already knew the answer.
Deep blue eyes met sparkling green. "I'd wondered how you made it to Chin ahead of me. I figured that Ares might have a hand in it, but what I couldn't understand was why." Pain flashed on Xena's face, her eyebrows drawing together. The whole incident has caused her a lot of pain. She hadn't understood why. But then one night….Xena's face cleared as she remembered. "Nightmares can tell you a lot of things, thank the gods you talk in your sleep."
A lopsided grin appeared on her face. "I knew this was one journey you had to make without me." Tears welled in Xena's eyes. Bringing a hand up to Gabrielle's cheek, Xena softly caressed the skin. "But, I'm just glad you made it back." Her voice broke as the emotion overwhelmed her.
"If I didn't have the painful memories, then I wouldn't know what the good ones were like, right?" Gabrielle touched Xena's forearm, needing to return the contact. "I just couldn't let go Xena, no matter what the pain." Her face clouded in remembrance. Briefly, she lowered her eyes. Taking a deep breath, she allowed her gaze to travel back up to Xena's face. "I'm sorry."
Vehemently, the warrior quickly replied. "No! No, it's over." Letting her body relax, Xena smiled. "Welcome home."
Moving closer together, the women embraced, taking reassurance from the contact. It had been so long since they had even felt comfortable enough to hug.
"Hey, aren't you forgetting about me?" Joxer's annoying whine broke the moment.
Letting out an almost inaudible growl, Xena pulled away. "No, Joxer, not even Nemisine could help her with that." She and Gabrielle moved to re-pack the scrolls Joxer had carelessly left unrolled and disorganized.
Handing Joxer his sword, Xena made a decision. "Joxer, I was given a message for you. Meg has been trying to reach you. Apparently she has gotten herself in a bit of a jam and needs your help."
Puffing up in pride, Joxer straightened. "Ahh…duty calls my friends. Do you think…."
Not letting him finished, Xena waved a hand at him. "No, no Joxer, I think you can handle this one on your own."
"Yeah, you're probably right!" One last look at Gabrielle's head, bent over the scroll she was trying to get re-tied and he said his good-byes, traipsing off into the woods, naturally in the wrong direction.
"I hope Meg is okay." Gabrielle said thoughtfully. She rather liked the…tavern owner. That might have something to do with who she looks like.
"Oh, I wouldn't worry about Meg." Nonchalantly, Xena gave Gabrielle a wicked smile.
Eyebrows came together. "But you said…." Realization dawned on Gabrielle. "Oh! I get it now!" Getting rid of Joxer gave them the chance to be alone, something neither one of them had really wanted in a long time.
Xena still wasn't sure that things were going to
be okay. The betrayal had hurt, more then she would admit even to herself. But,
she wasn't willing to let go of Gabrielle. They would have to take each day as
it came, and deal with whatever happened as it happened.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
They had been travelling for days since the temple. Both women were unusually
quiet as they traveled. This particular morning was especially difficult. It was
exactly 11 years after Solan's birth. To make matters worse, Xena had gotten
Gabrielle up when it was still dark, claiming that she wanted them to cover more
distance that day then they had the day before. Gabrielle was grumpy because the
cold shoulder she was getting from the woman who had been her lover just months
before.
Dew sparkled on the green undergrowth along a dirt road, the sun catching it in its rays and tossing slivers of bright reflection around. Having just started its ascent into the sky, the sun broke through the haze left over from night, breaking up the scattered shadows. As the day progressed, the sun would grow stronger, heating the earth and air, leaving its mark for that day. But, it was still early yet and there was a bit of chill still in the air from the night before.
This was Xena's favorite time of the day. She loved waking up with the forest, coming alive with the animals, finding peace in the quiet of the early morning. Unfortunately, her lover didn't feel the same way. Gabrielle was several paces behind Xena, her eyes still squinting from having recently awakened.
"Just 'cause the sun's up doesn't mean we have to be" the bard mumbled under her breath. Imagining a nice soft bedroll, Gabrielle felt her head get heavy as her eyes closed. Of course, when you are walking on a dirt road behind a horse and warrior, having your eyes closed wasn't the best idea. "Agh!"
Whipping her head around, Xena's eyes narrowed on Gabrielle who was sitting on the ground. "What happened?" She said as she dismounted.
"I just decided to sit down" came the acerbic reply. Getting a raised eyebrow, she sighed. "I tripped, okay?"
Extending a hand to the other woman, Xena helped her get righted again. "You okay?" It was said in a gruff manner, concern just barely edging its way in.
Annoyed by her lover's obvious lack of concern, Gabrielle let go of Xena's hand, and dusted off her skirt. "Yeah, fine, don't bother yourself." Grabbing her staff, which she had dropped when she tripped, Gabrielle walked past Xena, continuing her way along the road.
But, she really was more then annoyed, she was hurt. They had only been lovers for a few moons. And in those few months, they had been through more pain and sorrow then they had their entire time together. They had traveled to Chin, Brittania, hell….each place they went served to pull them farther apart. Now, Gabrielle wasn't sure where they stood with each other. Xena had pulled away from her, once again hiding her feelings and thoughts from the bard. A wall of careful control had been built, leaving Gabrielle without a way to break through. She didn't think that Xena was especially angry with her. They had both acknowledged that they shared the same pain, and in fact, that had helped them to realize that they needed each other more now then ever. But, their life had been so changed by the events that Gabrielle wasn't sure if she would ever get her Xena back.
This Xena was kind enough and attentive at times, but she was holding back. She never joked with Gabrielle and never spoke unless spoken to. They hadn't made love since before they arrived in Chin, and now she wasn't sure they ever would again. How could loving someone hurt so badly? Gabrielle wished she knew how to make things better again, how to bring back the Xena she fell in love with, but she didn't. Maybe I need to recognize that and move on, stop wishing for what can't be she thought to herself. But, in the same token, she needed to know what Xena wanted from all of this. If the warrior would just open up to her, maybe they could work this out, at least reach an understanding.
Deep in thought, Gabrielle didn't hear the hoofbeats approaching from behind her. An arm grabbed her around the waist, hoisting her up into the saddle. "What the…" was all Gabrielle said. It took only seconds for her to recognize the arms that held her and the horse she had been dragged up on.
"Fighting, up ahead." Was all that Xena said as she kneed Argo into a canter.
The sound of metal hitting metal came into focus before they reached the clearing where the fighting was taking place. A wagon was in the middle, surrounded by a gang of 8 men, all carrying swords. One man stood trying to protect his wagon from the gang, a small tarnished sword in his hands. Blood ran down his face where he had already been caught by one of the raider's swords, creating a bloody path.
Xena pulled on Argo's reigns, stopping the horse in the same instant that she summersaulted off, warbling her battle cry. Flying over the ring of bandits, Xena landed in front of the bleeding man, pulling her sword from her scabbard. "Didn't your mothers ever teach you to fight fair?" Xena purred before she engaged the man standing closest to her. Meeting his sword in the air, Xena used her skills to knock him off balance before rotating her hips and kicking him square in the chest, sending him flying outward.
The other men charged the laughing woman, flying at her with their swords in front, only to have them forced out of their hands by something the woman threw from her hip.
Grinning, Xena continued to play with the men until they got tired of the useless fight and ran off into the woods, most of them holding their bleeding hands close to their bodies.
Taking one last look at the retreating men, Xena slid her sword back into place, metal scraping against leather. Turing to where Gabrielle had pulled the traveler aside, Xena saw that the bard had already applied pressure to the man's wound and was now stitching it with small neat stitches. Still recovering from her arrow wound, Gabrielle didn't risk helping Xena fight, not yet anyway.
Without a word, Gabrielle handed the water skin to the warrior, who accepted it gratefully. "Thanks," was all that was said, but brilliant blue eyes held sparkling green for a moment, leaving more to be said.
Turing her attention to the man, Xena asked if he was okay.
"Yes, thank you. You came just in time, I don't think I could have done anything to protect myself from them.." The man's voice was nervous and high pitched. Having seen more action in one day then he had in his entire life, he was feeling a bit worn out.
Getting up, Xena extended her hand to help him to his feet. "Where are you headed?"
"Small town, about a day's travel from here. Kerna."
"You should be okay for the rest of your trip, we just came from that direction." Xena gave him a brief smile.
Sensing that the warrior was dismissing him, he thanked her again before climbing into the seat of his wagon and continuing down the road.
Sighing to herself, the warrior looked down at the golden head bent over their saddlebags, putting bandages and ointments back in place. Aching to go to the woman and run her fingers through the hair that she knew would be soft and silky, Xena felt her anger well up from deep within. Shaking her head, Xena went to where Argo was waiting patiently and mounted the horse.
"I'm going to ride ahead, stay here, I'll be back soon." And with that, she took off in a quick gallop.
Pushing herself and the horse, Xena knew what she was trying to do; trying to outride her emotions, hoping to find a way to reign in what she was feeling. The hurt was still there, the hurt from being betrayed by Gabrielle. She had forgiven the bard, however forgetting was turning out to be a problem. And there was also the anger.
Riding through the forest that surrounded them, Xena didn't even feel the branches as they whipped against her exposed skin. She was only feeling the anger. She wasn't angry with Gabrielle. No, she was angry with herself. She betrayed Gabrielle; She left her best friend and lover in anger; she was the one who tried to kill the person that meant more to her than anyone in her life. The anger she felt was overwhelming. It was because of that anger that she couldn't let herself get close to Gabrielle again. It was too much. She loved the fair-haired woman, more than she could understand. Without fear, the warrior would face death for Gabrielle. But, she couldn't open her emotions to the woman. She had come close back in the Thessalian healing temple. Knowing that Gabrielle was dying and she couldn't help, Xena almost caved in, almost allowed her walls to tumble. In the end, Xena had allowed Gabrielle inside briefly, but she pulled back again once she realized the bard was going to live. She wasn't going to let herself hurt Gabrielle again.
Pulling on Argo's reigns, Xena turned the horse back the way they had come, letting the horse determine the pace. She was in no hurry. 'I should take her back to the Amazon's and then leave." Xena told herself, but for some reason she couldn't part with the woman. Stupid, you know she has a piece of your heart, bitterly she realized that by keeping her close, but not letting her in she was hurting the bard anyway. Her body falling into rhythm with the horse's smooth trot, Xena let her head hang low as she tried to figure out what to do.
As Argo brought her closer to the clearing where the bard was waiting, Xena still hadn't found a solution. A figure was sitting on the ground, a quill and scroll in hand, scribbling something with smooth strokes. Looking at the golden head bent in concentration, Xena felt a sudden longing. This woman was so precious to her. Her heart tugged, and her mouth turned up in a smile without her thinking about it. Gods, if only we could go back to the way things were! I wouldn't make the same mistake twice! Xena knew it was pointless hoping, they had to live with what had happened.
Dismounting, Xena approached the seated woman. Gabrielle didn't look up, she knew who was coming and she want to finish her sentence before the warrior reached her. Quickly finishing, she shoved the scroll and quill back into her bag, still not looking up at the warrior.
The sadness that washed over her was so intense that tears came to her eyes. Trying to stop their decent, Gabrielle swiped at her eyes. Too late…
Crouching next to the bard, Xena caught the tear with her own hand.
"Gabrielle…." her voice was hesitant, filled with sorrow. "I'm sorry." She was. She was sorry she couldn't let Gabrielle back into her heart again, sorry that she couldn't make things go back to the way they were. Gently cupping Gabrielle's cheek with her callused hand, Xena brushed her thumb over soft skin.
Shuddering at the touch, Gabrielle leaned into the hand, only aware of how that simple gesture touched her heart. "I love you," slipped out of her mouth. She hadn't meant to say it, she had said it enough in the last couple of months, not that it seemed to do any good.
Moving her hand, Xena used the tip on her index finger to gently trace the outline of Gabrielle's lips. They were so soft and yet so firm. Xena knew from experience that they felt wonderful when pressed against her own. Seeing that Gabrielle's breath had become slightly ragged, Xena stopped, resting her finger on the bard's top lip. "I love you, Gabrielle."
With a wrenching sob, Gabrielle lunged toward the warrior, and was caught by two strong arms. Closing her eyes, she lifted her lips to Xena's, unable to contain her need to feel the other woman's lips pressed against hers.
Desire that had been held in check for a long time was finally released. Xena crushed the smaller body to her chest, her lips pressing hard against Gabrielle's. Wrapping her arms around the warrior's strong neck, Gabrielle matched the other woman's passion, her tongue slipping from her mouth to Xena's. With a moan, the warrior cradled the bard in her arms. Without breaking the kiss, Xena stood up, carrying Gabrielle with her. Walking off the side of the clearing, going far off the road, Xena knelt down in a clearing of high grass, laying the bard out on the ground and then covering her with her own body.
Her hands free, Xena let them slide over the body under her, firmly massaging the sensitive skin not covered by clothes. She shivered when she felt two smaller hands begin to unbuckle her armor. Backing away, Xena broke the kiss so that she could get the metal off herself, stripping down to her cotton shift.
"Gods, I've missed this," She moaned as she placed one knee on either side of the bard's hips.
"Me too," was the answer, choked with need.
Looking into passion-filled green eyes, Xena let her mouth form a seductive smile, taking in the bard's already heaving chest. With slow movements, Xena let her hands slide up the exposed abdomen, stopping when she reached the bottom of the green top which covered what she wanted. Agile hands unlaced the top, making it lose enough for hands to slide under and claim the full breasts underneath.
"Oh, so nice…" Xena purred as her nimble fingers found two hardening pebbles of flesh.
"Xena…" Gabrielle moaned as her eyes closed and her head rolled from side to side. The mere feeling of Xena touching her was enough to send shocking jolts of electricity through her body.
Sliding an arm under Gabrielle's lower back, Xena lifted her upper body with a strong, steady arm. With her other hand, she lifted the green top over the golden head.
Desire filled green eyes opened, watching Xena's reaction as blue eyes gazed upon two perfect breasts. Using her elbows to prop herself off, Gabrielle tugged at the white shift keeping her from feeling Xena's muscular body against her own. She needed the familiar pleasant weight of Xena on top of her.
Understanding what Gabrielle wanted, the warrior crossed her arms in front of her, hands grasping the bottom of the shift, pulling it up, over her head. Blue focused on green, an electric connection formed between the two women. Two sets of hands reached out, needing to complete the feeling with physical touch.
Slipping a leg between Gabrielle's thighs, Xena pressed against the other woman's center with her knee. A soft whimper escaped the bard's mouth. Bracing her hands on either side of Gabrielle, the warrior lowered herself on top of the woman, moaning when their skin touched. Small arms, strong from years of staff practice, wound around Xena's waist, pulling her still closer to the body underneath, their hot bodies melting together.
Pulling the other woman's head closer, Gabrielle kissed her jaw, reaching her tongue out, making contact with Xena's ear. Running over the lobe before pulling it into her mouth, Gabrielle sucked gently. The bard knew that Xena's ears were very sensitive, a secret erogenous zone. As she played with the ear, Gabrielle felt the knee between her legs ground against her mound in a tight circular pattern.
"Gods, Xena!" She moaned, letting go of the ear she had claimed.
"You like that?" A low voice whispered into Gabrielle's ear.
"Mmmm….yes!"
Pulling away, Xena pressed her lips to Gabrielle's, forcing her tongue into her sweet, warm mouth.
One hand snaked over a taunt stomach, sliding up Gabrielle's rib cage, finally stopping to cup a firm breast. Xena was constantly amazed at the feeling of the other woman's soft pliant breast against her callused fingers.
It had been a long time. Too long. Xena's need to her Gabrielle climax overcame her. Strong fingers reached for the belt around the bard's slim waist as Xena pulled away from Gabrielle's mouth and moved to an erect nipple.
Skilled fingers unbuckled the brown belt and then undid the buttons holding the piece of clothing in her way. The skirt feel to either side of the bard's hips, leaving only the thin breaches as an obstacle. Sliding her fingers between skin and cloth, she gripped the cloth in her hands and gave a hard tug, tearing the fabric away from the other woman's heated center.
Eyes clenched tightly shut, Gabrielle was writhing as pleasurable jolts electrisized her body. Moans were the only sounds the bard was capable of, growing louder each time Xena's teeth brushed her over-sensitized nipple. Taking notice of this reaction, Xena began to suck on the nipple, sliding it in and out through her teeth. Gabrielle's hips began to thrust against Xena's knee in a matching rhythm.
Lifting her head, letting the nipple slide out of her mouth completely, Xena gazed at the woman under her. Gabrielle's face was flushed, her breathing erratic and a sheen of sweat covered her body as the passionate shocks ran through her.
Two perfect breasts, nipples standing straight in the air, still wet from Xena's mouth; a taunt stomach, slim hips….Xena grinned as her eyes focused on the glistening golden curls between firm thighs.
"So beautiful, my bard," she groaned as she cupped soft, wet curls with one hand, pressing against the mound. Hips rose, pressing harder against her hand, needing to be touched, begging for release.
"And so wet!" Xena growled with pleasure as she slid one finger between moist nether lips. Bringing the finger to her face, Xena deeply inhaled through her nose, taking in the musky scent of Gabrielle's desire. Reaching down once again, she brought her wet finger to the bard's mouth, painting her lips with her own desire.
Snaking her tongue out, Gabrielle pulled the finger into her mouth, sucking hungrily on it. Letting her finger slid in and out of the hot little mouth, the warrior felt her own need rise. With a loan growl, Xena pulled her finger back, replacing it with her own lips.
Tasting the other woman's sweet, familiar wine on her lips, Xena pressed harder against Gabrielle as she slid her hand once again between legs that spread eagerly for her.
Two finders slipped between the folds of Gabrielle's womanhood, running up and down the slick length, brushing over first a tight bundle of nerves and then over the slick tunnel opening
A slow rhythm at first as Xena ran her fingers up and down the slick path, becoming fast and more urgent as Gabrielle's hips began to buck against her.
"So nice Gabrielle, so nice…" She knew the bard liked it when Xena talked to her while making love. Words meant so much to Gabrielle, even in passion. The result of the husky words was louder moans from the other woman.
Sensing that she wasn't going to last much longer, Xena suddenly stopped her finger's motion, instead thrusting them deep inside of Gabrielle's slick opening.
"Yesss!!!" Gabrielle cried out as long fingers thrust harder and deeper into her.
An explosion of pleasure rocked Gabrielle's core, spreading the tremors throughout the rest of her body. She screamed, feeling her inner muscles clamping down hard on the fingers inside of her.
Xena slowed and finally stopped her thrusting fingers, but didn't remove them. Rubbing the tips of her fingers over a slick spot deep inside of Gabrielle, she coaxed wave after wave out of the other woman.
Rolling over, taking Gabrielle into her arms, Xena finally pulled her fingers out of the tight tunnel, clasping the bard against her. Murmuring soft words to reassure Gabrielle of her presence, Xena gently rocked the bard while she fell back to earth.
A long while passed as the bard caught her breath. Tears were falling from her eyes, turning into sobs.
Worried and afraid, Xena pulled back to watch the golden-haired woman's face. "Gabrielle? What is it?"
Crying to hard to speak, Gabrielle threw herself back into Xena's arms, holding the woman as if she were a lifeline. Wrapping her arms around the shaking woman, Xena rubbed her hands over the bard's bare back in soothing circles, waiting till she calmed.
The tears finally subsiding, Gabrielle wiped her eyes but didn't let go of the warrior. A shiver ran through her body, making Xena tighten her hold. "Gabrielle?"
Sniffing, Gabrielle took a deep breath. "I'm…I'm sorrry Xxeenna…" her voice was unsteady as she finally spoke. "I…I…didn't thhhhink weee'd evver….do….ttthhat again."
Running her large hands over Gabrielle's soft silken hair, Xena tried to say something comforting. "I know, I know, it's okay."
A long while passed as both women took comfort in their physical nearness. The fist time they had made love, they have both felt an unbelievable connection. Gabrielle had finally come up with a description. She had said it was the feeling of two souls uniting.
These last few months had pulled them so far apart, but their souls were always together. That had probably made things even more difficult. While their hearts and minds were hurting and busy blaming each other, their souls were insynch.
There were so many nights where Gabrielle just wanted to take comfort in her lover's arms, just relishing the feeling of security she usually found in her best friend, but she couldn't. There was too much between them, too many issues left undealt with, those issues forced them apart. It was as if she had finally found her soulmate, only to have her taken away. It all seemed like a sick joke. Now it seemed that Gabrielle had her back. This thought brought a smile to the bard's face and a little giggle bubbled up, catching them both off guard.
"Sorry Xena," Gabrielle looked into her friend's cobalt eyes, seeing the need that was still unquenched. Her own smoldering gaze sending shivers down Xena's spine. Leaning toward her friend, Gabrielle lightly brushed her lips over Xena's, flicking her tongue against full lips. A low moan was emitted from the warrior's mouth, revealing her need to Gabrielle.
Gods! Xena thought. 'This woman can drive me crazy with just one touch!' The power that the bard had over the warrior was one that at one time the warrior had given to the bard freely. But, so much had changed…could she still give herself to the bard? She didn't think it was possible, not after what had happened, but her body was telling her otherwise.
The sensation of her nipples being pinched brought Xena out of her musings. Small fingers had found her large breasts and were fondling them in the rough manner that Gabrielle knew her warrior liked.
Moaning out loud, Xena arched her back, trying to let Gabrielle know what she wanted. But there was no need, Gabrielle's mouth had already found the hardened nipples, suckling them, biting them. First one, then the other, alternating rapidly. Feeling Gabrielle's hot mouth on her nipple, Xena grabbed the head bowing over her chest with both hands, holding it close against her. "Yes Gabrielle! Yes!" Oh yes, she needed this. She needed release and she needed it soon.
With an evil smile, Gabrielle's mouth released its captives. As Xena started to complain, she felt kissing being placed along her rib cage. Her hips jerked as a tongue dipped into her bellybutton. Hands slid down her body as the kisses got lower, until finally, she felt Gabrielle place light kisses on her mound.
Opening her eyes, Xena glanced down her body, seeing green eyes starring back at her from between her legs. That sight, the sight of Gabrielle about to give her life's most intimate kiss, almost made Xena climax right then and there. Only with careful control could she keep herself from release, knowing that is she could only wait she would be even more fulfilled later.
Laying her head back down, Xena spread her legs further apart, making room for the bard to lay between them. Small hands began to run over her thighs, sending wild tremors through her body.
"Gods, Gabrielle!" Was all Xena could get out.
Eyeing the down covered mound before her, Gabrielle licked her lips as she took in the aroma of Xena's essence. She brought her hands to the top of Xena's thighs, then sliding them together, pressing lightly into the heated center. Feeling Xena's sweet nectar on her hands, she couldn't restrain herself. She needed to taste the warrior.
Parting sweet petals with careful hands, Gabrielle let her tongue slip past into the moist center. Closing her eyes as her tongue glided over smooth planes, she knew exactly where to go, as she had been there many times in the past. Moving her tongue up the canyon, she made contact with the hard knot that would bring Xena pleasure. Swiping her tongue over it, she swirled around it a few times before taking it into her mouth.
Xena's hips bucked as she felt Gabrielle's lips close over her clitoris. Sucking on the pulsing button, Gabrielle brought Xena to the edge. Just as Xena thought she couldn't take anymore, three fingers shoved inside of her, thrusting deep and hard. Head coming off the ground, Xena screamed in pleasure, pumping hard against the other woman's hand inside of her.
Trying not to lose the grip her mouth had, Gabrielle met Xena's thrusting hips with thrusts of her own, pushing deep inside the warm tunnel while continuing to suck hard on the knot. Finally, after being able to stand no more, Xena's hips rose far off the ground, stilling as waves and waves of pleasure rolled over her body.
Sitting between Xena's legs, Gabrielle let go of her hold on Xena, letting the woman relax some before she crawled up the trembling, sweaty body of her lover. Rolling off Xena's body, Gabrielle slid one arm under the woman's shoulders, using the other hand to roll Xena onto her. That done, she cradled her against her, holding her tightly. Still out of breath and feeling very much like she was floating above them. Xena just lay her head on Gabrielle's shoulder, letting the bard croon sweet words of love into her ear.
The warm day mixed with their activities had worn
them both out. Xena had made sure that they were far enough off the road that
they wouldn't be disturbed. Argo munched on grass not far off and she trusted
the horse to tell them if anyone was coming. Allowing herself to fall asleep,
Xena stayed wrapped around the bard's relaxed body, lulled to sleep by the sound
of a firm heartbeat.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Soft hands touched her face in a gentle caress. She felt tears drop onto her
face and tried to open her weary eyes, but couldn't muster the energy to wake
up. "I love you so much, but I can't let you get close to me again. I can't
and I wish I could make you understand." Words whispered from above her, a
familiar voice with an unfamiliar tremble in it.
"I love you too.." She managed to say sleepily before once again falling into a deep slumber.
Afraid at once that Gabrielle had woken up, Xena held her breath, waiting to see what the bard would do next. But, instead of her eyes opening, Xena saw her chest rise and fall in the deep breathing rhythm of the sleeping.
Letting out a long breath, Xena brushed the tears off her face, ashamed that she had actually broken down. Waking up before Gabrielle, as usual, Xena had decided that they might as well camp there for the night, considering that the sun was already lowering in the sky. Gathering their sleeping rolls and furs, Xena had made a soft bed for them a few feet from where the sleeping woman still laid. That done, she picked up the bard, carefully taking her to the bedding and laying her out then covering her with a light blanket. Xena knew that she should go ahead and get the fire started for dinner, but she couldn’t tear herself away from the peaceful looking woman. Entranced, Xena had laid down next to Gabrielle, softly stroking her face.
Bitterly, she realized that she had made a
mistake today. As much as she wanted Gabrielle, she had resolved not to let the
woman penetrate her armor again and yet, by making love to her, Xena had already
damned herself. Torn between not wanting to get hurt again and desperately
wanting to be able to share her life with the bard as she had before, she felt
tears well up in her eyes. Her heart, soul and mind warred against one another,
but she knew there was only one answer. She also knew that Gabrielle wouldn't
understand. After their intimacy earlier, Gabrielle would think that everything
was okay, as it was before. But, as much as Xena wanted to let the bard in, she
was too afraid.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Slowly her mind floated into wakefulness. The smell of meat cooking wafted to
her and her stomach growled, reminding her that she was hungry. Surprised to
feel the soft fabric underneath her and the fur on top, Gabrielle realized that
Xena had already gotten up. Figures, she thought.
Sitting up, and stretching her back, Gabrielle looked down and saw that she was naked. The events of earlier that day came back to her and she felt a giddy sensation deep inside of her. It was okay! Everything was going to be all right now! Energized by the thought, Gabrielle hopped up, spotting Xena standing next to a blazing fire, a spit built over top. Two fish were cooking on the spit, not yet burnt, but she wanted to get over there to make sure they stayed that way.
Spotting her clothes, Gabrielle quickly put them back on, not really liking to wander around outdoors naked. Approaching the fire, she immediately sensed that something was wrong. Looking around her, she realized what it was. All the emotional walls around Xena that she had thought would be gone were still up -- nothing had changed. She could sense the warrior's emotional distance without even trying hard.
Confused and hurt, Gabrielle got closer. "Hi," she said quietly.
Looking up from the fire, Xena glanced at Gabrielle, warlord mask firmly in place. "Hi," a cool voice replied.
Disappointed, Gabrielle felt like crying, yelling, screaming, something! Instead, she spoke in a quiet voice, eyes focused on the ground. "Xena, why?" The dark head looked up at this, not expecting a confrontation on the matter. "Why won't you let me in? I know I hurt you, but you said you forgave me." Her voice contained no emotion, she felt empty.
Xena thought about this. Yes, she had forgiven the bard, but she couldn't erase the hurt she felt. With a tired voice, Xena gave a impassive reply. "I just can't, Gabrielle."
Waiting for the warrior to continue, several moments passed as Gabrielle realized that Xena had no more to say.
"I don't know what more to say Xena. I just don't understand. You just made love to me, very passionate love, I might add. And yet, you still can't let me in." In Gabrielle's mind, to open your body to someone was to open your soul.
Xena, on the other hand, had often used sex to get what she wanted. It was always about power and control. Granted, since she had been with Gabrielle she had learned more about what it meant to make love to someone whom you loved and cherished, but that didn't change the fact that she knew that sex could be a game. She knew that what had happened earlier hadn't been a game, but it also didn't indicate that she was going to expose herself to Gabrielle, baring her soul to her.
Seeing that she wasn't going to get an answer from Xena, Gabrielle made the decision to distance herself from the problem. "I am going for a walk." She turned, grabbing her staff from a near by saddlebag, she marched off into the woods.
As much as she didn't want to, Xena let her go,
not sure what she could do to help.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starring out across the calm water of the lake, Gabrielle couldn't believe the
nightmare quality of the last few months. She felt as though eventually, she
would wake up, safe in Xena's arms, all of this just part of a dream. "Dammit!
Why can't she open up to me?" She asked the lake.
Dusk had fallen during Gabrielle's walk. She finally came upon this lake, finding a nice smooth boulder, perfect for contemplating while looking out across the serene water. Not knowing how long she had sat there, not really caring, only feeling the incredibly empty sensation.
Not knowing what else to do, Gabrielle stood up
and raised her hands in the air. "Artemis! I ask for your help! Help me get
her back, help me to understand what is going on." Breaking down, Gabrielle
fell onto her knees, sobbing, not feeling the hard impact of her knees hitting
the hard stone. "Please help me, please!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Worried about the bard who had been gone for hours, Xena followed the trail left
by the woman's haphazard journey through the woods. The trail stopped when she
reached a fairly large lake. Standing on the shore, Xena gazed around the
darkness, looking for some sign of the other woman. Clouds in the sky prevented
Xena from using the moonlight to help.
Just as she was about to give up and try somewhere else, the clouds broke, letting a beam of moonlight cascade down. Following the light, Xena saw shimmering golden caught in the beam.
Finding Gabrielle hunched over on a smooth rock, Xena gulped down her fear, letting her training take over. Kneeling carefully beside the bard, she lifted the woman's head. Gabrielle's eyes were closed but Xena could see the rise and fall of the woman's chest. Carefully adjusting her body, Xena cradled the bard in her arms, lifting her slowly off the ground. A small whimper escaped from the bard.
"Shhh…it's okay, I've got you." Xena whispered, trying to comfort the woman.
Arriving back at the camp site, Xena went to the bedding, laying Gabrielle out on her back so that she could asses if there was any damage. Both knees were bloody, and large angry bruises covered the area not bloody. Carefully examining the rest of the woman's body, Xena discovered that her knees where the only thing wrong, at least on the exterior. Getting her heeling kit, Xena carefully cleaned the wounds. Putting a thick ointment on top of the scrapes, she wrapped both knees carefully with dry clothes.
Gabrielle had wakened during the procedure, but remained silent.
Turning with her back to the bard, Xena began to pack away the rest of her gear when she heard the bard behind her.
** I didn't think you cared ** she heard in a sarcastic tone.
"Well, you were wrong." Xena replied turning to look at the other woman.
Gabrielle gave her a surprised look. "Wrong about what?"
"You just said you didn't think I cared, well you were wrong."
Puzzled, Gabrielle shook her head. "I didn't say that.."
"Yes you did, I heard it!" Xena was exasperated. ** Now's not the time for games, Gabrielle**
"I'm not playing games, Xena!"
"I didn't say you were." Xena said surprised. "I only thought it."
"What do you mean you 'thought' it? I heard you, clear as day, you said 'Now's not the time for games, Gabrielle' and in a really sarcastic tone too!"
**What am I thinking right now? ** Xena said to herself, having an idea of what was going on here.
"How in Hades am I supposed to know what you are thinking!" Exasperated, Gabrielle's voice was getting louder. ** She's impossible!**
"I know what you are thinking right now," Xena said quietly.
"Okay, fine, what I am thinking?"
"You're thinking that I am impossible."
Stunned silence followed. Gabrielle's mouth hung open in disbelief.
**Close your mouth, you'll catch flies** The
voice came through in Gabrielle's mind, but her eyes, focused on Xena's face,
didn't see her mouth open once. With an audible snap, Gabrielle closed her
mouth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Silence invaded the campsite. With careful but brisk motions, Xena put away the
left over bandages and ointments, not once letting her eyes rest on the still
form of Gabrielle. Trying to work out a solution or at least an answer, the
normal verbose bard was quiet, but Xena could hear every thought as though the
bard were shouting. The other woman's thoughts invaded her own, threading
through her mind, intermixing with her own ideas.
Getting up, moving away from the fire, Xena thought that maybe distance would help quell the infusion of speculation. Moving towards Argo, intending to brush the mare down, Xena felt a piercing pain in her mid section, forcing her to her knees as flashes of white lightening blinded her vision. She heard Gabrielle scream out her name, distress lacing her voice. Ignoring her own excruciating discomfort, Xena crawled blindly in the direction of where she knew that bard was.
"Xena," the bard whimpered as Xena reached her. The pain had subsided now, but she was feeling incredibly drained. Eyes clamped shut, she could feel the presence of the other woman and reached her hand out to her. Long rough fingers entwined with her own.
"I'm here…" Her heart was beating fast and her breath was shallow, but the pain was gone, leaving only a weary sensation. Cautiously, blue eyes opened and attempted to focus. After several moments, Xena could see clearly. Gabrielle was sitting on the blankets still, her body in a defenseless fetal position, eyes clenched tightly closed, hands desperately gripping Xena's.
"You…you felt…that too…didn't you?" The bard was trying to get her breath, the words came out in halting phrases. But, she knew the answer without asking. Her mind had told her that Xena had felt that horrible pain the same as she had.
With unusual unsteadiness the warrior stretched her body out on the bedrolls, then reached for the other woman, carefully cradling the smaller body in her arms, holding her close. She didn't know what had happened, but she knew that she felt vulnerable and weak. While it seemed as though she were comforting Gabrielle, she was actually taking refuge in the other woman's quiet strength. When together, she felt as though they could take on the world, their strength coalescing to form a greater power, like nothing she had ever felt before.
Hearing a soft snore coming from the crook of her
arm, Xena realized Gabrielle was breathing the deep breaths of someone asleep.
Never letting go of her precious bard, Xena used her feet to pull the fur up,
covering both of them. She took a moment to pull back and look at the bard's
face. "You are so beautiful," she whispered to the sleeping woman,
unable to take her eyes away from the moon lit skin, letting one finger trail
over a nose, then down the side of a cheek. Sighing, she finally placed a gentle
kiss on the lucious lips and settled in for the night, not knowing if sleep
would be possible.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Part Two
The Power of Goodbye
Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken…I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no
Walk away
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Walk away
There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power than the power of goodbye.
- Madonna and Rick Nowels
It was sometime later that Gabrielle woke up. Opening her eyes, she realized it was still night. The familiar smell of leather and soap reminded her of where she was. Two strong arms held her tightly against the warrior's chest, allowing her to feel the rise and fall of each breath. She had been sleeping with her head on that chest, waking to the sound of a steady, familiar heartbeat.
**Please don't leave!!****
Gabrielle started, not sure where that was coming from. She moved her head up so that she could look around, not sensing anyone else near them. A look around the campsite revealed no one.
**I'm sorry, don't go!!!**
The voice sounded familiar, but she had never heard a voice with such pain and anguish evident in it.
**Don't hate me, I'm sorry!!***
It was Xena's voice, she realized. Whipping her head around she looked at the warrior's face. Her eyebrows where knitted together and her mouth had a trace of a frown on it. But her eyes were still closed and her mouth didn't open when Gabrielle next heard the voice.
**Gabrielle, I need you!***
Xena was dreaming and Gabrielle could hear her dreams. 'Amazing', she thought. Obviously she was dreaming about the bard. Closing her eyes, she focused on the dark-haired woman's thoughts. It only took a minute for Gabrielle to sense what Xena was dreaming. It was a dream that the bard had had many times herself over the last few weeks. In the dream, Xena left Gabrielle, claiming that she hated her and couldn't be around her anymore. Gabrielle would beg her forgiveness, ask her to stay, but each time, Xena walked out of her life for what she knew would be for good. Xena was having the same kind of dream, only in her dream, Gabrielle was leaving her.
Tears started to form in Gabrielle's eyes. If only the warrior would open up to her, she would find out for herself that Gabrielle had no intention of ever leaving her.
Suddenly, the sleep woman began to jerk against some invisible restraint, crying out loud. Putting her arms around the woman's neck, Gabrielle pressed her body hard against Xena, rocking her gently and talking to her. As she talked, she placed small kisses on Xena's face.
"Gabrielle!!!!' Xena sat straight up, taking the bard with her.
"Shhh…it's okay Xena, I'm right here." Gabrielle crooned to the shaken woman.
For a brief instant, Xena gazed at the young woman as though she didn't believe she were real. Her shield dropped as realization that she was looking at her Gabrielle and that Gabrielle was there. Eyes clouded over with instant relief as arms went around a slim waist, bringing the smaller body tightly against her. Taking a second to acknowledge that their bodies fit so perfectly together. 'It was just a dream, she's still here….for now.' was the dour thought that ran through her mind.
"Xena," she patiently waited until eyes that were once again guarded met hers. "Xena, we need to talk about this. We need to find out what is happening with us, who did this." ***And why you won't be honest with me.***
"I'm not lying to you," came a sardonic reply.
"No, but you aren't telling me everything, are you?" Green eyes flashed in frustration.
Xena didn't answer, nor did she let go of the bard. Holding the woman tightly against her, she rested her head on Gabrielle's, the familiar smell of the bard's soap reminding her of times past.
"Xena, it doesn't have to be the past. We can move on from here, but I can't do it alone."
Silence emanated the camp once again. Neither woman made any attempts to move away from the other. Each was consumed in the weight of the situation as they starred out into the stary night, letting the feelings wash over them.
Resting her head on Gabrielle's shoulder, Xena didn’t think, she just sat there. There was no need for her to listen to the other woman's thoughts, she could feel the inner struggle going on.
Gabrielle, on the other hand, was completely absorbed in her thoughts. She just couldn't handle this! Gabrielle felt tears come to her eyes. Unsure if she could live with someone who couldn't open up to her, she realized what her only other option would be. Before all this happened, Xena's taciturn nature was something she could deal with. When it really counted, the warrior would share with her and once they became lovers, Xena could take her breath away with a single poetic phrase.
It would have been easier if she didn't love Xena so much. But, she did and that made the silence unbearable. It was too painful.
"Do you regret loving me?" A soft voice barely broke through Gabrielle's thoughts. Xena felt something she'd been feeling a lot lately well up inside of her -- fear. The thoughts that Gabrielle was having -- thoughts of despair, thoughts of giving up -- scared her.
"Regret loving you?" Pulling back from Xena's embrace, Gabrielle looked into sad blue eyes. She thought of the two years she'd spent loving her best friend. Then she thought of the brief period of peace they'd experienced when the had first become lovers. With a gentle smile. she looked at Xena. "No, I could never regret loving you."
Lifting the smaller woman out of her lap, Xena turned away, gazing at the dark forest, her eyes holding a far away look. Taking a deep breath, she finally asked the question really weighing on her heart. "Are….are you going to leave me?"
Looking at Xena's hunched shoulders, Gabrielle immediately replied with "Do you want me to leave Xena?"
Her mind screamed no, but aloud she said "It's your choice."
Gabrielle wanted to yell at Xena, take her by the arms and shake her until she said what she really meant. But, she had heard what Xena's mind thought, even though the warrior wouldn't say the words aloud. She bit back her harsh comments. "I don't want to leave."
"Then…"
"But," Gabrielle interrupted Xena's response, "you might push me away and force me out of your life."
That stung Xena, she felt her gut clench and her heart ache. She pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them, bracing her body so that she could stop the internal shaking she was feeling. **Why can't I give her what she wants?** she thought sadly.
"Xena, how can I stay when you won't let me near? It's like your so close, but still to far to touch. I don't…I just don't know if I can handle that." Scooting closer to the warrior, she assumed the same position as Xena, only sitting a bit behind her. With a sigh, she leaned her head on the broad shoulders she loved so much, closing her eyes.
This entire situation made Gabrielle think back
to a conversation she'd had with Ephiny almost a year before.
"You won't get through to her," the
Amazon Regent had said.
Gabrielle hadn't needed to ask who. "What makes you think that?"
"Think? I don't need to think, I know!" Her face softened when she saw the despair on her Queen's face. "Gabrielle, she's not someone you can…get close to."
"I'm closer to her than anyone."
"But, you won't get in all the way." Frustration was evident on Ephiny's tanned face. "You should stop wasting your time with someone so unreachable!"
That had gotten Gabrielle mad. "What, leave her and then what?"
"Come here, live with us," Ephiny stated as though an obvious answer.
It was then that Gabrielle understood what Ephiny wanted. "Leave Xena and be with you, you mean?"
The Amazon's face fell at having been figured out. "Yes," she admitted quietly. "Would that be such a bad thing?"
"It wouldn't be such a bad thing, but…"
with one final phrase, she had ended the discussion. "I love her, Ephiny."
Still starring off into the distance, Xena
listened to Gabrielle's quiet reminiscing, was surprised. "You never told
me about that." She said offhandedly, but mental she thought about what
would have happened if Ephiny had convinced the bard. ***Maybe that would have
been better for her.***
"No, Xena, that wouldn't have been better for me!" Xena winced, having
forgotten about their connection. Gabrielle continued to explain. "It would
have been the same as when I got married." She was unwilling to mention
Perdicus' name, knowing how much it hurt the warrior. "There was and always
has been just one person I wanted. No one else would have been enough."
**People fall off pedestals, Gabrielle. The bigger they are the further they have to fall.**
Catching the thought, Gabrielle responded. **You haven't fallen yet.**
Turning around, facing the bard, Xena spoke. "Haven't I?" Surprised, she looked into sincere green eyes. "After all that has happened?"
Taking a moment before she responded, Gabrielle finally spoke. "Nothing has changed in the way that I feel about you. Yes, this has come between us, but you still hold my heart in your hands. Nothing has changed that. What's changed is the way you treat me."
She felt relief flood the tall woman, but there was guilt as well. Stretching her cramped muscles, Gabrielle looked into the sky. Faint lines of light could be seen in the horizon.
"We might was well break camp and get back on the road. If we keep a good pace we might make it to the Amazon village by tonight." The warrior finally spoke. Hesitating, Xena reached a hand out to touch the bard's arm. "Gabrielle? I…I just want you to know that …I do…love you." She looked down at the ground, blinking back a tear. "This is my fault, I know that. I can't promise you anything because I don't know myself. I…I would understand if you decided to stay with the Amazons." Her voice got deeper as she tried to keep emotion from overwhelming her. "It seems that all I do is hurt the ones I love." **Mother, Lyceus, You…maybe I deserve to be alone.**
"I love you, Xena and as long as you make an effort to get over this, I won't give up on you." Gabrielle squeezed the hand gripping her arm before rising.
Lifting her head the warrior watched the lithe body move away from their bed. **Gods, she's magnificent!**
"I heard that!" Gabrielle called over
her shoulder, a smirk on her face.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Munching on a piece of jerkied beef, Gabrielle listened with fascination to
Xena's thoughts. Her awareness of their surroundings never ceased. Everything
from identifying the flora around them, to scrutinizing sounds that Gabrielle
couldn't even hear, nothing went unnoticed. From atop Argo, Xena's senses were
focused everywhere.
"For someone who doesn't talk much, you sure have a lot running through your mind!" She commented, breaking the morning silence. The sun had risen, providing them a peaceful day of traveling. The both had agreed that they need to find out why they suddenly had this connection. Anytime then tried to move more then a few feet away from each other, the terrible pains started until they were once again close. It seemed that they were stuck with each other for the time being.
"You have some interesting thoughts of your own, my bard." She said this last part out of habit. But, it felt good, familiar. It also got an adorable reaction out of Gabrielle, who's thoughts whirled around this indication of affection.
Although they spent the day without speaking much, both women began to learn more about each other because of their connection.
At one point Gabrielle was working on a new story from their most recent adventures when Xena blurted out "You're still upset about that bet???"
As her thoughts were suddenly given voice, Gabrielle swiftly adjusted. "Just a bit."
Snorting in disbelief, Xena asked "Why?"
"You kissed him! Rather passionately, I might add!" Teeth clenched, Gabrielle didn't hid her exasperation.
"It was part of the plan, Gabrielle!" Xena retorted. "And trust me, there was no passion in that kiss!"
Kicking at a stone on the road, Gabrielle didn't say anything.
What was going on here? Xena didn't understand Gabrielle's reaction. Why would she care if….it dawned on her. "You're jealous?"
Keeping her sight on the stone she had kicked, Gabrielle kicked it again as they reached it. "Sometimes, I guess I'm selfish. I don't like sharing you with anyone." The admission was a mumbled whisper, but Xena's exceptional hearing picked it up clearly.
"Is that why you objected so much to Tara?"
Blonde hair flew as Gabrielle whipped her head around, glaring up at Xena. "That, and she tried to kill me! You didn't seem to care that the girl wanted me dead!"
Silence. Argo whinnied, breaking the quiet air. Then, the release of a sigh followed. "I'm, sorry. I wasn't thinking of it from your perspective."
Surprised, Gabrielle turned this apology over in her head. "I guess I get a little worried that one day you will find someone to replace me, that you'll get tired of me." The voice was small, almost like a child's.
Clearing her throat, Xena sat taller in the saddle. "There's no reason to be jealous, Gabrielle. There's no one else." **Not only is there no one else, there's no one else I could ever want, Gabrielle.***
***Thank you*** was the quiet response.
Part Three
To Have and Not to Hold
To have and not to hold
So hot yet so cold
My heart is in your hand
And yet you never stand
Close enough for me to have my way
To love but not to keep
To laugh but not to weep
Your eyes they go right through
And yet you never do
Anything to make me want to say
Like a moth to a flame
Only I am to blame
What can I do
I go straight to you
I've been told
You're not to have
Not to hold
To look but not to see
To kiss but not to be
The object of desire
I'm walking on a wire
And there's no one at all
To break my fall
- Madonna and Rick Nowels
The sun was in the middle of the sky, shinning full down on the travelers. Intermittent clouds offered some cover from the sun, but the heat was almost unbearable. Stopping by a lake for a mid-day meal, Xena and Gabrielle took the opportunity to soak their hot feet in the cool water.
This had been the best day they'd had in a long time, Gabrielle thought. They were teasing each other, maybe not as carefree as they used to, but they were still trying. It would take them time to get used to one another again.
"Xena, do you think that we have both changed? That we're both different somehow?" With great difficulty, the bard had managed not to reach out for Xena's hand as she spoke. Instead, she kept her hands occupied by holding on to the cheese and bread she was eating. Green eyes darted from the relaxed water to the turbulent blue eyes next to her.
Slowly chewing what was in her mouth, Xena swallowed before she answered. "Yeah, we've both changed." She didn't really want to talk about this.
"We need to talk about this," Gabrielle persisted. "How have we changed?"
Her feet still in the water, Xena shifted in her spot on the bank. Without glancing at Gabrielle, Xena picked up a rock and tossed it into the water, breaking the calm surface. "You've lost your blood innocence….you've now had to become a part of the darker side of life." ***A side I never wanted you to know.** She tossed another rock into the water. "Me….I…I don’t know." She sighed heavily and starred at the water.
A scene flashed through her mind. Ming T'ien sat in front of her on his throne, Gabrielle tugging at her sleeve. "You're right, I don't have to resolve this with murder." She had lied -- to Gabrielle no less. Someone who meant more to her then anything in the world, someone she would die for, someone she wanted to be with for the rest of her life, and Xena had lied to her.
Gabrielle silently watched the scene with Xena, remembering the words that had brought her great relief, only to later come back and haunt her. It was only later that Gabrielle had realized that she was wrong. Her own self-righteousness about avoiding murder had led her to betray her best friend and lover. It wasn't till later that she had a better understanding of the debt that Xena had to repay.
"I feel like I'm back on the road to Potedia, burrowing my sword and armor. Ready to give up my old ways, but still feeling them inside of me." Xena finally spoke. That was how she felt, almost like in a lot of ways, the last three years hadn't happened. All the bard's influence was gone, or at least buried deep within herself. She had resolved before she had met Gabrielle that she wouldn't let anyone close to her, she would be a rock. Love was something that she didn't want, something that she didn't need. But, somehow, this young bard had wormed her way into Xena's life and heart. She couldn't deny that, but at this moment, she was fighting with herself.
"Would you be happier without me?" The question was innocent enough, but Xena knew it held great power.
Sighing, Xena stood up, stretching. As she finished, she looked at the woman still sitting on the bank, catching the green eyes starring at her in honest admiration, desire and lust brimming on the surface. Grinning at the stare, Xena reached for the bard's hands, helping her up off the bank.
Thinking about Gabrielle's question, Xena knew there was no question. Gabrielle was like a sweet wine. If you have never tasted it, you don't know what you are missing. But, all it takes is one taste and from that point on, you always wish your mug were full with it. Before she knew Gabrielle, Xena would have been content. But, the minute Gabrielle walked into her life, Xena got her first taste of the life she could have. There was no going back. If she lost the bard now, she would be miserable.
"I think I kind of like this thought sharing thing. You are a very eloquent thinker, Xena. This way I don't have to guess what you are thinking and not saying, I know!" The bard was a bit giddy from receiving Xena's mental answer to her question.
Growling a little in the bard's direction, Xena wasn't as happy. She didn't like having her privacy invaded, even by Gabrielle. Her thoughts were the one thing that she didn't have to share all the time, and she took some comfort in that up to now.
"I guess I should be happy, you're not talking as much!" Xena retorted. It got her a raised eyebrow as the bard made the quick decision to tackle the bigger woman. With a flying leap and a strangled yell, Gabrielle dove at the warrior. Rolling her eyes, Xena let herself be tackled and they fell to the ground in a rolling heap.
Using her advantage of size and height, Xena soon had the bard on her back. Pinning down flailing arms with her own, and straddling hips with her knees, Xena managed to keep the woman still. "Ga-bri-elle…."
Preparing herself for Xena's tickling fingers, Gabrielle was surprised when she felt warm soft lips covering her own. The persistent mouth took all breath out of the bard's body, leaving her gasping for air and the desire for more.
She felt the chilling air blow over her overheated lips. Opening her eyes, she saw a shadow of a grin on her partners face. "I wasn't expecting that." She said softly, her green eyes focusing on the blue above.
"I don't want to be come predictable, would ruin my image." The velvet voice answered, rolling over Gabrielle's body, leaving tremors in its wake. She hadn't heard that playfully sensual voice in many months. The, she took a moment and focused on Xena's thoughts. Laughter bubbled up through her, cascading out of her mouth and breaking the silence in the air.
"What?" Xena was perplexed, not expecting the laughter.
"That would scare away the wildlife!"
Burst from the laughing woman.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
By the time nightfall came, they were still a few hours from the Amazon village.
Too many stops and too many introspective questions from Gabrielle had slowed
them down. Plus, the fact that Xena couldn't ride ahead to scout the area
hindered them some and they had been surprised once or twice by bands of men
foul looking men looking to take advantage of the two women. Of course, Xena
surprised them quickly by disarming them and sending them on their way.
They had to set up camp together, both women going for water from the nearby stream, but women scouting the perimeter. Once, Xena tried to move away a little to tend Argo, only to have terrible wrenching pain make her turn back.
Sitting down to sharpen her sword, Xena stayed near the bedrolls where Gabrielle had laid down for a nap. The fire was burning nicely, sending out crackling embers which permeated the quiet of the forest along with the sound of rock against sword.
Reflective blue eyes starred at the sleeping woman, enjoying the chance to examine the fine features. Red-blond hair cascaded all around Gabrielle's head; one strong arm was thrown over the bard's fair face; her chest rose up and down as she breathed deeply and Xena felt herself warm at the thought of what lay under that little green top. With a small sigh, Xena's eyes strayed to the lips that were opened slightly as the woman slept. Almost like she was getting ready for a kiss.
Not able to resist, Xena put her sword down and moved closer to the bard. Lying on her side next to the bard, Xena carefully caressed a soft cheek, loving the feel of soft warm skin under her fingers. Just as she was about to lean forward to touch her lips to the bard's face, a whimper of pain came from the girl. Backing off a little bit, Xena tried to listen to Gabrielle's dream.
The dream was full of her. Flashes from the past three years were going through the bard's head, but they kept flashing back to the same scene over and over again. Finally the flashing stopped and stayed on that one scene. Two fires burnt brightly against the night sky. She saw her own face looking bitter and angry, ice blue eyes starring at her. "No. No, I trusted you and you lied to me. You lied to me and now my son is dead. Solon is dead because of you!"
At this, Gabrielle began moaning in her sleep, her body thrashing as if being physically beaten. Xena lifted the sleeping woman and cradled her in her arms, rocking her slowly as she pressed the smaller body against her own. **Gods, is this what it will always be like? We try to forget, but our dreams won't let us***
Finally, the sleeping woman began to calm down, whispering over and over again "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." She nuzzled Xena's shoulder with her head, taking comfort in the strong arms around her. The angry Xena turned into the loving Xena in her dreams.
As the warrior listened to the bard's dream, she saw herself making love to the woman. Then, in the dream she and Gabrielle laid naked in each other's arms, professing their love for one another. The sleeping woman in her arms gave a sweet little sigh and then her eyes fluttered open. "Xena…"
"I'm here, little one, I'm right here." The warrior spoke softly to the waking woman.
Gabrielle opened her eyes further, surprised to see that the warrior was fully clothed. Checking her own body, she saw that she was still wearing all her clothes too. ***Damn, it had to be a dream!***
Chuckling, Xena gently laid the bard back on the
bedrolls and pressed her lips to Gabrielle's forehead. "Yeah, but it was a
really, really nice dream!" She flashed Gabrielle an evil grin and got a
tongue poked out at her in response.
To Be Continued? That's up to you! Let me know what you think and whether or not I should continue this story!
Back to FanFic Index