Xena Horror Princess Show

ForevaXena's FanFic . . .

The Xena Horror Princess Show

by Alex Ringler

"The Rocky Horror Picture Show" and its characters are trademarks of 20th Century Fox. No copyright infringement was intended. "Xena: Warrior Princess" and its characters are trademarks of StudiosUSA/Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement was intended with this story.

This is an original work by Alex Ringler (callistoxe@aol.com) that is based upon Xena: Warrior Princess and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It is the sole copyright of Alex Ringler. HTML translation and editing by khedron@graffiti.net. Feel free to distribute, but please contact the author upon publication.

Song List

Ancient Fiction, Crossover Feature
Damn Me, Gabby
Over at the Warrior Place
The Plot Twist
Sweet Warrior Princess
Traveling Companion Song
What Ever Happened to Having a Fight?
I Need, I Need a Real Man
Ares' Princess
Wise Up, Gabrielle
The Floor Show
Anyhow, Anyhow

The Xena Horror Princess Show

We open on a dark surface with only a pair of red lips visible.
"ANCIENT FICTION - CROSSOVER FEATURE"
VOICE OVER	Aphrodite was ill When Ancient Greece stood still But she taught us how to love Her son Cupid was there In golden underwear And Zeus threw lightning down from above. Then something went wrong As they traveled along They got caught in a crossover jam Then at a deadly speed It came from the 70's And that is how this all began. Ancient fiction - crossover feature Warrior X will build a creature See Romans fighting Jox and Gabby Athena drives in a yellow cabbie Oh - At the late night, crossover feature TV show. I knew Hercules Was down on his knees When that Golden Hind of his was killed And I really got steamed When I saw in his dream That it looked like her blood he did spill. But Xena knew Herc Wasn't a jerk And she proved his innocence to the town But when time lines collide Said Rob Tapert to his bride I'm going to tear traditional history down With an - Ancient fiction - crossover feature Warrior X will build a creature See Romans fighting Jox and Gabby Athena drives in a yellow cabbie Oh - At the late night, crossover feature TV show. I want to go. Oh - To the late night, crossover feature TV show. By R.T. oh, oh, oh. Oh - At the late night, crossover feature TV show. With lights down low. Oh - To the late night, crossover feature TV show.
Church bells ring as the picture turns from black into the wedding hut in Poteidaia, GABBY's hometown. A couple, EPHINY, a former amazon (now in chains), and JETT, a black clad assassin, emerges newly married from the hut with many guests throwing rice. Pictures are taken. GABBY, a normal looking girl in a green top and pink skirt (staff in hand) and EPHINY talk while JOX, a quirky looking, skinny warrior, and JETT, brothers, have words.
JETT	Well, I guess I really did it, huh!
JOX	I don't think there's any doubt about that - you and Ephiny have been almost inseparable since you attacked and nearly killed all of the amazons of Gabby's tribe and then forced Ephiny to marry you.
JETT	Tell you the truth, Jox, she was the only reason I destroyed all of the amazons in the first place. Ha-ha. I mean . . .
GABBY and EPHINY glare at JETT in disgust. JETT waves and smiles.
EPHINY	All right everyone this is it. You ready?
EPHINY throws the bouquet and GABBY strikes the other women with her staff until she catches it.
GABBY	I got it! I got it!
JETT	(To JOX) Hey, big fella, looks like it could be your turn next, hey?
JOX	Who knows?
JETT	Well, so long. See ya' bro.
JETT and EPHINY get into a chariot with "He got his now she'll get hers" written on the side. They ride away and all except GABBY and JOX run after the chariot. GABBY and JOX are left standing in the front of the wedding hut with an odd FAMILY of three women, who run the church.
GABBY	Oh Jox, wasn't it awful? Didn't Ephiny look thoroughly disgusted? I can't believe it. A day ago she was a strong amazon queen, and now, now she's the wife of an assassin.
GABBY and JOX begin to walk into a grave yard with a banner reading "Poteidaia: The Home of Happiness" hanging over the tombstones.
JOX	Yes Gabby, Jett's one lucky guy.
GABBY	Yes.
JOX	Everyone knows that Ephiny's a wonderful little fighter.
GABBY	Yes.
JOX	Why, she'll have another tribe up and going in a year or two.
GABBY	Yes.
"DAMN ME, GABBY"
Spoken
JOX	Hey Gabby.
GABBY	Yes Jox.
JOX	I've got something to say.
GABBY	Uh huh.
JOX	I really loved the skillful way You beat the other girls While catching the bouquet.
GABBY	Oh, Jox.
Sung
JOX	When the river was deep, you grabbed me
FAMILY	Gabby.
JOX	It took only that to land me.
FAMILY	Gabby.
JOX	I looked in your eyes and you had me.
FAMILY	Gabby.
JOX	I've one thing to say and that's Damn me, Gabby. I love you. When the day was hot, you fanned me.
FAMILY	Gabby.
JOX	I'd drink the water you'd hand me.
FAMILY	Gabby.
JOX	You only threw the cup twice at me.
FAMILY	Gabby.
JOX	Drawing a heart on the wedding hut door I've one thing to say and that's Damn me, Gabby. I love you. Takes a wedding ring box out of his pocket Here's the ring to prove that I'm no joker. There's three ways true love can go. That's good, fatal, or mediocre. Oh G-A-B-B-Y, I love you so.
GABBY grabs the ring and runs into the wedding hut where the FAMILY is preparing for a funeral.
GABBY	looking at the ring Oh, I knew the minute you took out the box.
FAMILY	Oh, Jox.
GABBY	That I could withstand the smell of your socks.
FAMILY	Oh, Jox.
GABBY	And live with your hair in its nasty locks.
FAMILY	Oh, Jox.
GABBY	I've one thing to say and that's Jox, you're no fox But I love you too.
JOX and GABBY hold hands and walk down the aisle.
	Oh, Jox.
JOX	Oh, damn me.
GABBY	You're no fox.
JOX	Oh, Gabby.
GABBY	But I love you.
JOX	I love you too-oo-oo.
BOTH	There's one thing left to do-ah-oo.
JOX	And that's go see the man who can land me -
FAMILY	Gabby.
JOX	On a good and happy path for both you and me.
FAMILY	Gabby.
JOX	So we can start our own happy family
FAMILY	Gabby.
JOX	I've got one thing to say and that's Damn me, Gabby. I love you.
JOX and GABBY hug and begin to waltz.
	Damn me, Gabby.
GABBY	Oh Jox, you're no fox.
JOX	Damn me, Gabby.
BOTH	I love you.
JOX and GABBY kneel and kiss.
The scene changes to the Kingdom of Chin. LAO MA is studying pictures of the wedding and the guests. She turns in her chair to speak to us.
LAO MA	I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey.
LAO MA stands and goes to her bookshelf and retrieves one of her many books. This book's cover reads "The Poteidaia Affair." She flips through it show pictures of the wedding scene we have just seen.
	It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Joxer and his fiancee Gabrielle (two ordinary, healthy kids) left Poteidaia that late autumn evening to visit Hercules: ex-hero and now supposed friend of both of them. It's true there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black and pendulous toward which they were riding. It's true also that the carriage they were in was badly in need of a new front left wheel. But they being normal kids and on a night out, well they were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening. On a night out. It was a night out they were going to remember for a very long time.
Lightning strikes and thunder claps as the scene changes to the forest at night time. It is raining and the carriage they are riding in is moving at a steady pace toward their destination. GABBY is reading one of her scrolls. JOX is sitting and twiddling his thumbs.
A horse and horseman (clad in black) ride past their carriage going the opposite way.
GABBY	Gosh. That's the third horseman that's passed us. They certainly do take their lives in their own hands what with the weather and all.
JOX	Yes, Gabby life's pretty cheap to that type.
The carriage slows to a stop.
GABBY	What's the matter Jox, darling?
JOX sticks his head out the window. He sees a sign that says, "BRIDGE OUT."
JOX	We must have taken a wrong turn a few miles back.
GABBY	Oh. Then where did all those horsemen come from?
JOX	Hm. Well, I guess we'll just have to turn around and head back.
JOX gives the driver a signal to around. The carriage begins to turn around. Just as they get turned around the front left wheel brakes! JOX and GABBY fall on each other to one side of the carriage.
GABBY	To JOX Ah! Get off me! Uh, I mean what was that?!
JOX	The wheel must have broken. Damn it! I knew we should have brought along an extra. Well you just stay here and keep warm and I'll go for help.
GABBY	Where will you go? We're in the middle of nowhere.
JOX	Didn't we pass a castle a few miles back? Maybe they have an extra wheel I could use.
JOX begins to get out.
GABBY	I'm coming with you
JOX	Oh no darling. There's no sense in both of us getting wet.
GABBY	I'm coming with you. Besides, darling, the owner of the wheel might be a beautiful goddess and you may never come back again.
JOX laughs as they both get out of the carriage. JOX gives the driver instructions to stay with the carriage until they get back. The driver gets in the broken carriage to avoid the rain. GABBY puts the scroll over her head and JOX kicks the broken wheel once as they begin to walk away. As they walk the come upon the front gate of the castle which bears a sign reading "ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK." They enter anyway, and walk toward the castle.
"OVER AT THE WARRIOR PLACE"
GABBY	In the velvet darkness Of a Grecian night, Fiery bright There's a burning flame. It calls us all just the same.
BOTH	There's a light.
VOICES	Over at the Warrior place.
BOTH	There's a light.
VOICES	Burning in the fireplace.
BOTH	There's a light, a light In the dungeon of everybody's life.
A figure in the one of the towers begins to sing out to us.
CALL-ISTO	The darkness must go down The river of nights dreaming. Flow Morpheus slow Let the fire and blood go streaming Out of my life. Lightning strikes. Out of my life.
BOTH	There's a light.
VOICES	Over at the Warrior place.
BOTH	There's a light.
VOICES	Burning in the fireplace. There's a light, a light.
BOTH	In the dungeon of everybody's life.
The scene changes back to LAO MA's study in the Kingdom of Chin where she is still flipping through "The Poteidaia Affair."
LAO MA	And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Jox and Gabby and that they had found the assistance that their carriage required - or had they?
Thunder claps as the scene changes to the front door of the castle where JOX and GABBY stand shivering.
GABBY	Oh, Jox. Let's go back. I'm cold and I'm frightened.
JOX	Just a moment Gabby, they may have a spare wheel.
The door slowly opens and we see a figure standing there. It is a skinny, blonde woman with a hunch back wearing a beat up butlers' uniform (no shirt, just vest). Her face is gaunt and sickly looking.
CALL-ISTO	Hello.
A little frightened, they speak to the woman.
JOX	offering his hand Hi. My name is Joxer puts his hand away as it is not being shaken and this is my fiancee Gabrielle. I wondered if you might help us. You see, our carriage broke down about a few miles up the road. Do you have a spare wheel we could use?
CALL-ISTO	Looking at them You're wet.
GABBY	Yes. It's raining.
JOX	Yes.
CALL-ISTO	A little annoyed Yes.
Lightning illuminates where all the horses have been tied down. The horses yinny.
CALL-ISTO	I think perhaps you'd better both come inside.
GABBY	Smiling You're too kind.
JOX and GABBY are ushered into a large room with a staircase to the right and an elevator to the front of them. They can hear music playing from another room.
GABBY	Oh, Jox I'm frightened! What kind of a place is this?
JOX	It's probably some sort of hunting lodge weirdo kings and queens.
CALL-ISTO slams the door and JOX and GABBY jump.
CALL-ISTO	leading them This way.
GABBY	following Are you having a festival?
CALL-ISTO	mustering up a smile You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the Mistress' affairs.
GABBY	Oh. Lucky her.
A woman wearing a revealing maid's uniform suddenly emerges from the shadows on the banister. She is a tall woman with a lot of eye makeup and long dark hair.
ALTIENTA	in a scratchy voice You're lucky. She's lucky. I'm lucky. We're all lucky! Ha-ha-ha.
ALTIENTA slides down the banister and throws her feather duster to CALL-ISTO.
"THE PLOT TWIST"
CALL-ISTO	It's anachronistic. Time's pathetic. Plot lines take their toll. But watch very closely.
ALTIENTA	Not for very much longer.
CALL-ISTO	I've got to take control. I remember doing the Plot Twist. Drinking those moments when. The time line would hit me.
CALL-ISTO and ALTIENTA	And the void would be calling.
JOX and GABBY are pushed through two doors where they see a party going on.
TOWN'S PEOPLE	dancing Let's do the Plot Twist again. Let's do the Plot Twist again.
LAO MA	from her room in Chin holding a map It's just a jump to Ancient Greece.
TOWN'S PEOPLE	And then a step into Ancient Ro-o-ome.
LAO MA	Dip your hands into India.
TOWN'S PEOPLE	And then you jump back home. But it's the Asian thrust That really drives you insane. Let's do the Plot Twist again.
JOX faints into GABBY's arms.
	Let's do the Plot Twist again.
ALTIENTA	It's so dreamy. Oh Action Pack free me! So you I can't see you No not at all. Sitting at your table set Watching on your TV set Well sedated, you see all.
CALL-ISTO	With a bit of a mind flip
ALTIENTA	You're into the time shift
CALL-ISTO	And nothing will make sense again.
ALTIENTA	You're spaced out on sensation
CALL-ISTO	Cause there's no contemplation!
JOX faints again.
TOWN'S PEOPLE	Let's do the Plot Twist again. Let's do the Plot Twist again.
We now see M'LILIA sitting on a 1950's style jukebox dressed in a sparkly outfit.
M'LILIA	Well I was stowing on a boat Just a-sittin' still When this Warrior gal Gave me an eerie thrill. I busted out of the crate And started kickin' ass. Then she took me below For a pressure point class. I taught her the pinch And she felt a change. My life meant nothin' Never would again.
TOWN'S PEOPLE	dancing Let's do the Plot Twist again. Let's do the Plot Twist again.
M'LILIA squeals as she starts tap dancing while everyone watches. She dances until she falls down on the steps of the stage. Now everyone dances.
TOWN'S PEOPLE	dancing Let's do the Plot Twist again. Let's do the Plot Twist again.
LAO MA	on top of her desk It's just a jump to Ancient Greece.
TOWN'S PEOPLE	And then a step into Ancient Ro-o-o-ome.
LAO MA	Dip your hands into India.
TOWN'S PEOPLE	And then you jump back home. But it's the Asian thrust That really drives you insane. Let's do the Plot Twist again. Let's do the Plot Twist again.
As the music dies down, they all fall to the floor from exhaustion from dancing so much.
GABBY	while nudging JOX Say something.
JOX	Say, do any of you guys know the queen's waltz?
GABBY smacks JOX upside the head. The TOWN'S PEOPLE ignore JOX as they are watching the elevator slowly move down.
GABBY	backing out of the room Jox, please let's get out of here.
JOX	following her For gods' sakes keep a grip on yourself, Gabby.
GABBY	But, it seems rather dangerous here.
JOX	It's just a party, Gabby.
GABBY	very determined Well, I want to go!
JOX	Well, we can't go anywhere until I get another wheel.
GABBY	Well, then ask that blonde lady, or someone.
JOX	Just a moment, Gabby. We don't want to interfere with their celebration.
GABBY	This isn't The Junior Amazons of Greece, Jox.
JOX	They're probably foreigners, with ways different than our own. They may do some more "travel" dancing.
GABBY	Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain sick of this episode!
JOX	I'm here.
GABBY	That's what I'm worried about.
The elevator stops at the bottom with a jerk. Both JOX and GABBY, turn around and see XENA decked out in a velvet cape wearing white face makeup and heavy eye shadow. GABBY screams and faints.
"SWEET WARRIOR PRINCESS"
XENA	How do you do. I see you've met my psycho blonde girl. She's just a little upset - Because when we met I destroyed her entire world. Walking toward the stage Don't get hung up on the way I dress. Don't judge a girl by her leathers. I may not seem like one By the light of day But be sure I'm one hell of a fighter.
XENA (now on the stage) throws off her cloak to reveal a leather corset with armor and a leather g-string, with a garter belt (complete with chakram attachment), fishnets, and long high-heeled boots.
	I'm just a sweet Warrior Princess From Amphipolis, back in Ancient Greece. To JOX and GABBY Let me throw you around Maybe beat you both down You look like you'd both be pretty easy. Or if you want something edible That makes you quite mental I can make something pretty queasy.
JOX	spoken We're not here for a meal. We just need a spare wheel. We're both in a bit of a hurry.
GABBY	spoken Right!
JOX	spoken We'll just take the spare Then get out of your hair. We don't want to be any worry.
XENA	So your carriage broke down Well, babies, don't you frown. There's no reason to panic. By the light of the night It'll all be all right I'll get you a Trojanic mechanic.
M'LILIA joins her, dancing
	I'm just a sweet Warrior Princess From Amphipolis, back in Ancient Greece.
XENA sits down on her thrown on stage and is joined by CALL-ISTO, ALTIENA and M'LILIA who stand around her.
	Why don't you, stay for the night, Or maybe a fight. I could show you my favorite, New weapon. I've been training a man, With blonde hair and a tan And he's good helping me with my Homicidal intentions. I'm just a sweet Warrior Princess From Amphipolis, back in Ancient Greece. Kick it! Kick it! I'm just a sweet Warrior Princess
TOWN'S PEOPLE	Sweet Warrior Princess.
XENA	From Amphipolis,
XENA and TOWN'S PEOPLE	Back in Ancient Greece.
XENA	So, come on up stairs And see what's in the lair I know you may just be on va . . . . . . cation. But maybe your wheel Isn't really the deal. So I will take control Looking at GABBY Of your situation.
JOX looks at GABBY and scratches his head. The guests all head upstairs while ALTIENTA and CALL-ISTO begin to undress JOX and GABBY.
GABBY	with shock Oh! Oh, no! slapping him Jox!
JOX	It's all right Gabby. We'll play along now, and pull out the weapons when the time's right.
ALTIENTA proceeds with taking of JOX's clothes down to his boxers with hearts on them. CALL-ISTO just stares at GABBY with a confused look on her face, not knowing what to take off.
GABBY	to CALL-ISTO Could I be wearing any less?
CALL-ISTO	Actually, yes!
CALL-ISTO takes out the Season Five leather outfit (basically a red leather bra and a short pair of red/orange coulots, and a pair of red boots with sais in them)
CALL-ISTO	Why don't you try this "crowd pleaser" on?
GABBY	What are you gonna cut all of my hair off too?
ALTIENTA	smiling All right.
ALTIENTA takes out a knife and cut all of her hair off, into the short style.
CALL-ISTO	grabbing GABBY's staff I'll take that!
GABBY	Uh!
Once GABBY has changed, ALTIENTA, CALL-ISTO, JOX, GABBY and M'LILIA proceed to pile into the elevator. The elevator is switched on and they begin to go up.
GABBY	to CALL-ISTO Is she, Xena I mean, is she your girlfriend?
M'LILIA giggles.
CALL-ISTO	The mistress and I could never be lovers. We have a shady history.
GABBY	Oh. Good.
They all stare at GABBY.
	What?
The elevator comes to a stop in a purple laboratory. CALL-ISTO opens the door and GABBY steps out followed by JOX. A ramp goes up from either side of the room and on the top platform all of the TOWN'S PEOPLE. On the wall is a monitor, with a bunch of levers and switches around it. Next to that is a huge freezer. ALIENTA stands behind GABBY and M'LILIA stands behind JOX while CALL-ISTO goes to prepare things. XENA stands in front of them wearing a green lab coat and holding leather gloves. Behind her is something covered with a purple sheet.
XENA	Altienta.
ALTIENTA steps out.
	M'lilia.
M'LILIA steps out.
	Go and assist Call-Isto. I will entertain . . . um . . . she chuckles and reaches out for JOX's hand
JOX	shaking her hand Joxer, and this is my fiancée Grab-my-ball.
GABBY	hitting him Gabrielle!
JOX	Gabrielle.
XENA	kissing GABBY's hand Glede ma glede.
GABBY giggles.
	Well. How nice. And what charming under . . . and outer-clothes you both have -
TOWN'S PEOPLE giggle.
	But here she hands them two bearskin robes put these on. They'll make you feel more, um, normal. It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them rare goods.
JOX	Rare goods? All we wanted to do was use a spare wheel, gods dammit. A reasonable request, which you've chosen to ignore.
GABBY	Oh, Jox, don't be ungrateful.
JOX	Ungrateful?!
XENA	How forceful you are Jox. Such a perfect specimen of ape-hood, uh, manhood. So dominant.
TOWN'S PEOPLE grin and stare at JOX.
	You must be awfully proud of him, Gabby.
GABBY	Well, to tell you the truth not . . .
XENA	laughing Do you have any battle scars, Jox?
JOX	Certainly not, uh I mean, yeah hundreds!
XENA	Oh, well. to GABBY How 'bout you?
GABBY giggles.
CALL-ISTO	interrupting Everything is in readiness, Mistress. We merely await your words.
XENA walks a small stage with curtains closed in the background. She is joined by ALTIENTA and MILILIA now wearing aprons and surgical masks. She addresses all of her guests.
XENA	Tonight, my town-less, town's people . . .
TOWN'S PEOPLE chuckle amongst themselves.
	you are to witness a breakthrough in genetic engineering research. And perfection is to be mine!
All except JOX and GABBY applaud.
	It was strange the way it happened. Then suddenly, you get a break.
XENA snaps her gloves.
	All the weapons seem to fit into place. What a sucker you've been. looking at JOX What a fool. The answer was there all the time. It took a small accident to make it happen. An accident!
ALTIENTA and M'LILIA	softly An accident.
XENA	And that's when I discovered the secret. That elusive ingredient, that spark that is the breath, of the fight. Yes, I have that knowledge. I hold the secret - to the fight - itself!
TOWN'S PEOPLE and GABBY applaud.
	You see, Jox and Gabby, you are fortunate. For tonight is the night -
XENA snaps her leather gloves as she puts them on.
	that my wonderful fighter is destined to be born!
Everyone applauds as the sheet is lifted to reveal a tank full of water with a figure inside wrapped up in bandages from head to toe, and floating in the middle of the tank. XENA stands behind the tank with ALTIENTA and M'LILIA. CALL-ISTO stands by the switches on the wall.
	to CALL-ISTO Throw open the switches on the sonic ocelator.
CALL-ISTO takes out a sword and cuts the switches open with a yell.
	Not exactly what I meant, but . . . Now step up the reactor testosterone input ten more points!
CALL-ISTO	Ten?! All right.
CALL-ISTO does as XENA told her.
All of the guests watch in astonishment as CALL-ISTO lowers a chandelier toward the tank. When it stops, just above XENA she begins to turn the knobs that hang from the chandelier. As she turns them, different types of animal blood come out and filter into the tank. When all the blood is in, CALL-ISTO pushes a button, that evaporates the blood drenched water. The figure within the tank raises his arms and eventually stands up. JOX and GABBY are amazed. All of the TOWN'S PEOPLE applaud. CALL-ISTO removes the gauze mask from the figure's face.
XENA	Oh, Iolaus!
IOLAUS stands and ALTIENTA and CALL-ISTO take off the rest of the bandages. Now clad only in a gold loin-cloth, IOLAUS grunts and runs around the room. He runs up to the top platform where he starts beating up all of the TOWN'S PEOPLE! XENA chases after him until he returns to his tank and sits on the edge.
	Oh really! Now that's no way to behave on your first day out of ancient times!
IOLAUS pouts on the side of the tank. XENA looks around and sees all of the TOWN'S PEOPLE lying on the floor in agony.
	reconsidering But, seeing as you're such an exceptional fighter, I'm prepared to forgive you.
CALL-ISTO and ALTIENTA stand behind the tank with XENA. M'LILIA leans on the side of the tank.
	Oh, I just love success!
CALL-ISTO	He's a credit to your genius, Mistress.
ALTIENTA	A triumph of your skills.
XENA	Yes!
M'LILIA	Eh, I could kick his ass.
XENA	angry Kick his ass? KICK HIS ASS?! I doubt you could do better than he! to IOLAUS C'mon.
IOLAUS takes XENA's hand and she takes him over to JOX and GABBY.
	with pride Now, Jox and Gabby, what do you think of him?
GABBY	Well, I don't like men . . .
JOX looks at GABBY with a questioning look.
	Er . . . um . . . with blonde hair.
XENA	Well, at any rate, he carries Atlas' seal of approval.
TOWN'S PEOPLE applaud as XENA takes IOLAUS to a stand covered in a purple sheet. She removes the sheet to reveal a stand full of weapons.
"TRAVELING COMPANION SONG"
XENA	A villager Plowing his fields all day, Will get sand in his face When warriors kick him away. And soon on the plains Where he harvests his grains The sweat on his brow As he digs in the grou-ou-ound. Will make him sweat hands him a sword And shine. And with sunlight And just a little bit of Ti-hi-hi-hi-hime (laughs) He'll be blonde, And quite fine! He'll be a strong man. Oh honey -
ALL (except JOX and GABBY)	But the wrong man.
XENA	bringing out a horse He'll eat nutritious high carbo And cook both our eggs.
IOLAUS mounts the horse.
	Try to build up his shoulders, His chest arms and legs. Such a struggle, If he only knew of my niche. In just three seasons,
ALL (except JOX and GABBY)	I can make you a side ki-hi-hi-hick.
IOLAUS jumps off of the horse and begins play fighting with a sword.
XENA	He'll do front kicks, and back kicks, Do the dagger, sword and staff. He thinks fighting a Harpe, jumps on the horse Must be a hard task. Such strenuous living You would think he'd get sick.
XENA goes to IOLAUS.
	When in just three seasons - Oh baby . . . I can make you swinging IOLAUS toward the freezer A side ki-hi-hi-hick.
The freezer begins to open.
	What? Who?
XENA and IOLAUS get out of the way as the draw-bridge type door slams to the ground. ARES gallops through a wall of ice on a tall black horse.
CALL-ISTO	Ares!
"WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO HAVING A FIGHT"
ARES	What ever happened to having a fight When your sword was sharp And you felt all right It don't seem the same since "good" and "right" looks at XENA Came into her life She thought I was divine.
CALL-ISTO watches excitedly.
	She didn't want to be with me no more I thought that she would always be my evil whore. Looks at CALL-ISTO But then I found a blonde Who hated her more! She sided with me We really had a good time.
CALL-ISTO jumps on ARES and they begin to romp around on the floor.
	Took your bodies Changed your souls I really loved that Call-Isto.
ARES and TOWN'S PEOPLE	Took your bodies Changed your souls I really loved that Call-Isto.
TOWN'S PEOPLE begin to dance around. XENA watches in disgust. JOX and GABBY watch in amazement of the spectacle before them.
ARES	My head used to swim From the leather I smelled. My hands kinda fumbled with her Black chakram hilt. I'd taste the sweat upon her neck And that's when I'd melt. She rubbed me up and down Tonight Xena was mine.
CALL-ISTO throws her arms around ARES and smiles.
	But it wasn't Xena; it was Call-Isto But a body's a body No matter the soul. With my arms around that girl I would keep control. It felt pretty good, whoo! Really had a good ti-ime.
Everyone (excluding JOX and GABBY) dance around with each other.
	Took your bodies Changed your souls. I really loved that Call-Isto.
ALL (except JOX and GABBY)	Took your bodies Changed your souls. I really loved that Call-Isto.
The chorus is repeated as ARES and CALL-ISTO dance around. ARES then jumps on his horse and gallops around the lab. XENA proceeds to shove IOLAUS into the elevator and grabs the Hind's blood dagger from the freezer. M'LILIA and ALTIENTA stand by the freezer waiting for what is to come.
	Took your bodies Changed your souls. I really loved that Call-Isto.
ARES dismounts and puts CALL-ISTO on the horse. XENA sneaks up on ARES. ARES, seeing the dagger, screams and runs into the freezer where XENA proceeds to stab him repeatedly until he dies. CALL-ISTO screams in horror. The TOWN'S PEOPLE and JOX and GABBY watch frightened. XENA exits the freezer and drops the dagger.
XENA	addressing her guests One from Mt. Olympus.
The TOWN'S PEOPLE laugh nervously.
	looking at her gloves Gods damn it! I just had these dry-cleaned!
ALTIENTA takes off XENA's blood soaked leather gloves. IOLAUS pounds on the elevator bars, wanting to get out. XENA opens the door and stands in there with him.
	to IOLAUS Oh don't be upset. It was a godly killing! He had a few minimal powers, but too many clothes.
IOLAUS flexes his bicep at XENA.
	But a mortal Who will learn to fight And will love me Both day and night Makes me - ALALALALA!- Flip Makes me wanna skip Down the road 'til I'm Si-i-ick.
XENA and TOWN'S PEOPLE	In just three seasons I can make you a side ki-hi-hi-hick.
XENA	I don't want a big softie Or one who'll try to looks at CALL-ISTO Off me.
GABBY	breaking in That's what makes me ti-ick!
Everyone looks at GABBY with surprise and disgust. GABBY looks ashamed.
XENA and TOWN'S PEOPLE	In just three seasons Oh, baby, I can make you a side ki-hi-hi-hick.
XENA	Give you a big fighting sti-ick.
XENA and TOWN'S PEOPLE	In just three seasons I can make you a side kick.
Curtains part revealing a room that looks like a forest at night with a fire in the middle and one big bear skin blanket. XENA leads IOLAUS into the "bridal chamber" as guests throw confetti. The curtain closes and XENA jumps on IOLAUS.
LAO MA	in Chin There are those who say that fighting is an illusion and that brutality is simply a figment of the imagination. If this is so, then Jox and Gabby are quite safe. However, the sudden departure of their hostess, and her "weapon" (to the seclusion by her somber camp fire) had left them feeling both scared and . . . scared. A feeling which grew as the other villagers departed, and they were shown to their separate rooms.
M'LILIA throws JOX into his room, illuminated with a blue light. CALL-ISTO and ALTIENTA watch as JOX stumbles around his room and onto his covered bed. M'LILIA then throws GABBY into her room complete with hot tub.
GABBY	looking at the hot tub Eh, might as well.
GABBY begins to undress. Meanwhile, someone knocks on JOX's door.
JOX	Who is it? Who's there?
GABBY	It's only me, Jox.
JOX	Oh, Gabby, come in! Please!
GABBY runs in and climbs on top of JOX.
JOX	Oh yes! OH GABBY! Oh, but what if . . .
GABBY	It's all right, Jox. Everything is going to be all right.
JOX	Okay by me!
JOX begins to run his hands through GABBY's hair. To his surprise her hair comes off and he then notices that GABBY is really XENA!
JOX	YOU!
XENA	I'm afraid so Jox, but isn't it nice?
JOX	Well, yeah. Actually it is!
XENA	Umm . . .
JOX	beginning to buck a little C'mon Xena. Hurt me!
XENA gets up and takes out some rope.
XENA	tying JOX up Oh, I'll hurt you.
XENA continues to tie JOX's wrists and ankles to the bedposts. Once she is done, she stands over him.
JOX	Now what are you going to do?
XENA leans in close to him.
XENA	whispering Nothing!
XENA chuckles and walks out.
JOX	Um, Xena? Where are you going? Okay, I get it. Ha ha. Now come back! Xena . . . Xena?
Meanwhile, back in the lab, ALTIENTA and CALL-ISTO are cleaning up. CALL-ISTO enters XENA's "lair" where IOLAUS is sleeping comfortably, though chained to a rock. CALL-ISTO picks up XENA's sword and slowly creeps up on IOLAUS.
CALL-ISTO	holding the sword over IOLAUS RRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHRRRRRRR!
IOLAUS wakes up and begins to fight with CALL-ISTO. They exchange hits and CALL-ISTO cuts him up a little. IOLAUS breaks free from his chain and runs away, shimmying down the elevator shaft. CALL-ISTO and ALTIENTA celebrate their "victory" with some elbow sex and a neck kiss.
Someone enters GABBY's room.
JOX	jumping into the hot tub Oh, Gabby, darling, there's no good here. She'll destroy us!
GABBY	Don't worry, Jox, we'll be away from here in the morning.
JOX	hugging GABBY Oh, Gabby, you're so butch and protective.
GABBY caresses JOX's head, but to her surprise, his hair comes off and she realizes JOX is really XENA!
GABBY	You?
XENA	I'm afraid so, Gabby, but . . .
GABBY	Thank the gods it's you! I almost thought that Jox was gonna try something.
XENA	But I thought you and Jox were . . .
GABBY	Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen could you get this spot on my back? I can't quite reach it.
XENA	beginning to scrub her back I was right. You two were pretty easy.
GABBY	Two?
XENA	Never mind.
GABBY	Ooh. That feels good.
XENA	scrubbing lower Yes, it isn't all bad is it?
GABBY	Not even half bad. I really find it quite pleasurable. But what about Jox?
XENA	Jox is probably asleep by now. Do you really want him to see you like this?
GABBY	Maybe that could get him off my back for a little.
XENA	If you hate Jox so much, then why did you agree to marry him.
GABBY	Well, I do love him . . . wait, no I don't . . . wait . . . confused I have to go!
GABBY jumps out of the tub, and runs out of the room putting her clothes on.
XENA	Me and my big mouth.
CALL-ISTO pops up on GABBY's television monitor.
CALL-ISTO	Mistress, Iolaus has broken his chains and vanished. The new weapon is loose and somewhere in the castle grounds. Altienta has just released the army.
XENA	upset Coming!
Outside, IOLAUS is being chased by four warriors. Meanwhile GABBY is wondering through the castle.
GABBY	What's happening here? Where's Jox? Where's anybody?
IOLAUS makes his way back to the castle.
	Oh, Jox. I can't believe I did this. I love you. But I'm sure I like Xena too. Oh, I'm not sure of anything anymore.
GABBY gets into the elevator and goes up to the laboratory.
	stepping out of the elevator Oh, if only we hadn't made this journey. If only the carriage hadn't broken a wheel. Oh, if only we were amongst friends, or people who didn't turn me on so much. Oh, Jox. What have they done with him?
GABBY goes to the monitor. She turns it on and sees XENA untying JOX from his bed.
	Oh, Jox. Oh, XENA! How could you?
GABBY sobs by the monitor. She hears crying from within the tank. She walks over and pulls a sheet off of IOLAUS who stands up from within the tank. He is battered and bruised from the fight with CALL-ISTO and the army.
	Oh, but you're hurt. Did they do this to you?
IOLAUS nods.
	ripping her skort for bandages Here, I'll dress your wounds. Baby there, oh.
IOLAUS puts his hand on GABBY's and smiles at her. She looks around, then smiles.
LAO MA	in Chin Bisexuality: Dichotomy of the genitals. Vehement or excited sexual state. It is also a powerful, yet rational, master. And from what Altienta and M'Lilia viewed on their television monitor, there seemed little doubt, that Gabby was, indeed, its slave.
ALTIENTA and M'LILIA	Tell us about it, Gabby!
"I NEED I NEED A REAL MAN"
GABBY	When I first saw her, I was sure I'd only want women from this point on.
M'LILIA	You mean she's a . . .
ALTIENTA	Uh-huh.
GABBY	I thought there's no use needing Any heavy breeding It only leads to diapers And breast feeding. To IOLAUS Now all I want to see Is you and me, Down in this tank having some fun.
ALTIENTA and M'LILIA	Fun, fun, fun.
GABBY	And as we fool around I'm sure that we won't frown I've got an urge tonight. Why don't we go down? I need, I need, I need a real man Not just a skinny dork of a man. So treat me like a barbarian, Creature of the fight. Then after we are done Having fun We'll take it slow and then go fast.
ALTIENTA and M'LILIA	Fast, fast, fast.
GABBY	I want to feel me near you And take you where I want to I want to hold you tight. I want to have you.
IOLAUS begins to fondle GABBY.
	I need, I need, I need a real man Not just a butch woman. So treat me like a barbarian. Creature of the fight.
M'LILIA	I need, I need, I need a real man
ALTIENTA	Not just a butch woman.
M'LILIA	So treat me like a barbarian,
ALTIENTA	Creature of the fight.
IOLAUS and GABBY really start going at it in the tank.
GABBY	I need, I need, I need a real man Not skinny dorks or butch women. So treat me like a barbarian, Creature of the fight.
GABBY begins to picture everyone in the tank with her, one by one.
IOLAUS	Creature of the fight.
JOX	Creature of the fight?
XENA	Creature of the fight.
ALTIENTA	Creature of the fight.
CALL-ISTO	Creature of the fight.
M'LILIA	Creature of the fight.
IOLAUS	Creature of the fight.
GABBY	Creature of the fight! Oh!
GABBY draws the sheet over herself and IOLAUS. Meanwhile, XENA, CALL-ISTO and JOX are going up the elevator. XENA is beating CALL-ISTO with her whip as they go up. JOX watches, astounded.
CALL-ISTO	running out of the elevator MERCY!
XENA whips CALL-ISTO once.
XENA	How did it happen? I understood you were to be watching!
XENA whips CALL-ISTO again.
CALL-ISTO	I was only away for minute, Mistress.
XENA	Well, see if you can find him . . . On the whips CALL-ISTO a third time MONITOR!
XENA whips CALL-ISTO again. Meanwhile, the elevator has gone down and is now back. MINYA steps out of the elevator.
MINYA	taking the whip from XENA How do you keep getting this? Either give me back my frying pan, or leave me and my whip alone!
MINYA leaves and everyone looks at each other in confusion. After a little while, CALL-ISTO walks over to the monitor and sees something at the front door.
CALL-ISTO	Mistress. Mistress! We have a visitor.
XENA, CALL-ISTO, and JOX all stare at a figure in a wheel-chair on the monitor.
JOX	Hey, Herc! They look at him strangely That's Hercules!
CALL-ISTO	You know this warrior . . . XENA draws her sword . . . this person?
JOX	I certainly do. Obviously lying Actually, we used to be old traveling buddies. Ya know, righting wrongs, helping for the greater good.
XENA	I see. So this wasn't simply, a chance meeting. You came here, with a purpose.
JOX	I told you, my carriage broke down! I was telling the truth.
XENA	pushing JOX away with her sword I know very well what you told me, Jox. But this "Hercules." He is not unknown to me.
JOX	He was a traveling hero, until his legs gave out.
XENA	And now he's after revenge, because I got better ratings than he did and I spin off of his show! XENA knocks him down Isn't that right, Jox?
JOX	He might be. XENA raises her sword I don't know!
CALL-ISTO	The cripple has entered the building, Mistress. She grabs a lever that says "Boiling Oil Shall I? . . .
XENA	No, no. Let's see. He'll probably be in . . . the Yoga Room.
Meanwhile, HERCULES is in the Yoga Room, where he is surrounded by many blue statues in odd positions. Though he feels at peace, he quickly exits the room.
XENA	walking to the wall That's it. He's getting up here right now.
Xena reaches for the "Triple Contact Grappling Hook" lever and pulls it. Three grappling hooks go flying through the wall, down the stairs and attach to HERCULES' wheel chair. They pull him up the stairs, around ALTIENTA and M'LILIA, through the laboratory wall and right next to XENA who puts her foot on his chair.
HERCULES	Xen-a-Furter! We meet again!
JOX jumps toward HERCULES.
JOX	holding out his hand Herc, old buddy. Uh, how's it goin'?
HERCULES	Who are you?
XENA	Don't play games, Hercules. You know perfectly well, who Joxer is. It was part of your attack, was it not? That he and his, annoying blonde, should check the episode for you. Well, unfortunately for you all, the attack is to be changed. I hope you're adaptable, Hercules. I know Jox is!
XENA giggles.
HERCULES	I assure you, Joxter's . . .
JOX	Joxer's . . .
HERCULES	. . . Joxer's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. I came here to find Ares.
JOX	Ares, I've seen him. He's . . .
XENA holds her sword against JOX's throat.
XENA	Ares?! What do you know of Ares, Hercules?
HERCULES	I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. You see Ares happens to be, my brother!
XENA releases the grappling hooks, and HERCULES' chair rolls back. They all hear a sound from within the tank. XENA walks over and pulls a sheet out of the tank revealing IOLAUS and GABBY. They stand up covering their naked bodies with the sheet.
HERCULES	Gabby!
GABBY	Hercules!
JOX	Gabby!
GABBY	Jox!
XENA	Iolaus!
HERCULES	Sunny Day?
GABBY	Kevin?
JOX	Bruna?
GABBY	Jace?
XENA	Fool?
HERCULES	Deianera?
GABBY	Sovereign?
JOX	Dr. Covington?
GABBY	Jett?
XENA	Twankie?
They all look around, to see if anyone else is in the room.
XENA	to Iolaus Listen! I made you! And I can break you just as easily!
Suddenly ALTIENTA'S SPIRIT spins through the hole in the wall. Everyone looks at her in shock.
ALTIENTA'S SPIRIT	Mistress, dinner is prepared.
XENA	a little confused Oooooooookay. We'll be right there.
ALTIENTA'S SPIRIT returns to her body.
XENA	Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional.
GABBY	Like I have any formal dress!
LAO MA looks over her book in Chin.
LAO MA	Food has always played a vital role in life's great rituals. The breaking of bread, the last meal of the condemned man. And now, this meal. However informal it may seem, you could be sure there was to be little, 'bonhomie.'
At the dinner table, JOX is sitting next to GABBY, M'LILIA next to IOLAUS and XENA and HERCULES at the two heads. CALL-ISTO and ALTIENTA enter the dining room bringing the meal to XENA. CALL-ISTO drops down a side of meat in front of XENA. As she picks up her chakram and starts cutting, CALL-ISTO and ALTIENTA go around the table pouring wine in everyone's chalice. IOLAUS picks up his chalice to toast GABBY, but XENA throws her chakram breaking it before he can speak. After the cutting and pouring is done, XENA raises her chalice.
XENA	A toast!
The rest raise their glasses.
	To old flames.
ALL	To old flames.
MILTON BERLE (wearing drag) walks in.
MILTON BERLE	Oh. Did I miss the party?
CALL-ISTO barks at him and he quickly leaves the room. XENA waves at CALL-ISTO and ALTIENTA and they pass around the slices of meat. Once everyone has a piece they begin eating.
HERCULES	We came here to discuss Ares.
CALL-ISTO	Ares?!
XENA holds her chakram to CALL-ISTO's throat.
XENA	That's a rather tough subject! Another slice anyone?
Everyone backs away from the table except XENA who still eats happily.
CALL-ISTO	throws XENA's arm down Get away from me!
CALL-ISTO walks out and when she slams the doors thunder claps. XENA looks up from her meal, puzzled.
HERCULES	to IOLAUS I knew he was in with a bad crowd but it was worse than I imagined . . . medieval lesbian warriors!
GABBY	Hey!
XENA	Go on Hercules.
"ARES' PRINCESS"
HERCULES	From the day he was formed He was a bad-ass. He was deformed In his loyal side. He tried in vain,
LAO MA	But he never caused them nothing but pain!
HERCULES	He may be the cause if they died. When he wanted some fun He would torment Those of whom he was fond Then destroy their lives. He wasn't that bright.
LAO MA	He would hurt and maim and fight.
HERCULES	He'd try to turn them to their evil side.
ALL	When Ares took A naive village girl She turned into a Warrior Princess, But when she threatened his life With a blood soaked knife . . .
XENA	He's out of my hair.
GABBY	I don't care.
HERCULES	I care less.
CALL-ISTO	in her room Everybody hated him. I at least debated him. Sure when I entered his life I maimed and killed his nephew, Strife. It was all in fun, But he took it so seriously!
HERCULES	Even though I don't care He's still family Which made him write Me a note which reads
HERCULES pulls out a note. JOX, GABBY and IOLAUS gather around HERCULES.
ALL except XENA	What's it say? What's it say?
VOICE OF ARES	Help be out bro. You hate me, this I know But I'm a part of you And you're a part of me.
ALL	When Ares took A naive village girl She turned into a Warrior Princess, But when she threatened his life With a blood soaked knife . . .
XENA	He's out of my hair.
GABBY	I don't care.
HERCULES	I care less.
ALL	When Ares took A naive village girl She turned into a Warrior Princess, But when she threatened his life With a blood soaked knife . . .
The ones standing walk back to the table.
XENA	He's out of my hair.
ALL	Woe woe woe.
GABBY	I don't care.
ALL	Hey hey hey.
HERCULES	I care less.
ALL	Ares.
XENA stands up and pulls the tablecloth off of the table revealing a cut up ARES inside of the table. GABBY screams and runs into IOLAUS' arms.
XENA	Oh, Iolaus! How could you?
XENA grabs IOLAUS and tosses him across the room. XENA then punches GABBY in the face and chases her out of the room. Scared, JOX jumps into HERCULES' chair and HERCULES rolls out of the room making his way to the elevator. XENA chases GABBY up the stairs.
"WISE UP, GABRIELLE"
XENA	I'll tell you once. You better listen well. You better wise up, Gabrielle. Your new hairdo Don't look too swell. You better wise up, Gabrielle. I jumped in the tub And then began to rub But you jumped out Began to pout Then made a move on my man Well forgive me, if I kick your can! Everyone makes their way into the lab. You really want him? Well just go to hell! You better wise up, Gabrielle. The Medusa will seduce ya!
XENA throws the "Medusa" switch and a door opens on the wall. Medusa walks out and JOX, GABBY and HERCULES look at her and turn to stone. XENA throws her chakram cutting off Medusa's head.
M'LILIA	By the gods! I can't stand anymore of this! First you spurn me for Borias! And then you throw him off like an old overcoat for Lao Ma! Then Ares and now Iolaus! You build people up and the you beat them down again! I loved you. Do you hear me? I loved you! And what did it get me? Yeah I'll tell you, a coffin and a funeral fire! You're like a sponge, you take, take, take and drain others of their blood and weapons! Yeah, well I've had enough! You're gonna have to choose between me and Iolaus. So named cause of . . .
XENA holds up Medusa's head. M'LILIA screams and turns to stone.
XENA	It's not easy having a good time.
XENA shows the head of Medusa to IOLAUS and he turns to stone.
	Even fighting makes my face ache!
XENA walks to the freezer, biting her finger.
	And my children turn me on . . . uh . . . turn on me. Iolaus is behaving just the way that Ares did. Do you think I made a mistake? Splitting his sexuality between the two of them?
ALTIENTA walks to where XENA is.
ALTIENTA	Ah! I grow weary of this crossover! When shall we return back to ancient times, huh?
XENA	Altienta, I am indeed grateful to both you and your, um . . . um . . .
CALL-ISTO	Friend.
XENA	. . . friend Call-Isto. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood takes me, I can be quite generous.
ALTIENTA	Then, can I have the soul of your unborn child?
CALL-ISTO	No! It's mine!
CALL-ISTO and ALTIENTA begin to fight.
XENA	Enough! I'm not even pregnant! Anyway, it's time for the floor show.
CALL-ISTO and ALTIENTA stop fighting. Without XENA noticing, CALL-ISTO takes XENA's chakram from her side. XENA goes down the elevator and CALL-ISTO and ALTIENTA walk up the ramp and through the hole in the wall.
LAO MA	in Chin And so, by some extraordinary coincidence, the fates it seemed had decided that Jox and Gabby should keep their appointment with Hercules, but it was to be in a situation that perhaps not even the writers could have foreseen. And just a few hours after announcing their engagement, Jox and Gabby had both tasted the steel of Xen-a-Furter's sword (in one way or another). This in itself was proof that their hostess was a Warrior Princess of little self-control and some dark side. What further plot lines were they to be subjected to? And what of the floor show that had been spoken of? In an empty house? In the middle of the night? What diabolical plan had seized Xena's crazed imagination? What indeed. From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to be no "walk in the meadow."
Meanwhile, the statues of M'LILIA, JOX, IOLAUS and GABBY are lined up on the stage respectively. M'LILIA is dressed in a corset and fishnets. JOX is dressed as Jace. IOLAUS is dressed as the Widow Twankie. GABBY is dressed in the cage dancer outfit (white fringe). HERCULES is off to the side in his normal clothes. XENA comes through and fixes all of them and then goes to the switch board and flicks some switches. The floor lights go on, the curtain goes up, and XENA throws the "Anti-Medusa" switch bringing M'LILIA to life.
"THE FLOOR SHOW"
M'LILIA	It was great when we started out Xena taught me what friendship was about. But it was over when she figured out What Caesar's love was all about. Now the only thing that takes me back Is my love of her certain knack To fight for the greater good Keep us safe from the violence and pain.
XENA throws the "Anti-Medusa" switch again bringing IOLAUS to life.
IOLAUS	in Twankie voice I finally get some lines! I should say that it's about time! But tell me why the honor's mine To dress up like the woman all the time! Now the only thing that keeps me here Is my hope she will be near To fight for the greater good Keep us safe from the violence and pain.
XENA throws the "Anti-Medusa" switch again bringing JOX to life.
JOX	in Jace accent No comprendo Why I look like my big bro I don't dance as you can see! Take these shiny pants away! What's this? Let's see. I feel the music in me! How can this be? Woo! Here it comes again!
XENA throws the "Anti-Medusa" switch again bringing GABBY to life.
GABBY	I feel so cold. These costumes are getting old! I look like I'm fit to be sold. As a concubine! I just want a sensible dress. So I can be more modest. These bilious green sports bras look like a mess. Clothes should keep breasts inside!
A second curtain raises and we see XENA standing in her red dress from Stageira at the top of a tall platform with fog all around her.
XENA	What ever happened to that lass Aphrodite. She had no class. As she revealed her thigh, How I started to cry-y-y. 'Cause I knew wanted to kick, Her skinny ass! Give yourself over To absolute power! Swim the warm waters Of blood cut from flesh! Erotic land battles Beyond any measure And sensual sea wars To treasure forever! Can't you just see it! Who-ho-hoa!
XENA jumps into a pool as the fog clears away. At the bottom it has a picture of God reaching down and touching Eli's finger. Xena sits, floating in an inflated plastic chakram.
	Don't will it. Kill it! Don't will it. Kill it! Don't will it. Kill it! Don't will it. Kill it!
The others turn around and join XENA in the pool singing.
ALL	except HERCULES Don't will it. Kill it! Don't will it. Kill it! Don't will it. Kill it! Don't will it. Kill it!
The "Anti-Medusa" switch flips down by itself, and HERCULES becomes reanimated.
HERCULES	Ah! We've got to get Out of this trap! Before this violence Stabs our wings. I've got to be strong And try to play along Or else my head She might snip And my life will be gone!
HERCULES lifts up his fishnet clad leg and boot with knives in it from under his blanket.
JOX	No comprendo! Why I look like my big bro?
GABBY	I must admit I feel sexy inside!
XENA emerges from the pool on the shoulders of IOLAUS.
XENA	My my my, my my, my my my, my my my my, my! I'm a punching and a kicking thing! I'm a sword with a deadly swing! You do a flip and your mind goes ping! Your heart will pump and your blood will sing! So let the fire of the fight rock on! We're gonna battle 'til our souls have gone! And fight for the greater good, Keep them safe from the violence and pain!
They all step out of the pool and form a kick line in front of the stage. HERCULES rolls around in the back kicking his legs.
ALL	We're a punching and a kicking thing! We're a sword with a deadly swing! You do a flip and your mind goes ping! Your heart will pump and your blood will sing! So let the fire of the fight rock on! We're gonna battle 'til our souls have gone! And fight for the greater good, Keep them safe from the violence and pain!
CALL-ISTO throws open the doors in the back of the auditorium. She stands in her Roman robe and short hair and XENA's chakram in hand. ALTIENTA stands by her side in her Shaumaness outfit.
CALL-ISTO	Xen-a-Furter, It's all over! Your petty scruples are a failure! You burned my whole family! I think it's about time To stop these stupid rhymes! We return to ancient times! But you'll die for what you did to me!
JOX, GABBY and HERCULES have retreated to the side of the stage. IOLAUS and M'LILIA stand next to XENA.
XENA	Wait! I can explain!
CALL-ISTO	Noooooooooo!
CALL-ISTO launches the chakram toward XENA. At the last minute, M'LILIA jumps in front of XENA taking the chakram in the back.
M'LILIA	to XENA Gods! You so owe me!
XENA, angered because of the death of her friend, begins to attack CALL-ISTO and ALTIENTA. XENA yanks the chakram from M'LILIA's back, she throws it at the pair. They dodge it easily and it bounces back to XENA's hand. CALL-ISTO and ALTIENTA run toward the stage. GABBY draws her sais and stands by XENA.
GABBY	You didn't expect to leave me out of this?
JOX jumps in.
JOX	Or me?
IOLAUS jumps in.
IOLAUS	Or me?
HERCULES wheels in.
HERCULES	Or me?
XENA	All right! SHEEEEEEE-ALALALALALALA- CHIIIIIIIIII-YAH!
Background fighting music begins as GABBY and XENA take on CALL-ISTO, while JOX, IOLAUS and HERCULES fight off ALTIENTA.
CALL-ISTO	smiling Oh! I've always wanted you two together.
They continue fight. ALTIENTA uses her spiritual powers to bring the three men down. CALL-ISTO flips back to ALTIENTA to regroup.
ALTIENTA	What are you doing?! You're a god! Use your powers!
CALL-ISTO	Mmmm. Good idea!
CALL-ISTO throws some fire balls and lightning bolts their way. GABBY dodges and rolls to stay out of the way, while XENA flips around to dodge. Once CALL-ISTO stops, XENA and GABBY stand together, tired.
GABBY	I can't take much more of this, Xena!
XENA	Me either. But it looks like we're gonna have to.
ALTIENTA steps forward. She stares into XENA's eyes and makes her experience when Caesar broke her legs on the cross. She then stares at GABBY and makes her experience her crucifixion. They both fall to the ground, wailing. CALL-ISTO and ALTIENTA stand on the lip of the stage in front of XENA and GABBY.
CALL-ISTO	Well, it looks like we win, Xena! I must admit, though, this was easier than I thought it would be.
XENA	Really?
ALTIENTA	Yes! Now say goodbye, Xena and Xena's bitch!
XENA	mustering up all her strength You really thought that I didn't expect you to do something like this?
CALL-ISTO and ALTIENTA look at each other, confused. Quickly, XENA throws her chakram, cutting a rope holding the lip of the stage up. The lip falls and CALL-ISTO and ALTIENTA fall into a pit, impaling themselves on Hind's blood soaked spears. They both slowly die. Once ALTIENTA has expired, everyone gets up, no longer effected by her powers.
GABBY	Xena!
XENA and GABBY embrace.
XENA	Gabrielle. Are you ok?
GABBY	Yeah, I'm fine.
JOX walks toward them.
	Jox, I . . .
JOX	You don't have to explain, Gabby. When I saw you look at her, I knew that you two were soulmates. I can't get in the way of that.
GABBY	walking toward JOX That's really sweet of you.
GABBY kisses JOX on the cheek.
	I do love you, ya' know, just . . .
JOX	I know. Just not the way I love you.
GABBY	Can we still be friends?
JOX	Always. Thinking Did you just kiss me?
GABBY	Uh-huh.
JOX faints as XENA walks over to IOLAUS.
XENA	Well, it turns out you weren't my ideal after all.
GABBY walks over.
GABBY	Or mine.
XENA scowls at both of them.
IOLAUS	Yeah. Well, it was fun while it lasted.
IOLAUS takes both of their hands and kisses them. XENA and GABBY walk over to HERCULES.
XENA	Well, Hercules, thanks for helping us out.
HERCULES	No thanks needed. I just wish you didn't feel the need to put me in these stockings.
XENA	Keep 'em. They become you.
JOX wakes up and stands by IOLAUS and HERCULES. XENA and GABBY stand in front of each other holding hands. They give each other a quick peck on the lips.
"ANYHOW, ANYHOW"
HERCULES	Some people battle for the good side.
XENA	Some people battle for the dark side.
JOX	Some people battle for the cool scars.
GABBY	Some people battle for the dinars.
IOLAUS	Some people battle for enslavement.
XENA and GABBY	Some people battle on the pavement. But . . .
ALL	making their way offstage and into the aisles We're gonna battle anyhow, anyhow. We're gonna battle anyhow, anyhow. We're gonna battle, No matter how the chakram's throwing. We're gonna battle anyhow, anyhow. We're gonna battle anyhow, anyhow. We're gonna battle. We just gotta keep going.
HERCULES, IOLAUS and JOX	Some people battle for each other.
XENA and GABBY	Some people battle for their lover.
HERCULES, IOLAUS and JOX	Some people battle for improvement.
XENA and GABBY	Some people battle for the movement.
HERCULES, IOLAUS and JOX	Some people battle for enjoyment.
XENA and GABBY	Some people battle for employment.
ALL	But . . . We're gonna battle anyhow, anyhow. We're gonna battle anyhow, anyhow. We're gonna battle, No matter how the chakram's throwing. We're gonna battle anyhow, anyhow. We're gonna battle anyhow, anyhow. We're gonna battle. We just gotta keep going.
We now see the a group of XENITES watching the show.
XENITES	Xena, Xena, we just Want to see ya'. Out Of all the warriors you're the best. Xena, Xena, we just Want to see ya'. You're The strongest chick That we could ever pick. You're Xena: Warrior Princess.
XENA and everyone are now approaching the gate of the castle.
ALL	We're gonna battle anyhow, anyhow. We're gonna battle anyhow, anyhow. We're gonna battle, No matter how the chakram's throwing.
Athena drives up in a yellow cabbie, and they all get in.
	We're gonna battle anyhow, anyhow. We're gonna battle anyhow, anyhow. We're gonna battle. We just gotta keep going. We just gotta keep going. We just gotta keep going.
LAO MA	To conquer others is to have power. To conquer yourself is to know the way.
LAO MA shuts "The Poteidaia Affair."
ALL	We just gotta keep going.

Back to FanFic Index